How do you know when a cancer is 'testing' you?
The thing is maria, he knows that you like him so really he’s not going to lead you on if he truly doesn’t want to be in a relationship. Although he lets the other girl hang off him, it might just mean that she hasn’t made her intentions verbally known to him and he can be more open with her. Sometimes, people are oblivious to someone liking them in that way, I know I am...I’m totally clueless. And I was never good when there was another woman vying for the attentions of the same man. I am relatively competitive, just not for men. I might have lost some good ones along the way, but if another woman was in the picture I lose interest altogether. He really does need to get my full attention..lol So I can’t help you out too much here.
I agree with some of the other comments. I can only tell you from my experience based on the words written by you, but I have no idea what his body language is saying. In my case, his words (no) totally contradicted his actions (yes), which was very confusing. Assess his actions for yourself based on what you would do if someone told you they liked you. How would you act if you liked them back or how would you act if you didn’t like them in that way?
I've thought about that, and I talked to one of my guy friends who also knows my cancer, and he came to the same conclusion you mentioned first -he may actually really like me, but he doesn't want to be tied down, so he isn't going to do anything about it. He knows I want a relationship, so he isn't going to flirt with me and ask me out to dinner when he knows it'll end up hurting me.
And, if I was in his position, I would do the same thing. It would be pretty hard, actually.....because, on one hand you dont want to lead them on, but on the other hand you want them to stay in your life so you cant completely cut them out. So how do you act? And that would make sense with him always coming after me when I'm feeling frustrated. He'll pick up on it right away and he'll pay insane amounts of attention to me.
Aqua, one day, hopefully soon, I will ask him what you suggested. 'When your ready and im still available, will you come to me?' I like that. That's pretty much what I want to know, too. In the meantime, I'm just gonna take it easy, because who knows when he'll be ready.
i have loved cancesr in my life-they are only two. the first one and the confusing one am having. but i get a chance to have them,its just that by the time i have them,am already done with the relationship-tired of waiting and just a friend.so,i always tell them am done,that i wanna be alone. but i know these guys need a patient person. and thats what they are all abt,tho u act the right way or not,patience is the only way thru. but not all cancers are gud-thats what i have realised.some have bad personalities despite thier cancer x-ters.
very right,all what u described is in my cancer guy. he says he goes in 4 what he wants,and its true. and i have noticed that he is also shy,but all in all,everything there is right! cancers are like that.
I'm still confused as to how he is or may be feeling about the other co-worker, it sounds to me like he is dating your other co-worker and is "just friends" with you.
She may be using the "just friends" approach but they are walking home talking on the phone going out on dates, getting to know eachother, spending time alone unsupervised. She has every reason to "hang on" him and think they are developing a meaninful connection. His denial of anything going on is dubious if he has to hide his affection for her in your pressence or vice verse.
I have think of your situations and have felt badly, like I was being unfair to your cancer and situation, but Both Spiriutal17 and universalharmony make me feel validated in my concern that it is you are fooling yourself into believing that there is more of a relationship then there is, he may be afraid of hurting or upsetting you but he has repeatedly told you that you he is not interested in a relationship with you. He obviously hasn't given the other girl the same bs excuses.
I think it's time you took a look at what you have said about this relationshipo and ask yourself some serious questions.
What should I feel about this cancer I love?
He said he would want to go 5 days without contacting anyone, he'd want to be able to go out and talk to as many people as he wanted to without anyone getting on his back.he said he wasn't the person I thought he was. I said 'how?' and he said 'well, i've got a horrible temper...' and I laughed and said thats fine, I have a bit of a temper too. I told him how much I missed him when I went traveling, and i told him I really cared. He said "care how??" and I said "well....I want you to be happy, I really care about what happens to you and whats happening in your life-" and then he cut me off and said "No- you can't care about me like that." and I was like "what???" shocked that he didn't believe me, or maybe he was just in disbelief.
