Lightbulb moment?



  • Ah ok 🙂 I thought I just did not understand the phrase.

    Are there different types or different levels of nurturing? How do you provide it for yourself in a powerful enough way, when your role involves nurturing another’s needs ahead of your own?

    I thought I was nurturing myself for a good few years (pre-caregiving). That was when I was my main priority. Fast forward to now - whatever I can provide for myself - that could be considered nurturing - is on such rudimentary terms, that I cannot seem to latch on to that feeling of goodness/’meaningfulness’ easily or for long enough.

    Is it actually the point that we are supposed to learn how to nurture ourselves with as little as possible? If so, and if we keep having to reframe the nurturing, how do you keep from losing your standards and settling for less than you deserve?



  • I work at it . I am a care taker. It is both my nature and my life pathology. As a psychic healer I am drawn to needs. My energy by nature goes outward. This is controlled by empathy....when our hearts go out to others in a deep compassionate way our energy follows. I was the oldest child with parents who were not very present so by that pathology I learned very young to be the responsible adult. I married at 18. 47 years to a man who has a mental illness......again a caretaker. I had four children. Our paths on earth are a journey towards wholeness and full power of our purpose and gifts. My gifts at a younger age could not be fully used productively without my boot camp of life journey to give me the balance of discipline. I had too much female energy but not enough male protective energy to enforce boundaries. What happens when you give more than you take in? Illness. Particularly, autoimmune illnesses. Most Psychics deal with body pain. It's a constant issue. I was diagnosed with arthritis in my early twenties. Despite a very strong body I was always sick and dealing with back and neck pain. I had many years of being bed bound for days yet I was still a work horse in between. I also had trouble saying no to needy people until towards my late 30's . I saw too much into peoples souls and ignored my brain. Empaths must include their brains with that too big heart. The thing is, once I learned to pass on some people I knew I could help....guess what? The universe sent them some one else! I still must keep a strong awareness of where my energy leaks and how much and where and how I can gather energy. For me, solitude is essential for recharging and I need accomplishments for that feel good about myself energy that is turbo charged. Loving yourself is not just a phrase you say but is little things you do for yourself that make you feel good.And you CAN'T without consequences put anyone's needs above your own. Anymore than you can write checks you can't cover. You can't serve humanity on an empty tank. That is so important you can put it on your fridge if you forget but really the telling will be your health and mental state. Giving too much will leave you in pain....real pain. Back pain specially.....depression....feelings of helplessness and self loathing. These are symptoms. If you asked any psychics here I would bet the rent they all have dealt with the ups and downs of body pain. Since accomplishments feed my energy I make a choice to count the smallest things. I may have finally fixed something I walked past everyday saying I need to fix that! Everyone's got that one spot on the wall they hate but put off dealing with. Or getting rid of something big ......that's broken......or organizing paperwork. The list is endless. Gratitude is an energy source....just feeling gratitude raises energy. A lot of these efforts first need you to be in a state of clarity....a mind empty of other chaotic negative thoughts and emotions. Settling for less than you deserve is very complicated and personal. It is one of the last pieces to your journey for empowerment. It's entitlement and very scary. I'm sure you've read that cliche that it is human nature to be more afraid of success than failure and to get to the heart of that would take pages! Just know that it is not easy to step into your entitlement....it is scary and takes a lot of fortitude. Hope I gave you enough.....I got yard work waiting and the sun goes down too early! BLESSINGS!



  • Hi Blmoon,

    What is life pathology? As in life path (numerology), or…how do you find out?

    I see some commonalities. In terms of ailments – childhood and adult allergies, and pain from my early 20s, although some of that arose from skeletal abnormalities. I was in a long term relationship with someone who had mental illness (didn’t realize until much later). It was emotionally and psychologically abusive and I lost myself in his crazymaking. Thought we’d be able to manage his issues over time, and stayed also because I feared for his life (suicide threats).

