Need some advice.

  • Need some advice.

    Left my job 5 months ago, to take care of a loved one at home. Always intended to find a home-based, part time position - but I haven't found it. These type of jobs nearly do not exist. It's worrying as I'm bearing a majority of costs related to caregiving and my savings won't last long. Also physically, mentally and psychologically depleted because I've had to give up everything in my life over 2 years, and I can't care for myself the way I need and want to.

    I recently revealed my job woes to an aunt (father's sis) in a moment of despair - thought we aren't close. She offered to send some money to tide me over in the interim. Now I had borrowed from her in the past, and had been unable to pay it off, due to unstable employment/financial issues. I had to write it off for my own sake, but I have never forgotten. So I feel adverse to accepting help from her. Especially since I intend to eventually move out and leave this family and their issues. She doesn't know just how much I've sacrificed for them and how I cannot do so anymore. For me to accept her help and then 'abandon' the family would be a betrayal. I cannot do that to her in good conscience, even though I need the $. These care-giving woes shouldn't be mine to bear alone. I've voiced my concerns repeatedly, but those involved are either unwilling to do more or are indisposed and can't.

    I really need to know that I can manage on my own, even with seemingly impossible odds. It is the empowerment I need in an otherwise disempowering situation.

    Will I get a suitable job soon? Any other advice is welcome too. Thanks.

  • Does the government give people like you who are taking care of someone invalid a pension?

  • Hi Captain,

    There's no such provision here.

    Both my folks have been in and out of the hospital and outpatient care. There's no financial support available to offset the loss in income from all 3 of us.

    However, my main patient is of the feline variety and I'm his full-time caregiver. I want to provide support until he is ready to move on. He's getting there and it could be be soon-ish or still take a while. My parent's medical issues are compounded on top of this.

    I've already declined my aunt's offer - but said I would revisit if I'm unable to find work soon. I suspect that part of the reason is that I do not wish to hold the fort anymore and as a result, I don't want a false safety net that allows me to perpetuate my efforts. Especially one that comes w integrity implications for me.

    There are ideological differences. My sis strongly believes in trying to manifest a peaceful passing for him, where we don't have to intervene (i.e continue caregiving till the end). I want that too, but the practical difficulties are outrunning the ideals. The sad bit is that my cat is suffering despite our efforts (even though I can tell he's not quite ready to go). To me, once your efforts cannot keep up with alleviation of suffering, it's time to consider intervention. It is a deal-breaker for me. She is so focused on the ideal ending and what's best for him, that she's choosing to ignore the repercussions on everyone else. She also cannot fully comprehend that this situation has caused me to repeatedly turn away from opportunities and paths which offer well-being and a way forward for years. I told her this whole thing is killing me and my well-being matters, but she's trivializing it.

    I kept your 2017 reading close to heart, and have seen the themes of letting go play out a lot.

    I have done as much as I can to do just that, in many ways, even ideological attachments. I feel that there will be quantum leap of personal growth once I can lay down the yoke (and move past the grief). But my sis is directly opposing my effort to liberate myself. I do not know anymore if it is meant to be this way (and things will play out correctly), or if she is forcing her ideologies onto me against my interests. It sure feels like the latter.

    On a another note, may I have a yearly reading for 2018?

  • Is it that your cat is not ready to go or that you are not ready to let him go? You have said he is suffering - perhaps he is only holding on because he senses you cannot let go.

