How do you know when a cancer is 'testing' you?

  • H'okay. Simple enough. Man, I am WEAK. Or maybe it will get progressively easier. But like, i worked last night and I kept worrying about HIM all the time. And then occasionally I'd get inner bursts of "damnit, what about YOU, woman? Eff the boy." And I'd be like "RIGHT, POWER!" but then I'd see him and he'd be frowning and then I'd be like "omg what if he's upset. Who cares. RIght. I care. Damn. No. Strong. Go back to work."

    Anyway. Life goes on. I'm crossing my fingers to meet some Australian/New Zealand dreamboat on my trip who will, by some twist of fate, move to my city like a month after the trip is over, just when I was convincing myself that i'd never see him again. le sigh Then he's whisk me away into paradise with his accent and biceps.

  • Kiwis..sweet, Aussies..purrrrr. Lol, too funny. When are you going?

  • Omg I knoooww....I want to move to New Zealand just so I can have an endless supply of K's for mah choosin! With Australia right next door, wahahaha. Dreamlaaaand!

    I'm going at the end of November. SO excited! Although people keep scaring me with crazy terrorist news. I don't know why but I thought Egypt was okay....I never hear about it in the news. I guess it's too full of Iran/Iraq insanity to bother with anywhere else.

  • @aqua That is a beutiful testatment of love's survival AMAZING. I could feel all the words and emotions you did not say. I hope my cancer and I are past the test and challenges, it seem like it. He had a ruff patch the week before last and did his best to take time for himself without pushing me away.

    I am glad to hear that I am not the only one who has lost my cool or walked away from my sensitive friend love, your strory gives me hope and your advice, I have taken in and has given me patience. Thanks for sharing.

    Maria it doesn't have to be black or white, all or nothing, lovers or strangers. He really is waiting for your que, if you are ok he will be too. If you see he is upset and ask him whats wrong, you're just doing what friends do. If you're not ready yet for that type of connection, give yourselevs till after your trip to reconnect (as friends). Everything will be fine.

  • Thanks, sexygem. You're right. I just need a little bit of time, and then we can continue on the friend bandwagon. I've been doing a lot of thinking and sorting. It's hard to interact with him when I'm still mulling things over. But yah, everything will be fine. Thanks for your help 😄

  • Okay, back to unhappy mode 😄

    Lately i've been wondering if I haven't just been really stupid. Like, there's another new girl at work who's really pretty who he seems to be pretty attached to already, and she's only been working there for like....3 weeks. I mean, he did come on to me very strong as soon as I started working there, too. But...ugh. Like, they're already hanging out alone outside of work, and I literally have never been able to get him to do that. We've hung out alone, but it's only been after work. They already have each others phone numbers, and It took me and him like....a few months to exchange digits. And I was talking to her last night and she says she's pretty sure he has a crush on her. So....well, I guess I just feel really insignificant. I mean it's possible he's been so guarded with me because I let him know fairly early on that I was interested. But...he knew that other girl, A , liked him too. And that didn't seem to put him off. It was the same with her....numbers exchanged right away, hanging out on days they dont work with no problems....have I been really stupid? Or is he this casual with these girls because he assumes there's no intentions for anything serious?

  • I think it is scary when someone comes on kind of fast and you let him know you had expectations, the second this other girl does that he will pull back on her to. Even if not no rules to love and war you win some you loose some, if he chooses to be with her dust yourself off and NEVER let 'em see you sweat. Don't ask her about him anymore she will only go back and tell him and then your bussiness will get out. Be strong girl head up shoulders back hup 2, 3, 4

  • I was at work could not really answer fully, I am sorry that things went this way, the novelty of the newness of the new chick will wear off eventually, he is obviously wanting to get to know her as he did you, it's an f'd up feeling I know, but ultimately her chances of sucess with this guy are very slim if he is not looking for a relationship. Most likely in 2 or so months you reconize on her the same confused expressions that you have come to know so well, so it goes in the game of love. Maybe she will play it differently then you and have more success, if so, it's ok, and probably for the best, don't let it get you down.

