LAWDAWG ..need your input..please!!!!
Lawdog.... maybe you can give me some insight about my Cancer guy... we have known each other for a year, we met online while I was in Texas...I moved to California where he is (san jose), I am in Sacramento...we have met and dated infrequently because he works full time and also has young boys 9 nd 11. He and his boys went to Hawaii and just in the last 5 days he started becoming distant and sarcastic... He is voicing his desire for me to be simple in my wys and manners as he is. In simple I mean he wants me to not wear makeup, which I wear very little anyway...no tanning, I don't like to tan....he in short said he disdains the western culture bull s h i t... he had mentioned wanting things in his life simple so I was aware of his desires already and its not a big deal, I love him and he loves me too.... what I'm wondering is should I be worried that he is controlling and it will get worse or is he just grooming me to move to the next level...he said he wants to be sure REAL sure because his boys are young and he said he wants "perfection in consistency"... he has 2 failed marriages, 1 from drugs and infidelity which ruined a budding pro baseball career.... his 2nd failed because she was what he says "an ice queen".... his parents were married for 40 years before his dad passed and his mom never looked for another relationship after his death...my guy says he wants this long happy relationship as its ideal to him.... so again, is my guy grooming me or is his controlling side emerging as he gets more serious about "us".... thanks for any input on this matter...its making me emotionally incapacitated..
I know you are asking for lawdawg’s advice and I hope you don’t mind me adding my 2 cents worth.
There was a short period a long time ago when my Cancer dissected all my imperfections and subtly and sometimes not so subtly pointed them out to me. It made me feel like I had to walk on egg shells around him. Now, I know there are people who can live their life that way, but I couldn’t. Unless you are willing to give up your individuality, a life time partnership that doesn’t accept and respect each other’s individuality can’t be sustained and it is controlling if someone expects you to. When we reunited, one of the first things out of my mouth was I am who I am and it wouldn’t work if he couldn’t accept that. People grow and change within a relationship, and unless you and your partner accepts the imperfections of that moment then those imperfections will remain stagnate because one will always be looking at them too closely and the other will be resisting someone trying to control who they are. But, this is my opinion only.
My partner also has 2 failed marriages and there is no way in h-ll he would venture into something that wasn’t ideal or have the potential to be ideal. He also wants a simple life but I can tell you his life is more complicated than mine. So, unless yours is talking about an extravagant lifestyle which he has no desire for, then I guess you will need to see if what you want fits in with what he wants and vice versa. The Aquarian in me recoils at the word grooming…I think it as more a way of finding out the direction you are headed in and if you are both walking down the same path.
Walking on eggshells is a great way to put how he sometimes makes me feel. However, he and I haven't spent a lot of physical time together yet for him to see I am simple in my ways already and he doesn't need to fear that I am like his ex-wife, who dressed up with lots of make up to flirt with other men while he was right there. I know his dissecting of me is from his own fears. I am willing to take the time to work with his fears and make him see all women are not like his ex wife. He really is a very affectionate, attentive and sweet man, he just wants to be sure I am who I say I am and I will meld with his family. I'm emotionally invested in him and am willing to go the extra mile to see if we are compatible before throwing in the towel because he wishes me to adopt simple living ways. I am very low key, not a partier, not into the nightlife.. he will have to adapt and accept me for who I am for me to take it to the next level. I know the word grooming may have been the wrong choice.... but it almost seems like he is using a fine tooth comb on me before he takes me into the fold. We shall see... thanks for your input, I truly appreciate it..... love and light to you, Claire
Stay clam. What the Cancer is trying to do is see if you are his girl. He thinks that your new look will attract too much competition. There are ways to handle this situation. 1. Tell him that you love him and that you desire to be your best for him and that includes looking your best. You must let him know that you will not present yourself less than what you feel is appropriate. Tell him either he loves you and accept you for who you are or he needs to move on.
2. The second way is to involve him in the process. Get made-up with him present and ask for his suggestions. Tell him you want to please him and you know that you like him but you must also like yourself.
I have told my guy I love him and want to be my best for him... he was almost freaking out when he was in Hawaii that he NEEDED simple. I tell him frequently that I love him and want a LTR with him and that I would like to be a part of his family unit. He tells me he loves me daily but is dragging his feet as far as introducing me to his boys. What is a normal time range before bringing the GF into the mix...we have known each other for almost 15 months but have been physically seeing each other for almost 4 months.... Is he being careful or fearful?
I feel like an interloper…sorry, but I just wanted to comment on your questions. I think it’s a little of both; careful and fearful. A twice bitten Cancer will be extremely cautious and you will need to be doubly patient. I don’t think you can put a time on when someone starts to bring you into the friends/family fold. It all depends on how the relationship is going and how secure he feels in it. Has he already committed to a gf/bf relationship? Personally I think 4 months is still a little early to worry about it just yet, but I would wonder about the freaking out part. Is he feeling pressured?
I'm just as concerned about your motives as I am about his hesitation. He is in YOUR life and you guys are developing a relationship. A Cancer needs to bond with his lover before he let's them into his family circle. How much time that takes is dependent upon a multitude of things: past relationship experiences, past pain, past mistakes, your level of commitment, the family's readiness to accept a new love in his life.
My question is, why are You in such a rush!!!
