For Watergirl - need your insight. Troubled.
If you’re not too busy, may I have reading?
It is mostly about work opportunities in the near future.
I am working on a 6 month contract job which is now coming up for renewal. It will be for a year this time. I feel a lot of trepidation as I do not want to renew but I have not found an alternative. This job has really worked me to the bone. The only saving grace was that people are mostly nice and my boss is someone I can work with, mostly.
The downside is that she’s a real workhorse and I’m not. Although she’s nice – it’s kinda passive aggressive also and I feel out of breath trying to meet her expectations. She doesn't stand up for herself, and that is affecting me. The company is practising a ‘lean’ hiring model which means I’m involved in work outside of the traditional scope of my job. I mostly leave on time – but I have to put so much in to my work day, that I’m overworked, and bordering a little on depression. There have also been family issues that have cropped up and are also creating a lot of tension and stress.
It’s like the Tower Card. These will be the catalyst for major positive changes in the future. But for now, I’m really bending under the weight. I want to find a job that soothes me and matches my energy more closely, and also how my life is evolving. I cannot juggle working at this pace and dealing with the changes in my life.
This is an excerpt from when you did a reading for me 6 months ago:
"Yes, you are meant to focus on doing something completely different. It feels like the job that will be best for you is one that will allow you to be your gentle self. You have been placing yourself in positions where the energy is harder, more on the logical male energy side. This is not a good match for you. You need to be in a softer environment doing something that allows you to use your heart – helping people in some way. Once again, I am being told that you need to get out of your head and allow the guidance to come through. Journal each day about what you would like in your new job. If it were me, I would focus on the overall environment, the type of people you would be surrounded by, etc. I think once you can do this and just keep focusing on it with unwavering faith that it is not only possible but on its way to you NOW, then a partner of some kind will be coming your way. Not sure if it’s just a new boss or if you will actually be in partnership with this person, but he/she will be sent your way."
It is like you said. I’m very weary of the harder, male energy in my jobs. It is wearing me out, and I’m reaching a point where I cannot take it anymore. I don't know if the partner you mentioned is my boss now? I’m grateful for the job and the income and I have tried to be positive about the learning opportunity, but I'm starting to hate everything.
I haven’t exactly been putting out good vibes I suppose. But the idea of a different career path is still so much on my mind. I feel so incrediby restless because I know I'm meant to be doing something else. At the moment, I find it tough to separate the mental stress from looking ahead to the life path that I want and how good that feels. The only recourse I can see is to leave this environment altogether to get my bearings, but I'm wary of the energy I'm carrying - and how I may attract the same circumtances in a new job. What can I do?
Do you see any employment opportunities for me in the next 1- 3 months - outside of my present company - and what would I be looking out for? Is it likely that i have to renew first, before i find a job elsewhere?
Any advice would be most appreciated.
Thank you in advance.
I can try to do a reading for you Friday. I'm a bit rusty and my energy hasn't been that great either - we seem to be in the same predicament at work - but I'll give it a whirl
Thanks Watergirl - I'd appreciate that, if you can.
Sorry to hear that you're in the same jam How do you deal with it?
Just a little update, I spoke to my boss. As I expected, she didn't entirely 'hear' me. Not her fault I suppose. We're just very different. She wants to keep me here, and is willing to make concessions on hours, later on, if necessary. So for now, I think we're proceeding on the renewal, on the basis that I will likely not finish out the term. I feel kinda lost. Staying here is familiar and it staves off financial concerns (for now), but i think it is causing stagnation in me. I've lost interest in being here and I'm also not moving closer, vibrationally, towards my path. It's not something that reduced hours might fix (at least I don't think) - besides she will not be able to manage our workload if I work part-time. I'm tired, stressed and zoned out and I can neither find the focus to deal with important home issues (which will blow up) nor maintain alignment with the feeling of what I'm seeking. Do you know the story of the Snow Queen? I think I feel like Gerda who was under a spell in which she forgot all about Kay, for a time, until she saw the rose on her 'captor's hat, and realized she had strayed off her journey. All except that unlike Gerda, I'm not feeling good or happy.
