How Do I Fall In Love With Her Again

  • Hi, I'm new at this, so please bear with me. I've been in a committed relationship for 11 years. We've had our ups and downs, but managed to get through them.

    When we first met, we were both affectionate and open. I had met my match and was estatic.

    This started changing when I moved in about nine months after we met. Each time I tried talking about what was going on, I was accused of trying to change her and she kept saying this was just how she was. She'd become moody and closed off. This wasn't how she was when we met. I felt like I'd been lied to. I felt cheated out of something I'd come to love receiving from her. Each time I'd get upset, she'd placate me and we'd go on until the next time I felt her behavior was getting the best of me.

    This went on for years. I even begged her several times for us to get counseling, but to no avail. She'd say she knew what they'd say or we couldn't afford it. There was always a different excuse and a different reason. Why did I stay? I was in love with her and she me. I was given a taste of something early on in our relationship that I didn't want to give up, but yet she couldn't seem to see what I saw in her. We also have a connection that neither of us can explain. I just kept hoping i could get through to her. That things would change. I was in love with her and she was my heart.

    Then I began to get sick and our life really changed. Things went from bad to worse. It was all I could do to concentrate on my recovery. Even though she was there every step of the way with me; emotionally, she had checked out on me. I do understand why, but it hurts no less. She saw me die and be brought back and she was so afraid of my dying that she just shut down. There was also two other times during this time that I almost died as well. I tried to talk to her about what was going on with her, with me, with us, but to no avail. She just shut me out...all because she was afraid of losing me. I can totally understand that, but it has still hurt.

    Unfortunately, throughout this time, she became verbally abusive and said things I never thought I'd hear pass her lips. The things she said devastated my already fragile self esteem and confidence. But being who I am, I tried putting up a good front and just dealing with this. No one ever knew what was going on between us. Everyone just saw that she was there by my side, being there for me. No on knew the despair I was feeling and going through. I tried to keep my smile and my positive attittude through this because I needed to be strong for me so I could get back on my feet. I needed my positive attitude for my recovery. Yes, I'm still recovering and I'm better than I was. I'm also rebuilding and regaining my self esteem and confidence.

    It was my feelings for her that were taking the worse hit. I was hanging by a thread onto the love and feelings I have for her, barely. I didn't have anyone to talk to and when I tried talking to my girl, well, she didn't want to hear it. It was hard and it was lonely, but I somehow managed.

    Before we met, I lived in another state and moved here after I ended a 3 year relationship there. It was a horrible situation and I was able to endure it because of my kids and a very special lady I got to know who worked at the same place as I did. We became very close, spent time together, and really enjoyed each others company. Although she was in a relationship, we connected on a level that I never had with anyone else. We both felt it. Other people would even comment on it. Even though we were close, we were never intimate. I couldn't cross that line, but we did share a kiss one night.

    When I left there, she refused to see me. I kept hoping she'd show up before I left, but she never did. We kept in touch for awhile after I got settled, but with me feeling the way I did about her, I just couldn't continue. So, we lost contact and I buried the feelings I had for her so deep just to go on. I met my girl about a year later.

    I thought that I'd never see or talk to my friend again. I was wrong. I wasn't searching for her, but I found her. She lives in a different state and we've talked on the phone, emailed, and im'd one another ever since. All along, I had told my girl that I had stumbled across her and I had contacted her. My girl seemed ok with this.

    As my friend and I talked about our lives, I broke down and started crying and she wanted to know why. I told her. She was the first to tell me that everything would work out and that I had to do all I could for my relationship. We talked openly and honestly about our feelings for one another and she was surprised at the extent of my feelings, as hers were the same. She asked me to write her a letter telling her how I felt about her then and I did. We both admitted later that we were in love with and loved the other but just didn't know it until we met again and all the feelings resurfaced.

    I did realize one thing during all this and that was that my relationship with my girl was in trouble. I was going to talk to her, but I didn't get the chance. My girl found the email and confronted me with it. I was honest with her and explained to her that what I wrote was how I felt then. We have been on a very rocky road since. She has wanted to try to make me look like the bad guy and blame me for all our problems. I couldn't and wouldn't allow her to scapegoat me when our problems began long before my friend came back into my life. My girl even tried to say that I never told her about finding her and contacting her. It has been a wild ride to say the least.

