It occurs to me that with the caregiving, I got caught up in sis' decision to straddle both her spiritual mission and her future. She said she talks to our cat, and his work is not done (it's to do with protecting us from entities), and she's dead set on the idea that he must remain till he is ready to leave, no matter his suffering. And it is her mission to help him. Sounds like she should be the primary caregiver. However, she has loan commitments for a property overseas, and has used that as a reason to not contribute to caregiving costs and a justification for why she cannot take my place.
However, she did not disclose anything about her and his missions until 2 days ago, when I confronted her. I think she used me all along - to man the daily caregiving effort - and pay for it, and give up everything in the process. The only way to keep the caregiving going, was to get someone else to do it. In comes her dupe - me. I believe she also intentionally concealed that she's against euthanasia - knowing that my position (which I made known repeatedly) largely conflicted from hers and that I would probably had left earlier if I had known. She didn't give me an opportunity to choose if I could abide by her direction and stay. I wanted and needed that choice and she took it from me with her lack of disclosure.
I don't know how much I can believe anything she says, when she has a habit of intentionally withholding info. But at the very least, when I look at him, clearly taking his difficulties in his stride, it does make me feel there is a divine purpose. Although he is starting to transition, it may be a while still, before he is ready.
But the spiritual component - that is not my fight. Unlike her, I cannot reconcile someone deteriorating and suffering, when there are merciful options. Especially when I am there to witness it 24/7. I'm just not as evolved to look past it, even if this is fate. I'm now trapped with no savings to move out, and feeling like I would never forgive myself if i attempted to leave when he needs help the most. She told me if I bowed out, he would just have to settle for less care - knowing that this would hurt him, and me, and deter me from leaving.
I have paid for caregiving costs even during my unemployment. But I told her I can no longer afford it. I was trying to get a job, but I now realize i'm in no condition to work, and there are too many caregiving tasks to do. Although she's now willing to source for some financial help, it may not be enough. And she's still putting me in a situation to come up with costs first, without her disclosing how much she can reimburse later. And I cannot give an ultimatum because I am the one carrying out the tasks and need to purchase the items.
I don't know why she did this to me. It seems to come naturally for her to manipulate people. You can't just pull people into your quest without their consent. Even if she was on a higher plane of spirituality, how could she force people to join her on that level, when they were not ready and were on a different path?
I kept feeling that she was sociopathic for not being able to see that spirituality issues aside, it's this situation (that she manipulated me into) that put me on a collision course with depression.
I'm not saying I don't have issues, but this is an extreme amount of stress I'm facing. I've been both the physical caregiver as well as the breadwinner, while juggling a back injury, burnout and mounting health issues that I couldn't attend to for lack of money and time.
I kept going to her to plead for help and to tell her I couldn't continue, and she would just steer it back to keeping positive and meditation. Meanwhile I am lacking time to sleep and to take regular breaks. And stuck in the house with cabin fever.
I didn't understand why she couldn't seem to hear me and would invalidate my arguments.
Now I understand why. I am just a means to an end. Her focus is on the mission, nothing else matters.
I feel like there is a breakthrough for me here, but I still feel trapped by lack of finances and my commitment to help. I can't leave without making the situation worse. I am praying for him to move on. And not to be bound to this.
This is my perception on her. Can anyone get a read on this and the situation?
You are not a victim.....if you choose. This year stop being passive.....the world is not coming to your door. When we attach ourselves to toxic relationships it is a way of giving away our power. We have been listening compassionately to your many many many posts all saying the same bottom line thing.......you are trapped. Set yourself free. Be where positive others go....join a church...a club......get OUTSIDE! Take action. Trust that by making positive actions God and all his servants will back you up. Have FAITH. You want too many grantees. Just do it. Pray....pray pray!
The thing I want most is my freedom, to be able to do everything just for myself...and make choices without being bound to others' circumtances. That is the truest sense I have of myself. Yet there is another aspect, a permeable layer of empathy that attracts situations where others need help. I actually rarely intervene - but in the 'worthy' situations that I do, it has sometimes spiraled into unfavourable circumstances I can't get out of without harm to others and to self.