Then I told him I loved talking to him, that he had a good heart. I said I wished I could talk to him more. He said "You can talk to me whenever you like" and I said "no, because your always so picky about when we get to hang out! It has to be after work, raaandomly!" which is true. He was being very weird when it came to us hanging out. He refused to set dates and would only do it if it happened randomly. He just kind of chuckled...then I said that I couldn't help liking him even though I tried not to. I told him when I first met him I had just finished going through a lot of bulllshit with another guy, so I wasn't even thinking about liking anyone. But I saw he had a good heart and couldn't help it. He said "You know that bulllshit you went through with that guy? I'm gonna do that to you...." and I said. "You have a good heart. I know you do." then he said "I can't give you what you want...." and I don't remember what we said after that, but at some point he whispered "....we wouldn't be good together..." and I said "I think we'd be great together." and he didn't respond. He passed out shortly after that
he tells me I can 'talk to him whenever I like', but then I text him asking to go out for wings and he neglects to text me back.
I used to find it really hard to go out with him, because he'd always be 'looking around' or talking to lots of girls while he was out. But, now it bothers me a lot less. I think it's just him. It used to make me feel really insignificant, like I wasn't attractive enough to keep his attention. But I think lately I just got sick of feeling bad, or I realized that he is just a social butterfly who needs to get to know as many people as possible, and that most of them tend to be girls.
I've actually gotten mad at him because he flirts with her and he SHOULDNT. He said "I;m not sending out any signals" and i told him he is. Once i asked if he'd ever do anything with her, and he actually chuckled and said "she's not my type." When they're talking to each other and I come in the room, he also stops talking to her, probably for the same reason. It's so funny you should describe that girl. I don't like this girl at all, and I don't think she likes me. She always asks him to walk home with her (they live like....3 streets away from each other. UGH.) and he accepts because....well, how could he say no?
she's managed to weasle into his life and they're really good friends. But he won't let me in like that. i've tried to casually be like 'hey, lets go for wings!' but to no avail. He isn't ready for that yet. We'll only hang out of its after work. It hurts that he let her in and wont let me in, when we met at the same time. And I see him talking to her at work when they're alone and they talk so close to one another...ugh it just really upsets me. And I know he knows that, because if I pass by he'll see me and he'll back away. But if we're talking and she sees us, she'll come by and stand beside him, and he'll usually quiet down, too.
I don't know how you can ignore all of the signs, but i ask the question. When should a woman accept that things may not go as she hoped they would? What about this relationship is healthy, healing, or rewarding? Why are you doing this to yourself?
Yes, sexy, i've realized I can't continue like this and so I'm stepping back. I'm sure eventually he will open up to me again, because at one point we were very open and close. We'd laugh and tease each other. But since I opened my mouth it's been hard to do that.
In any case, I dont have a choice. If he isn't ready he isnt ready, I cant change that. So, in any situation, it's either the waiting game or I move on and if its meant to be he'll come back to me. I don't think I can handle the waiting game. But, I will still be in his life and I'll still let him know I care for him. I know cancer's need patience, and the tarot cards keep telling me to be patient as well. I will, but not like this, LOL. Who knows how long it will be, right?
As for the coworker, before I jump the gun I should think about how many female friends he has at that place. There is another girl he's known for a while who he is also always calling, spending time with. She also hangs off of him (but she isnt hot for him so not in any way as much as the other girl). They are definitely just friends, she has a boyfriend, and he doesnt seem to see her that way at all. So, he is probably just trying to make himself another close girlfriend. He has a lot of them, as I mentioned. What also helped me was talking to my friend about her. I told him that it bugs me that they spend so much time together, and he made a face. He was like "Yah....you shouldnt worry about A. I can't see J and A together at all, and I don't think he'd go for her. And I'm not going to say anything more on that, because if I embellish it's gonna sound really mean."
So....apparently the opinion on her isn't high. In any case, this is the way it has to be so this is the way it's gonna be. shrug
I no that he is testing you he don't wan't to ever be rejected so he just play hard to get but you already have his attention go for him he loves the attention you give him!
I agree he loves the attention he is recieving, but do you believe he is truly afraid of being rejected by a woman who has told him she wants to be in a relationship with him and has waited for over a year for him to reciprocate? Why do you think it's just a test tricy11?