    But the rest of my experience seems very different. Was never in touch with my feminine side growing up. I was more thinking than feeling, and I was emotionally stunted. That I have opened up and poured out my stories here is actually vastly different than who I used to be. I have had issues with identity my whole life I imagine. I thought of myself as a tomboy, but I might technically be ‘transgendered-ish’. There is a certain chameleon like, contradictory quality about me and I feel like an entity more than a person sometimes. It always felt that the future was blank – I didn’t have aspirations and I couldn’t see a future self. At home, I was the kid that questioned, spoke back to my parents against unfair treatment, pushed for what I wanted, got into trouble etc. My siblings didn’t dare to do that, especially because my father was emotionally abusive and a bully. I was the first one who decided I had more power than him - even though he was louder, and I ceased to be afraid or look to him/family for approval. Naturally, I got blamed for a lot for things – but I was also unseen and unknown. Their impression of me is stuck from 25 years ago. I’m a loner, and my energy is projected inwards, and I also need plenty of alone time to recharge. For the most part, I stayed uninvolved and was uninterested in family matters. There is a sense of lack of connectedness with the idea of family.

    I have caregiver traits, but I never had a caretaker role growing up (aside from for my cat – but he he was self-sufficient the whole time until a few years ago). I don’t entirely relate to being a caretaker, and I have a hard time with it. Are all caregivers empaths but not all empaths supposed to be caretakers?

    Seem to encounter opportunities to help animals in need quite often (mostly cats and birds), and I think I have empathy for them, and feel for their suffering, more than people. Traditionally, I shy away from helping people. I may listen, but I don’t like getting involved. It’s only in the last few years that suddenly I’m starting to ‘see’ and feel more for people. But it’s in a ‘community at large’ way, and I still hesitate to help up close. I think I have enough empathy to help directly, but I would soon dislike it.

    Because of the fragmented identity, I have no real barometer to measure achievements. So accomplishments don’t make me feel much of anything. I did feel really good in dance, because of the learning and creativity and growth, and because it’s something I tried on my own, and discovered I some talent in. Being in a state of mind of freedom makes me feel at peace/contented, and it’s there that I start to feel gratitude and optimism.

    How would I recreate that in the present situation?

    I think I’ve been walking around entitlement for some time. There’s a lack of confidence and a directionless feeling from a lack of identity. Despite my current situation, it is still a goal to step away from the family, because I want to discover who I am.



  • I just wawed to take a minute to say how lucky we really are to have some gifted psychics/readers, etc here. You can go and pay a lot for the help that is offered here. Spirit doesn't lie when asked in the correct fashion. You know people here. I've been on this site for about 7 yrs. I read an article not too long ago in Elle on psychics vs. therapists, dr's, etc. The article leaned toward the psychic. The help is here. Life is a lesson and it's not always in our favor. It's how we handle it. Don't shoulder what's not you. Create what's you.



  • Hi Daliolite,

    You are right - we are lucky.

    I'm going in circles - whatever I create doesn't last, I lose the gains and I'm constantly rebuilding from ashes every few years. It's been 20 years of this. Have not experienced what life can be, and I want to. My identity and foundations are not solid, so maybe there's mental health issues in addition to spiritual/karmic ones. I'm trying to figure out and heal whatever's gone wrong with me, so I can permanently break this loop.



  • two steps forward and one step back is still progress!



  • Hi Blmoon,

    An old friend/teacher used to say she cannot understand how I ended up this way, without steady employment, and aimless, with no financial resources and alone - when I did so well at school and had a spark. Where peers were experiencing personal and professional growth, I was trying so hard just to have a job. The disparity is so glaring.

    I used to take it in stride, before I saw the pattern.

    Now i see that it's way too much effort for too little progress and gains that don't last.

    This going in circles has happened to nearly my whole family - except my brother.

    He's the only one who hasn't had any family responsibility, has grown up entitled and inconsiderate, who takes and doesn't give (much). He doesn't show empathy. And he's also the most successful, and his growth has been continuous. His self-serving nature serves him better than our empathy serves us. I feel he is lucky in that regard.

    I want my effort to blossom to real tangible growth, financial resources and continuity - where even when there are setbacks, I don't go back to the start or before the start. And where I can find the space to create more abundance - like having my own place, being able to travel, and allowing in a partner.



  • Hi Danceur,

    I have to butt in... is he better off? outwardly it may seem so...the grass is not greener on the other side of the fence. Is your road easy, no, but you are building things he never can by being selfish. You are building abundance, but you don't see it yet. At what cost is his success?



  • Hi Nick,

    Not saying it’s right. But it does make me wonder.

    All of us have faced employment and financial issues except him. We’re all capable and hardworking, and yet outward material success has been thwarted repeatedly. The only real difference I see is that all (except my bro) are or have been placed in situations in which we had to sacrifice personal growth and happiness – in a major way - for the survival of the rest/some. Even though we’ve all grown better at boundaries and accountability, the stain of (being amenable to) self-sacrifice has followed us. We keep finding ourselves in such situations. That has pushed away success, and made our lives much harder than it ought to be.