I don't know why I am in a rush.... I think I am a little insecure in the relationship because he has limited time to spend with me and I am jumping ahead of myself in my need to feel secure within the relationship. He has already told me he needs to be sure so I am aware of this...I am asking questions of you because I need to rationalize my fears of being hurt. I have indeed told myself why am I in a rush when I need to let the relationship evolve on its own, but the little negative voice in my head is always trying to make me feel like a convenient "best friend with benefits" type deal when I know in my heart this is in fact not the case. And yes, Aqua, he has committed to a bf/gf relationship. I really appreciate the words of wisdom as I truly do struggle with the insecure feelings, he doesn't seem to struggle, he just goes along calmly while I always question the whys and whats.... female emotions? yep, menopause partly to blame, moodiness? probably... I have had to remind him that I appreciate communication as he gets caught up in his world of work, kids and running marathons. I guess what I am really lamenting about is the infrequency of our together time.... I have always believed that when you were in love you want to see that person as often as humanly possible, and to talk as often as you can on the phone... I struggle with it.... ouch.....
As a Cancer, I feel your pain. I too have a love (LEO) that travels for her job. We are madly in love but only get to see each other during the weekends. We have a fab time together and the time passes so quickly. The separation anxiety sets in toward the end of our visits and we both suffer mini depressions. She is dedicated to her job and has the same communication issues as your lover. We have had quarrels about her unresponsiveness. I have resolved, however, i will not try to change this woman at this late date in her life. I will love the parts of her that she is capable of giving and let time, love and passion do the rest
I have learned, however, that real love, true love has to be unselfish. As a partner, you must sometime sacrifice your needs for the needs of the relationship. Don't pit yourself against his present life with friends, family and recreation. After all, these things form the basis of your attraction to him and your love for him. His coolness is just his way of dealing with the separation you two must experience. He is afraid that he will be overwhelmed by this love and relive mistakes of the pass. Become resolute that you are going to be intelligently vulnerable. I know vulnerability seems like a bad word to lovers. We always want to guide our heart and spare it the pain of heartbreak. But the heights and depths that love can reach are dictated by our level of commitment and vulnerability. Can't have the whole experience without opening your heart and taking the risks...
lawdawg>> hi! long time havent heard about you. nice to read that Leo lady is still around. im happy for you. just wanted to say hi after this long time. i kind of thought you are not around anymore.
You are really on the pulse of these crazy cancer relationships... I am fighting with myself to just let love and vulnerability take its course. Since you and i seem to be in the same boat your insight is very valuable to me. I need a cancer man to tell me the quirkiness of another cancer man and how I go about navigating this ocean of emotions I feel brought on by his distinct behavior. I do have to say that he asked me my "ring sizes" emphasis on sizes... I don't know what to expect and am not going to let myself over analyze it... he was in Hawaii and he is in fact half hawaiian so maybe a local culture commitment ring, I don't know, we shall see. Its a step in the right direction though and makes me feel better about his intentions towards me and our relationship. I know you have struggled with your lady love for awhile now and I know how you feel, the desire to just be together and be happy is sometimes overwhelming.
Yeah, I've been suffering from the contentment of newly found love. Spending my time fighting this cruel economy and loving her is now a full-time job. Things are good with me and I don't have any real love issues except time and distance. However, a Cancer from the past is stirring things up by acting clingy and trying to reenter her life. Poor, poor Cancers. They always bark up the wrong tree and have to lick their wounds for their poor timing and lack of control over their emotions. He is a semi-celebrity so I was worried when he blew into town in an effort to reclaim her heart. I let her handle that situation, however, and hopefully he got the message.
How are you? Are things ok in your world?
Sounds like things are on course. No pressure. Just ride the waves of love and see where it takes you. Remember there is nothing promised us in this life. Every bit of happiness we find is a treasure and we need to not have the expectation that it is our due. Take things for what they are and find solace in the moment...
Thanks for your input....truly appreciated....love and light to you, Claire
May I ask for a reading insight by you?
Im a pisces march 10 1972 born
My issues are:
Which man, charlie cancerian fireman or alden writer libra is for me?
Relocation in the town i am now or different country?
how if different country?
Who helps me relocate?'
What work / education will I be doing?
Who is the dad`?
Which man do i marry if i marry at all?'
I say this because i have no prob not marrying if they aint interessted.
Whats the deal with my oldest friend connor, aries born?
N last whatever else u see feel get.'
Thank you so ever much.
Im happy to hear that there is not much issue in love for you. and the distance and time problem... well at least you will not get bored of each other for long!!!
but seriously i can understand it too much. imagine i had a relationship (real big love) when at the beginning (in the first year) for 9 months we had to live 2000 kms apart because of work issues. i've seen him 1 time during this 9 months and i thought im not gonna survive. so i know what you are talking about.
do not worry about the other man, if she is so happy with you, she wont want anyone else. women (maybe men too, but i can only speak for us, women) are like that... if they really love someone that lasts forever and they dont see any other men, just you.
im not that good right now. he (cancer guy) left me around the middle of may without a word. i mean i mentioned a problem to him (not in a rude or mean way) and he never answered again. i guess thats how much i meant to him. but it's ok, im gonna be fine, at least i dont have to waste time for someone who is not the right for me. i am pretty much hurt, but surviving.
How are you? Are things ok in your world?
Lawdawg: ps. sorry, i left the last line from your comment in my comment.
Sorry CharmWitchbente, not a psychic. I will say that the issues you are looking for answers for can only be answered by you. There are many variables that make our lives happy and complete. Remember it's not the destination, it's the journey.
Sorry to hear about your lost love. I have found, however, that the bad lover have to leave for the good ones to arrive.
lawdawg: well yes, im sorry too. but im sure for some reasons it had to happen that way. i try to keep my chin up!