I think you should look at what I have said on the other page. I normally don't interfere with matters of love and the heart. But I am a huge believer in women's rights and right now I think everyone except for a few in the middle of this post are telling you everything you want to hear. Are we all in love with the idea of love or do we truly want to be loved by the one who is right for us? If you just want to be with someone, anyone, or just him because he is him than maybe you need to stay with that person and continue to put your energy into it until you learn your lesson. I guess some life lessons are meant to be learn. But when I was your age and just listening to what I want to hear and not what I should be hearing, I got hurt everytime. I guess it is frustrating to see so many people (especially women) feeding into stroking your feelings and not telling you the truth. I agree with Sexygem, what about this relationship is fulfilling or worth waiting for? You need to move on to bigger and better things. Maybe that means no more guy you can spend all your time and energy on, but all that means is you just find something better to fill the time. I don't know how old you are, but I am guessing younger. Guys your age or even two years older aren't very mature or ready to commit. I will say this again from the bottom of my heart and with only the best intentions, he is not interested. And focusing on all these other women he gives attention to is unhealthy because it creates jealousy in women and resentment towards eachother. He knows his actions and how they affect others and does not care. So you need to care for yourself and work on getting over him.
Hey there Maria! Boy we have been at "it" with our cancer guys for some time now LoL!! I have to ask?!?! Have you gone back to the original and probably most posted upon thread "Cancer man and he is confusing" lately? If not you should. I know it's long but thanks to you creating that thread I have been able to get to a place with my cancer that I can and have stopped second guessing myself and almost every move I make as far as he is concerned.
The key for me was to learn to understand that the less I pressured for anything the more I have gotten from him. I pushed mine away for almost a month and I did not die inside like I used to but I missed him and thought of him every waking moment. I even had an intimate encounter with another man and saw and talked to him several times daily. I just thought that would be the way to get over this what felt like an obsession on my part. My J is like a drug to me, he is the very first and last waking thought I have.
I also find that the more quiet I was he did open up more and I too know things others don't and probably won't. Seems like once I was able to pass his tests LoL** which by the way to pass one even if you aren't sure WTF he is doing** is to wait him out with a calm, cool, collected attitude!!!! But most importantly in my case now that I have gained his trust he wants me there. It has been 10 months now for us, Lord knows it is very trying to say the least!
All the posts I've read in regard to these cancer men and with my cancer man seems to be that they are so quick to say things like "I'm afraid I can't make you happy" or "We are just friends, I love you but not in love" but ACT 100% the opposite! Now mine was a huge flirt but then again so am/was I. He has toned himself down there and may I add there have been 3 or 4 times that I let myself turn into an emotional, upset wreck he has made it a point to try to ease it. EXAMPLE: I have gotten up and left calmly on the outside but would manage a snide comment or two just for his ears before he has ALWAYS called me because he too left just after I did and talk to me all the way home and long after we were home. It's like he scares himself and those are the times he does that. I do not easily get jealous and damned sure will not show it much because I am very confident (by telling myself for years now I AM great) that people believe it LoL! Anyhow If he is flirting too much I simply ignore him because I seem to know where I will end up and IF he does decide to actually go through with it he will not do it right in my face.
There were a few things that did really bother me a few times in the beginning and I waited until the situation was calm for the most part and brought it up in discussion and without making much to do over it I noticed that he stopped doing those things. It also took a few times for him to let himself exhibit jealous behavior for me to tone myself down. Now most people think we are crazy for not acting psycho over a little too much conversation or whatever; BUT have managed to develop the utmost respect for each other. We have the kind of openess that if we wanted another we would end things then do it.
I couldn't take my self imposed exile from him any longer and I told myself I was operating on the idea of "If you love something set it free, if it comes back to you it was meant to be" and I went where I knew he would be simply to see how he acted. At first it was casual and of course he was the first person I saw inside the door :+) but it wasn't long until he came to me and showed me and all the other people that he did miss me while I was gone that led us into a 5 day/night spree of fun and renewal! He came to me and literally picked me up in the air and embrqaced me and softly butterfly kissed me 4 times!!!!!!!
