I need some outside advice.

  • I got married when I was 17 to the first guy I met at my first job in 1993, I’ve been married for 15 years and he was my first. To go a little farther back, I was very abused as a child for the first 8 years of my life I was abused in every way you can think of. I moved to Utah when I was 9 and I was abused again but by my school peers (I can scars on my face and arms where I was beaten by them). So as friends or boyfriends go, it was not possible.

    I was never independent, never lived alone, never supported myself. I’ve also been very sheltered. Never go out with friends, never had any except through my husband.

    My other job I had for 8 years, I worked in an office with 7 very conservative women. My family moved out to Mississippi and now I work as a cocktail waitress. Woooo, I know huge change! More money though. I’m 33 now and I really blossomed. My husband has changed. He’s become very possessive and insecure.

    I met someone who changed my whole outlook on life. I’ve never met anyone like him. I know he likes me a little too much, more than he should. I push him away and it breaks my heart and the look on his face is heartbreaking.

    This guy makes me feel alive inside whenever I see him. It’s complicated, but he's the first person who has ever run his hand down my back. No one has ever done that, not even my husband. I know its sexual harassment, but I want it and I miss it when he doesn’t do it. He is not creepy by far; he is very honest with himself. I guess you have to know him. The other waitresses see him giving more attention to me, smiling at me, staring at me. When they tell me this I push him away. Because I can't do anything, I’m not that way. Then I hear other waitresses talk of "hooking up with him." and I push him away even more. He’s stop touching me because I’m pushing him away so much. I can tell by the look on his face and hear in his voice that something has changed. I don’t know what I’m getting myself into. I’ve never been in this situation before. I know that I can’t love my husband anymore. I’ve told him as much. Were temporarily separated right now to figure out what I want in life and love. And I think I deserve a chance to live independently. Now, as I sit quietly, the other waitresses I work with talk of how they think they are in love with him also. And how a year ago she left her husband of 2 years to be with him, and she's exited of the prospect of being with him. What is this!!!!!!!

    What the heck is going on? Is he a manipulator? Does he manipulate people to feed a giant ego he has?

    I feel so lost.

  • Hi mdCarr,

    Your heart is crying out for healing, sweetheart. I'm going to suggest to you that you open your phonebook today and find a therapist who can help you with your transitions. Your feelings are very deep, very potent, and require someone who is skilled to help you acknowledge them and work them out of your system. It is a positive thing to seek help from others when we have unresolved issues, as you do, as all of us do. This person (a woman) is very skilled with abusive situations and also has a holistic approach to her therapy. I feel her name is Mandy or something very close to that. You have the funds to see her; take the opportunity now for your personal well being.

    You deserve to be independant. You deserve love in all its forms. Hooking up with this new man while you are beginning a process of healing is not advisable. If he can simply be a supportive friend, that's wonderful. If not, be honest with him and steer clear.

    Make your top priority your personal well-being. There is nothing else.

    Know that your past is still affecting you, lovey, and let that be okay. Know that if you start down this path today, your healing will occur that much faster. There are joys ahead that are especially for you!

    Open your phone book today. Mandy is waiting for you to call.

    Take very special care, and write back to let me know your progress.



  • Men like attention the same as women. Seems like he is getting plenty attention. Your husband is probably jealous because you are cocktail waitressing. Kind of look at it as if you were in his shoes. I would be real careful w/the touchy guy. I have a strong feeling that he is a player. If you have been in a sheltered environment (alot of victims have been), then you will be captivated by alot of people. I would look for a job outside of a bar. This is just my opinion. Definitely talk to someone. If you can't afford it, clergy, teacher etc. I believe all of us know when we are going down the wrong path. I just don't think Love is putting your hand down someones back in a bar. When I need to, I talk about it. Take care.

  • I too am a survivor of insect and other childhood abuse!

    I too have lived in the shadow of both of my ex husbands and I too kept going for the WRONG kind of guy. That is just what this type of abuse does to us, IF WE LET IT

    I made that mistake not knowing that it was a mistake back then.

    I so agree with "Ahliyah"........get some counseling ASAP......first and foremost, forgive yourself, regain your self respect, learn to love yourself and love yourself for who you are.

    But until you do this and I quote "you have to do this for yourself and yourself ONLY"

    Once you have accomplished this, you will gain this ever so liberating power ........your self esteem ....and it will rise sky high and everything will fall into its place all by it self!!!

    I also agree very very strongly with "DALIA"

    The bar was a good way for you to at least finally step out of your shell.......BUT, trust me, true love you will not find there, you WILL just make a easy target for those that are NOT the RIGHT KIND OF GUY and you WILL go for "that guy" over and over again......I am very much speaking from loads of experience........I was a bartender for 15 years.(I am 47 by the way)

    Now I am a artist/motorcycle rally promoter/webmistress, but most of all I am a very happy single mom

    The true love you need to find is within yourself.......true love for yourself!!!!!!!!!

    And never EVER forget to think & feel positive. The positive that is true within your soul and is true with the universe will always void out the negative....but remember this is true vise versa.

    If you have never heard of a video called "The Secret" you have got to check it out.....TRUST ME GIRL!!!

    I watch it as often as I feel the need and it has help me so much!!!

    Copy the link below and paste it in your browser exactly as I put it.You should get a page that has 5 ........20 minute sections (and dont worry about having to order it..this version is FREE, just click on the little arrow in the screen to begin)

    http://www.watchtvsitcoms.com/Movies/The Secret.php

    Let me know if you have trouble viewing it!!!!

    I wish you all that ..........That I wish upon myself my dear!!!

    Blessed be,


  • Correction on that link I meantioned about the free "The Secret" versions.......just checked it and it looks like that its been removed.

    But here is a link to a utube video of the first 20 + minutes, so you can get a more then great idea of what it is all about.


    The 1st 2 or 3 minutes may seem somewhat like what the heck is this....lol........after that it will get into it..

    Let me know what you think!!!


  • hey md---wonderful advice from all these good people !! can't say anymore than they have except that you are a special person-- one day you'll know this !!! luv xxx

  • My Sister,

    You are beautiful and it is common for a beautiful woman not to think that she is beautiful because she has low self esteen due to the abuse that has been inflicted upon her. Your husband wasnt your soul mate he was a guy you used to leave your abuusive environment. The touch you felt onyour back from the stranger woke up your deep seated need for love and attention that you crave. You have craved attention as a child and those needs have not totally been fulfilled. Please don't get LUST and LOVE confused.When you didn't return affection or acceptance to the stranger he began to pull back due to rejection. I'M NOT SURE ABOUT THE STRANGER I know for a fact that if you pray a prayer and ask God to reveal your soul mate to you he will. Be willing to accept his choice. Believe me you will know. You are wounded and youi need spiritual healing. ASK AND YE SHALL RECEIVE.

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