  • 2018 for you is a new beginning, a whole new chapter of your life. And you need to approach it this way. Put old ways, attitudes and past failures or disappointments behind you now and start afresh with a clean slate. The year ahead will challenge you to step out of your comfort zone, and new opportunities - particularly related to career, social life, and creativity - will emerge. You may at times feel called to stand on your own this year, and your creativity and inventiveness will be at their peak. It can be a somewhat lonely year with the feeling that a lot rests on your shoulders and only you can get it done - without help from others. But you must believe you can succeed and begin over this year, no matter what the last few years have been like. 2018 is going to be devoted to achievement in the material world and reaching your goals through organization, creativity, and endurance. Get ready for a high-intensity year. Watch, however, for impulsiveness and rash emotionally-driven decision making in 2018. Don’t waste it with frivolous activities or useless relationships. This is a year of action and a time to follow opportunities that will come your way. You will likely feel a sense of renewed energy at this time. It is OK to be a little selfish in 2018. Take time for introspection, as it will add to your clarity and sense of direction. This is definitely a time to have courage, make plans, and avoid indecision. It is a time of work, as you are laying new foundations, and opening up to new opportunities. Avoid being impulsive or headstrong as I said, yet be willing to change for the sake of your own personal progress and happiness. This is an auspicious time to begin new relationships and make new connections for personal or business reasons. The seeds you plant now, you will reap later. Others might find you less sociable, as you will be busier than ever and you will tend to focus on your activities and your needs. Still, you will still be outgoing and your initiative will be stronger than ever now. Advice - stand alone, take action, start fresh, and express your independence. Next year will be an ‘Us’ year as opposed to this year of ‘just you’. 2019 will focus on relationships of all kinds.

    So this year is a time for new beginnings, and you may see this reflected in any or every area of your life; a new haircut or makeover, an exciting new job offer or promotion, a new relationship, new commitments, a new home or a brand-new health regime – anything is possible. Perhaps life will offer you a complete change of life, with the chance to walk down a new path, or purposefully head off in a different direction. This year your attitude towards life can radically shift so that everything appears new and fresh. In 2018, you may feel inexplicably excited. This is because a whole new cycle lies ahead and you are right at the beginning of it. In order to make the most of these new opportunities, there might be a period of decay where situations seem to break down and get worse for a while; this is a ‘healing crisis’ where all the muck needs to come out in order to cleanse and clear, so you can be left glowing and healthier. Endurance is needed. Perhaps you may also experience a temporary loss of direction, as your subconscious is processing where and what you need to do next. During this period, you may feel particularly influenced to follow others in their direction, particularly if they are strong characters, but be very honest with yourself about your needs before you take any action. For example, perhaps your partner wants you both to move house immediately, but you don’t, so you need to speak up and, if appropriate, arrive at a happy compromise. There is a saying, ‘he/she who dares wins’, and this year putting yourself out there and getting more deeply involved with life can be both fruitful and fulfilling. Complacency may set in if you set unrealistic goals which, like New Year’s resolutions, suddenly fly out of the window with the first breeze. A positive mind will help you glide through any challenges that stop you attaining your goals, and it will probably be only you who creates major obstacles in the way of your success during this year. 2018 will see you working with issues around your independence; whether this is financial or material, or wanting emotional detachment, you will find out. Perhaps you are too fiercely independent already and need to learn to reach out and join in with a partner, family or friends. However, the year is asking you to step forward on your own and for yourself, so that you can grow stronger and be strong for others. There may be issues around self-worth this year, and embarking upon a personal development course, consulting a life coach or reading self-help books can give you some guidance about how to resolve these. It’s a great time for intellectual development, and you may also be drawn to discover more about matters of the mind and soul.

    The key words for you in 2018 are: new beginnings, initiatives, decisions and individuality.

  • Danceaur you have gotten so many readings and excellent advice yet nothing changes. I know your suffering is real. I so pray YOU allow yourself to be happy. You are only trapped in your mind. Please put your cat to sleep. No, it is never easy. Doing the right thing often is not easy. You can not escape being a victim without taking action. You think too much.....stagnation sets in and you are too passive. Change is your escape. BLESSINGS!

  • Hi Captain,

    Thanks for the reading. It resonates with the energetic trajectory I feel.

    In answer to your question, I moved through a lot of the fear I had over letting go. And I have told him on more than 1 occasion that he can go when he's ready, as we will be ok. Because I really believe that. Although I know there will be profound sadness, all I want is peace for him. He has done exemplary work and we have been so blessed. We will still be blessed when he is free. And I want to be able to move forward too. He is the only link that is holding me to the family. I'm sure he can feel that despite my love for him, I too want to be free. There are moments where I can clearly see brightness and zen and him being his normal 'cat self' in spite of his difficulties. But his mobility and other issues are becoming worse and I know he's suffering both from pain and frustration of loss of independence. I feel he may be working through his own issues of moving on and of attachment to us.

