Please Help! Lost all dear to me...undeservingly so.
Think about the time frame, your life has been shit for 5 years and you were threatened about losing your babies about that time ago.... how long after the threat did you give in? Why aren't your boys with you? Most courts would appoint the mother. It is always the family courts decision to appoint in the Mothers favour unless their are outstanding issues. Sorry to be so direct but are you really being honest about your situation..? If your ex is truly an arsehole and you are being victimised what are you doing about it? Are you doing everything you need to get your children back. What is it you are missing, and are you able to stand up and fight for your kids?
im trying to maintain my composure here...first off, i did not give in. my ex put false child abuse charges against me.
i fought it, my lawyers reccommended no to have my children put through the horrors of court and being on the stand and said i should settle with what the state offerred, which is pre trial intervention, leaving my record clean.
the boys are 12 and 16 and do not want anything to do with me due to my ex's brainwashing.
maybe since you are so ignorant, you should read about Parental Alienation Syndrome. Please do, it is real, and my case is extreme, but also real.
And custody has not been decided yet. By the way, courts no longer favor the mother. Get a clue.
I am really disgusted by your reply.
Some people are so ignorant and judgemental. Such as YOU.
And i have been nothing but honest here.
People such as you, well nevermind.
Thanx bunches to all of the sweet souls that replied...you are angels and your support is so appreciated!
Oh my goodness, I was not trying to be judgemental hun. I am really sorry I came across so direct. My appologies.
Please re read what I have asked as I really just wanted to know more information. Im just a bit too direct sometimes as I expect people to read my mind. I have been through the same thing. I was really asking if you have everything you need to fight this?
It was really a bunch of questions I was asking and at no stage was judging you or making light of your situation.. the opposite in fact. My ex husband's brother is the head of communications for the police. He could do no wrong.
Please accept my sincere apologies for upsetting you.
When I asked when you gave in I was refering to the point in the relationship that made you look bad. If you can remember the first point of deception you will be able to track back. Did you keep a diary of events?
And being that I am in a different country with a huge difference in family law probably did say things that are very much out of content with your legislation. In this country the courts always favour the mother.. as a case manager for a government organisation I am very much in touch with the "law of the land". Again my appologies.
I really have your best intentions at heart which is why .. un meaningly ... may have ruffled your feathers.
i appreciate your apologies.
at this stage of the game, disrupting my boys lives would cause more harm than good. Trust me.
As I mentioned, I feel they will someday find their way to me again.
Now is not the time, and since their father is very concerned with how things "look", he is actually doing an ok job with them. I always ept them involved in sports and various extracurricular activities, and he has carried on that. They are doing rather well, thankfully.
So, again I appreciate everyone's responses, you all are wonderful.
If anyone happens to get a strong feeling or what have you while reading these posts, please let me know.
Im looking for hope.
Thanks again, blessings to you all.
I know exactly how you feel -- I went through all this 12 yrs ago and believe me, how you're feeling right now will not last! You NEED to believe that!
Firstly, you've done all the right things re: your boys, and in spite of what your ex has done to attempt to ruin you, in the end, it just won't work! Your boys have already had all the love they needed from you when it really counted, and that will stay with them forever! Doesn't matter if you're apart right now - the bond between mother and child can NEVER be broken!
( I am proof of that as both the child, and later as the mother :] )
Secondly, the love and care you've shown your brother and nephew will NOT go unnoticed. This may not be apparent to you right now, but they DO appreciate you for all you've done for them.
As much as you feel like 'throwing in the towel' and giving up right now -- it will all turn around for the better, and you'll be looking back with great relief that you hung in there! ;]
Find some volunteer work to do - ask at the hospital, or your Church. You're ideal in nature for nurturing those less fortunate than yourself, and the love you receive in return will be boundless!
If you can't find something local, then try one of those 3rd World organisations out there that could really use your help. Being away, somewhere else, could be just what you need! ;]
thanx for your support!
you really went thru this?
do you mind sharing?
Yes, believe it or not this is not uncommon ---- at this very moment millions of women around the world are suffering just as you are. If you contact women's support groups you'll know you are not alone.
Times like these can be very isolating, and you can feel like the world is imploding in on you -- thats why you need to make the effort to get out and reach out to others. Coming here is a good start ;] but you need to connect in person with others in your area.
The most harmful thing you can do is to not believe in yourself or to withdraw socially. It will just eat away at you - DO NOT allow those feelings of 'unworthiness' or of being 'unwanted' or 'unneeded' to creep in! Reject these feelings immediately!
Hold on to faith, and trust in yourself. These times will come to pass.
Hope has not left you!!! You need to understand one important fact. All of this is happening to lead you toward a life filled with purpose.
These relationships and jobs were draining you of every ounce of energy you possess. You need to let go of the past, as well as the people, accept the fact that these situations were not helping you make progress. Your guides are showing you there is something better waiting for you.
This is a time of endings for you. You are living in your 8 personal year, and at this time of year, leading up to the 9th personal year, is showing you that a new future awaits. These situations have been keeping you mired in negativity, and you need to look forward instead of backwards.
