How do you know when a cancer is 'testing' you?

  • CancerCan, I went thru the same thing with my cancer & his ex-wife. He has gotten over her and she doesn't contact him anymore. Basically, I met the ex-wife and befriended her. She is truly a lovely woman with a golden heart, I adore her. She persuaded me to leave him this last time; and, she no longer wants to be friends since I came back to him. I will never tell him, though.

    I think that this man is willing to give you a chance to become his world. They won''t stand for what they perceive as being unfaithful, though---even though YOU think that you are not together at the time. I REALLY hurt my man after he told me that we were through--he didn't mean it! How was I to know, right? He hasn't gotten over what he sees as my betrayal and is very afraid that I will leave him again.

    Anyway, his ex-wife just has to see you two together to see how much he does care for you. He wouldn't have told you that he saw her if it wasn't innocent enough--to him. My guy tells me everything as if I'm his best friend, something I must live with. I know how hurt you felt when he told you that they had a few beers. I think that if you offer little resistance, his attachment to her will fizzle out. Remember that he is looking deeply into YOUR eyes only. He will do the right thing at the right time.

    I remember him telling his ex-wife that they would never be together again. He told her that we were engaged or something to that effect, I can't remember. She was crying and I was amazed because I thought that he stil loved her. I think these Cancers are capable of loving more than one person at the same time; maybe Hermit Crab can explain this better. However, it does not change the way that he feels about you.

    The fact that he gave you his house key and is being emotionally vulnerable says tons about how he feels about you. Tell him that you are the one and believe it, if you still want him! You have a window of opportunity that may not be open forever. Go after what you really want, don't waste your time on others that you don't want to be serious with.

    Hermit Crab, you are wonderful in explaining how to peacefully call Cancer males on their insane behaviour and h/t deal with it. My guy came home last night being critical and I got defensive. At dinner he told me all about his fears and pressures. He said that when he is behaving badly that I should ask him, "Baby, what are you afraid of?" When will I learn, lol?

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  • alleged that their relationship is all about them, now Im not doing us crabs any favors but it is about us......wait for it....ok you guys thought you knew it was and your right, but its because of our own insecurities.

    this trait right here / from cancer men drives me nuts......when you are in a relationship with someone it is about both of you.... my man definitly thinks everything in our relationship is based around him, what he wants and what he likes and its not fair, we are supposed to in a relationship together there is give and take and a man cant take take take and expect that to be ok. everyone has insecurities everyone has been threw painful experiences in relationships, get over it, dont make your present partner suffer from the mistakes the previous partner made.

    so how would the cancer handle being tested back... im dating one that doesnt handle it to well... i have told him he can dish it but he cant take it, my man makes smart comments to get a reaction out of me anything from calling me a name to joking about another bf or gf or bringing a fat girl to live with us cause i cant cook.. he get mad when i give no response and he thinks i over react when i joke back, so i kno dam well if i was to go fine im gonna get a man in here to pay the bills he would loose it, how is that fair how is thses expectations reasonable, cancer men help me understand you please

  • @CancerCan its hard for a cancer to not "love you like that" but this may be because he does still have a feelings for his ex. it boils down to expectations, he doesnt want to hurt you if he does re-kindle but that is im-possible at this point. by this I mean he expects you to love him completely but knows he has a weakness for the past and if he would for some reason go back to her, he would not own up to his own expectations...he doesnt trust himself when it comes to that. Help him subtly move past her or place her way in the back of his mind. he does "love you like that" or we would not ask you to move in with him, something not considered to be a potential permenant fixture we would prefer to keep at a distance, be assured you are not second to him, its there is a second and he needs help to move past that he doesnt see as an attempt to push out because remember a cancer needs complete control of thier life, we dont respond well when we feel we are being pushed.

    [qoute=CancerCan] i too hang out with mostly men, but he knows them. could this be part of it? [/qoute] oh god yes, I hate to admit it but we(cancers) are VERY insecure when it comes to our mates and the opposite sex, we want to be the only potentail suiter in our spouces world even ones not considered to be a suiter gives us fits. We at times would say we are not bothered by it and seem confident in ourselves but its only to mask our true feelings. bottom line any male not related(and even some related) that gets close to you will get us worked up.