    Go on your trip enjoy yourself and if you would like to try being his friend when you get back do so, if not, learn a lesson. No offense to the other advisors, but when a man pulls away, the only thing you can do is pull away further so that he can think things thru, if he returns he will be sure it is you he wants, if he does not, he would have never been what you needed. Cancers can be sweet and kind but in the end are still just men, and like busses another will be coming soon enough.

  • Sexygem, I’m glad I was of some help and also happy to hear that you and your man are doing well. You are perceptive in understanding the pain and emotions I experienced, even though I didn’t put it down in words. I was very much alone in my journey, and although I consulted with psychics and such, all the advice I received made logical sense but in hindsight might have not been the correct decisions for my heart. But, I guess that was the path I had to walk.

    Maria, you said it in a previous post, young men (or boys) will sow their wild oats. So understand that just because he’s a Cancer doesn’t exempt him from having normal testosterone levels. That doesn’t make him a bad person, because he truly respected you and your standards and didn’t try to change them. To be blunt, he didn’t take you to bed and then move on. That’s not to say that he won’t or hasn’t done it, however he knew that you wanted a committed relationship and he couldn’t give that to you so he didn’t take advantage of you. Don’t read too much more into it because it is only causing you to doubt yourself.

  • Aqua I so understand, I was at the same place when I found this format, it is almost like a support group. My guy and I have been involved for over 3 years I've known him for 6 and as I read your story I saw my story with some differences of course, but we met after my divorced, started dating after his divorce, have fallen in and out of eachother reach, to ultimately find ourselves together, I don't think we would be together tho, if I hadn't fell out with him when I did, I'd probably still be trying to get him to tell me why. I think his understanding that I will walk away if pushed, makes him hesitate to push me away again, as this time it may be for good, at the same time I am glad you are here to remind me that it doesn't mean he really wants me to leave, he hasn't pushed me away in months, but I already know when/if it happens again I will try something I never tried with any man in my life and I will tell him I am not going anywhere because I love him........ don't know how it will play out, but I will keep y'all posted in the event that it should go down.

  • sexygem, would you mind if I take a look at your 2 birth charts? I was just wondering if you have any of the same aspects with your Cancer that I have with my mine. If you don't want to, that's okay.

    maria, I hope I didn't sound too abrupt. I just think it’ll hurt you more if you start taking it personally.

  • Well, I'm just gonna try my best to let go and just be friends. Whatever happened in the past, if it meant anything or not, I'm gonna try really hard not to think of it. I'm just gonna be happy and be free and let things go where they will. There's no sense in thinking about any of it, because he's not ready to be in a relationship now anyway. So hopefully I can just be myself, and we can just hang out and laugh and joke in whichever way comes naturally to us.

  • @Aqua My birthdate is 6/05/74 6:30p his is 7/20/73 not sure of the birth time other then that was early in the morning

    @ maria please take a moment to find your center before trying to be "friends", I'm worried that the competitiion is making you rush into something you may not be ready for including accepting him being and doing everything with this new chick that he wouldn't be and do with you and, pretending like it's ok while all parties involved including girl "A" know that it is killing you inside. Go on your trip clear your mind connect with yourself and THEN decide if you even want a friendship with someone who you obviously.......and I'm going to say it .......LOVE.

    If you do decide to be his "friend" KNOW what your bounderies are and what moves you will make to protect and defend them. Don't go into a "friendship" with the understanding that you want it more then he does it will be disaterous and painful. The one girl from my job, ended up "hanging out " with me and my cancer one day, he completely ingnored her paid all the attention to me so that I wouldn't be uncomfortable. We ended up leaving her half a block behind (by accident) because she couldn't keep up with the conversation, I'm sure she went home and felt like dog meat, she keeps bringing him coffee and kissing his a*** and he won't even return her phone calls or text messages, I saw one she sent (he lets me check his text) that was pretty pathetic, she may call what they have a friendship, but I wouldn't.