    Granted that everyone (no exceptions) experiences hardships, failures and pain – he appears to be doing well. Plenty of abundance, because he’s able to focus all his energy there into his own gain. There’s no split energy. No remorse.

    How am I building abundance? I feel some resonance to the way you said it, and I don’t know why.

    Don't think I could have done anything differently. But I didn’t factor in the stability of my sense of self, and mental health. And how the situation would take so much from me. I would like to imagine that in 5 years, I would have completely recovered, and I would understand why it had to be this way. But for now, I lack the capacity to fully appreciate it. And that's tough. All the same, I am trying to count my blessings and stop struggling so much.



  • Hi Danceur,

    Struggle makes you tough, to struggle and still care and give love is even tougher. The abundance you are building may not count in monetary value but in the strength in you. Time is only a factor that we measure by but try and take that out of the equation. The care you are giving will equal a strength and love which money can not buy. Look at the little things like the care you give to your cat...love is love... don't you think your cat loves you for the care you are giving in it's need? She is giving it back by the care you are giving her. The abundance you are building is not being seen now... care giving can be a strain...and you question why you are doing it...easier to come and go...then be there every day and struggle throughout the pains...the hours of being there without a break. Draining... been there done that for 5 years... I wouldn't want to do it again but I would... I gave when family members would come for 5 seconds and leave, out of sight out of mind...and they cried louder....all I did for mom (I was in disbelief) (are you kidding me) What they missed out on were all the little moments...not many but special...though's are the benefits you are building...you are making a difference...could they get the care you are giving in a home?... tossed to the side, and other things that I won't mention that I have seen. or the well being as much as you can give...is it not better for them...quality of life. That you can not trade...and sometimes won't see, but it is there.



  • Hi Nick,

    You are one of the good ones.

    I do see/feel the value of the caregiving - both to my cat and myself. That isn't my issue.

    Its the circumstances (being unsupported both financially, physically and emotionally). There is an old wound from childhood around that, and I have not found a way to transcend it through this experience. In fact, it's re-opened the wound, because its happening at home where the original lack of support comes from, and is being replayed. It seems to have negated the years of work I put in to heal the wound (by providing for myself) and also created new conflict (where I had previously forgiven others). Which is why I do not understand why things occured this way.

    I think people go into caregiving thinking everyone will rally around them. But then we find out, it is often not the case. I've had to dissociate a lot to handle this experience. And it has caused mental and emotional fractures and instabilities. I have not become sturdier.

    I don't condone mistreatment by professional caregivers or in nursing homes. But I want (and need) to be giving from a place of strength, abundance and mental stability. Not fragility and depletion, which is where I'm at. Unfortunately, I do think that it will come at a cost of releasing responsibility for other family members, should they need caregiving. I know it's counter-intuitive, but it feels as if part of the healing involves closing that door, no matter how great the needs of the other are. I just hope that my brother will step up eventually. Since he is the only one who has had the freedom and years to create his foundations.



