Re-newed relationship and I am - full of anxiety
After 3months now , I still see nothing in common with my old and dear new partner we went out for 6yrs -30 yrs ago and we meet again, there is still love for each other but we have nothing in common except music and poetry and lyrics I write he is a musician. I don,t know what to do,.I was married divorced 6yrs ago , he was never married I have children family life ect. he does not, my children are all married 2 live out of country .. Yes I am often lonely. He is very rich but you would never know it . He says he is so Happy to have found me again but he also tells me ( do not try to change me ), I will change myself.... I hate his cheapness and I certainly can not live his frugal life style. I live on a budget and so does he. It is amazing to me as he is a millionaire. I feel like life is too short especially at our age and that he should at least not argue over $5,oo chicken wings when I prefer the better tasting & better quality restaurant . Am I being petty or should I just stick to my quality rather than his quantity attitude, He can be sweet and lovable he is still very handsome ,clean ,funny and very talented., and he tells me everyday that he LOVES ME. Please any advise. I need help . .......... Leonida....... we are age 66 &64
he is a millionaire and he argus over $ 5 chicken wing?
hmm I wouldn't be able to live with someone like that even if he is rich and I love him
I don't have millions but even I don't argue about anything under $ 10 unless I have to pay that amount monthly because our budget is very tight right now
I would go with quality if I had the money. unless it's more than $ 100 difference.
but I am still in my 30s so this look will probably change if I get to 60 and have children/grandchildren I will spend most of my money helping them and my husband
I feel his frugality stems from a past life where he lived in abject poverty and survived on the love of his family alone. Even though he has plenty of money in this life, I also feel this has been hard-earned (with a spattering of lucky investments or inheritances) and he is frightened of being in poverty again by making a mistake with his spending. However, I do get that he can be very generous with gifts, etc, and that he wouldn't bat an eyelid over spending well in excess of $5.00 (or even $50.00) for a piece of jewellery for you. Is he a Virgo by any chance? Often, they can be very two-sided in their spending: they have to have the best of everything, but will bicker about, as you say, a serving of $5.00 chicken wings as opposed to the more expensive, better tasting ones. Have you spoken to him about this? I would if I were you, if you are considering taking this relationship further, ie, living together. Life's too short!
That said, I'd just accept him for how he is and try to live separately, for the time being at least. He's a free spirit who doesn't really want to be tied down (which also makes me think he's a Virgo or similar).
Keep your integrity is the message I'm getting here. I know life is lonely for you, but think of him as being a pleasant addition to your circle of friends, don't put too much stock on a relationship yet, and see how it pans out. He needs to know you're not going to shaft him like a certain ex-wife tried to some years ago ...
I guess what your saying is that he's not very generous. Sounds like the remnants of the Great Depression--that left a mark on a lot of people. Your going to be struggling with this because I think deep down you'd really like to be friends with him. If it were I, I wouldn't reconsider a relationship based on what you've said. I see you as "caving in" to him. I don't think you stand up for what you feel because of what he might think or say. Be yourself. If you want the better restaurant then go for it. Is he gonna worry you to death about it. There's a bumper sticker I see sometimes that says, Get in the car, put on your seatbelts and shut up. I'm sorry but that is how I would treat this. As for his drinking, I think he's right--only he can change that. I wouldn't worry yourself over this guy. If he loves you, he'll find a way back--not you.
Chris1962, You probably hit on some points and I certainly agree I would not commit to living together but I will treat it as an additional friendship ,but he is the one pushing for more. He knows I would not live his frugal life style so why would he want to encourage more than friendship, that is what I do not understand . He was never married or taken finacially by anyone., Why would he express feelings of love to me and at the same time continue this frugal way of life . I guess I am just very frustrated with it all. ty for you response..... Leonida
dahlia I have told him he just says he like the way he lives, I can see that is not alway so .... ..anyhow I am sure that one of these days I might just blow-up a little and put it to the real test.All-in all I think I have nothing to loose by defending my integerity.
chris1962, No he is not a Virgo...... A Taurus & I am Aquarius
Ah, the "ex-wife" I saw may have been a past life thing also, or even stemming from his own mother's attitude. Or I'm havin a bad day!!!
Yeah, this sort of stuff would make you very angry as this is supposed to be your golden years. At the moment, with his attitude, I can only see him causing you more grief in a relationship, but strangely enough, could be a fine friendship for you both. I think there is an element of control in him as well, and he may see in you someone who, if you become more romantically involved, he can gently control to some degree. There's some people in this world who never settle down and for good reason, yet as they grow older they see their lives stretching out, being spent largely alone which is why he's pushing for more (at least that's the message I get).
I repeat what I sad above: keep your integrity. You're a strong lady and one who is just fine on her own, albeit a bit lonesome at the moment and that's understandable. Remember: where one door closes, another opens and you standing up for your beliefs will attract something better from the universe. Hang in there: good things are a-comin. But don't write this one out of your life completely, unless he really doesn't want friendship only.
Again, good luck! xoxoxoxoxoxoxox
Hello again I write lyrics & poetry He is a musician piano player He told me once he laughs at life & flirts with death and of course he keeps his money so I wrote this for myself as I observed him in his backyard''''''''''
A mile minute his mind is going, isn,t life funny
I bet everyone wants my love
Well the jokes on them,with a mirage of hope
Cause I just don,t really care
the only thing that matters is that it,s still there
protected like babies in the womb.