    When I went thru the "just friends" phase with my cancer I let him know that friendship was mutual and that I infact require more from my friends then I do my lovers, that if he couldn't meet me half way I would not be his friend either. I don't know if you should say what I said, but you can send the non-verbal clues that if he is not acting like a friend he will loose you as a freind.

    Take care and love yourself first....... and when he comes along and your stomach flip flops and you feel sad or hurt or any emotion besides joy just remember "chin up shoulders back, hup 2, 3, 4" and act like everything in your life is still ok with or without him.

    Make beileive you're brave it will get you very far

    because you always be as brave as you make believe you are.

    If you do decide to be friends just say "hi how you doing", let him initiate deeper conversation and let him know that you hoped that you hadn't lost him as a friend. Don't try to be his friend alow him to try to be yours and never EVER under any circumstances third wheel with him and ANY other woman, you deserve better then that, even in a friend.

  • Oh, he isn't dating this girl. I talk to her a lot, and she even said he isn't interested in relationships, and she is only interested in being his friend. Hopefully it'll stay that way.... But, I do know what you mean. And I also completely agree with you on the friendship thing. I only want to be his friend if he'll be mine. I'm not going to strain myself trying to make our friendship work, I fully expect him to put effort into it, too. If he doesn't, it'll be that much more obvious whether or not he appreciates me in his life. And no, LOL, I won't say that to him, but I will say I want our friendship to be all that it can be. Thats all that it can be, with both of us. I remember he showed a lot of interest in my life, until he became very guarded. Anyway, we'll see. And I've thought about whether or not I love him...I think it's pretty close. Damn, LOL.

    Thanks for your advice and your concern, sexygem. 🙂 I'm trying to just....let go, really.

  • Thank you SexyGem & MariaRia, your words help ease my wandering mind. Again I apologize for the confusing way you all have been treated on behalf of the cancer men out there.

  • A rose by any other name....... dating, getting to know, hanging out with, one on one time with, what ever you want to call it, as I said you may find yourself sitting around with a smile stuck on your face while he caters to the next chick, if you paint yourself into that corner. For now find contentment in the fact that you did not and would not let him run the "just friends" routine on you. As for letting go..... It will be hard to do if you don't get up and get out and on with looking for a man who IS ready for what you're ready for, Instead of a boy interested in pollenating all the lovely flowers he can get his hands on.

    @ hermit, gotta take the bitter with the sweet if the good wasn't sooooo damn good we wouldn't be here. There are No victims, only volunteers if I wanted out I could've & would've. I want to be right where I am doing what I do. I know he has to put up with my stuff two, in the end all odds even out.

  • Okay. YES. I finally have a nice example of his weird ass behavior that drives me nuts that I can tell you guys about. Please let me know if this is typical or if he's just totally nuts. Because I don't get it.

    So....despite warnings not to, my impulsive aries behavior made me send the message. That, and also because, honestly guys, I'm so ready to have all this drama behind me. I am actively looking elsewhere and I want us to be friends, I really do. And I'm not going to be happy until our relationship is completely smoothed over, I know that. i've always had the problem where I cannot, CANNOT 'drop it like its hot', so to speak, LOL. If I think there's miscommunication between us...I HAVE to fix it. There is no stopping me, I'm like a crazy fixing robot....I need total, complete, utter closure or I can't forget about it. 'Move on' was an awesome start, and it did the trick, but now I need our relationship fixed and then I can exhale and go about my way.

    SO. I sent the message. I made sure to heed all advice, you know, say i wanted what was best for our relationship, sorry if i ever made him uncomfortable, value him as a person so lets do this friendship thing right blah blah blah...I didn't think there was anything even sort of offensive in there. So, I send it....2 days go by with no response. This is typical of him, but I did end the letter in a question so I was angry that he wouldnt answer and put my mind at ease. I did a tarot reading to see if he read the message, and the cards definitely say yes.