Spent some time on this this morning and this is what came through...
Your current situation is part of a macro perspective for you on relationships and how you value yourself. You are also going through a learning process on clarity.
You have a tendency to allow others' needs to eclipse your own. Loyalty is one thing, but it can cross a line into allowing your boundaries to be violated and the relationship turns into one of dominance and invasion. Your commitments become one-sided and the longer you hang on, the deeper you get stuck in the mud. This has happened to you in both love and career (our careers are really just another relationship in our lives). I think you have "gotten" this, but work on self-mastery, of self-nurture. Actually right now it would be good for you to be selfish for a while. I pulled a Marie Antoinette card for you - the ultimate selfish woman - but once again for you this is what is required right now. Don't settle for less than what you want and deserve (you must, of course, also BELIEVE you deserve it),
The issue of clarity is also front and center. I think you keep attracting the same situations because you don't really know what you want and your focus is on what you don't want. The Universe cannot provide, that is, you cannot energetically attract what you want if you don't know what it is. Part of the clarity journey is to be open to new things, to synchronicity. This will require you to RELAX and understand that these things don't normally happen overnight with the clouds parting and choirs of angels singing - they happen one step at a time, gradually. Relax your grip - you often think too much and get caught up in your own cycle of worry and anxiety which serves as a block.
Work also on the mastery of clearing the negative/toxic energy around you regardless of circumstances. The ability to keep your energy and vibration high even in the midst of it. Inner vs. outer. It helps to just tell yourself, "I am on my path" which suggests that whatever you are going through, as negative as it may appear, is getting you to where you are supposed to go. Meditation is a great help in clearing your energy, but if you feel you cannot then at least go outdoors to refresh your energy. Find a peaceful place under a tree or by the water, somewhere you can soothe your soul. On really bad days, strenuous exercise will be the only thing that works. I know you love to dance, so do that.
Once your energy is cleared, then you can begin to focus on what you want. Write it down. Then be confident that it will appear and most likely in unexpected ways, Then focus on joy and loving life just as it is right now. Go out with friends - be social and open/vulnerable about what you want. Often synchronicities will occur this way. You say you are looking for a new opportunity and a friend will say, hey, I know of someone that is looking. You get the idea. You may also get signs through billboards or TV ads, etc. If you are truly at peace inside then your guides and angels will be able to speak to you through your intuition. Meditation helps with this as you must be clear of all worry and anxiety for clear messages to come through.
I know I am repeating myself, but be OPEN to these opportunities that come your way...open to doing something completely different. Jump in and try the water without thinking it to death. Lots of learning and clarity occurs through trial and error. You also never know where something might lead - one door leads to another which leads to another....
Detoxify....meditate, dance, go outside in nature
Find Clarity....in those peaceful moments, journal about what you want
Be Open...trust in the process and release worry and anxiety; try new things without thinking
Be Patient...you are planting the seeds which will take time to grow and will need nurturing for that growth; think of the seasons - we are now in spring which is when the seeds are planted, with summer we water and feed the growth, and with autumn comes our harvest; trust the cycles.
Nurture Yourself - think of yourself as the seed that needs nurturing
Find Joy in the Present and know that your harvest will come
So reading aside, some personal notes from me :). I think one of the issues is that you get so bogged down in the negativity at work that you forget to focus on manifesting what you want. So some would say leave the job and get out of the toxic environment, but I know that you will then get bogged down in worry/anxiety about being out of work. Remember I told you when you took this last 6 month gig, that you should take it but only to relieve your financial anxiety and to immediately begin the manifestation process for what was next. So I think the mastery of maintaining your inner balance/peace in spite of your environment came through because of that. Also, from my own personal experience, our "life path" can often have nothing to do with our vocation so try not to place too much importance on that aspect. For instance, I think part of your life path is to learn this lesson of boundaries and self-love in relationship. So your vocation doesn't really matter in that respect. You will find opportunities to learn/master this lesson no matter where you go or what you do, That being said, I believe we should all find fulfillment in what we do. But remember that we can't all be curing cancer, writing award-winning novels, etc. Find your strengths and do something that allows you to use them - that is how you will find fulfillment. Sometimes our strengths seem insignificant so don't brush things aside Are you good at organization? Are you a creative thinker? Are you artistically inclined? Start experimenting with new things in order to find out if you don't know. The first step is to stop going after the same type of work contracts you have pursued in the past as they do not seem to make you happy. Corporate jobs will always require a full work week and possibly overtime and it seems as though you want to work less hours so try a different field. We have also established that you need something softer, more gentle. So talk to people about this and see what suggestions and/or opportunities come your way. And, as the reading said, don't over-analyze when something does come up because opportunities are lost this way.