He asked me if I had dated or been intimate and I knew he'd been told by someone so I honored him with the truth (which was 1 time) instead of lie about it but he also knows it was almost immediately after I ended things with him. He also knows me well enough to know that I did this in reaction to him being hurt over his ex wife recently re-marrying. He shared this with a mutual friend, they told me and I waited for 4 days until HE told me. I copped the attitude that I was tired of her being his reason for the hesitance etc.,
He also knew that when I was once again with him that way that there is going to be no more of me sharing myself. He has my heart, he has been told and he has never been mean to me about anything.
Sorry for the long post I just want to share and hopefully help if I can!
They do seem to smother easily for sure!
QUIXOTIC--My guy told me way, way back in the relationship that "You need to stop acting like miss tough ass all the time". One other time we were discussing how we act if we get angry etc., and I told him I hate to cry, and if I get quiet and then start to cry when upset that I don't want to be hugged, touched or comforted that when I get to that point I can't be held responsible for my actions. He told me "if I ever see you crying for any reason I will take you in my arms and hold you until you stop" So I learned too that even though you have to be careful and not be too pushy or demanding for a while that the nurturing part of them does need to see to that they are needed and you aren't shut down emotionally. True to his word, no matter our situation at the time, when I have gotten disturbed and crying if he can't be with me he will talk to me until I am soothed. He also checks on me the next day.
Virgo 99! How long have you and your guy been communicating? I get the impression that it is only in the beginning stages. From experience, when mine did not respond to my attempts to call or text him I would simply go missing for about a week and then my strategy was to call him but only let it ring 2 times, just enough to show up on caller id, and without fail he has called me back. Sounds a little cheesy or manipulative but especially calling from my cell phone I had to act like I lost my signal when he called me immediately back! If you have a while go and read the thread MariaRia started called "Cancer man and he is confusing" so much can be gained from that thread!!!
Well I hope I haven't been too long winded for those of you who do not know me! It is almost 3 a.m. and I need to stop talking about my love for now!
Thanks for listening!
Do you think it is wise for her to continue waiting for him, or open up to the idea that there may be someone out there that won't "test" her and make her question her value, because that I believe is what we fall prey to.
When a man reels us in and then pushes us away we wonder at first what we did wrong, then what is wrong with us, we ttry to fix things and when we are at our nicest softest, prettiest, or what ever and he still doesn't react we panic and start believing we need this man who took away our confidence in the first place, to reasure us we are ok. But we are ok with or without them.
I believe if maria relaxes he will come back and seek her out, the question is will he be interested in a mutualy benificial relationship, or more "test"?
Do you guys really believe the only way to get a cancer's love is to let yourself be treated badly? I believe they do test, all men do, sometimes they test to see just how low you will go, that does not mean they love you or want you.
LOL sexygem, I love your fierceness. Of course you're right, and both of you don't have to worry. I'm not going to try anymore. I'm not going to be distant or cold, because what's the use of that. But a relationship with him obviously isn;t going to happen, and he needs to change some things about himself. He seems to know that he isn't ready mental wise for a relationship, so its best to heed his warnings and distance myself. And I didn't want him because I felt like I needed him in anyway. I've been independent my whole life, I'm used to it, LOL. I wanted him because I really liked him, because talking to him is amazing and because I can see that he is a good person. But obviously he's not very mature in the relationship sense.
In any case, space is good for both him and I, so that's whats going to happen. Thanks so much to everyone who responded and gave me advice!
Sexygem you are right on the money! Many males (not real men) of any sign will test (play with your mind and heart) simply to boost his male ego. He may be flattered because to him any attention from a female is better than none and some guys I'm an aries so I have to be blunt LOL! are attention whores LOL! A guy may not have the slightest interest in a relationship, a case of "he's just not that into you" because he loves being a bachelor and why should he choose and settle down with one when he constantly has women chasing and falling all over him?
I absolutely understand why and how you fell for your cancer, its why I fell for mine, just remember where you are with him. I was really speaking in general not specifically, I am curious as to the rational of some of the ladies who disagee.
