Ex boyfriend contacting me out of the blue

  • I am confused on how to handle a situation with an exboyfriend. I have loved him since we met when we were kids. WE have been in and out of each others lives ever since. My problem is every time we get closer he runs away. He is a cancer ( its okay you can roll your eyes) and this last time we were in a serious relationship the circumstances were really bad. I was dealing with the shocking news of my son having luekemia and he was in a custody battle for his 1 yr old son. Niether of was in the best place emotionally but we were a great comfort to each other until he got scared again and pulled back a little and I panicked and went crazy and destroyed our relationship. He wouldnt speak to me for a while then he slowly started responding to text msgs and such. Then I gave up and stopped all contact. Well I had a dream a few nights ago that he was getting advice from a friend on how to handle a situation with me because he really missed me and wanted to be in my life again. Then a couple days later i woke up and knew he was going to call me and later that day he did! We talked for about an hour and I was in total shock. The next day a texted me a few times. I am so confused. If he is going to come back in my life I am not sure how much I should let him be in my life bc he hurt me so much in the past. I think I hurt him too. I miss him terrible and I am still in love always will be. But I want to make healthy choices for me and my kids. I just dont no what to do and I dont even know if I can handle just being friends either. I have been dating a new guy for the last few wks too. Another cancer man I know I am a cancer addict! Any suggestions? I dont want to scare him out of my life either by telling him everything I am feeling about this. But some of my friends are concerned and tell me I should have nothing to do with him because he was not there for me when I was in h e ll with my kid. I am having a hard time with this please HELP!!!

  • Hi, Well, that's a good indicator--he was not there when I needed him with my child. I agree w/your friends advice. I would leave it alone. Let him come to you--totally. Like Madonna says, let him express himself. I would get on with your life. If he wants a real relationship, he needs to express that. You don't have to available whenever he decides he wants to talk with you.

  • Thanks Dalia I am not doing anything about the situation except responding to him. I just wonder if I should even be doing that right now. The problem is the feelings are still there and if there is a second chance around the corner I wouldnt want to lose that oppurtunity. I am playing it cool for now and not letting him know anything that I feel at this point. we will see I guess. I am just confused on how to handle this. This needs to be dealt with delicately.

  • I am coming to my own conclusion that I need to ignore him right now bc he thinks he can come in and out of my life as he pleases and I am allowing that to happen. Its sad to lose someone I have known over half my life but I am litteraly getting sick to my stomach over this. all this is doing is bringing me down. If he want to be in my life so bad he will just have to try harder I guess. Didnt want to play games but I have to stand up for myself in this situation.

  • Unfortunately, there seems to be skeletons of exes in many of our closets that never seem to disappear without haunting us into giving in to their demands.

    Emotionally, he has not been with you in the past. I cannot see how he would change overnight into the person you want him to be. My sense is that he needs emotional support but is not mature enough to give of himself or has self-esteem issues due to previous behavior patterns.

    There is nothing wrong with being friends with your ex. However, you need to make it clear that you have needs that have not been met and are not being met now, because it concerns him. You are not his sponge to wipe up the mess he created either for you or for himself. If he asks for advice, refer him to a good psychotherapist and wash your hands of further involvement beyond friendship. He needs to accept responsibility for his actions and grow up.

  • When I tried telling him that he drops out of my life unexpectedly and it really hurts me he told me that he can never give me what I need and we fought and fought which led to him dissapearing again with no regard to what I was feeling or going through at the time with my very sick child. The more I think about htis the more angry I get bc I dont even think a friend would do that. He def has growing up to do. He couldnt even apologize to me when we spoke two days ago. I am really not sure that I want friendship because I was so in love I couldnt see straight. Telling him how I feel pushes him away even further so I guess thats my answer. I really believed he was my soulmate I believed that for a long long time. That dream is over. I just dont understand though why I dream about future events with him that always happen. or why do I know when hes going to contact me. Sometimes I feel like I know when he is even thinking of me. That is the part that really perplexes me. I think i need to just let him go because I am starting to go crazy already, just over a few stupid texts and one phonecall. Thank you firefly I appreciate your input. You seem to pick up on alot thank you.

