The End of the Line
I posted here not too long ago asking for help, but although I got a few responses, didn’t get anything helpful. I don’t know if it’s because I didn’t give enough information or if it’s because there simply isn’t any help available, but in case it’s the former, I thought I would go into more detail.
Ever since I was a child, I have questioned why I exist. I grew up lonely and isolated and felt out of place in the world. On the one hand I felt like it wouldn’t matter if I simply ceased to exist. On the other hand, I felt convinced that I was here to accomplish something important. I told myself that if I just stuck it out long enough, then I would eventually figure out why I was here, that I would find a reason to keep going, and that things would then get better. I happily followed my instincts, even when they led me to question conventional teachings of my upbringing and explore other paths, and change academic directions, and move across the country to go to school. I did everything because I just knew it was what I was supposed to be doing, because I knew I was being led in that direction, because I trusted that I was being guided by something Higher.
As an adult, in the course of my spiritual and meditative pursuits, I was confronted with the idea that my belief that I was destined to accomplish something and my “knowledge” that I was supposed to go in a certain direction were simply the result of my desire to “fit it” or to “be important”—the things I felt I wasn’t as a child. I was faced with the notion that all of the beliefs I had were simply projections of my own mind in an effort to give myself a sense of hope and to avoid considering the possibility that this mediocre miserable life I’ve led might really be all there is.
I asked and prayed and begged for some reason to think that my original hopes and beliefs were rooted in something true, but was never given any reason, not even so much as a shred, to think that my hope and belief that things would get better were anything more than just my own wishful thinking. No shred of reason to think that there was anything more than this mediocre and miserable life.
So now here I am, without any hope or faith or belief left. I cannot continue to believe things will get better or that I have some purpose, without some reason to believe—and I simply don’t have a reason anymore. Everyone keeps telling me that I just need to pray more, or think positive, or just wait a little longer, or just have faith, or blah, blah, blah. But the simple fact is, I’m no longer willing to wait around anymore. I’m not willing to take the risk that I might go another 30 years, or 60 years, or the rest of my life and still end up without anything. And, I know, maybe I might find something if I wait and look long enough—but that mere possibility just isn’t enough anymore. I no longer have an incentive to wait around anymore.
So I guess what I’m looking for is a reason for my existence (my individual existence, not human existence in general) and why I should continue existing. If there are any members here who read Tarot, or are psychic, or have any sort of gift that enables them to give me a reason, I’m at the point, if not past the point, of needing one. I will be honest, I really don’t know what it would take or what kind of reason I need that would be convincing or seem worth it to me, but I figured I would ask anyway. I do know it’s going to take more than the same old tired lines I’ve heard already.
Hi there Annatar!
Your post piqued my interest because you are in EXACTLY the same space as I am at the moment. Your past mirrors mine also; how weird ... I decided to do a Celtic X spread for you, and here's what I came up with (tho' I'll throw in psychic impressions also).
Firstly though, you are in a very sad and empty place right now, but remember: the Universe needs a vacuum so it can fill it, quite simply put. Again, same as me, lucky you Anyhoo, here's the spread:
Before I go on (and on and on and on) are you a Taurus? I get that you are, or at least as the amount of Pentacles in this reading may signify, a Virgo or Capricorn.
4 Pentacles - in your case I feel this signifies that you're in a rut at the moment - are you too worried about making money out of what you love in order for it to be of importance? Or can you make money doing what you love? Think about that and go from there.
7 Pentacles - I'm getting that you're a very talented lady, but interestingly, in the fields of money. You are a fine budgeter; know how to make money stretch and can help others to achieve the same. What I get here is: you are talented at how to make the most out of little when it comes to money. So don't hide what you're good at anymore - go for it. Maybe take a job as a receptionist or admin person in an accounting firm, or even a job in a bank and things may grow from there.
8 Swords - The actual meaning of this card I feel applies directly to you at the moment: you feel trapped in a dark void and can't see a way out. Remember the old saying, "this too shall pass" because it will. You need to step back from your situation and look at it a bit more objectively. Distract yourself in simpler terms and the light at the end of the tunnel just might peek thru for you. Meditate more centering on your heart chakra and throat chakra - more expression is needed here.