I laugh at life and flirt with death
With animals and insects,birds and trees
I pacify my love for nature ,beer in hand .
No troubles here
I left them all in the deadness of my mind .
And re-invented myself ,
to laugh at life and flirt with death
Now this is what I see about him . has he seen it? ( YES) he likes it wants to make music notes for it.
HI Leonida, I didnt read all the posts but after reading your first one I thought...Why does she have to live with him? I know you are thinking about what kind of future you might have with this man bc you love him right? But I ve been in a on going situation with an old flame and when I would jump to far ahead of the current situation it never seemed to work out. My advice is take it slow enjoy his company and try to think clearly but also listen to your heart. As far as the money is concerned, if you are taking care of yourself why do you have to combine finances? I realize you have a relationship from the past but I feel that you may need to slow this down a little and just enjoy the newness of an old love. ( :
When it comes to habits, people seldom "want" to change their ways, even when shown the value of thinking more of the other than in oneself.
Since the two of you grew up during the post-WWII years, it would be natural for him to be more frugal as he is the rightful breadwinner. If you were his wife, you should be much more submissive as his decisions, not yours, make him accountable before God. His reasoning stems from how he grew up and the values instilled in him to hold onto what he has rather than spending it on non-essentials.
While food may be an essential, anger does not result in rightousness. During times of stress, perhaps it would be more beneficial to pray for self-control; so that you will be able to hand this burden to God and allow Him to make the final decision.
Remember 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 encourages all mankind the proper manner to show love. Loving one's inner qualities (rather than his money) is only proven over time. This particular man seems to be testing your durability and steadfastness prior to making a final decision about your future together. Do you have what it takes to make a relationship work? This seems to be the question he is silently wondering. Or will the future only hold disappointment and resentment over minor matters?
The presence or absence of money should not be quite as important as you seem overly concerned about spending money while he prefers to save it for a time of need. Having enough money to provide the essentials in life is the issue. Showing your feelings so openly about the facts of his financial status seems to point to an imbalance within the relationship.
Perhaps, the question you need to ask yourself is, "If he had been poor when we met, would I still want to be with him now?"
Thank you all, I love all your post to me and you have all made me feel better. Leonida
Hello Firefly01, I met him 36yrs ago we went out for 6yrs I had been married and widowed and left with 3 children, there where problems with his family at the time they did not want their son to marry a womwn with 3 children. And yes he was torn and made the decision to please his family. I movedf away very broken hearted but understood and had to accept. My children are grown and live in other countries and I have met up- with him again after all these yrs. At first there was a spark and then a little flame and now he says it,s a big fire( he can be quite funny ) anyhow I struggled to raise my3 sons on my own., This situation is not about my wanting his money it is about principal and love for one an other. He was Ill last week and I spent $16.00 to take a cab to take care of him .I live on a budget . He was Happy I came but did not like that I spent that amount for a cab . His suggestion for next time is that I take the bus.
I would like to add that I am the one who was always poor and I assumed he was too . And He was the Love of my life , You see my Husband at the time took off to europe with an other women left me to take care of of our children alone and then shortly after that he became very sick and died with the other women. I met the man I am talking about 2yrs after my husbands death.
Firefly01 I hope you understand that it is not about the money it is about the principal and I am in my mid 60,s and it is after all the year 2009 .
Hello, again Lovinmylife, thank you for responding to me,YOu are right i do care for him and I am frightened of my own feelings of course this is why I have anxiety about the entire situation. Because I knew him before and loved him deeply many yrs ago and it didn,t work , I am probably more aware of the negatives that where there, and this is what i am am trying to deal with as I can only try to treat our situation ..as it reall y is today. & sometimes that is not easy as he constantly talks of the past. I hope you understand and that I have explained myself clearly especially in regards to his wealth, You see I Ioved him for 6yrs and the money didn,t matter. It was alway,s the principal and still is, but I still feel we are soulmates and yet we are so different , I think you are young and wise and might read in between the lines , and of course there are going to be day,s when we are not sure of what we are doing and why ... anyhow it is alway,s nice to hear your comments . Leonida
Thanks Leonida. I am struggling with a past boyfriend as well. its not easy I understand. Hes the love of my life and the relationship ended several months ago. At first I was desperate and pining over him. Then I let it go and stopped all contact. Now hes starting to contact me again and I dont understand why. The feelings are still there and I dont really know what to do bc my heart wants to be with him but my head is reminding me of all the hurt that came along with him. I am not making any moves on this but I am happy to hear from him. Okay Im in denial I am in bliss when we talk. But I refuse to give him all my power this time. i am hoping that I can end this horrible cycle of being in and out of each others lives. But I understand the anxiety of wondering what the future holds with that person. Lets face it loving someone that much is really scary. At least it is for me. Wish me luck bc I need to stay strong.
loveinmylife, You do need to stay strong and you also need to bring about boundries, If there is true love on his part then you will not just hear it you will truly feel it and most importantly YOU NEED TO SEE IT., of course that is the part we are often in denial about , I know I have been there and because i am older than you I feel that is the area I neglected in the past ,so now I look more at actions than words and emotions. I hope this helps you and I will be thinking of you, I sense you are very smart and you will be cautious and wise, not just for you but for your little family, you have a lot to look forward to and never sell yourself short.