    @MariaRia I cant find it but someone posted that when at a bar/club/socail gathering her cancer would just walk away from her, easy test to pass. i do this myself, I wanna see what my spouce will do 1 I wanna see her interaction with others 2. when I turn around I wanna see her right there next to me smiling and looking into my eyes. when you pass this test to your cancer the room goes dark and there is only you.:D

    Again most "Test" are about them and how you honor them. they dont call you for days because they want you to call them instead (double edged because the dont want you to call them to much)not calling only infuriates them. let me tell is impossible for a cancer to "just be freinds" with someone they feel deeply about, it just doesnt work like that. seeing you with another would boil them inside(plz do not use this as a weapon) its a fact that cancers are highly jealous people, it goes along with thier personality and when it comes to being hurt...just like love....cancers will hold onto pain for very long periods of time, almost never to forget it may seem, forgiveness is more the remedy there.

    gosh after reading all this I seem to need some consulting myself on why we are so needy:-D wow during this post there seems to have been 5 more.......let me catch my breath real qiuck

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  • yes it is possible for us to love to people....well not really we dont like to hurt peoples feeling either because we dont like our own feelings hurt. we can take the physical pain but not the emotional so we try not to dish it out. and this goes to what SaggiGal89 is saying, if its hurting we should be told it is, we will stop. usually we jab to see what you can take and if you would jab back, its best to jab along. once we see you can go along with things we have the ability to "take" the jabs and go along with it as well


    At dinner he told me all about his fears and pressures. He said that when he is behaving badly that I should ask him, "Baby, what are you afraid of?"


    um yeah i recognise the behavoir, it sucks. but dont react immediately, leave him to his own thoughts that will help him calm down, then later you can ask him whats bothering him. Why do we do that....why do we act craby:-p when things are not going our way. We need control when things arent looking good, we never go with the tides, we always make our own path its our nature. we will compromise with the right person who has shown the patience to deal with us. we know we are difficult people to deal with which is why we are so selective in choosing our mates

  • hermit, can you tell us what to expect from a cancer who is NOT interested in a romantic relationship, that is, when it is NOT a test

  • I am sorry k-jordan you too I respect and value your insight too. What one would expect from a cancer who is not interested anymore, or only interested in a friendship?

    Because unfortunaltely there is only one winner in the game of love, how wouled one know when it's time to move on to greener pastues?

  • I mean keldjoran oops

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  • One more question keldjoran, what could a woman/man say/do to get you to feel safe to communicate when/if you're needing some alone time?

  • I am concerned that my cancer hasn't withdrawn at all in almost 3 months,In our past as soon as we'd get very close he would disappear, some times for days sometimes longer. I would always think he didn't want me anymore, it would hurt so bad. I told him a few months back that I couldn't do it anymore cause it was hurting me too much and I couldn't trust him, he made a complete turnaround but I know he is still the same person.

    I don't want or need him to give up his time for introspection, I just want to know what the bleep is going on when he is leaves. I'm worried that he thinks my point is (has been) that he can't retreat, I don't want his consistancy to blow up in my face when he just can't take it anymore.

  • And, not to take away from sexygem's question, but how do you get a cancer to open up to you? Like, the one i'm dealing with doesn't seem to like 'making dates', but will hang out after work, and usually with work friends. So at first I thought 'well he doesnt like me because he doesnt want to hang out' but when we do hang out he's always talking to me, and a few days ago we were at a friends house and he sat down and talked to me, and when his friend said they had to go he really did not want to leave. he got up, put on his jacket, walked back into the room, looked at me, walked out, walked back in, walked out, then finally his friend was taking too long so he got another drink and sat down next to me and just kept smiling at me. Then when he finally left he kissed me on the side of the mouth and walked away.

    So....i mean, i guess he's being cautious and just isnt ready to hang out with me alone (although we occasionally will) how do I get him to loosen up a little?

  • @sexygem it will take some mile stones to get a cancer to open up and reveal themselves to you... when he withdraws from you its probly to sort his thoughts, most times if you tell him that you need him to check in just to see how hes doing he might just give you a call or come to the conclusion that he should return because he really doesnt need the time to himself or that he misses your companionship more then he needs his thoughts may be that hes been lost in thought for so long that he doesnt know how he will be recepted when he returns. a nice un-assuming reception should be easy for him to comeback to the fold, subtle hints of what you expect will get your point "id hate to be left in the dark for not knowing were my lover is for weeks at a time because Id worry about him/her if they were ok or hurt." comes across as concerning and not generaly directed at us and gives us a little room to breath sometimes...I dont know about other cancers but I suffer from anxieties and those generate the majority of my problems:-)