  • DANCEUR

    I can relate to your wound very much. I come from a childhood were I was on my own. The bottom line effect of this is not feeling safe. This becomes written into our DNA and we actually attract situations that validate this belief. And you are right.....we can consciously tell ourselves everyday that we are safe yet it seems to not produce action or change. I just want you to know that the psychic guidance and life coaching you seek here is real yet also very human. Much of my wisdom and compassion comes from having traveled that road. I still have my wounds but I manage them. It's work. It gets easier and the events that challenge us do make us stronger after we walk through them. Life is a process not a magical destination. You have heard this and you will repeat it to yourself until you leave this earth. It never grows too old not to repeat. As a sensitive I read your energy first. Yours right now is FRUSTRATION. Frustration is a result of feeling trapped...feeling trapped is related to helplessness and helplessness returns you right back to not feeling protected or safe. A deep isolating aloneness and grief that no one will ever come rescue you.I'm having a day like that myself....yet I'm aware of it. I know it is a lie and I know it will pass. I know it will be specific actions on my part that will lift me out of that energy. Be aware that events that reopen the wound are not failures or attacks but opportunities to exercise your way out of this wound. It's too easy to feel your not getting help from prayers or spiritual guides or even God himself because it's a thinking flaw to judge help by only being true if all is well. Prayers are answered in ways you must trust....not always what you desire but what you need. Unfortunately, the wound expects to be non deserving, to be let down, to feel betrayed. I have been a caretaker all my life. AND have found myself as well in situations that have set me up for exploitation. Once I got passed that blind place of feeling betrayed and examined all my part in it....the million little abiding...too nice....self sacrificing messages I gave out in the name of being a nice person set the stage for exploitation. Even the best of folks often can't resist treating you as if you don't need more when that's what you put out there. I do understand your burden of not knowing what self care and self protection even looks like or feels like. Also, be aware that our kind of desperate wound leads to a LOT of "MAGICAL THINKING". It is a false sense of hopefulness and feels temporarily good.Like believing your brother will do right by you. Don't put an ounce of energy into that magical thinking. If he surprises you well celebrate but right now this minute detach from that notion...it only allows continual disappointment. THIS is that action part you do for yourself. This a choice that keeps your energy up not dragging it down as he continually disappoints you. Also , as a caretaker you must take breaks...you must learn to say no....and be confident you are not the only gifted healer doing God's service. Someone else will take over. THAT is another lie from the wound that says your alone. YOU have to feed your own energy . YOU have to know what gives you joy and walk away from the illusion of responsibility to others and be responsible for your mind body and spiritual health. Being irresponsible and God forbid, selfish is a real fear for burnt out caretakers.Change your perspective. And it will change your life. I care....But today this is all I can give....the rest is FOR me! BLESSINGS. You are loved!



  • Hi Danceur,

    I won't be as elegant as Blmoon, that old wound may never leave you and when your down it hovers over you where that you don't think you can escape it. It is easy to go into flight mode, but you are facing it...that takes strength. beating it down takes strength. I have family that say how am I normal..(well normal for me) I decided to break the chains and I work on them all the time. I know my weakness...and I try to build and create light...the light keeps the shadows away. Don't worry about others you can not control them, but you can control you. Work on building you, create that light and the shadows seem less and you won't have to feel scared or (why try you will never make it) afraid. Forgiveness is a start it's the spark not holding onto the negative, now go make some light!



  • I'd say that was very elegant and down right POETIC! I still say there's a poet inside your big insightful artistic heart TarotNick!



  • HI Nick,

    Yup I was wondering how you managed to step away from that situation and still be ‘normal’. Because in my own circumstances, I feel irrevocably changed. And less normal. I am trying to do what you’re suggesting, which is work on myself. And focus less on others. But it is hard. Like I said, the house and the family are at the source of this wound. When you pair it with the challenges of caregiving, it is a lot to handle. I’m not sure if beating it down, is better than wanting to flee. The latter often feels like a more aligned path to take.



  • Hi Blmoon,

    I love your words – so wise! Thank you, it helps to feel that I am not alone in this quest to make sense of my life and learn how to improve it.

    I wouldn’t say I am unaware of what self-care and self-protection is. I do know. Because I’ve been consciously providing it for myself. But yes, previously, when there was no awareness of wounds, I did feel as if I was having to make up for something I wasn’t given. At the time, I didn't know it was safety and security (you are right about that).

    In the last few years, I’ve consciously started to take ownership for my well-being – and to feel good about it – and delink it from my parents. I released responsibility for what they should have done. That is where I started to feel forgiveness. But I feel as if the current circumstances are ripping that forgiveness to shreds by creating new conflict. In general, I support constructive conflict and communication. But what I see is just a lot of bad blood.

    Because the caregiving has stirred the pot, and forced me to speak up, I’m only seen as a troublemaker and acting like an overbearing parent. Which I don’t want to be. I don’t want to tell people what to do. I never have. I want to communicate, find solutions. But they are conflict avoidant. I don’t know how to push for equality, assert or redraw boundaries on long-standing issues, without the others reacting in hostility. For example, there is a lot of inconsiderate behaviour around clutter, mess and keeping up after oneself. I’ve brought it up. It leads to arguments. Yesterday, a simple request to my brother turned into him screaming at me and devaluing me. Rage and projection. He acted like I was assaulting his rights. And I was confounded by how exactly he went from 0 to 100 and made it into something it wasn't. I was in tears after that, not because I feel let down by him, but by the force of his energy. It feels as if in order to save n myself from this kind of pain, I have to acquiesce and just clean up after people and accept their inconsiderate behavior, thereby throwing out my boundaries. It doesn’t sit right with me because I naturally fight back against aggression and unfairness. But either way, I am the one who takes the hit.