Okay, I feel like I'm rambling now...
Hope this helps!
Thank you so much for this reading and for all the practical advice. You say things in just the right way, so that I will hear it
Yes I will find a way to quiet my mind more - thanks for the suggestions. It makes sense that guidance is not coming through because I am mired in my negative circumstances. I have lost my way...I was better at maintaining positive energy even in tough situations - previously.
Yes! I have been learning to be selfish for the last few years. I grew up in a family which was not nurturing (putting it mildly) and co-dependent. I also felt a combination of neglect and being terrorized... so I completely get it about relationships being dominant and invasive. My interests were not encouraged. In fact, I was indirectly taught to fear things I didn't know about. That's why, unfortunately I have never had career aspirations, and I lack self-confidence. This (not knowing what I want) is, as you pointed out, a major reason why I seem to be going in circles.
I still have self-confidence issues, and you're right I do tend to analyze and worry. But thankfully over the years, I have also gotten better at listening to the inner voice that is curious and wants to try things. I do believe i deserve good things in my life - in love, in relationships, in a career etc.
I've tried applying for jobs other than the kind I've been doing. Believe me, I've done that a lot. But no one seems to want me. It might be a cultural thing here, that its very difficult to make career switches. People do not look at competencies as much as qualifications/experience. And my age is now a factor too. I've ended up back in the same line of work, in order to survive. But I've reached a point where i can't bear to do it any longer. And it's also harder and harder to find these jobs too. I've tried to find contentment in my work and I am immensely grateful that I am employed. I take pride in what I do. Yet there is no fulfillment, no passion, no exhilaration.
For some strange reason, Dance has the only thing that means something in the way of synchronicity. I often only remember that i started dancing in my 30s. Pretty much forgot that I had an affinity for it in my early teens - and did not have any confidence to try classes even though others noticed my ability. I had also forgotten till recently that I had wanted to study dance after (the equivalent of) high school - and that I got a resounding no from my folks. So... I have run away from Dance, forgotten about it, not had the opportunity to pursue it...and still it found its way back to me. The minute I tried a class 5 years ago, I was a goner. I knew I had to do it.
Right now, my injuries have restricted me to 1/2 classes a week - even then I can have to restrict my movement in order not to aggravate things. I may have told you of this back injury in the past. It's not healing, and it has really impacted my physical fitness and range of motion for the last few years. I have only partially mitigated the injuries with massage and stretching. I wanted to go into all sorts of professions, like teaching dance fitness, becoming a physiotherapist, taking an apprentice program in pilates etc. In the past, I hesitated because of lack of confidence or finances. Now I can't even do it though I want to try so much.
I want nothing more than to try something because I find it interesting, and not care how old I am, if I will be doing it for the next 3 years, or whether I am any good at it. I think this was how it was meant to be for me. That's my true personality, underneath the fear that was ingrained. I think that even if i find my calling later in life than most, I can still be successful at it. But I need to know what it is.
At 35, I am more free-spirited than I ever was, but now I have to weigh financial obligations, difficulties in staying employed, this back injury that's precluding me from the options that I am seeking ... and, because of wanting to let go of toxic family circumstances, I am also coming to terms with having to leave the family home, sooner than expected. Not immediately... not any time soon. But it's a huge shift from thinking I would always have this roof over my head. I used to feel assured that I could let life work itself out...no matter how long it took. But now, I'm starting to waver.