  • Hey Lovininmylife, sorry to see that you are in a perplexing situation right now, I can't believe I'm reading this as almost the same thing is happening/has happened to me! Also with a Cancerian guy! You obviously know the story... Soul mate, loads of love and deep feelings, feeling that you have been together before also as well as meant to be together now... My guy also loved me but wouldn't give me the comittment I needed, he broke promises, dates ect. but on family occasions (his side) I was always expected to be there and he always took me to them. I was smitten and angry as he would always scuttle off into his shell again soon after. We were also very close friends and it should have been easy for him to share his emotions with me. Anyhow, that was years ago and I eventually broke the pattern by breaking it off suddenly (after he didn't show up for a date) and always wonder if I did the right thing cos' I started seeing somebody else out of anger! I still feel guilty for this today as I know I hurt my cancerian guy badly.

    As far as the present goes, I always wondered if I should have stuck it out, even though I was at the end oof my tether as I have never found that kind of relationship since. About ten days ago I searched for him on Facebook and there he was! Even though I think I may have searched for him before with no luck. I couldn't believe it! so I sent him a friend request. In true to form style I have had no response from him as yet!

    I can already feel myself becoming frustrated because of the lack of response, this has however enabled me to remember how frustrated he made me feel all those years ago! And I now know that things probably won't ever change, cancerians are the worse at changing lifelong habits (no offence to those who do change habits)! I realise that although the deep feelings are going to be there for this lifetime it doesn't necessarely follow that this is going to be your life partner I guess.

    I believe that we incarnate from a soul group and this may mean that others from the same soul family incarnate with us at the same time. Maybe these souls can provide love and comfort on the deepest level possible ( as their energy resonates so easily with ours) but that seems to be as far as it will go, and they always dissappear afterwards. I guess they have their own things in life to learn for the good of the soul group, just as we have.

    So, I think you maybe need to try and understand if you want him in your life at any level (or even if you can accept him at any level) as you are (deservedly so) still angry about his lack when you needed him so badly. Maybe cancerian men in particular are uncomfortable with showing their emotions as they may feel that it is not 'manly'. If only they knew that that was what women want from men!

    I hope you find some peaceand calm in all of this. Love and light, B.

  • oh my god i am going through the same thing. and it's killing me. i want him back and then i don't maybe i just don't want the drama that comes with him he's walked out on me twice .when i needed him the most. it's an awful feeling i don't know when it will go away.but iam hoping soon he won't talk to me. thats what kills me.he.ll text then he gets mad over little things. i don;t want to walk away but i think he has. past 4 days he wont even text me

  • Thank you for responding i need all the support I can get bc I am really struggling with this. I also have a gem moon as a contributing factor which would explain why 2 days ago I was overjoyed and now I am angry upset and confused. Also going on a total lack of sleep here. Anyways I am not doing anything about this situation until my emotions cool down bc I like you made regretable mistakes with my man last year and I am suprised at all that we are even speaking to each other. So having said all that the ball is back on his court and im walking away from the game for a minute until either A. He realizes I need an apology or B. I figure out if I still want him in my life. I am dating a really nice guy right now too and the feelings arent as strong as they are for my ex but he treats me with respect and he cares about me. So i am gonna spend some time with him later when my kids go with their dad and let him shower me with the attention I deserve. And who knows my feelings may start to grow even more for him if I let my gaurd down a little. This is the first time I have dated anyone since we broke up almost a year ago. I made this choice based on that I liked the way my new bf treats me.He dotes on me, showers me with attention, does things a real man is supposed to do such as before I left for vacation he replaced all of my tires so I had a safe trip with my kids. I purposly waited to date the new guy until I felt like I could finally move on from my ex bc I thought if he came back and I went for it i risked hurting my new bf who I have been friends with for a couple years. Too little too late I am afraid. Its no suprise to me that he would decide to contact me now that I am with someone else. Oh well his loss. Thanks again to all of you who are responding I am starting to see this clearer everytime I read what you are all thinking and feeling. GOD BLESS YOU ALL!

  • Hey Lovinmylife, I think you have made the right decision as your new boyfriend sounds like a decent guy who is besotted with you and there aren't many of those around! He would be distraught if you decided to go back to your previous guy. I am sure in time that your feelings for your guy you are with now will deepen, not the same as with the ex, but they will deepen none the less, and may probably surprise you along the way.

    Maybe the reappearance in your life of your ex is a test of some kind to help you understand that a relationship with your ex would (although have intense feelings) never be the way you wish it would. This may be a test to help you realise this so that you can move on with your life. I think also that you may have come to a decision in your unconscious mind already.

    I hope you find some peace of mind, we are all rooting for you! luv, B.

  • Hey Kaydenjay, I think there is some one new waiting for you to free yourself from this struggle with your current relationship, do you know what I am talking about?

    Hope you find some comfort also, love and light, B.

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