    I know that I could release the ‘story’ that cleaning up after others (who are capable of doing it themselves but choose not to) is unfair. That works sometimes. But I’ve also found that the more I do this, the more the issue escalates. Why not, since I am the free maid. And wanting to live in a clean space, seems to only be my issue. It doesn’t bother them.

    I did feel that I was on the right trajectory before the caregiving, and that my time with this family is supposed to be up. I wanted to be able to move out of my own accord, feeling good about my situation, and knowing that I had already been able to forgive. I was on track to doing this. It might have happened within a year. I didn’t need a showdown and trauma to create that change. But it feels like life wants that to happen anyway. For things to be derailed like it has, for me to regress right back into feeling like I cannot take care for myself... I have got to wonder if the caregiving situation was fated, but the timing just coincidental? Because it’s like 2 different storylines crashing on each other. It doesn’t make sense.

    Right now, I’m doing a few things to help calm my mind including going back to listening to some Eckhart Tolle stuff. It helps, but I find that I also don't understand where boundaries and accountability would fit in, if we step away from identifying with the ego. I was also thinking of starting a list of positive aspects notebook that I can write in daily.



  • “It's too easy to feel your not getting help from prayers or spiritual guides or even God himself because it's a thinking flaw to judge help by only being true if all is well. Prayers are answered in ways you must trust....not always what you desire but what you need. Unfortunately, the wound expects to be non deserving, to be let down, to feel betrayed."

    Completely true.

    But I took a leap of faith and talked to my Dad. He initiated it because he heard about the argument with my bro. He was forthcoming about my volatile behaviour – which I have written about many times here. I acknowledged it and also tried to share that it’s coming from frustration, stress, fatigue and feeling overwhelmed…from taking on this caregiving role. I could not tell him about the severe depression and breakdowns I’ve experienced. I think it would be too much for him. But I did reveal more to him than I have in my entire life, and in a very candid way. Which I believe is a prayer answered. Because I had always been wanting communication and understanding. And up till now, I kept on getting stonewalled. One of my wounds is feeling unheard and invisible – being treated like what I say or what I need doesn’t matter. That even when my folks asked, they never intended to really listen or acknowledge. So by and large, I’ve responded by shutting down and refusing to communicate (what is the point). And at present, I have become volatile instead.

    I was glad for the talk but sad that he remained closed off about certain things. I know it’s hard for him to believe, because my folks want desperately to believe in the idea of a happy family. But it’s never been that way. It’s always been co-dependent. I see the breakdown as a good thing, because it allows a rebuilding process. He did say to be more accommodating, and I said I would try. Because he’s right that the energetic change does affect reactions. But I still feel as if this will be one-sided and I will still just end up having to accommodate inconsiderate behaviour and being exploited. I have no illusions about the way they operate. I hate to say it but I think his solution will perpetuate the co-dependent dynamic, which I’ve tried so hard to steer clear of, and am now immersed in again.

    What I don’t understand, is how I attract situations where I get less than I deserve, if I have always been fighting for my needs and pushing against inequality, even from childhood. Dad was refraining from calling me names just now. But he called my bro good and my sis, obliging. The only adjectives I got were rude, not civil, snappish.