I do understand that it takes time to manifest things, baby steps....and I've seen myself change...attitudes, values, energy etc. But it seems as though the way forward is so dependent on regaining fitness and total recovery from my injury...which I've clearly not been able to do. I only resorted to my own brand of self-care, when visits to and treatments by all sorts of specialists did not work. At my wits end.
Yes I do realize that vocation (career path) and life path may be different. And that I will learn my life's lesson no matter what job I do. I want to find my vocation so badly. Without a semblance of that direction, I find it hard to focus and to move forward (even though there is still a part of me that trusts that things will fall in place eventually).
I feel this huge disconnect that I'm now more ready and willing to try - yet the chance eludes me. That I want to do much more in dance... to learn so many different types/styles, that I could actually find my vocation in a fitness-related profession, and yet because of my back injury, I cannot go forward.
I do not know what to do. Or maybe I do, but I can't. Don't know how to heal myself from this injury.
Oh just to add, I did apply for something different recently. It's like a Job Coach - to teach/mentor people who are unemployed, to help them find a better job, different career paths that match their skills/aspirations better and training (if they need it). I am not a people person - jobs that require such extensive face to face interactions do not suit me. And i also told you previously that I cannot teach - am just bad at it. But i felt some resonance to the role so I applied, even though it terrifies me. I have not heard back. Not sure I will, because of my spotty job history and lack of applicable work experience/personality traits. I think I will be terrified if I do hear back. But this is me trying stuff out because of interest, without analyzing too much or worrying I'll be bad at it. Cross that bridge if I get to it
Is it lower or upper back pain? From a spiritual perspective, lower back pain reflects a fear of money or lack of financial support and upper back pain could mean you are holding back love or feeling unloved or a lack of emotional support (according to Louise Hay). The affirmation she suggests is "I know that life always supports me."
I think the Job Coach position would be good for you. You are more of a people person than you know - you have just been conditioned to fear it. It would be good for you to work through the fear and become more comfortable with it. Release your judgments of yourself at being bad at teaching. There are many ways of teaching and you are limiting your view. Drop the negative thoughts about not having the work experience for the job, spotty job history, blah blah blah. Start catching yourself when you have this inner dialogue and if you can't replace it with a positive thought at least stop and let go of the negative thought - just let it go and watch it disappear into thin air. Release the fear - especially if you get the opportunity - just take it without thinking or agonizing over it. It can't be worse than where you are now so embrace it as an opportunity for a new positive experience.
it's lower back pain. Injured myself in dance and pilates classes about 3 years ago. I felt something go out and it hurt. Faulty biomechanics in my legs/feet are at work too.. Although I went to many therapists, no one found the root cause of the injury (or bothered to) - they were only focused on treating the symptoms. I lost faith in all of that, so I settled on managing the rate of deterioration through massage and stretching. It helped somewhat but I've not recovered and it's starting to get worse again. Have lost a lot of normal range of motion over the years and the alignment in the hip, lower back and legs is just unstable now.
I identify with the spiritual perspective (there has been a feeling of a lack of financial support for most of my adult life). But then there is also a definite physical cause of and basis for the injury.
For all intents and purposes, I have a physical handicap. But in my mind, I still feel like someone who was starting to enjoy the challenge of strength conditioning and the feeling and(with pilates) and the vitality of a fit body.
I have to believe i can recover completely, but i really don't know the way forward in treating this.
Do you have any advice - I'm just at my wit's end dealing with the disconnect. I feel that I would burst forward if I could just get past this blockage.
Yes definitely - if I get an interview for the job coach position, I'll make the most of it.
Danceur, this is brief and may not help much but I asked about your back injury and what you could do, pulled cards and intuitively focused on them...
First there is a message of detoxification. Clearing your body of toxins on a physical level, but also clearing your environment of toxins which could be your home, your work, etc. Clearing harsh energy. Something about absorbing anger...
Second there was a message of finding clarity. Opening yourself up to other possibilities and trusting your intuition to guide you in this process. Have you tried non-conventional healing? Any Eastern modalities? Reiki healing or chakra balancing?