6 Pentacles - There could be a gift of money coming, or you may receive something which will be of great value to you. I'm getting that it could be news which may light the way for you. Whatever it is though, it will be reasonably subtle (in other words not something earth shattering) so you need to recognise it when it comes and again, make the most of it by viewing it on a more positive note. Not easy to do, but that's the message I get here.
9 Pentacles - The main meaning of this I don't think applies directly to you. But I do get a house move and that this move - although seemingly impossible and not something you've thought of - is necessary and coming soon. Please don't dig your trench deeper than it is at the moment. You need to move away from where you are in order to bring the new in. I see this move, or at least the chance to, coming around Oct/Nov.
The Sun - All will be well. I get a sense of relief after a difficult period and maybe even consideration of moving to another country (pretty much the meaning of the card). Somewhere tropical could be on the cards. You might travel somewhere briefly, fall in love with it and decide to stay. I get that you need warmth around you and that you thrive in places of warmer temperatures.
7 Wands - Study or further learning of some sort is coming up for you. You might not feel adequate to do what you want to at the moment, but more learning will prepare you, so that you do feel up to the task. Others who may put you down or seem to be so much more successful than you are simply those who have pushed themselves forward rather than stay in the background. I'm getting jealousy as well; someone you thought was a true friend is showing their true colours and you feel left behind by them. Let 'em go; they are not part of this new phase of your life which is coming up.
9 Swords - Worries hanging over you which are dragging you down. Things seem much worse than they are and your fears are holding you back. There's two sayings here which I'll quote as I think they apply directly to you: 1. There's nothing to fear but fear itself and 2. Feel the fear, but do it anyway.
8 Pentacles - Again, your talents and skills are not being given full acknowledgement or use by you. Stop worrying about making truckloads of money, but rather, if you have to remain in or take on a job that you don't like much in order to make money then do so - this will give you a financial foundation to make more of your creative passions and in time, you will make money from them. Have faith in what you can do: that's the big message I get here.
King of Cups - Someone is moving into your life who will be older than you and in a position of some authority. He is a gentle and kind person, who loves people and is very good at pointing out their strengths. This could be someone you already know, but not very well at the moment. I'm getting dark hair here and a BIG, BIG smile that lights up a room. Gee, I wish I could meet someone like that!!!
Overall, my main message to you is you need to move out of your comfort zone. Shake off other peoples' expectations of you also. I feel that is your biggest stumbling block - you worry a lot about what people think. But remember: this is YOUR life not theirs, and when we undergo changes like this, we find out who are real friends are at the end of it. Also, you are not responsible for other people's happiness or comfort - they are. You are drained by constantly trying to keep the balance between those in your life and have forgotten yourself.
My ending message is this: spend time thinking about what makes you happy. Take some time off if you can and use that space to to do this. You need more self-love and you will only find that by putting other people second for a change. Not that you have to be mean spirited or anything, but you need to start saying no to demands on your time and giving personality. It's your time to heal yourself.
Oh and by the way, buy yourself a dog if you don't already have one. I think you need a little pet to keep you company and love you unconditionally. Make sure it's a puppy tho' - you'll love cleaning up its messes and watching it grow in the middle of 'em!!
One more thing: Don't be afraid of tears and sadness. Tears are, after all, liquid love.
GOOD LUCK and I hope this has been of some help. Jaysus, it may even help me some, considering how similar our past and current stories are!!! xoxoxoxoxoxoxo
As children I think we are more connected with the spiritual world than we are as adults.
As a child you knew without a doubt that you were destined for greatness. As you lived life and accumulated experiences, you let the world seep into your mind. Making you question and even doubt your purpose. Convincing you that what you absolutely knew as a child, was a lie.