I tried to have faith and trust in the process. I have only succeeded in placating my state of mind and conscience - until the next crisis occurs - and then it unravels again. If I were meant to be here, I would have found peace and equilibrium within it by now, no matter what crisis follows.
But if I am not meant to be here, why is the road out not easily accessible either? Why can't I attain my freedom without harm to everyone, including me?
I did go to church for some quiet time 2 months ago - I intended to make it a weekly thing. But by that sme weekend, medical issues had forced both my folks out of commission, and to stop any caregiving support they were providing - and confining me to the house again. Just as they were starting to recover, and I thought I could start to breathe, my cat developed further issues a week ago, which has added an extra few hours each day into his care, and compounded the exhaustion I feel.
I have not been passive. I've taken so many actions in 1.5 years - to lessen frustration for myself, and to work around others' constraints. I always tried actively to provide breathing room for myself, but increasingly all avenues for that are being thwarted, leaving me without a consistent way to care for my mental and physical health.
I've reached out to get counselling and waiting for an appointment, and I don't even know how I will make the appointment. I want to go back to physio, yet I don't know how I will afford it, let alone find the time to go. As long as there is no consistent alternative support for my cat, I can't get outside, I can't take all the affirmative actions to care for myself, and to have an identity outside of a caregiver. One of the reasons I hung on so long to my job, was because I knew this enmeshment would happen, and I would lose myself.
The love and appreciation I feel when I spend time with him, is genuine. And nothing else matters in that moment. But I keep getting drawn back to that thirst for freedom, and awareness of the wrongness of being bound and not able to run with the energy of growth and expansion. It frustrates me and I forget my compassion, empathy and gratitude. And then I feel guilty afterwards. The energies cannot exist together, and it is ripping me up. If I stay, I will disintegrate; if I leave, it will also destroy me and others. It's come to a point where i feel that the only way to accomplish remaining true to the energy of liberation and release and also to compassion and empathy, is if I do not exist. I've prayed and hoped for a miracle and for other options, and tried to look on the bright side for so long, and it's just not happening. Nothing I'm doing works.
I thank you for caring. I know it's been tedious for you to see me run around in circles. I want to ditch the hamster wheel, but I don't have a 'second' - someone who will step in so I can go off on my path, in peace.
You're right - these are mental chains. And I am starting to resent who I am and why I have empathy. I think you're right, I'm looking for a reason and a guarantee - to remain hopeful - because I've near totally lost all of it.
Your sister is full of crap. However, you have to take responsibility for the decisions you have made and not blame them on her or anyone else.
You have chosen to put yourself in the position you are in. Period.
This isn’t about other people using you, manipulating you, taking advantage of your good nature. To use those excuses means you are a VICTIM. This is a mindset you have been in for a long time. Blmoon’s post to you was spot on. You have received other advice that was spot on but you don’t listen to it. You mostly just want sympathy and enabling to stay in the victim mode you are in. I’m sorry that sounds harsh - but you really need someone to take you by the shoulders and shake you back into conscious awareness.
Stop using your cat as an excuse. Stop using your family as an excuse. Stop using your bosses/jobs as an excuse. Stop using this Forum as a place to hide out. MOVE FORWARD. If your cat needs so much constant care to stay alive that you aren’t able to work and support yourself then he needs to be put out of his misery. Anything you see in his eyes about not being ready to go or needing to stay is merely your own emotional projection.
No more lamenting. No more soliloquies. Take off the victim cloak you have been clutching around yourself for so long. I’d be willing to bet that once you grow a backbone your back issues will resolve. Yes, OUCH. Believe it or not it pains me to communicate in this way to you but you get lost in your thoughts and subtleties do not work. The truth hurts but it also sets you free.
I think I have been wrong to try and seek answers here.
I'm sorry that I have caused frustration.