  • I don't know where to begin. The squabbles about chores and order are common in many households. I deal with that myself. When you live with others who have different tolerances it is a fight. I grew up with hoarders. It's a terrible disease. Yes, it is a form of illness and not about being a bad housekeeper. My husband is a compulsive obsessive hoarder and over the years it took many different approaches to find my happy place with his crazy. I am not a clean freak but I am very energy sensitive to spaces and a sense of order and feng shui . I am artistic so very aware of the placement of objects and decor as a whole cohesive composition....that's how I see a room. I only surround myself with things that I love. Before my man got treatment and meds it was harder to avoid confrontations because like your brother his anger was too much. I compromised a lot pretty much allowing the garage as his hoard room and it was crazy full and stacked high and he claimed he knew were everything was and God forbid you touched something in the crazy maze cos he'd know. In reality he really could not access a thing in there and we always had to just buy a new tool or whatever and he would claim the item was missing because people touched his stuff. It is mental illness when arguments have no logic. Eventually, I built him a large outside garage for his hoard and in his bedroom we bought a very beautiful bedroom set with many dressers and drawer space. His drawers are filled to satisfy his illness yet on the outside the beautiful furniture is all I see. Anyway, this is all different than your predicament because I choose to be with this man and claim this house mine. And if others start leaving dishes and I start feeling like the maid I let them pile up. Yep. I make sure I wash what I need and it takes a while but others get the message. Same with clothes ....I had an adult son staying in the past who is a clothes hoarder and obsessive washer. Everyday he washed clothes but never put them away in any order so dirty got mixed with clean and just kept getting rewashed. He had more clothes than necessary. My parents had clothes mountains as well so I'm sure it's genetic! After fighting over it almost daily I stopped and just started donating or throwing out clothes I never saw him wear and did it in small batches. When he asked if I saw this or that I looked at him like he was crazy and lied...NO I didn't touch your clothes. This is the difference between beating your head against a wall and actually taking action. BUT I claim my space...my home. What is your claim? What is your right living there? Who gets to not compromise? You can't change people only take action with the situation. Really, the solution is to move out but for some reason that is scarier than living in the pain your in. Why you can't cut all losses and walk away is the real issue. All of you are part of a very dysfunctional dynamic and you all play a different role and everyone wants something from the other that is never going to happen.You attract conflict that calls for action because just fighting for yourself is not the same as GETTING for yourself. All your fighting is just a waste of energy cos you get no results. I could have fought forever with my adult son over his clothes hoard and waste of water but I finally actually did something in a non confronting way. He also had OCD about snipping his hair daily...which is fine if didn't leave hair on sink and floor daily...again something I beached about daily. Then one day I just hid all the scissors. Wow! That was simple. If he brought scissors in the house they disappeared too and no I didn't touch them and refused to argue.Instead of being trapped by these annoying obstacles I took a different approach.At first my approach was for others to listen to me and change in all fairness but that's magical thinking. Just take charge...quietly. Also in the past when I had several family members living here and a full sink spreading over the counter I just started hiding dishes and utensils to a smaller available amount Of course someone is going to say....are dishes disappearing? Where did all the silver ware go and you lie....lie lie with a straight face...I don't know! Was wondering myself and avoid speaking about it. There are other solutions out there but you are programmed to be trapped by unproductive conflict and a feeling of not being heard. THAT'S the pattern you have not changed.



  • Wow we have the clothes mountains too. I used to do it too, until I realized that clutter, dirt and messiness affect my energy. I stopped that habit, but then others started doing it. It really is like a disease. In the kitchen…more stuff than they could use or consume, or have space for. Half-eaten packets/containers or expired stuff everywhere, which take months and years to be thrown away. Same with the fridge. Whole cabinets of Tupperware and re-used jars that they never get round to using. Same too with hoarding empty boxes from electronics etc and keeping working parts of broken down equipment because they think they can reuse it but never do.

    Actually I have done some of that sneaky stuff too, even hiding or re-organizing things, so they are out of sight. And yes the "I don't know where it is", "I didn't touch your things" where possible. The more overt actions are collecting the clothes mountains and dumping them into the owner’s rooms every few days Along with mail that they never read. It sends a message, and at least keeps it out of the halls, although it’s short-lived. I only wash my own dishes and let the rest pile. That one worked. I slowly threw away stacks of junk that my folks hoarded from the old house more than 20 years ago. However, the cleanliness of the counter tops and floors is problematic. No one will clean the floor at all, not for months, no matter how dirty it gets with oil splatters, food spills, coffee stains etc. And we’ve repeatedly had problems with ants. So I don’t have a solution other than to be the cleaner.

    I mostly agree with your assessment. I don’t know what it is that is making me stay. I have provided towards his care for over 20 years, and I was responsible but I didn’t feel invested. I rarely feel invested in anything. Somehow, when it changed to caregiving, something changed in my brain. It is specifically for him. Maybe karmic debt that I have to repay. I think nothing short of amnesia is going to change it.

    I still see moving out as a goal. Since I’m gonna be here for some time, I want to start seeing it as work in progress, not as “I’m stuck, I’m not supposed to be here” – even though the reality is that. If I want to manifest liberation, I have to relearn what it feels like first. And feel it more. I want to work on how I can regain a sense of security, calmness and some ‘normalcy’ within this situation, even though it’s not normal for me. I have spoken to Dad about needing to get a part-time job outside the house, and needing their help for the caregiving in my absence. Their medical conditions are currently stable after more than a year of being in and out of the hospital. There’s no guarantees, and they still have flare-ups and regular medical appointments - but I’ll run with what I can get first. Basically, I want to start going more getting, rather than trying to get.


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