Gemini and Scorpio
I am a Scorpio woman ( 26 years old) my Bf is a Gemini man (27 years old). We have been together for almost six years and have been good friends for almost 10 years. We have been through challenge after challenge. Losing almost everything, major medical problems (I have 3 rare conditions that have no cure and can be fatal) back stabbing friends and huge personal differences. All of which we have worked through. In the beginign of our relationship I was very intense with love and support while he was what the call an "imature Gemini" he would take advantage of me. I would literally do everything from fixing our financials, fixing his credit, planning our life, figuring out where we were going to live, making a career so we could work towards retirement etc., I basically have been running both of our lives for years.. He would let his bum friends live with us that would always screw us over financially and never gave a damn about us, he would drink excessively, spend excessive amounts of money, treat me like crap and turn it so he won every agrument, lie, and basically just sit back and watch me do everything.. But some how every time I confronted him he was able to turn the tables so I was the wrong one.. about two years ago I started standing up for myself and he changed his life style dramatically. His style for approching agruments has always been talking it out rationally until he decided he no longer wanted to talk about it and then yelling- literally putting me in tears and borderline mentally abbusive. It wasn't until this past year that he finally admitted that his yelling was wrong and that even he wouldn't have stayed in the relationship through the times that he was such a rude person.. that he truly has changed.. Alot of these factors have changed and I know deep down he truly loves me but I don't understand how he processes things and thinks and im still puzzled. I'm wondering if fellow gemini people can help me.
I want to start this off by saying it has not been all bad. He has been very supportive of all of my health challenges. He is trying to get more involved in planning things and doing the administrative things that are required to fix his situation, he is a lot better at following a budget, when we are together we have a blast, he has been there through all of my challenges in life ( he always gets distant and sometimes obnioxious when challenges occur but he is always there). We have overall a very good relationship besides when we argue. I am very rational person and I can look at arguments from multiple perspectives and try to communicate rationally but when ever he is done talking about things he starts raising his voice and getting snappy. I either have to end the discussion or it turns into an argument because I wanted to continue talking about it and working through things. Our arguments always start over something very stupid and minimal, but during the conversation he can say 3 contraditing offensive things in one sentence and then in the same breath say that he is trying to end the conversation and isn't the one who wants to start an argument.
For example.. now this is how stupid they get.
I was having digestive issues over the past week. I did a lot of research of holistic ways to calm down my stomach ( he has always been a health nut and researching alot over the past 3 years). I researched something holistic that would help. I did said thing and after I did it he drastically disaproved and kept telling me I was "doing it wrong". I went to him and asked him what he was talking about and he kept telling me what I was doing was wrong and how much he researched things. I told him yes he researched things but not this particular thing. He immediately got defensive and said " oh so I don't research anything and don't know what I'm talking about then?" Then I continued to say, no thats not what I meant but he hadn't researched this particular holistic care. He continued to argue and got defensive saying that I was belittling his research. I continued to clarify and got annoyed that he continued to argue about ti and turn the table to him being the victim and putting words in my mouth like normal. the conversation ended then I asked him in about 20 minutes why he was so agervated about this. He then said, I don't apperciate the research he has done health wise and haven't over the years and always dismiss his advice until i read it from somewhere else ( he is upset that he has found holistic treatments before in the past and mentioned them to me through the years and I didn't do any of them and just recently got into the holistic aspect of things) in the same breath he told me that all of a sudden I am trying to do all of these things health wise and its hard to keep up with and that I'm all over the place, then in the same breath tell me that he already ended the conversation and didn't want to talk about it and why am I continuing to ask him to clarify everything when he has given 3 different random reasons that go further back that upset him. I continue to try to clarify what he means by these things since he said he was already over the conversation and had no problems what so ever, he just didn't understand what I was doing but in the same breath said 2 other arguments that he has been upset with for years. I try to clarify it more and he just changes everything he said but he forgets saying them and just argues with me for trying to work through what I see as supressed issues since he has brought up the same argument passive aggressively multiple times. He says insults and then just forgets saying them, then turns the table and just decides hes done with talking about it after he says insults and just expects them to be brushed off. This turned into such a large argument over the past day because he keeps bringing up supressed issues and then spinning them, saying thats not what he means and then wonders why we are still talking about it. My concern is I can normally make him see his hypocracy and we can move on but I recently had brain surgery and my memory and thoughts are as sharp as they use to be so I struggle with remembering every detail enough to keep up with him when he turns the tables and menepalates. Just like all the years of him being extremely rude to me I argued with him and he would always turn the tables to be right but deep down knew he was wrong and somehow I was suppose to know suddenly after arguing with me that inside he determined he was wrong and he realized it but just never told me. Now when I try to explain to him my perspective of what happen he just says "no thats not how it happened" and he paraphrases himself in this calm fashion that makes me sound like I am crazy. I literally dont know what the hell I have to do to make him understand how he acts. Do I have to record him so I have proof of how he acted so he understands and agrees? He just argues for the sake of arguing makes me feel bad and then moves on with himself and it is such a mind game I just can't keep up. Gemini's are just so fast thinking and good at turning tables and debating.. I just dont know if I can mentally keep track any more since I am still a little messed up from the brain surgery..
Thank you and sorry this post is so long
This is not about Gemini/Scorpio but about the mother/child relationship you have with this guy. How much longer will you allow him to behave in such an immature way? You deserve better than his tantrums and nastiness. I don't see much sign of him growing up, maybe because he doesn't have to while you do everything for him. Are you just so afraid to be alone that you would put up with these long years of him abusing and living off you? The only true and right relationship is an equal one.
Sorry I hope it's ok if I pipe in.
Your account sounds similar to an old relationship I had. A lot of 'crazymaking' behavior in that one. There is no winning in these things. You cannot stand on your head enough to make everything right. Continually running on the hamster wheel, trying to keep things in check...it's only an illusion of control. As long as you stay and 'fix' things or try to understand and rationalize, it gives no incentive to the other person to truly work on themselves. I'm sure he has had some growth and there are good points, but try to look at it as a balance.. how much goodness have you received - versus the wearing down on your psyche because of all the negativity? The proportion of heartache vs good moments.
Being around this stuff for a long time will really hurt you - emotionally, physically, mentally, psychologically, etc. And it comes through in what you've written. Captain is right. You deserve better than this. This relationship is hurting you.
If you were my sister, I'd ask you to walk away, for your own safety and well-being.
I stayed with a previous ex for almost 4 years and I was depleted, burnt out and suffering. I was too entrenched to see what the situation was doing to me. I felt like I wanted and needed to stay and I had all kinds of reasons to justify that. This is where the 'good moments' are a bit of a trap - it's intermittent reinforcement....you start to discount all the negative stuff while searching for the positive. I read books, I went to counsellors, I tried to converse with him in ways that wouldn't trigger his behavior... I compromised my own boundaries - and I couldn't even see that.
Everyone could see how badly I was hurting - but me.
Oh btw, I'm a Scorpio too. I get how much you can love someone, and how much you can pride yourself on this...how attached you can feel and how loyal you are. How deeply you feel pain.
It doesn't mean you love him any less if you put yourself first. I got caught in that trap.
In the end, I had to put all of that aside, because it came down to survival. I'm glad I had finally gained enough presence of mind to walk away and save myself.
Even then, my brain was so messed up, that it took a long time to heal and gain perspective on that situation. To see that it wasn't worth it. Yes I had learnt great life lessons. But that amount of grief and damage...can never be justified.
I don't share this story with many. And now it's out there. I see a lot of parallels between your situation and mine, even though the circumstances are different. Please please take care of yourself. You've been through enough.