So much came through on clarity but along with it there was a feeling of a need to take action. As if you have somewhat given up and resigned yourself to it.
I think part of the detoxification was also about your intuitive guidance. You have to clear yourself of the harsh and negative energy to be able to hear your intuitive voice. Also, when we get too distracted with worldly/earth realm problems we can lose touch with our spiritual connection. The more you can let go of drama, distractions, and even intense emotions, the more you will be able to find peace which will bring you solutions. So once again, that annoying message of relaxing and letting go even though things may seem dire and with no light beaming at the end of the tunnel! I know it's frustrating..
I appreciate all your advice - it's helpful, believe me.
I had considered some alternative healing years ago when i was first injured, but it's generally really expensive to go to practitioners here.
Physical and emotional detox seem interlinked. If there's any absorbing of anger, it's not only from others acting out in my environment (yes there are toxic ppl and situations), but also anger at my situation - for feeling that I am fragile and do not have options because of my physical condition. This fragile shell is not me - I do not resonate with it even though I have come to accept the situation.
Your message resonates with the earlier advice. I guess you're right. I cannot hear the guidance because there's too much noise at present. I've been reminiscing about the feeling of being fit and attending classes - but I couldn't connect the dots. Perhaps as you say I was being called to take action, but I wasn't understanding the message. And also I think I had resigned myself to my fate even though I was simulateously wishing to get better.
Right now, I've just started on some exercises I found on Youtube. It's to retrain muscle function - which I hope will help me. I'm going at an ultra slow pace, so it's too early to tell if it works. But because it requires focus on body awareness and breathing, it helps to clear my mind too (detoxification) which feels good. I've been missing that quiet space in my mind.
Call this random, but as I started doing these exercises, I thought to myself that I hope I can attend a retreat/workshop one day. They don't have practitioners in my country, so I can't attend classes - but then I just found out that they may be holding an international retreat in a neighbouring country in 6 months. Not sure if this is synchronicity, but it sure feels like it. Spending money is the last thing i can do, especially not a big ticket item like a vacation. But I feel like I want to go, just cause... and I hope I can. I hope it works out.
Sounds like you're off to a good start keep it up. Have you tried any activities in the pool? Seems like the gentle resistance of the water might be good for you. And remember that the recovery or "healing" is always the most painful part so don't let pain fool you into thinking that no progress is being made.
Wish I could give you some answers but I guess sometimes we aren't supposed to have them. I don't really understand anything about my life right now - so much so that I am questioning my spiritual beliefs. We just need to keep moving on, doing the best we can with what we are given.
I think a retreat would be wonderful for you...
You know what - I did! Did a short session in the pool. With my back injury, my balance is altered and I was finding it a bit difficult to coordinate the movements. So I just took it easy and it was really relaxing and therapeutic. Being in the water makes me happy.
I don't want to generalize but it seems to be turning out to be a "year of reckoning" for a lot of people. Questioning of our beliefs and a general uncertainty about things - even things we thought we knew. Intense changes happening beyond our control - some of them life-altering - and a sense of breaking down and rebuilding from scratch. I'm not sure if you relate?
I don't know what to do my about own situation, but I would like to say - don't lose hope, and just take it 1 step at a time. Whatever it is that you're facing, you will make it through somehow. Make room for the unexpected. There is always light and there is always hope, even in the darkest of times
If you can, I hope that I can get another reading? There is someone that I'm attracted to, but given my own circumstances (uncertainty in my life and employment and having to work towards injury rehab), perhaps the time is not ideal for romance. He's one of my group fitness instructors and i take his class occasionally - so I'm kinda averse to being more than a member, although we're both in our mid to late 30s.
But perhaps there is room for a gradual friendship. I met him at the pool last night as I was leaving to hit the showers. And we had a brief chat. Told him about my injury etc, and he was giving me nutrition tips and also extolling the power of positive thinking and the law of attraction. It was a little 'much' but in a way, it was appropriate given the challenges I'm facing.
From previous encounters, I got a sense that he seems curious about me. But he did not make any moves on me. There is something familiar about him although I think we are very different. I was wondering what is his role is my life - if any.
