Need reading please

  • I put this in the love/relationship section and got no response, so I thought I would try this section.

    My husband and I are going through a divorce because of a horrible, disgusting crime he committed. It has torn mine and my daughter's world apart. He is currently in a detention center.

    Well, this other guy was pursuing me for a while and I kept pushing him away, but I still have feelings for my husband despite what he did (we were together for 21 yrs and never thought he'd do what he did) and thought maybe if I hooked up with this guy I could drown out the pain (I don't want to put my dirty laundry out there, but the crime he committed is one most men in prison get beat up or killed over...and though it may not seem right on my part, but after what he did, I'm sure God accepts the marriage is done, plus this is a no fault state and we are legally separated). I got sucked in bad buy the guy that was pursing me and got hurt yet again. Didn't know the guy had mental problems. He said he was crazy, but we were just silly chatting and I thought he was joking. Well, it turns out he wasn't. He would tell me he wanted my love, wanted me to move in with him, wanted me only, wouldn't hurt me and so on. Yeah right...he has this horrid Jekyll/Hyde personality, and put me through a lot, so we're over and it didn't end well at all.

    I have been hurt by every man I've been with...cheated on, used, abused, treated horribly, you name it. Why? I try to pick out what I think are loving men, but they always hurt me. Is there ever gonna be a NORMAL guy out there for me that will treat me right? I'm certainly not getting any younger and am SO tired of being hurt.

    My birth date is 12-13-68

    Please help. Thank you!

  • Hi GingerWaves, I can sense that you have trouble letting go - of people and situations and dreams. But sometimes things just run their course and no amount of work can make them run properly again. You have many good points such as thoroughness, attention to detail, insight and curiosity. When it comes to yourself however, you can lack awareness and may not realize that you have some erratic habits that not only irritate others, but also stop you operating as efficiently as you might like. For example, you may not know when to back off when an argument is going nowhere or when your point has been made, and will unnecessarily and hurtfully restate your case over and over again. In addition, you may have a habit of procrastinating when something important needs to be done, making life much harder for yourself than it need be. Your life's mission is to learn to move on when situations can’t be mended or your point has been made. Once you have learned to look at yourself as objectively as you like to look at others, your life will become a lot easier.

    Essentially, what you really want is to experience happiness, harmony, fairness, and support with one partner whom you love. To achieve this, you need to be your own partner first. By getting to know yourself, you begin to do the things that bring you joy and increase your level of self-nurturing so you feel strong, confident, and supported. As you treat yourself more fairly, you will feel the sense of balance and justice you seek. Only at this point can you establish a healthy partnership wherein two individuals share equally with each other without feeling debilitated.

    Your Achilles' Heel is a preoccupation with justice ("My survival depends on everyone playing fair with me") This thought should signal that you are on shaky ground. You are very giving by nature, yet your need for justice and absolute fairness is a bottomless pit. You can start 'playing fair' with yourself by not giving beyond a point that feels comfortable, even if you know that nothing will be reciprocated. The trap that you need to avoid is an unending search for an ideal committed partnership ("If only I can find the perfect partner, I'll feel complete within myself"). The feeling of completeness you seek can only be achieved individually; it will not be the by-product of a relationship, no matter how wonderful the partner. The bottom line is that you'll never gain enough approval from others to have permission to be yourself. At some point, you must take the risk and pursue activities that are meaningful to you. Once you go in your own direction, the appropriate people will be drawn into your life to support you.

    Until the age of thirty-eight, you may have felt a need for a practical and realistic approach to achieving your goals; these were the years when you needed to be especially careful not to focus so much on the details that you lost sight of the bigger picture. After the age of thirty-nine (and onwards), you should have reached a turning point when you were likely to want to express your individuality more. This can be an incredibly liberating time for you; you can start to put your personal mark on the success you have already built up for yourself. Regardless of your age and stage in life, however, you need to guard against becoming too demanding and finicky. This is because, when you are able to step back and look at the impressive picture you are painting with your life, you will realize that you have both a lot to be grateful for and a lot to look forward to.

    Love and relationships: in love matters, you are steadfast and sincere and don't normally have a roving eye once you are attached. But your romantic dreams tend to create a gap between your idealism and everyday reality. You want to find true love, but few potential partners are able to live up to your high expectations and dreams. You have a very passionate side and, when it is first unleashed in a relationship, you feel liberated and your partner will feel cherished. However, you need to resist the tendency to put your partner on a pedestal and then wear them down with constant criticism and nitpicking. Once you understand that no one is perfect, you will get your priorities right and place love at the very top.

    You may tend to hang around with all the wrong people, because you try to be a good friend and have a deep abiding love of humanity. It's just that individually, people can be hard to take sometimes. They simply cannot be counted on to return the kindness, empathy and services you're all too willing to render. You want to care and you think you care and yet honestly, you're not really as interested as you'd like to be. All your groups and movements and meetings that seem so important to you, all these 'friendships' and relationships you work so hard to keep up, are really just distractions - they don't/won't give you what you really need, but you can get obsessed with being part of the group or family, to the point that you stay in some bad relationships way too long. They are just distractions from developing a healthy, mature personal life. You want to be part of the in-crowd, the 'cool kids' but the truth is you will never be one of the gang. You probably didn't even fit into your own family. Following your own path will mean leaving the group, not merging with it. You fear being left out or dumped by people you've given your heart and soul to. You must accept your need for intimate romantic love, but still pursue your individual creativity. You must find the courage to express yourself freely, originally, and honestly. You may have to risk exposure, censure, or even expulsion but you have got to stand up and fight. You have to learn to fight if you want to learn to love and not just leave to avoid confrontation.