I realise now that I'm carrying significant energetic and soul misalignment from older energetic and spiritual injuries. There is a trauma signature/programmed response that is still being triggered by certain situations and individuals. This fragmentation pulls on the empathetic/healer aspect of me (which I don't understand well) and allows me to adopt an energetic persona that either isn't authentic at all or is part of an evolving skill set that I will need to learn to take apart and control. Add to that, that we are conditioned to use empathy to look for the lessons and positivity in bad situations, and it leads to us losing the ability to recognize when we are in danger.
It has made me feel crazy carrying around what felt like multiple identities - the one that's yearns for liberation and can't stand to be bound, and the one that feels I have to stay and there is a purpose to it, the one who feels empowered and powerful, and totally disempowered and powerless all at once. I can literally feel I'm walking around with split energy. I wasn't trying to seek empathy, or trying to be a victim - I was looking for an answer I didn't know the question to. I didn't know why I felt fragmented - and I didn't know who to ask for help, who might know what was wrong. This goes back the entire time I've been on the forum - I've always expressed a sense of split energy. You've described it as analysis paralysis. I don't have a strong enough anchor to who I am. This situation has merely magnified it.
A few days ago, I was guided to say out loud that I wanted to release my energetic ties to the situation. And to seek help from the Universe to provide solutions where we haven't found them. In 5 minutes, I felt the fog lift and I've felt so much better than I have in months. I've been using and refining this personal mantra several times each day, whenever I feel anxious or going in circular thinking, and it's given me a reprieve.
I cannot explain this, but I'm being asked to consciously hold the thought to release myself as the energetic anchor, and to trust that solutions will come or things will change, to allow that transition, and untangling - so that I can get out without further injury and fragmentation.
I will also need to look for a facilitator to help properly heal this rift and misalignment.
I have my work cut out for me, so I won't bother you with this anymore.
Thank you all for your support, compassion and advice.
WOW!!! YOU GO! Now that's the real you talking! You are not alone in your challenges. We all work bravely hard to center ourselves in a place of power that is scary and contradicts our wounds and traumas. As empaths and caregivers we have all struggled to NOT take on too much of other's energy. You seem so insightful once you cut through the emotions! Too many people think that there is a magic day we fix ourselves and the struggle is over! WRONG. We can't change who we are. But awareness allows us to out smart our traumas and make choices that are often uncomfortable yet...it passes.I just made a leap and I literally had to say out loud many times a day....I'M DOING THIS! As the rush of self power took over my body it actually felt scary and uncomfortable. This feeling of power is what holds most damaged people back. Something from our childhoods bombarded us to NOT stand out and shine too much....sent us a message that it was bad. So, our adult hoods are often filled with self sabotaging ailments and toxic relationships we blindly see as attacks and bad luck. I have been a victim in my early life.......It is universal. It is part of the journey to healing and wholeness. I know it looks like our wisdom and advice comes easy. Truth is we work hard to nurture and own our power. We pray A LOT. We have to constantly be in check with our energy levels...mind body and spirit. We have panic attacks when our energy rises above the childhood restrictions.....we meditate and use tools to push forward. We stay in awareness best we can watching out for energy zappers like CLUTTER....it chokes energy....DRAMA.....it drains energy. Give yourself a boost and address your environment. Be good to yourself....purge your home. Only keep things that love you back. If you nurture your home it will nurture you back. Get rid of worn out clothes and shoes. Sage your home and hang chimes and sound them often. Chimes and bells are used in every religion....to cleanse negative energy. Listen to music......dance and YES YES YES.....monitor your thoughts. When negative thoughts enter....say out loud "thank you for sharing...now go away!" I do that....it makes me laugh. Anyway....just want you to know ....what you pray for is work and action. I work hard at it and the blessings are real. With gratitude the energy changes....always find the grateful moments of your life....gratitude is a seed that blossoms. BLESSINGS!
Deep Breath...Smile...and have a mental Hug!...