When I found this format I was glad to get unbias opinions because I knew my thinking was clouded with emotion, I needed honesty, and even though I hate being the bad guy I'm trying to give you what I hope someone will give me when I'm lost
Clearly my words and intentions have been misunderstood. My opinions are based on my experience and what my Cancer has confirmed for me over the course of 20 years. I have heard some of words that maria has been hearing and to me his actions and words do not say that he doesn’t like her, they say he isn’t prepared to be in a relationship at the moment. Why would anyone want and like attention from someone they don’t like? I would think they would be more creeped out by it if anything. What I don’t understand is why people believe in slamming someone instead of helping someone understand where the actions and words might be coming from, especially since she has said all along that she had stepped back. I don’t get it, but I’m done.
Aqua don't be upset, you've helped me a lot. Everything that you say makes sense, and I take a lot of it into consideration. I'm not going to tell him to go to hell, or stop talking to him all together, I'm just going to stop thinking about 'him and me' together and just start focusing more on our friendship. Because I do want to keep him in my life, but it's too hard for me to keep hope up, and kind of silly lol.
And Aqua, from what you've said (which is identical to what my guy friend said, who also knows J) I do believe him when he says he really doesn't want a relationship. He's a little whipper snapper who needs to get a lot of chasing out of his system. I think it's very mature of him to realize that. My brother didnt....he wasn't ready for a steady relationship at all, waaaay to h*rny, lol, so he's essentially cheated on every single one of his girlfriends. He's also a moron, but you know, besides that....
Anyway, you've been a big help in making me decide what attitude to actually take to this whole situation. I noticed that our relationship improved a lot when I stopped being so....whats the word.....I don't know, afraid to actually openly show my real affection for him at work. Like I smiled at him a lot more, stopped expecting so much from him, didn't take things so personally, and the difference in how he treats me is huge. I've been holding back a lot more then I realized. Of course, it's been different since the last time I talked to him....I had a liiiittlle too much to drink, so I started crying a little when I was talking to him at his house. No hysterics or bawling, LORD no, lol. He was totally cool the next morning, he kept telling me things about himself 'oh, thats the spot i waited for the bus for school', 'every morning i'd come here for coffee before blah blah', but he's been very withdrawn since.
Anyway.....thats a lot of writing for my small point. THANK YOU Aqua, is what I wanted to say, LOL.
Oh, and the interesting this about him is that he's not 'not committed' so he can screw all kinds of girls. He doesn't actually have sex with any of them. It's all for the socializing aspect (and im sure his ego too, lol). When he told me that I was floored. I'd never met an attractive MALE who didn't do the one night stand thing. I guess it really connects with his Cancer personality. I read somewhere they often connect deep intimacy with affection.
Oh, and Aqua, if I send him stuff on like....facebook, is that breaching his space? Cause I always watch these video's I know he'll love, so I want to send them to him. But I never know if I should.
I am sorry if you took my words the wrong way aqua, I am not trying to slam anyone, I think this guy must be preety decent,and considerate or elese he could've used, and abandond a girl who really adores him. I think maria is a great girl, any man would be lucky to have a girl who's saved herself just for him.
I'm just concerend that she may miss out on a real love life waiting for this guy to come around, I'm not saying she should stop hoping, I'm saying she should stop waiting, date around, if he changes his mind it is up to HIM to convince HER that he is serious.
And I'm also saying a man is never going to love respect appreiciate a woman more then she does herself. She needs to believe she is too good for any situation that does not honor her and her gifts. If he is interested, just scared of getting hurt, he'll feel the pain of loosing her and he'll step his game up, if he doesn't, someone elese will.
I waited around for my cancer for almost three years dealing with all the uncertainty, he wasn't sure how much he wanted and needed me until I walked away. I love him and I want to make our relationship work but I love me too and should not have to tolorate things that are hurtful and unfair to me. Just like if I want to be in his life I have to understand how my behavior effects him, the same is true for me. And if a man (even a cancer man) wants to be with a woman he will make the adjustments. If not a woman should to find someone willing to compromise so that everyone's needs are met.
That's all I'm saying.