    I think my sis is afraid of having contradictory energy, and that's why she refuses to entertain my plea to enact boundaries around the caregiving, and specifically as it regards to euthanasia. She feels it is unnatural and that it will traumatize all of us. I'm not discounting her position. But it bothers me is that she also has spiritual people she consults with on this situation, and it has bolstered her belief that her way is the right one. I'm also uncomfortable with what they may have told her about him, eg karma, afterlife, rebirth etc. I imagine there are a lot of concepts which are very black and white for them.

    In my observation, she has always leaned towards a willingness to manipulate or put others in harm's way in order to achieve her goals. Even if they are borne of good intentions. And she's doing that now. A lot of compartmentalizing going on. The road to hell is paved with good intentions... I've told her how much this situation is damaging me and instead of realizing we need to make plans to cease the struggle, she's encouraging me to keep on the fight. Which means she is asking me to move away from my own well-being. It's that kind of madness. I found out she's been going to my room, and I suspect she's doing some prayers or charm work. Not sure what for - possibly to ease my restless mind? - but it's without my consent.

  • Hi Blmoon,

    You're back!

    I have broached the subject of intervention many times. I cannot take action unilaterally. And I cannot seem to convince my sis that this is a viable option for a peaceful passing. And to allow space for the solution to take a different form, than what she wants. Previously we spoke to a vet, and she's says its only when pets are ready to go, that the process is quick and peaceful for them. Considering that my cat is terrified of the vet, and had a full on stress episode the last time we went to the clinic, we need to be really sure he's ready and not resistant, before we take that step.

    Actually a lot has changed this year. I couldn't make the big changes I wanted, so I worked a lot on my inner child issues, and breaking some of the generational pathology, and releasing familial attachments. I've also been sorting through my things, and throwing out or giving away stuff - in preparation for being able to move away eventually. It will take longer than I wanted because of the depletion in savings and employment issues. But I feel good about eventually going off on my own. I've also achieved some modest improvements with my back injury on my own effort, although I really need to go for physio if I want to make headway. But you're right, and there is such a huge need to align all facets of my life.

  • Hi Danceur,

    Don't question your heart, know you are good and you made decisions for the right reasons

    You might have lost control of the emotions...look deep and see what you need to find

    with that there is frustration and conflict...look at what caused it, take emotions out of it

    You are not communicating and you want something...but not thinking your way through

    You are not using your skills that you have wisely...lost focus it seems

    you can't find your strength...confusion is leading to doubt

    Older male honest and good, but he is fuzzy or clouded...either is not being heard or doesn't have the strenght

    Also older woman is there watching

    hurting for money

    you have to believe in you that you have the strength to do what you have too...say it out loud...I can do this....

    You will work through this...working with others and any way you can to get things done.

    It's been a while, What no guy in the picture or in the background? hahaha oh you must be beating yourself up and spreading that feeling out... I get your not yourself so but trust in who you are you can make things happen when you put your mind to it. All is well here just dealing with change. I haven't done a reading in a while so whom better to start with....

  • Hi Nick!

    Your humour was greatly missed - I so needed that, thanks 🙂 But yikes, I'm a troublesome one, and I ended up on your list.

    Last you wrote there was a new job and a long commute. 'Change' sounds a bit ominous but I know you take things in your stride and I'm hoping you are ok.

    Haven't been doing good, not gonna lie. Many dark nights of the soul this year. I did what was necessary to give my feline child the time, and care he needs - and in the end, it seems it's not enough. I always knew this was a chapter that needed to conclude so we could all move forward. So I tried to go with the flow. But I never expected the situation to go on so long of its own volition. It seems like a cruel joke from the Universe to reach a stage where he is not quite ready to go, but I cannot afford to take care of him. Feeling like I failed him in this manner is more than I can bear.