All is good....
Anger can be useful. It is a "negative" emotion, but sometimes it is still a step above where you are and the fire it produces can propel you out of where you are. You can't go from a place of despair to joy in one step. You need to climb your way out of the pit one ladder run at a time. Use the anger I provoked in you as your first step out. We create our situations by where we put our focus. So if you keep banging the drum of being trapped, hopeless, helpless, etc. that is what you will continue to experience. I know I don't explain things very well to you so please take the time to listen to the following video. I promise it will help you.
Thanks for the information.
I admit – it never sank (until now) that doing those things to upkeep spiritual and mental health, is a MUST DO for your survival (and not optional extras, as I thought) - if you are sensitive and have empathic traits.
It’s like discovering you have to re-learn how to be a person again. Deep breath… I have a long term plan to maybe go vegan-ish, as I’ve developed a lot of food sensitivities. It’s happened over years, but got out of control in the last 6 months, with all the stress. So it’s like a total overhaul for me – and I’m wondering how to prioritize and improvise within the limited time/energy/resources I have. How else can I clear the energy in my room without using sage, or without purchasing anything? Does it work if I just listen to wind chime sounds on Youtube?
I never used to believe in karma/fated events, and I’ve left people and places before when I’ve felt the urge to move on. But with this situation, it feels like I can’t outrun it – even if the instinct is to do so, for self-preservation. And I don’t mean that in a way to paint myself as a victim. It’s just how things have played out – it’s totally contrary to what I had been building. I had created my best position (financial, social, emotional etc) I’ve been in my entire life, in a little under 3 years. Most things were on the up and up and self-directed for my betterment. Then it all came crashing down.
I can only surmise that I built these good things on injured and shaky spiritual and mental foundations and a fragmented sense of self. And so the structure has come tumbling down with this stressful rollercoaster situation. I mean, that’s actually a good thing – means I have a chance to rebuild a stronger foundation. It’s just going to take a lot of effort, and time – and fortitude (to not feel discouraged being in the rubble) and finding the right practitioners to work with.
Thanks for that
I cannot open the link. But just saw you reposted, and will check it out.
I’m not angry with you. How can I be, when what I see is a difference in ideologies, for which there’s no way to convince people out of their thoughts? I know from the Abraham Hicks vids I used to watch, that sometimes anger is the nearest thing to hope that you can get. So I don’t view anger negatively, per se. I had been angry at the situation … Trouble is, I went from ‘anger (hope-adjacent) to attacking myself when I saw how I was directing my anger at others. Who didn’t deserve it. It doesn’t work for me to be angry – I don’t know how to contain the energy without it hurting me.
I can certainly understand why you’d get upset. I have used the forums (unwisely) to rant and that does give off victim mentality. That is my fault and I will try to be more mindful. I myself have been angry at people who lamented at their plight but seemed to do nothing. So I get where you’re coming from. But these posts are only a snapshot of what’s going on, and what I choose to share in a moment. They don’t reflect the entirety of how I feel or what is happening. I don’t sit and feel sorry for myself – even if it seems that way. I haven’t had that luxury. I’ve been taking charge of this situation since the start. It’s just gotten out of control, and I’m now seeing my own issues of fragmented identity and values explode too because I didn't have space to deal with both – it’s a lot to handle.
I’ve definitely held myself responsible for getting into this situation. In fact, it’s all over my posts for the last 2 years – at some point, I started to feel like I betrayed myself by (unknowingly) setting the course to disempowering circumstances, and throwing away everything I built. And how I’ve tried and tried, different actions, different ways of viewing the situation, to empower myself. The thing with my sis just provided a different angle. I saw that it wasn’t all me and her actions have aggravated my circumstances. I’ve needed support and proper communication, equal give and take, in this journey, and she refuses to be a partner on those terms. It’s tough for me to work with someone I can’t trust and have no one to talk to about it. I do believe her heart is in the right place, but she’s a still taker and manipulative. This situation exposed that the relationship with her doesn’t meet my needs. So aside from this situation, I will release my ties with her too.