    @MariaRia Im just gonna say hes a scary guy.....scared to commit and be hurt.....but you can get in his shell, maybe he likes to hold youif so slowly move in closer and closer and say nothing....its nurturing. maybe you would one day you would hold him in your arms, rub his thinking head;-p if he doesnt get up and run then he will be enjoying these things its almost putting him back in the womb, to get him alone suggest after work or on the odd accasion to go to the park and just sit and watch life cancers do like to stare at things, observe. how many times have you done these things and how well receptive was he to them? awaytime from everything else sooths a cancers soul, gives them time to digest things if you can get into that aspect of his life he will reveal intimate things you probly would not have access to under other circumstances;-)

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  • It sounds like he might be married to me. All the "random" meetings??? How much do you really know about this guy. Also, when a man tells you that he WILL hurt you and he DOES have a temper and you WONT be good together, why in the world would you want to share your life, your body and soul with someone so full of negativity. Remember: Anything you think is quirky cute now, will be what you hate most after time goes on. Nothing negative ever suddenly becomes endearing. It eats you alive! You need to find someone who is as excited to be with you, as you are to be with him. You are worth that and more! Don't stop looking girlfriend. You must put this guy behind you in order to move forward. Good luck!

  • I agree with moonstudent about this guy, but I don't want to loose hermit or keldjoran's insight I wasn't completely open when I said I only had one question i have many.

    If you don't answer or return a call should she try calling again or just wait it out?

    What is the most memorable token of affection you've ever recieved?

    What is the most important part of a connection?

    When you are worried about how you may be recieved what can we do to make you feel comfortable about reappearing?

    and here's the duzy my biggest concern, intimately we have tried some things together that neither of us has done before, I am worried that he may see me as "that type of girl" he says he knows it was special but what would you think?

    Sorry if I seem greedy, I just need some imput future purposes.

  • Hermit Crab! Thank you for that reassurance. I wondered how in the world he could ask me to live with him, and several times at that; and not be "in" love with me. Thank you again, he KNOWS that I love him with my heart and soul even with the guy friends. We both are in the same social circle and he is a huge flirt like you ;+) as well as I. We have actually laughed on the way home about who is the worst. We do have the security now and have had for months to know that we will be together in our love nest at the end of the night. I do not usually react jealously and one of the main reasons being is his ex IS bi-polar and crazy and he has told me repeatedly that one of the things he loves about me is that I am for the most part drama free and that he doesn't have to justify every move he makes to me because and I quote him "we have the trust and respect for each other to let the other know when/if we do want to go on with another"

    For whoever asked about how to get them to open up and share with you is NOT to ask the questions. I have discovered with my guy that by not prying and making him feel pressured that as he did grow to trust me that the conversations will just flow from them! I now know so many very personal aspects and secrets about my J and in turn he knows me. With these men PATIENCE 🙂 I have always told my son though that patience is a virtue and will get you VERY far in life whether with a person or situation.

    Well I'm off of here for now I do appreciate your advice Hermit Crab as I'm sure the other girls do. Mine's ex left him and only took her clothes and I think she toys with his head by calling every so often to meet up and get items. Or, for instance he came across some christmas portraits of her children by other men and contacted her to see if she wanted them. That makes me mad that she toys with him that way and that he lets her. I wish you all a good evening I am hoping to bump into mine here in a while. I have been extremely upset the last couple of days due to my family issues and have been crying almost non-stop and now I need for him to hold me and comfort me like no other person I know can. He saw me Tuesday and tried to make me better but I was at an inconsolable point and he gave me the space I needed at the time. God how I love that man!

    Hermit Crab one more thing, please keep coming here as I am sure I will have new questions too! I am a Virgo and sometimes I need someone like you because my worriesome nature will give me more grey hair trying to analyze and pick apart stuff that doesn't even need it LoL!

  • I think we're past the "open up point" in our relationship, we can and do talk freely about most subjects including his family issues, personal fears, and ambitions. For some reason we from the day we met just clicked on the communication level when we are together, I just don't like the feeling that as soon as I get comfortable the rug will be pulled from under me, interestingly enough since my patience r an out (after 3 years dating, 6 years of friendship) is when I saw the greatest improvement.

    This seems to be the oposite of what many have sudgested, curious... maybe it has to do with his plantetarey allignment, although I am a gemini , most of my plantes are in earth and water (mars & saturn in cancer) although he is a cancer most of his planets are in fire and air. (mars in gemini) I don't know... but he definately has cancer tendecies so please any cancers who post answer my mini questionair, even if it's only a question or 2 I'm sure we all could use (and follow) the advice

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