    There may be an issue in your background with the old-fashioned definitions of male dominance and female submission or with a difficult family history involving neglect, abandonment or abuse. There may be a male/female gender story in your past, which can be the source of some of the problems you may have found in long-term commitments. Maybe you were moved around a lot and never had a stable home life. Your parents' relationship/marriage may have left such a mark on you that you now waffle and waver in many situations that require a commitment on your part, a commitment you are eager to give at first but then back away from or out of completely. Fear of commitment can send you chasing after all the wrong types of partners, people you instinctively sense will be bad for you but who ensure that no commitment to them will last. Deep down, you hope for something to go wrong so that you are not stuck with the situation or person for life. Part of you desires security and stability more than anything, but another part resists that very goal.

    So you will have to work through any lingering animosity, resentment, misunderstandings or other old turmoils from the past in order to rebuild for yourself a sense of stable foundation. You need to express all of your emotions, including anger and resentment, before you can express your love. You don't have to agree with your parents but you do need to bring out any issues into the open and let them know your feelings - and this applies even if your parents are deceased. Talk to them aloud in spirit. By admitting your sensitive, insecure or angry qualities, you may find that you have less to defend, less to prove, and fewer people you have to impress, and this will lead to a greater sense of inner solidity. In your vulnerability, you can find new strength. You can also learn many lessons from your own children. Because you tend to experience a division rather than an integration between your mind and emotions, you especially need to blend emotional intuition with mental clarity. When making a deicsion, ask yourself "What would my calmer, clearest, most aware self do right now?" By trusting your gut feelings, you can avoid confusion in life and love; otherwise you may analyse everything to death. Bear in mind also that the most overwhelming goal is easier and less intimidating when broken down into small steps. I know you get bored easily and hate things that take a long time and a slow, careful process to achieve. You want things to happen quickly, even magically. On the other hand, self-doubt can show you down too much and lead to overpreparation or obsession with one step. But once you create a stable environment, see past insecurity and self-doubts, and find the patience to follow a step-by-step process to your goals, it will only be a matter of time before you reach them. When you come to see relationships as a process of ups and downs, entailing learning, maturation and mutual support, you will come to appreciate them as a challenging form of spiritual training rather than "the same old thing".

    Health: work is extremely important for you but, for your health and happiness, you need to cultivate things that make you happy. You may have a tendency to only socialize with people from work or who you are familiar with; you might feel far happier if you looked to the outside world more for companionship. You should try to cut down on the amount of caffeine and sugar that you ingest, because these things can cause you anxiety and extreme blood sugar fluctuations respectively. Instead, you should reach for fruit, vegetables or a wholegrain cracker. Regular moderate-intensity exercise will also help ease any anxiety attacks and boost your feeling of well-being. Regular check-ups with the doctor should be scheduled, but you should also make sure you don’t get obsessive about your health because this is counterproductive. Wearing, meditating on and surrounding yourself with the colour orange will encourage you to be more creative and spontaneous. Tell yourself over and over "Every day I am more and more at ease with myself and with life."

    2015 for you is all about evaluating the relationships in your life, starting with your relationship with yourself where you may have to let go of old tired attitudes, regrets or fears that aren't serving you. It’s a year where you’ll be required to heighten your sense of responsibility to your home and family environment. Don’t be surprised if you need to take on some added weight with home and domestic or family matters. Embrace it instead of resenting it. There’ll be added tension around how you relate with your close relationships, however. You are likely to find your relationship with those near and dear to you growing ever closer and stronger this year, while any relationship that is no longer of mutual benefit will come under the microscope and may actually end (if it didn’t already end last year). It can be a great year for marriage if you have met ‘the one’. It’s also time to investigate if you feel empowered or disempowered in your home and domestic life. Your energy levels will run high this year, but you should watch for hasty or impetuous behaviour. Remember that haste makes waste. As long as you direct your excess energy constructively, instead of wasting your time in conflict, you can accomplish much. It is a time when you may be concerned with taking care of your home, perhaps decorating, buying furniture, or even finding a new home. It is also worthwhile to consider taking courses that focus on your well-being and balance. If you have ever wanted to paint, sing, act, or play a musical instrument for pleasure, this is also favoured in 2015. In 2016 you may feel more solitary than ever, yet you will be learning how to deal with loneliness and finding out more about yourself and what you really want from life. 2016 will tend to be a quiet, reflective sort of period where you can gain much insight and understanding of who you are. Whereas 2015 will centre around and be all about looking after others - friends and family, and your home. Next year it will be time to look after yourself and your needs and wants. Then 2017 will be your BIG chance for success and material gains. It will be the best year in a while for your career and finances if you are prepared to take educated risks and promote yourself.

    Good luck to you!

  • So sorry for not answering back earlier, been very busy. Thank you so very much for the detailed reading Captain! Wow, you put a lot into that and I really appreciate it.

    You're right about a lot of things. I've been thinking too that I need to step back and work on myself.

    And I LOVE the color orange! 🙂

    Thanks again. HUGS! )

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