Captain Please!

  • Hi Captain hope you are doing well. I have asked you about my step-daughter before, but now I need to know more about her and her current actions toward her father. She text a message to him and told him that he couldn't see his grandkids anymore until they were 18, What kind of person uses the kids to punish someone who hasn't even done anything to them. He loves all of his grandkids including his step grandkids who he sees more of because they want to see him.

    Her birthdate is 8-10-80 and her father birthdate is 8-25-62, Any insight would be grateful, thank you!

  • Libra2222, unfortunately the connection between your step-daughter and her father is bound to be struggle-oriented and hurtful. A battle for leadership and authority, whether overt or covert, is the focus of the relationship. Both want to be in the driving seat and neither will be pushed into the passenger seat. Together they could fight against any threatening outside forces, but without such a cause to unite against, they will battle each other simply because it is in their nature to do so. Often a third-person guide or other authority figure will be needed to mediate between them. But what your step-daughter fears is that her father will treat her children as she herself feels she was treated as a child by him - as a parent, he can be rather more dutiful than attentive and his daughter may have felt a bit rejected or bossed around by him. Unfortunately sooner or later, he will want an equal say in the children's upbringing. She wants to be free to raise her kids as she feels is right, without interference - which she would see as criticism. Neither of them are overly trusting people so it will not be easy to reconcile them. The daughter doesn't like to share her problems and concerns as she doesn't want to look weak to others. The father wants to prove his worth as a good father and granddad. They must settle their power issues and develop deeper bonds of trust. Compromise will be necessary - perhaps the third party (you, since you have the diplomatic skills to achieve harmony?) can help here. The father would have to agree to stay out of parenting his grandkids while the daughter would have to trust that he will step back and allow her the freedom to bring up her children the way she sees fit. If he should break his promise however and interfere, it is unlikely he would be given another chance with them. You might appeal to the step-daughter's natural sense of justice and desire to please others, while the father must be convinced he doesn't need to 'manage' or 'direct' his grandkids or be their 'boss' - he should just enjoy them. Try shifting the relationship's focus on vying for control to a more relaxed, trusting and sharing attitude if you can.

  • Unfortunately she doesn't have any contact with me either. So many times we have invited her to family events, but she always finds an excuse not to join us. It is like she wants to be asked but never wants to be around her family. When she was talking to her Dad, she would only text him when she needed something. I am seriously wondering if she really does have a mental issue that either of us doesn't know about. I wish I knew why she has always been so distant from her family members. She also sent a friend request on F/B to all of us, and then she block us. I just don't understand why she does these things. . Anyways, thank you so much, I enjoy talking with you!

  • Can't you both go over to see her and talk this out?

  • Or just you?

  • We live about 2 1/2 hrs apart from each other, I will try and call her and see what happens.

  • Good luck! Remember that this woman has authority and power issues so don't come on too strong or try to tell her what to do.

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