The End of the Line
I posted here not too long ago asking for help, but although I got a few responses, didn’t get anything helpful. I don’t know if it’s because I didn’t give enough information or if it’s because there simply isn’t any help available, but in case it’s the former, I thought I would go into more detail.
Ever since I was a child, I have questioned why I exist. I grew up lonely and isolated and felt out of place in the world. On the one hand I felt like it wouldn’t matter if I simply ceased to exist. On the other hand, I felt convinced that I was here to accomplish something important. I told myself that if I just stuck it out long enough, then I would eventually figure out why I was here, that I would find a reason to keep going, and that things would then get better. I happily followed my instincts, even when they led me to question conventional teachings of my upbringing and explore other paths, and change academic directions, and move across the country to go to school. I did everything because I just knew it was what I was supposed to be doing, because I knew I was being led in that direction, because I trusted that I was being guided by something Higher.
As an adult, in the course of my spiritual and meditative pursuits, I was confronted with the idea that my belief that I was destined to accomplish something and my “knowledge” that I was supposed to go in a certain direction were simply the result of my desire to “fit it” or to “be important”—the things I felt I wasn’t as a child. I was faced with the notion that all of the beliefs I had were simply projections of my own mind in an effort to give myself a sense of hope and to avoid considering the possibility that this mediocre miserable life I’ve led might really be all there is.
I asked and prayed and begged for some reason to think that my original hopes and beliefs were rooted in something true, but was never given any reason, not even so much as a shred, to think that my hope and belief that things would get better were anything more than just my own wishful thinking. No shred of reason to think that there was anything more than this mediocre and miserable life.
So now here I am, without any hope or faith or belief left. I cannot continue to believe things will get better or that I have some purpose, without some reason to believe—and I simply don’t have a reason anymore. Everyone keeps telling me that I just need to pray more, or think positive, or just wait a little longer, or just have faith, or blah, blah, blah. But the simple fact is, I’m no longer willing to wait around anymore. I’m not willing to take the risk that I might go another 30 years, or 60 years, or the rest of my life and still end up without anything. And, I know, maybe I might find something if I wait and look long enough—but that mere possibility just isn’t enough anymore. I no longer have an incentive to wait around anymore.
So I guess what I’m looking for is a reason for my existence (my individual existence, not human existence in general) and why I should continue existing. If there are any members here who read Tarot, or are psychic, or have any sort of gift that enables them to give me a reason, I’m at the point, if not past the point, of needing one. I will be honest, I really don’t know what it would take or what kind of reason I need that would be convincing or seem worth it to me, but I figured I would ask anyway. I do know it’s going to take more than the same old tired lines I’ve heard already.
Hi--My impression is that you have been struggling with this yourself. I don't think that you have connected with or made the right connections. I think you are indeed isolated. I get the impression that at one point you were considering a religious vocation. Did you ever make any contacts in that regard. Right now, everything seems to be on a downturn (economy etc.) Start talking immediately with a counselor. You didn't go into specifics but if I'm reading between the lines correctly, it's economic as well as spiritual. I can tell you what I believe is our human condition. We are all interdependent. In other words, we need each other. The fact that you posted here is proof of that. What I want you to do is make a list of what you enjoy and then follow through. I'm sorry for any setbacks you are experiencing. I don't want to sound mediocre, either. If you feel inclined to help (and we all seek this) seek a religious vocation. I just think that your not pursuing what would actually make you happy. Maybe doing what other people want instead of what you want. Sometimes following the right path is lonely. Believe me, I am alone a lot. I don't doubt for one minute that God exists because I have seen evidence that he does. I have had a ton of terribe things happen to me but I'll be ok. Had my life almost taken from me at one point. Understand that you are not alone, even when alone. You'll be ok because I'm praying for you. Remember to talk often, it helps.
SOMEWHERE IN THAT MISERABLE MEDI0CRE LIFE ,YOU MAY HAVE TOUCHED ONE SOUL. DO YOU REALLY THINK YOU HOLD THE HONOR OF BEING THE ONLY ONE TO ASK WHAT IT'S ALL ABOUT. MY FELLOW WANDERER ,THERE ARE ALOT OF US. FROM THE OTHER SIDE OF THE TRACK, I HAVE NEVER ACCOMPLISHED ANYTHING SPECTACULAR, EARTH SHAKING, OR NEWS WORTHY, BUT I TRY TO KEEP THE INQUISITIVE MIND, THE INNER "GUT FEELINGS" AND THE KNACK FOR "KNOWING PEOPLE LIKE A BOOK", ALIVE AND WELL. I HAVE BEEN IN DISPAIR SO DEEP I DIDN'T THINK THE SUN EXSISTED ANYMORE. I AM HERE AND I AM FREE, AND I AM WAITING FOR MY DESTINY, AND ALONG THE WAY I WILL MEET PEOPLE LIKE YOU AND LEARN FROM IT. PEACE TO YOUR SOUL