Remember the story of the wife of Lot? She looked back and was turned into a pillar of salt. Do not allow yourself to become victimized by looking backwards in longing for what no longer exists. Trust that you are being led to greater fulfillment and a happier life.
you made my day...wait, my year!
cool, cool, cool!
i am digesting your words and feel so much better already.
i will let go, not loko back, and keep marching forward with great excitement!
thanxxxxxxxxxx soooooooooo much firefly..:)
you all have been so wonderful....actually, you saved my life
"thank you" seems hardly fitting....
im at a loss for words.
Next year, I would like to see you focus on helping others to a MUCH greater extent. In this way, the negativity will lessen much faster. You will gain a sense of greater self-confidence, a boost in your self-esteem by the simple act of putting yourself in second place. This next year will contain the seeds of a new beginning that will begin to see towards the latter part of the year, and when it begins, you will see a new pattern emerging.
This stronger self will find she is much stronger than she once believed. I realize you do not see how it could change, but I assure you it will. Concentrate your purpose in life to help others. Then, you will understand and greater compassion toward those who have suffered similar situations that you have and you will be able to offer support. Doing this will free you from the past.
In so doing, gradually, you will see a huge improvement all the way around with everyone you know. I wish you everlasting happiness.
Hi Laylo, I am new to chatting so I apologise in advance if things go a bit wrong. I was sad to read your comments. I don't know what your beliefs are, but some peoples lives are getting a bit tough at the moment, there is a lot of change going on in the world. I always have people coming to me for help, I don't have much to give, but I can say this. You won't believe this at the moment, but there is a rainbow around the corner. You set yourself all these challenges before you came into this life, I know it seems tough now, but hang in there because in this hard world today sometimes people see kindness as weakness, but you are a beautiful soul and you shouldn't change even though it has made your life hard. When your sons are older they might understand more than they do at the moment, as you cannot hide the truth and they will come back to you. Imagine a rainbow and you will get one. Love and Light
Hi my wonderful friends,
Update: My oldest son's birthday was the other day.
Normally, all my efforts are ignored, but this year he replied to a text message i sent him!!!
May not sound like much to many of you, but he said "thank you" to me for my birthday wishes.
Hey, its a start, and its something!!!!
Hope all of you are happy and well,
I am really feeling for you and totally understand where you are coming from.
I too, have been battling my ex and fighting for my children since I left him 2 years ago. I had hoped that my ex would move on after the divorce, but he didn't. Firstly let me tell you, I'm not sure where you are, but I'm in Australia where the new custody laws are about shared care between parents. The days of courts automatically awarding mothers custody of their children have gone. My ex was never going to let me take the children and being a child of divorce myself I thought the best thing I could do for the children was to not have things turn into a sh*t fight, to make it easier on them. I thought that we would sort things out fairly between us for the good of the children, but I was wrong and seriously underestimated how dirty my ex would play. My fault for being naive.
Now I see my 9 year old daughter 6 nights a fortnight (a long battle to get there) and my 14 year old son refuses to speak to me. My ex has done his best to turn the children against me and fed them lies and manipulated them basically to spite me. He knows that he has nothing else over me, the only thing that upsets me is anything to do with my children who I love with all my heart. Honestly, I just keep faith and hope that one day the children will understand and know the truth and I truly believe that they will. We can only let the children know how much we love them and continue to love them in spite of everything going on. The fact that your son responded to your birthday message is a really good sign, just hang in there. I know it doesn't help you or me much in the meantime, but we have to keep our heads held high and not bite into the games.
I too went through a really dark time in the first half of last year, I lost my job, close friendships and my ex constantly harassed me via text messages and phone calls. He attacked me mentally and emotionally and he nearly pushed me over the edge, but you can't let them win. I got to a point where I wanted to get in my car and drive it into a pole, I'd had enough and was so low that I couldn't see past all the negativity in my life. He nearly succeeded in making me think I was truly losing the plot, all because his ego was hurting. I ruined his life, I left him, and I belonged there with him as his wife and even now he wants me to crawl over broken glass, beg for his forgiveness, then he'll take me back. Best thing I ever did leaving him, I can't begin to tell you how toxic/suffocting/controlling things were with him.
I want you to know that it does get better. You have to concentrate on YOU, healing yourself. I read and read and read on the internet everything to do with spirituality and positive thinking and personal growth etc etc etc. A friend also reminded me about the Serenity Prayer
"God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference."
There is a lot in the situation you can't change, but you can change how you react to it. Take back your power, look after yourself first, take care of you and your soul first and then in time all the other things will work out, they will sort themselves out and fall into place. Keep doing the right thing as you have been, then you know you have your dignity - that you have always done the right thing and done the best that you could do at the time. We have to keep faith that all happens for a reason and trust the right outcome will eventuate. And boy do I believe in karma! These men will have to deal with their consequences as some point in the future, if not in this lifetime, then in the next.
One thing we need to do at some point (and believe me I'm not quite there yet, but working on it!) is that we need to forgive these men for everything they have put us through. No I am not crazy.....the forgiveness is not for them, it is for us. We need to forgive them so we can move on. Stop the negative energy and stop them feeding off our energy.