I think your prayers were answered, and you just didn't accept the answers. You were told to hold on, have faith, stay positive, reconnect with the spirit inside of you and pray some more. It was sent to you in various ways by lots of different people. Since you were looking for something more specific, and you were looking for something to happen now, you didn't accept those answers.
Now negativity is seeping into your mind, festering in your soul and fulfilling its purpose. Which is to keep you from becoming great.
This is just an obstacle that you have to overcome, in order to achieve that destiny, that you know is yours. Your questioning, your lack of hope, and disbelief are all obstacles, that you need to move out of your path first.
Yes, you are destined for something important, but you are not fully prepared for it yet. Instead of searching for the meaning of your existence; make your existence have meaning. Use this time for personal growth, to concentrate on helping others, to learn, to travel, to experience life in its fullest.
And greatness has been set aside for you, but this is your time to show that you actually deserve it. Why should it just be handed to you? Why should it just be handed to someone who questions the validity of that destiny, who doesn't believe in that destiny, who is ready to quit when the road seems blocked, and who believes that this life is mediocre?
Many important people found their paths later in life, and overcame many obstacles to show that they were worthy of their destinies.
Annatar, send me a message. I know exactly what you need to do.
I'm not sure if I can send you an e-mail or something on here. If you find out how, please let me know. I'm new to this forum, not sure if I can send email by clicking on your ID ?
Dear Annatar, My only advise to you is that each and every day we wake up and decide if we will spend the day in a negative or positive way, The past is the past. We all need to live for the now and let go of the bad energy of the past. Learn to love yourself and to nuture your inner child. I have been reading a excellent book called "The Way is Within" by Ron Rathbun. There are so many simple truths in this book and it starts with him asking " Is this all there is?" I think this would be very helpful to you in you time of sadness. May God Bless you and keep you safe until you are ready to do this for yourself!!!! I don't know you but I do Love you...Much love, Nancy
Okay lets cut to the chase here...You feel like you have been left behind, you are disappointed and find it extremely difficult to believe that you still have a chance at greatness, but, if you research all the great minds, leaders, and important people in the history of the world you will see they also felt the same way you feel now. I know you don't want to hear that, but, it is your reality. Embrace the uncertainty, hold it close to your heart for it is a stepping stone to where you are going. I don't know your age, but I am guessing you are in your early 30's. I am 49 and did not find my purpose untli I was 45. When it came into light it was like, wow!, I never expected this, how cool. You need to believe in miracles, they happen everyday all around us, and a miracle will set you free from this negative state of mind you are caught in.
I hope this helps...
Annatar, I responded to one of your earlier posts. Perhaps we didn't make a connection at that time. Perhaps we might now.
I have been through exactly what you are talking about and know well what you're seeking. You are seeking self-realization. Your dissapointments stem from looking outside your self for your answers. To be unable to answer the question, Who Am I? is a WONDERFUL space to be.
It means you have achieved a point in your growth that no longer recognizes the 3D world as the real world. It means that you are at the beginning stage of recognizing your One-self-hood. This is a place for celebration!!!
If you would like to discuss this in more depth, please find the Circle of Gold thread in the Divination forum.
Blessings on your journey,
in love and light love and light love and light
leoscorpion: I don't see a way to pm or message on here
yeah I can see that now. sorry for the confusion.
anyway, I have a few books I recommend you to read. I'm not getting commission for any of these books and I don't sell them either. they are affordable and can be bought from ebay.
Try Heal the Toxic Thoughts and Soul Retrieval by Sandra Ingerman.
she wrote a lot of books but these two are the ones you should try first.
I would recommend them and stand by them for anyone experiencing what you experience or not. Annatar, try to get these books and after reading it, please let us know how you feel. I'm sure you will feel a change.
I was in the same situation you are in. I got these books 2 months ago and I wish I have gotten them sooner. Don't wait anymore. It's worth spending and you don't have to be in certain religion or belief to benefit from it. I myself am pretty much scattered belief-wise LOL
Get these books, you will see what I mean. I'm not a liar, maybe a bit too excited sometimes LOL but I won't recommend anything that has not helped me. bye now and take care.