    When she would throw at me that I was a cheater, I would throw back at her that she was an abuser. She didn't like that, but yet I was supposed to take whatever she and the therapist heaped on me. It wasn't fair, but I listened. My girl has since come to realize that my friend wasn't the cause of our problems. We were the cause of our problems. She realizes that she pushed me away before I got sick and continued to do so when I was sick. We've gotten over alot of hurdes. We've talked openly and honestly for the first time in years. We want our relationship to work. I want our relationship to work. I just can't walk away from 11 years before I give it my all.

    I do love my girl, but I am no longer in love with her. Herein lies my dilemma, how do I get to feeling like I felt before when I was in love with my girl? How do I fall in love with her again? How do I get those feelings back?

    If you've gotten this far, thanks for reading. Any insight and suggestions would be appreciated.~~Ladylioness

  • I am going through a similar situation myself. All I can say is that, relationships evolve and perhaps the best way is not to try and recreate what you had , but just start a clean sheet with her.... start today, find the pleasure in each new moment and enjoy everything she offers now.

    I started texts (sms) to my sweet love and it helps..... you can see if you like -

  • Hi flusty, I am sorry you are experiencing a similar situation and I wish you luck on your journey. Thank you for your response and encouragement. I know that we can never recreate what we had and I hope that by giving us this chance, we can make our relationship even better. I do try to take pleasure in her and every moment we share and what she has to offer, although, she sometimes makes this very difficult. Eternal optimist or fool that I will keep trying. I did try to access the texts you spoke of, but to no avail. I would really be interested in seeing what did. Thanks again~~Ladylioness

  • oops! try

    thankyou, just started another forum on soul mates in the love and relationships bit. xxx

  • Flusty, I did check out you the texts you wrote...not bad at all. I think I may start writing to my girl and emailing her. Won't hurt and may get something Thanks for letting me read your writings. Stay strong~~Ladylioness

  • ladylioness,sometimes the harder you work at a love that is not meant to be, makes it worse. Remember, you fell in love with each other because of who you were at that time. Now, perhaps you have both changed. I speak from experiance, honest. I would not be surprised if there is not more to the problem then what meets the eye. Sounds like she wants to be a free and single girl again. Sorry, sometimes the truth hurts.

  • This will be a bit basic, but I've heard it over and over again from therapists (I couldnt do it). You both have to agree to start over. This means there is nothing in the past that can be considered/referenced and you begin your relationship with a new slate. I wish I could tell you how to instantly fix this, but my magic wand is in the shop. Best of luck to you

  • let me tell you something, I was in a relationship for 11 years. I loved him with all my heart and thought we would be together till the end. I would have told any one that he loved me and would never let me down. But when I became sick with border line ovarin cancer, he let me down big time. I knew if it was him I would have moved haven and earth for him to survie and I knew I would not leave him, I knew when the Doctors told me I would live a long life, I was so happy and I turned to him and the excitement I thought he would have was not there, we went home and he was cold as ice nothing was never the same again,long story short, he was never the same with me again and I knew his love for me had died it was not strong enough to make it through everything we went through, His love was not deep enough for me, it was a surface love, lust or what ever you would like to call it, see real love is when you love the person inside not just the out side, love needs to be strong enough to make it no matter what real love never leaves you to be alone.............If someone can not be there when you or sick or sad or just feeling down........they do not love you and it is not the kind of love you want.......say good bye move on to find true love that will never leave you alone......I moved on and it was the hardest thing I have ever done but I know I did the right thing.......think about it.......move on!

  • I agree. It is hard sometimes to realize how we humans evolve and change and how static our images are to others as well. I can relate with the frustration of wanting to digress to a time when love was alive and passionate , some how trying to deny the present, but ultimately having to accept that it has now evolved to the next step.

  • A counsellor once told me - We never fall out of love - we just get to the point where the hurt outweighs the love. We can only get to hating them if we love them also. Otherwise we'd just walk away before it ever got that bad.

    So, every separated or divorced person out there still basic has a kernel lof love inside for their ex partners. And yet they separate.

    So, just because you still love your partner, that doesn't mean you have to stay with her.

    Just because she hurt you, doesn't mean you have to go.

    Try rephrasing the problem-

    Instead of "how can I fall back in love again"

    try " how can i get over the hurt"?

    and "should I get over the hurt, or move on"?

    Oh, and "is she likely to it again"?

    "could I stand it if she did it again"?

    " do i need more support next time? (god forbid)"

    "do I deserve more support"?

    A blessing on you, to ease your path to enlightenment.



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