I know you’re trying to help, but I did feel attacked by your response, and misunderstood. When there’s different ideologies at work, our past experiences and perspectives may not apply the same way. Life is rarely that black and white. I’m not trying to stay stuck. But the split in energy/identity/belief in me is so great, that the more I try to convince myself of one or the other, the more I implode. And I feel like I’m being asked to lay down that sword. Both perspectives are important. This situation means something to me in a way that I can’t get rationalize. Even if my instinct is to yank myself from the situation – which I’ve done in past experiences.
I don’t know if you remember, but some years ago, I asked for advice on a new career direction, and we established that I wanted to find something that was more suited to the nurturing side of me. Well I guess it did manifest, after all, in this caregiving situation, just not in the way I imagined. Back then, you said my heart chakra was closed. It has been nearly my entire life. I knew I had an empathic side, but I also strongly identified with being detached. And now everything has changed, I feel things I didn’t, and I don’t understand where or who I am, on this scale anymore. This situation exposed that I’m lacking a strong enough sense of self and identity. I really needed a solid self to be able to carry this cross with grace, hope, faith and trust – like other caregivers do. Right now, I may as well be going mental. So there’s work to do, on healing and integrating my identity. Which will also help me in any future endeavours.
Now, it doesn’t mean that just because I called in this situation, that I should stick with it. Because we are in it, to decipher the parts that resonate, and those that don’t. And to change course accordingly. I do still think that my place is out there to serve in the community, and not confined to this situation. I don’t think the Universe would have put that thought in me otherwise. But I feel strongly that trying to force things to happen is also not the way. This situation is a collective letting go process for the whole family. I’m not the only one involved, and it’s probably fated on some level. I do not have the answers, and I’m going to offer that up to the Universe to provide solutions, strength and the ability to recognize the next steps.
If only Astra, Daliolite, moon50, shuaby etc. would pop in to offer their Point of view!
Hi Danceur, I hope your kitty does not pick up on all the different perhaps at times negative energy surrounding him from different people around him.
Not to forget TheCaptain.
He does – cats are sensitive to energy and they transmute it too. Think that’s why they like to sleep, chill out and go zen a lot.
I’ve received much help and support on this. There’s too many parts and pieces, perspectives and people involved. To be honest, I just need some quiet time, and to just soften the beat. And allow things to play out and listen out for solutions.
Listen to your gut....right on....it is time to listen for incoming help but mostly to be self sufficient and exercise your gifts. Empowerment and taking respectability is your path. You are smarter and stronger than you know......this year is the year to count every little move forward. Unfortunately, it is human nature to see the hugeness of all we need to do. Hard to build momentum on that. Do one small thing a day and before bed bask in that feeling of getting it done. I do that....it helps me feel good about myself! BLESSINGS!
Yup. Love cats and every angel pet in our lives.
What do you mean by 'taking respectability'?
I may adapt your strategy - and try to feel good about doing most or all the things I need to do in a day. Nowadays, it's tough to have the same brisk pace as before or to even multi-task, and I don't want to feel bad that i chose to relax instead of doing.
It was auto correct taking over ; )....I misspelled responsibility so bad it changed it to respectability! I noticed it after posting and thought oh well maybe you'd get it cos yes it sounds very odd otherwise.....unless it stirred something in you...Spirit does do that sometimes..It does help to concentrate on your steps forward for the day. Perspective is the only power we have. The energy that surrounds you is the law of attraction that results from feeling good about yourself....it's a kinder self loving energy so you will attract that same energy to you. It's the power behind the spiritual slogan "choose love". If you dwell on all your lacking or regrets or beat yourself up for all the shortcomings in your life it translates into NOT loving yourself or being kind. But if you celebrate at least one accomplishment it feels good and it nurtures you and that is your wound. You only know how to nurture others but you do not get nurtured and it has to start with nurturing yourself to attract that into your life.