Need help with healing from past

  • I recently posted some stuff about an ex boyfriend that "popped" up. He has been in and out of my life for quite some time. I am extremely confused and have no idea what I can do to get some relief from this problem. I made so many mistakes...being too clingy, not giving him space, critisizing, it goes on and on. I didnt realize how much I was doing this. My son was very sick and I was not myself. When my ex called me a couple days ago I apologized for the way I acted and said I wasnt myself at the time I think you knew that. He said he knew and hes not mad at me. I read in a book that if a man doesnt apologize for hurting you its because he cant handle not being forgiven. I still feel that he should apologize for not being there when I was clearly having a difficult time. Then I get frustrated with myself bc I think why dont I just give up and move on? Are any of you intuitive people picking up anything on this guy? I am just really confused. Why would he have called me like that in the first place? I sensed he feels guilty bc he kept asking all kinds of questions about the condition of my son and when I told him he was in remission he said good thats what I was hoping you would say. The next day he texted me jokes. the 3rd day I texted him once he responded within seconds. I am having a hard time now with the new guy I am dating bc I cant quit thinking about what may ne going on with my ex. I am so confused. One minute I think Im to blame for our breakup, th enext I think its his fault. Then I wonder why cant we just talk about it and work it out. Or why can tI just walk away. I have never been so in love with anyone my whole life I just dont no what to do.

  • G'day lovinmylife,

    Gee, your life's been full of ups and downs of late hasn't it? I can relate; although most of my issues are internal with a few external hiccups - so to speak - giving me grief then joy, grief then joy, etc.

    Your ex is trying to make amends for past hurts, and I feel he's doing this in all areas of his life. Was he quite a bit older than you? He comes across as someone who has trouble settling down; he's almost like someone who tries to go around fixing other people's problems and/or lives, then moving on to the next one - sort of like a modern day romantic Robin Hood if you know what I mean. His well is empty at the moment and he's trying to fill it by tying up loose ends. I get the feeling he's going to move on, possibly towards some quest to find himself, travel the world and see places he hasn't seen before; that sort of thing. He's very unsettled.

    I get that he is not someone who fares well in the midst of someone else's grief, which is a bit double-edged considering what I've said above. It's like he's prepared to go so far, but takes off as soon as the shite hits the fan.

    I feel that things with your current fella are a lot more stable than your ex can offer you, and you are now torn between going for the one who offers excitement or staying with the one who offers you somewhere to actually BE.

    If there's any advice to pass on here, it would be to talk to your ex. Definitely do that. And be honest with this current guy - he deserves that much. Step back if you can and imagine your life without your current man - how does that sit with you? Step back again and imagine your life with your ex back in it, taking off when the goin gets too tough and coming back when he's shaken off the rust and expecting it all to be the way it was.

    Until your ex has sorted out his own dilemmas, I really can only see you on an emotional roller coaster which could adversely affect you concentrating properly on the new job, the children and your life in general. Don't get me wrong: he's not a bad guy, just - as said - very unsettled and unsure of where he's going. The energy I get from your current fella is one of a hugely caring soul, a water energy - is he one of the water signs? - a very nurturing man. I also get that this one is a bit younger than you, which is not a bad thing. God knows you need a bit of craziness in your life to put a big smile on your face. I'm also feeling that there are a lot of laughs with this current one; it all comes across as good from where I'm sitting on the other side of the globe!

    But your ex, to me, spells trouble for you, regardless of how strong your feelings seem to be for him, at least for now.

    Do talk to him though and see what you can sort out. Remember you're at a stage in your life where you need people to be there for you, not the other way around all the time. Bringing up children on your own is a damned hard slog whether you're working as well or not. I think at best, it would be advisable to maintain a friendship with the ex, be honest about that to your current man, and see what comes in the future.

    I sure hope this helps you some and hasn't upset you any. I sympathise/empathise with your dilemma and can understand how difficult this would be for you.