    The thing is, this is also not me. I'm not this do-gooder. I feel for people but I try not to get involved. It's just this kiddo that I'm somehow very linked to. Wouldn't have done this for anyone else. I tried all along to put some rules and parameters, because I knew how easily it would be to go overboard. It fell on deaf ears. Couldn't enforce any boundaries on my own. Not without consequence to him. That's what happens when you're at the base of the pyramid. Indispensable but invisible. I have tried communicating my worries recently. More stonewalling or diversions.

    If I make it out of this, I hope for willpower to recover soon enough, so I can build my finances and move out quickly and disappear. Its just really unhealthy dynamics here.

    If I have it my way, there won't be a guy (or anyone) in the background. Or foreground. I've been single for years. Always wanted an equal, a partner. Instead, I seem to attract dependent people or needy situations. Unreliable, manipulative behavior and situations. And the thing is, I don't like to be needed. I tend to avoid other people's business. I stayed under the radar in my family for years. I've tried to move away from co-dependent situations. But my Achilles Heel is seeing someone in genuine trouble or vulnerability, especially a little one. Is that a Hero complex? I dunno. Maybe I just have a sappy Heart. But it's my undoing.

  • Danceur,

    I don't know why, but ever see the movie Moon Struck... Slap...snap out of it...done in a kind way...

    What you are not seeing right now is the LOVE you are giving... That will stay with you once you realize it. You know I talk from experience, crap hits the fan and some how you will keep moving. The Love can not be taken away, it was given freely. You are just not seeing it that way now because of your mood. There is light, other wise you would not have the Love in you... Call it what ever you want.. it is not sappy and it's not your undoing. You just can't see it right now, that's all. So find my thinking strong will Friend... and look at the good you are doing and build from there.


  • Hi Nick,

    I don't doubt the value of the love I've given. You're right that it cannot be taken away. But I'm also struggling to maintain emotional sobriety.

    The situation conflates the action (caregiving) with the circumstances (remaining in unhealthy, co-dependent and quasi abusive dynamics). It's not the same thing. So for me to want out of the situation, for me to feel and express anger, despair and frustration at the situation, does not mean I love him any less, or that my effort isn't worth it. It's the circumstances I have a problem with. I'm running into issues of betrayal of self and self-preservation. And confronting my own shadow self. It's eating me alive to be caught in the middle.

    I'm trying, moment to moment, to delineate thoughts from feelings. Latter is all true, all valid, but toxic. Keeps me in a loop of hopelessness. Can't have that anymore. I don't know how.... but I have to change the energetic story. I have to focus on what needs to happen (healing) - rather than what is currently happening (me falling apart).

  • Wishing you a happy holiday Daneur! Be good to yourself and I sincerely hope the new year starts a new phase for you! BLESSINGS!

  • Thanks Blmoon! Hope so too, and Happy Holidays to you 🙂

  • Danceur, what you do out of duty benefits others, but what you do out of love benefits all, including you.

  • Hi Captain,

    Insofar as my experience goes, caregiving is a mix of both. From my observation, within the context of dysfunctional family dynamics, and people who do not seem interested in healthy give and take relationships, doing things for others has had the unfortunate side effect of re-igniting and perpetuating the cycle of unequal and co-dependent interactions and martyrdom (that I had already distanced myself from previously).

    I understand the value of what I do. It does warm my heart to care for him, and it probably has the most benefit on a soul level. But the harm and hurt I experience from the circumstances have been very damaging to my heart, mind and body. I feel dehumanized. Even if I know my worth, I'm not a saint. Being isolated in circumstances where you are only seen as a means to an end...and as someone who doesn't deserve all the things others want for themselves... does things to you. It's also linked to the loss in the financial safety net which I had built for myself. It would have eventually allowed for a quick exit from the family home. Now I find myself exhausted and mentally unfit to work (but needing to find work to support costs), and with no means to move out. Trying to focus on gratitude and love is becoming too difficult, or it feels like it's not enough anymore. And my negative moods are revisited on others energetically. It benefits no one. I just go moment to moment, try to be present, and try to slow down/exit when I see I'm getting agitated.

    I get that I'm wired to help, heal and protect. And I cannot change that part of myself. But until I can attain my freedom from this family unit, who I am feels like a liability.

Log in to reply