    So, yesterday I go to work, and I have no idea what to expect. I hate that. I know he likes it, but I fucking hate it. So I see him as he comes in and he's talking to someone, and he sees me and he gives me that penetrating look that confuses the ass out of me. But It didn't look like...particularly friendly. So I just smiled at him and walked past him because, you know, he was talking to someone...and then I had to run into the kitchen super fast and i passed by him and said "hey! whats up!' and he was like "not much." and then shotgun...? Maybe he was talking to someone else o.O anyway I couldnt talk to him because i had to shout something at the kitchen.

    But then the confusion started. He wouldn't talk to me or look at me. Like...three times he came up to the table I was sitting at with my friends, looked at them, talked to them, but wouldnt acknowledge me. And I was so frustrated I couldn't initiate conversation, and why the fuck should I? I was friggen owed a response and i wasnt going to jump to his every whim. So i was like 'fine, fuck you.' and wouldnt look at him either.

    So, of course, thats when he started staring at me. He'd walk by on the other side of the restaurant and stare at me the entire time. Or if we'd pass each other he'd stare me down until I was totally out of eyeshot. But did he say a word to me? No. This is the behavior I was trying to fucking completely annihilate with my message, and now he was doing it to me and I didn't know how to take it. At one point I was openly glaring at him I was so mad, and my glares are apparently terrifying so I don't know how he managed to keep a straight face.

    But then I talked to that girl, Avi, the new one who he was 'spending time with' who I have been spendig time with and actually telling her about J, and she's been helping me, LOL! You find help in the weirdest places. So I was like "UGH, im so MAD." and she was like "why??" and i told her about the message and how J wasn't talking to me. And she was like "Well, if it makes you feel any better, he hasnt been talking to me much either." And i was like "Oh. Really?" And she was like "Yah. Maybe he's just weird." I was like "Oh damn, maybe this is some very bad timing for his Cancer Funkiness and it has nothing to do with me. Now what do I do??" So I decided I would ask him about the message as soon as we had a moment alone. But the Universe had other plans, LOL. Everytime we were about to be alone, someone else would show up. And then we had ONE moment, and he walked away from me without looking at me.

    And then I got dressed up in my halloween outfit and that got his attention. He had a big grin on his face as he checked me out, and then as I was leaving he saw me coming, stopped, turned around, and waited for me to pass him and as I did told me to have a good night.

    So. What I'm not sure about is if this is just a crazy ass cancer mood swing that had very, very bad timing. Or if he's...doing it on purpose to mess me up. Which is WEIRD, because throughout our relationship I've had a couple of moments like this where I've sent him a nice message that basically said 'peace, brother!' and it always had an amazing response. He'd never, ever respond to them,but the next time I saw him he'd be exactly how I, friendly, and...well, NORMAL. And things would be good. So why not this time? Why is he staring at me and not talking to me? Whywhywhywhywhy?

  • because you are sending mixed messages because you couldn't wait, you sent a message about friendship, but he looks at you and sees how you really feel and its a little scary of weather being nice is leading you on or trying to start the "friendship" thing.

    weather you want a relationship or friendship, just give himself and you a second to settle your emotions. what were you for halooween? I bet it was so cute.

  • because you are sending mixed messages because you couldn't wait, you sent a message about friendship, but he looks at you and sees how you really feel and its a little scary of weather being nice is leading you on or trying to start the "friendship" thing.

    weather you want a relationship or friendship, just give himself and you a second to settle your emotions. what were you for halooween? I bet it was so cute.

  • I agree with sexygem, you are sending mixed messages, and creating exactly what you say you don’t want; rough waters. It will get even weirder if you don’t take the time to catch your breath and refocus yourself. I hope it doesn’t maria, because that can be even more confusing than what you have been going through. Your emotions are raw, and he can see this and by sending a message saying let’s do the friendship right implies that he has been doing it wrong. Unless I missed something, what has he been doing wrong?

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