    Good luck my friend; let me know what you thought of this reading! xoxoxoxoxoxxo

  • Cris you are right on as usual. Thank you so much for helping me sort out yet another crisis! My ex is one year older but he has lived alot of life. That may be why you sensed he is older. Unsettled is exactly what is going on with him. He hasnt taken the time to get to know himself yet. He has spent his life running and I have done all I can do to help him see himself, at least through my eyes. I am really just tired of coming to his rescue and feeling like he bails when I need him the most. He does exactly what you said that he comes in does what he can to bring me back to life, I get re attached and then its see you later. Then I am left worse off then I was when he first came bc my heart is broken. I am really sick of this pattern. i was hoping I could do something to break it. I dont see that happening anytime soon so I feel its best to stay in touch but distance myself at least on an emotional level. Because you are right I really need stability and to know who I can count on to be there at the end of the day. i know my ex wouldnt hurt me on purpose hes to sensitive to be that way. The other problem I am having is I am afraid to talk to him because he is a cancer and takes everything to heart and if he feels hes hurting me in any way he bolts. He has some growing up to do to say the least. But I guess I will keep him around a little we have 17 yrs of friendship under our belts so we must be doing something right.

    The new guy is also a cancer he is actually 20 yrs older than me. He is a very caring man. Thats what draws me to him. I am getting the vibe to that he is good for me right now. He has the ability to spoil me outragous if I let him. He knows about my ex. I told him I am having a hard time feeling close to any guy because I was so hurt this last time. I think he understands. he mostly feels protective of me. i dont feel the need to tell him about the phone conversation I had with my ex because it was only one phone call. If the ex tries to get more involved and I feel okay with it I will talk to my new guy about it. Truth is my new guy reminds me of ex as a more evolved mature man. Even their speech is similar and its a little wierd for me at times. I have lots of laughs with both guys and genuinely care for both but I am trying to just love the one I am with.

    I dont see my ex traveling as he just got temporary custody of his 2 yr old son. Sounds like he is trying out his life as a new dad. Maybe thats why you were getting that impression, he is trying on a new way of life with his single dad staus. the mother of the child kept him away from him for the first year and the courts took their time getting the child where he belongs. I have always been there for him and this last "round" he was dealing with not having his baby boy in his life and I was dealing with my sons diagnosis with lukemia. It was tragic for us all. My ex got so close to my son and thats what really kills me is that he not only bailed from my life but sons life. I am having a hard time getting over that. I am not quite sure how to talk to him about it without making him feel like a monster. He will think that he shouldnt come around at all then out of fear of hurting me again. The only thing that was said about the past was me apologizing for the way I acted and I told him I think he knew I wasnt myslef at the time. He said he did know that and hes not mad at me. But never once apologized to me for dropping out of our lives.

    When we had first "reunited" last year he started coming over everyday and sometimes slept on my couch and started fixing things around the house, helping me with my kids, and when my kids would sleep he would buy us take out and we would spend hours laughing and talking and loving every minute of our time together. After a couple months of that I asked him why he was doing this. He told me he was there for me and the kids and he was still trying to make up for lost time and not being there in the past. He said he was blind to what we had and didnt want to lose me again. Then our friendship evolved into a relationship. After a few more months of this he took off again!!! Then I went insane and said horrible things to him.

    I just thought he wasnt coming back around and thought if he did I would show him the door. Then out of the blue he calls and acts like nothing even happened and I have to figure out if I want to hug him or slap him.

    Sorry for going on and on I am just sick of the b.s. with him and I am even more sick with myself for not knowing the appropriate way to deal with this.

    Cris thanks so much for your response I will say it again you are an earth angel and I hope I am not overburdening you with my problems. I want to give you a big hug. ( :

  • you obviously have some things to work through with the relationship. i would advise you to sit down with the ex and have an open, heart to heart. now, maybe your heart will be 3/4 open and his 1/2 open, but regardless i believe you still may get some kind of closure, relied, something to snap you out of the confusion you are in now. sometimes, we dont like the answers we are given, but it is definitely better than not having any answers at all. i feel your pain. good luck.

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