I know it's not always easy and I'm still learning but things are a lot better and I am in a much better place than i was 12 moths ago. Remember to love yourself and remind yourself that you are a beautiful human being, a good person and you deserve happiness and a good life. Your time will come soon and one day you will look back at this time as another learning curve in life, and a period of intense growth for you.
I wish you all the best on your journey.
Take care of yourself Laylo
Laylo68 - I thought all was well for you and I hadn't checked back on this topic until today - I was so sorry to hear of your additional worries and displacement in the home you shared with your brother, caring for him and your nephew. But it sounds like things have turned a corner with your oldest son - I'm so very glad for you. Small steps are hard - especially when things seem so immediate and unfair. I wish you the best - and continued success with your relationship with your children - your consistent presence in their lives - whether they respond to you immediately or not - will speak more clearly about your love for them than anything your ex may say about you or has said about you and your past situation.
Wishing you the best!
I feel your pain, what drew me to your story was that we are both Capricorn and I can go toe to toe with you on the heart break. I too count my blessings everyday, some days I have to force my self. I work on remembering that I am never given more then I can handle and everything happens for a reason. As for your kids, I can only share what happened to me. I would call them every other day, talk to them; ask about there day, homework, and sports. Never asked about their Dad, never said "I'm sorry", or cried. Tried to stay positive and up beat and would say "I'd love to see you when you're ready". I was patient, and it paid off. They called me, they wanted to see me, they found out, on their own, I am o.k., and they know I love them.
Bente stroker was right. In the end you're husband will get what he gave. It might take awhile but with age comes wisdom, you're sons will see and realize the truth but they will have to see it for themselves. My oldest son is 19 now. Has no common sense but is very intellegent (surprisingly) Drives me nuts. He started a bunch of stupid stuff and because all the officials are STUPID, they took all the kids away for a year and never helped the boy who stated he lied.They ended up giving him back to me because they didn't know what to do with him. When he turned 18, I kicked him out and put a DVI on him. He recently went to jail for a month and (part of probation) he can't have ANY contact with me for a year. He needs to be on meds buit refuses to take them yet he shoots up steroids. Anyway, now I am having problems with my daughter. She wasn't like she is now before they took all my kids. I tried for 17 years to get help for my oldest and nobody helped. We moved here and it got worse. They wiped his butt and I got all the consequences. He is still learning (that was my motive lol) My daughter is only 10 and I am facing jailtime due to her not going to school. And, to top it off, she doesn't care. Very disrespectful to me. She saw her older brother do and got away with everything, she said hell, I'll do it to and she knows legally what I can do to her so threats don't work but I did tell her, that if I go to jail, I will beat her ass. At least I will go to jail for something I did and not because of you. I think she knows I mean it. If I go to jail, I will lose the little I have left. It will be worthi it cause she needs it and nobody will ever love her as much as I do and tolerate her as much as I have. Foster homes scare me. Too much (and cvonstant) bad news. Anyway, what I am trying to say is, that I did alot of stupid shit and of course I was lied to as a child but as I got older, I started seeing (not so much listening) and one day, they will come to you. Don't bother them (even if everything you are saying is true) because they will end up hating you because of it. Everything comes out in the wash. One way or the other., I have 3 children. All AD/HD and bi-polar and I had to raise all 3 by myself. (4 when my daughters father came around) My oldest son will tell you what a bad mother I am and this, that, and the other but always comes back to me because he knows the truth. That I really love him. I have never hit him but he has told all kinds of stuff since he was 8. (I still think then, I should have taken out just 1 kneecap. lol would not have had any of this) They say that everything happens for a reason. May really suck for us but we really don't know what it is and have to let it be and let the pieces lie where they may. Never know, the end might be totally wonderful for you. I am only 38. I broke my back when I was 24 and my vertigo handles the rest. I am on dissability now. I sometimes can't do stuff and need some help but no one ever helps. I have always done stuff for everyone else because I enjoy it . I never asked for anything in return but now I am and there is no one. I have no friends, no family, and my daughter treats me like absolute crap. My house is a total disaster, but I can't do it by myself (at least in the beginning.) I get overwhelmed. I am on SSI now and can't work so I end up half the time, sitting in my house alone, depressed, and very overwhelmed. I have all these plans but let's see how far I go. I will still have to do everything by myself. I have alot of dogs cause they show me unconditional love. I am a nuterer. I have always taken care of everyone else and never myself. Now I need to take care of me and I can't. Don't know how. I plan on going back to school for me but may help my kids too. My oldest cause he can go with me to school. (for a different degree) my daughter, cause she will see me going and I will put all my papers on the fridge and she says, she will put hers on their too. (which is good) It sounds good. Will work for everybodyif we stay working together. We are all sesative to spirits and I have at least 2 here. My daughter gets scared and wants me to put protection on her when she goes to bed but is very calm when she has or tells about her experiences. She is only 10 so I understand her being afraid but I was more afraid of my experiences when I was her age than she seems to be. I have been having exp. since I was 8. They were babies so they already grew up w/ it and should be used to it. Everybodies exp. are different. So it is hard to help w/ hers when mine are different.