Need some clarity/insight - MistofEmerald or anyone
Was hoping to get some clarity on my situation.
I've been sort of a caregiver to a feline family member for 20 years.
There used to be more help from others, but now I'm the primary caregiver.
I love this person a lot and would do anything for him.
The amount of care required has increased over time and there was a health scare this month too.
I'm so worn out.
I've also not been able to move out of the family home - and away from other family members who are toxic and negative. They do not appreciate or see anything i do - except for my little buddy. This is the only honest relationship in my family - with me and him. I've been his protector - and its been a lonely fight, because the others do not see him with the same empathy. It's so emotionally tiring to stand against them.
Although I have a small ownership in the property, I feel that i will just need to move out eventually and rent a room somewhere - once I can afford to, and only once I am no longer needed as a caregiver. It breaks my heart to think that my freedom hinges upon losing this family member. Because he is my love and light, my little boy and kid brother, all rolled into 1.
There's so much momentum to make changes in my life. I want to change everything about it. To explore different career options and create a path. To travel. To socialize and have time for new hobbies. I also want to finally be able to have love and a stable relationship in my life. And not continue being alone.
My heart is so heavy.
I am not MistofEmerald so I guess I am an anyone...
I just happened to stumble back here for a moment and saw your post. This is a side of your life you never really touched in that much back when we were talking, then it was mostly your dancing and your career a little, and the 'event' with you know who. So this sounds like a side of your life I wasn't aware of at all. My heart goes out to you, I always felt like we had a good connection in our chats. The online world though is sort of abstract, and not always easy to relate back to your real life.
You covered so much there in that last paragraph, 'you want to change everything about it'... hey I hear you, there are probably a lot of us that would love to be able to 'change everything', I wish I could haha... what I liked though is that you started then to list out those areas... first one was to 'explore different career options'... is that the main concern for you? Like do you feel if you get the career options piece figured out and 'create a path' there, that will in turn make these other areas work out more easily (travel, socialize, hobbies and... last but not least I am sure... to have love and a stable relationship.) i guess I am wondering why you placed career path first... and love was last. That I was really interesting to me, any thoughts? I feel like sorting through that a little could help settle out something related to your caregiving situation thing.
Before I answer, is this an actual person or your cat? I ask because I got cat and need to know if that's wrong.
Never mind, just noticed in your first sentence you said "feline" family member!
Ok, so this is what I was guided to share with you...
I had my cat for over 20 years and she was my only reliable companion throughout those years. I loved her more than words can say. She got me through so much in my life. Last year I knew she was declining but did my best to stay in denial. One day my guides shared with me that she was ready to go but holding on for me - because she knew I wasn't ready. That night I cuddled with her and told her it was okay to go if she was suffering...that I would be ok. Her health rapidly declined after that and her suffering was obvious so I did the humane thing and took her to the vet to be euthanized. Hardest thing I've ever done.
That was last June and the following month other things in my life began to change as if by magic. A great job that fit everything I had on my "dream job" list came to me without me having to look, for one. The old saying about endings creating new beginnings...
Have a conversation with your precious little buddy. Let him know it's ok if he needs to go. 20 years is a good, long life for a feline.
I reached out to Mist as she was on the boards when I posted the thread. But I'm glad and thankful you replied
I suppose we all do have things which we don't talk about to others. Important things - which we feel others would not understand.
He's doing much better and actually seems normal, but I do feel something has changed. Maybe on some level, he's been staying for me, for us. I've let him know that he doesn't need to hold on for me, that I'll be ok if he needs to go. I might have told him in the past as well. But I also sense he wants to be be here. That he's happy to be here. And maybe scared to go, as well. It puts me in two minds - of letting go and holding on tighter (to reassure him).
He's had mobility issues for a few years, but when he had a sudden illness in Jan - that's when I saw his true fragility. Overnight, all the routines changed. I'm trying to adapt to his needs, but others just want things to go back to how they were. In fact, they seem to be pulling away just as he needs more care. It is emotionally difficult to handle so much of this alone. And also physically taxing, because I'm caring for my own back injury. I'm exhausted, in pain, and i feel pulled in so many directions - but taking it a day at a time, and trying to manage. My physical therapist even asked me yesterday to consider getting some bloodwork to rule out illnesses - because the pain/inflammatory response I'm describing is incongruent with the progress he's observing. I wish I could tell him what I'm going through, but I can't...not without totally breaking down.
It's not that love and relationships are not important - but yes it feels a bit more important to me to have purpose, freedom and to live a full life. I do feel that if I sort out my career/finances, health/fitness - that everything thing else will sort itself out. It feels like it's my time for a new path, and I feel the momentum of exploration and change but then I also feel the weight of the world on my shoulders... I've always considered it my privilege to care for my little friend. I'm trying to do my best for him now while I still can. But it's like I'm living off adrenaline to manage my emotions and responsibilities. i'm scared to lose him everyday, and its hard seeing him struggle. I don't know what I'm supposed to do.
I wish that when he is ready, he will just go peacefully, on his own terms, without any pain or suffering. I hope that is not too much to hope for...Euthanasia is not allowed at his regular pet clinic and I hope we don't have to consider that. I'm not sure how I would ever recover from that.