Keep up with the water therapy. I will try to do a reading on him but give me a few days as I need to pull myself out of a slump first or it wouldn't be accurate. For now just remain in the present and don't think too far ahead. He may have appeared to help you through your physical therapy and/or to just be a positive energy influence in your life.
Sure Watergirl - and please do take care.
This is my idea of "Watergirl" with her light
A bit of trouble loading...hope you can see it.
Thank you Danceur. Sorry it's taken me so long - work and family life has been a little demanding. I can do a reading for you tomorrow - do you still want it to be about the guy you met at the pool?
No worries - gotta take care of yourself first. Hope you are feeling better.
Yes I'd still like a reading on the guy (Aries man). I fancy him I guess, though I'm not in a position to advance anything since I rarely run into him outside of class (which I don't attend regularly). In fact, I haven't seen him since the pool incident.
There's someone else, at work, which may have a crush on me (Cappie guy). But I'm not interested.
OK I got a few things this morning...
Number 1 was that you have a tendency to close yourself off - use your "introverted" nature as an excuse to close yourself off from the world. So the message was to open your heart as it is currently closed off (pretty sure I've told you this before).
Second thing was that this guy is a teacher to you (pretty sure that was already said as well), but in more than one way possibly. I got a lot about you detoxifying your body. As if some sort of different dietary plan will help you with your physical issues and that this guy may be a resource for you in learning this. Once again, part of the detox message was about getting more fresh air - being outdoors more. The second part of him being a teacher was more along the lines of your lifelong lesson when it comes to relationships. You need to learn balance. You close yourself off and then become lonely and long for intimacy so when you finally do open up to someone, the flood gates open and you fall too hard too fast. You are a compassionate person, but when you finally do open up to a relationship you allow your compassion for the other to cloud your own sense of self-nurture and protection. They and their needs become more important than your own. You have also shown a pattern of falling for men who ultimately are unavailable - either because they are emotionally unavailable or are involved with another (or many other) women, or both. So tread lightly with this guy. Take it slow and get to know him. It feels like he is already in a relationship or at best getting over one. Use this as a mastery lesson of not allowing your emotions to override your gut instincts. Get to know him as a friend first. I think he has things to teach you with regard to your physical challenges. But be careful of not repeating a past pattern when it comes to romantic involvement.
If he does turn out to be otherwise involved, just ponder on the question of why you seem to be attracted to the unavailable ones and not attracted to the men who are available and show interest in you.
Blessings and Good Luck!
How uncanny - I was pondering the same things yesterday.
You are right - I do see that pattern of being alone till I cannot take it, and then I get attached to people who cannot provide the intimacy I need. But the tricky bit is that I am really a loner and a Hermit - that is my authentic self.
I do have a compassionate streak, but I've also started learning/practising detachment and emotional sobriety.
I'm a bit like a cat I suppose. I only want company sometimes. It's more natural for me to be on my own. So i do know the reason: I am attracted to (and attract) unavailable men because I myself am unavailable.
It does not mean, however, that i want to be alone forever. It may mean that I could be suited for a less traditional relationship - one in which there's lots of space.
The Universe has been sending people (both available and not) and I don't know what to do with them. I have tried spending time with people who express interest and are available. But there is zero chemistry and it feels very contrived. I just don't feel motivated to want more. The guys I'm attracted to have a certain charisma - but then many of them also happen to be 'complicated' or unavailable. I do believe you're right that pool guy probably also falls in this category - so I will indeed tread lightly.
I think swimming is a good first step - and I will try to keep at it. I have been trying to reform my eating habits - but there's still a lot of challenges in this area. In fact, I seem to have picked up a lot of food/drug sensitivities in the last 5 years. My body seems ultra sensitive. in fact, the reason I stopped swimming before is that I developed rashes and breakouts.
You have some very good advice about self-nurture and honoring my instincts. I think this is a lifelong lesson for me.
Given my current life stage (soul-searching, uncertainty), is this as good as I can get - unavailable men?
Is this meant to be the bridging stage?