Friendship ending

  • A very long standing friendship seems to be in "breakup" mode. We've been very close for decades even after she moved to another state and we had more of a long distance relationship. I've never doubted her love or mine for her. We've always had our differences but I have loved her deeply and tried to nurture and support her and accept what I could not understand. She is bi-polar and tends to over react so I've used much self restraint. There has been a lot I couldn't understand due to her altered perspective but the positives always outweighed any challenges. Her response to things has baffled me many times but I have just continued to try to listen be supportive and let her know she was loved. She has the tendency to push people away and now she is doing it to me. I sincerely have no idea what I did but she is furious w/ me and said "she can't deal w/ me anymore" That she's felt we weren't close for a long time. I had no clue she felt that way. Most of this was thru emails so I can understand to a degree how communication can be misconstrued but I looked thru them again and I can't see what I did to trigger this anger. I've told her thus and said i would respect her need for space if I was so"hard to deal w/." What could I say? I was clueless and in truth a bit drained, not understanding all this sudden drama. This was about 3- 4 months ago. I've done my best to wish her well in my heart and try to let it go, not bothered her. But I got an angry letter from her yesterday. My solar plexis still feels blasted open and vulnerable from the shock of it. When she 1st told me she didn't want my friendship anymore and was so angry I had no clarity on why she was behaving so strangely and in truth she scared me she seemed manic/imbalanced. I called her therapist I was greatly concerned and said she was very angry pushing me out of her life I

    was confused by her sudden departure and in her behavior and wanted to give her a heads up in case it was serious. This was months ago and yesterday I got a letter she was furious that i called her therapist even tho she gave me her 3 just for tims like this and spewed out some ugly words but most of all that our friendship is over and she will never trust me again.

  • I apologize but my computer started getting wonky so I couldn't finish...Per what I've said I'm extremely confused since I don't know what I've done to help create this drama and she won't talk w/ me about it. Apparently this skism in our relationship has been happening for her for a while.

    Tarot is giving me mixed signals... but I did get the 3 of swords...sigh...I've decided to not respond to her letter why stir up the muck and do my best to let it go as sad as the loss is. Any insights would e appreciated.

  • I am feeling that the reason you cannot let go and move on is more to do with you than with your ex-friend. Mentally you understand she is bi-polar so you know that her reactions tend to be over the top and unreasonable. Emotionally however, I think you feel hurt that you have been such a good friend to her and this is how she repays you. There is another factor here too and that is your insatiable curiosity, the desire to learn not just how and why things work, but also what makes people tick. You want to know why your ex-friend went off the deep end, if it was perhaps truly something you did wrong. An eternal student of human nature, the issues that most interest you - the meaning of life, the hows and whys of human emotion and behavior - can bring out a tendency to observe and over-analyze, rather than feel or empathize. If you want to understand your present situation, you need to use your intuition and your heart to recognize your friend's emotional and spiritual needs and draw closer to her, not away. If you aren’t able to divorce yourself from impartial observing rather than participating more intimately, you may be prone to sudden and, to your frustration, unexplained bouts of insecurity and sadness.

  • Thankyou Captain. I agree w/ much of what u say. I have tried to empathize, there is alot that has been left to the unknown as she won't talk/work it out/ listen or allow a healing. I would love to draw closer and resolve whatever this is, But how can I participate intimately if she won't have anything to do w/ me. I don't even know what I've done that has triggered this. Yes i do get into my head and have been fighting feeling blindsided, hurt. I'm as accepting as I can be and am trying to let go. I've seen her push alot of people away. Thankyou for responding.

  • You can try and get into her head instead of your own. You are approaching this from your point of view, instead of that of someone with bi-polar reactions and feelings. It is not what you did but how she interpreted your actions or words that triggered this. Once you get past the personal, you can use your more objective intuition to see the truth. Pushing people away is often a test to see if they really will go.

  • I understand what ur saying but she won't let me in or talk to me. I don't believe I'm in my head about this. If I do find myself ruminating in my head I try to let it go do a loving kindness prayer of sorts. It's totally out of my hands. Plus her being bi-polar she does not listen anyway!! I've tried to just be present w/ her in the past and listen even tho many times she confused me and seemed to be very critical of others.I've asked her to explain what happened that I felt blindsided and told her I was clueless to her negative feelings because she never told me. I've tried to explain where she clearly has misconstrued my emails. That has been the difficulty all along, it's always about her even when it isn't.She's angry alot so I assumed her attitude shift was about her exrternal circumstances she was angry about.This all has been her choise. She never told me anything was wrong and apparently this has been going on for a year. From where I sit she is unreachable. Thanks again P

  • She feels that no one understands her and she is right. But she also needs to understand that she does not make it easy for people to understand her. She needs to communicate better rather than expecting people to be mind-readers. But she doesn't like to think she is the problem, just other people.

  • I've surrendered it to the ego wants to jump in at times and 'fix it" but from past experience I know I will just have to allow her to be right stuff my feelings and going thru all the motions does seem like so much work. 20 years ago I had the energy. There are numerous things about her that I love still and will miss but it's out of my hands. I've seen her do this same pushing people away w/ so many others. I've let her have the last word and I wish her well. It is amazing to me tho how one minute someone can be a loving friend and another an angry high maintenance challenge.I'm too busy and have way too many responsibilities for all this drama. Thank you again.

  • Surrender for now as this is out of your hands. You did the right things...including calling her doctor. I've had a bipolar relationship for 45 years.i I can give you both psychic advice and mental illness insight. She is Manic right now and unfortunately once they cross that line they are incapable of knowing it. Bipolar's only are aware of the depressed side but manic never admits fact it is a false sense of power and they see others as having a problem. Beginning mania is a high of energy but after too much serotonin...... the feel mighty chemical, eventually the body gives out.....they do not sleep or eat but run on empty and things go bad.....paranoia, a loss of trust in loved ones and then aggression. You can not argue with crazy. Do not even bother as it will not reach her impaired mind. You are trying to make sense of something that is not logical. It is very hard to know someone's TRUE nature then have a unreasonable stranger appear. Apparently she has gone off her meds. I know how hard it is but you must not take any of this is the tragedy of mental illness. What goes up must come down and all you can do is pray she stays safe until she crashes into exhaustion and depression...THEN her mind will be open for sane conversation. Having to call the doctor on a loved one always makes them very angry....but later they are so grateful knowing you would do that for them. Right now.....her illness is showing full swing and no one can possibly have a relationship with her as she will be angry, aggressive, paranoid, very self centered. You can not fix her. The best you can do you already did and in the future after she has her intervention and gets stable THEN you can discuss what went wrong and how she can create a future plan. Often all it takes is one missed med dose or some stressful event. . It is nobody's is what it is. Her illness WILL eventually attract an not feel helpless or guilty and step away and just pray. BLESSINGS!

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