Need Advice on Empty Nest Capt or Bluemoon
Hello Capt and Bluemoon
I haven't been able to post in awhile as it has been a very rough year. To many deaths with family and friends. But the worst is my youngest child has left for the military and I am a mess. My house is now empty and quiet and I am so lost. I was wondering if he will be ok now that he is starting the next chapter in his life & if this overwhelming sadness for me will pass quickly. his birthday is 5-13-96 thank you
peace and blessings
Your only power right now is PERSPECTIVE. When life around us leaves us feeling out of control and even unsafe it is our thinking that remains our choice. An empty nest never really goes away completely.....even as your children age as mine have, into adults with their own children, you will always have a day of missing a full nest if you did truly enjoy being a mother and basking in all that unconditional affection and love. Being a good parent requires much surrender. If you can accept change as having a positive side you will adjust easier. I sympathize with you very much, I raised 4 sons ......and still surviving the passing of one. My sons were born during the Vietnam years and I prayed nightly that when they came of age there would be no war or draft! I prayed a lot of things!! No motorcycles please......no wrong relationships and broken families and lost grandchildren,,,, but really, our children each have their own path to follow and hard as it is we must find a way to be there for them but not let our fear burden their lesson learning. I often could see clearly down the road for them with clarity but i could not save them from living out their lessons. In the early years of my sons leaving the nest I stressed a lot and it took me a lot of personal work to get to a place of letting the conflict go, and just enjoying them as is. I am honest with my feelings but I never hold on to them if in conflict with a son.They will avoid you if you can not just love them and accept hem in the moment. Over the years my empty nest has refilled!! Children often come back for awhile when their lives need regrouping. They leave, they come back, they leave, they come back. My rule was it was ok as long as they were making progress. I feel like you...the worst time was when my youngest left, madly in love with a girl who would break his heart, he quit college...just a break he called it. The youngest child tends to be momma's boy. I was a mess. I had so much emotional fear and pain I ended up redoing my whole house! His brothers smiled every time they dropped by.........I changed furniture room to room...painted the whole house and specially remade my youngest son's room into my room. In other words, you have to release your energy, positively or your health and sanity will suffer. You can not go numb and ignore your emotions but you can release and redirect. You can also see the possibilities for you, how can you take advantage of this freedom.......the other side of loss. You have an empty space......what can you fill it with?. Mothers get stuck in giving, sacrificing but that can not last. You need to be a woman again...not just a mother. This is not an end all...just a shifting of change. Looking at your son's birthday I hear LUCKY man. He has a very lucky birthday. Luck follows him. Because of this influence he feels a strong sense of being safe. He is not a worrier. He has a strong stubborn streak of knowing what he wants and doesn't waver. He has leadership qualities but he lacks life experience........he assumes the world to follow logically, his black and white perspective will learn about gray areas the next few years. I know you see his naive side but that is true for most youth. He will get his lessons first time around.......that is a blessing. He is not afraid to examine himself. He can be very analytical and has an inner voice that says, buck up camper.. He has always felt a need for purpose......he sees himself as standing out. He can be a tad unsympathetic with those that wallow in self pity but that will lesson as he gets closer to knowing what drives other's lives, their wounds and roadblocks. He will be more aware how lucky he is to have the mind heart balance he does. The strong sense of himself. For you, it is time to except change and not get stuck in loss. As he starts his new journey, you must still be the mentor and show him how to positively behave as an adult facing loss and change.....you are STILL mothering but on a different level. Grown children are still affected by their parents behavior......they still need you to grow so they can grow with you. I wish I had learned that earlier that as we heal, grow and free ourselves, our adult children feel the shift! Someday your children will be facing their own losses.......right now you can show them how it is done!!! You do what you would hope they would do. Get busy, embrace the unknown as full of possibilities. BLESSINGS!
good morning bluemoon
Thank you for the wise words. I never thought it would be this hard to let go. I know it is good for him being in the military he already has his life mapped out including detours. He is very analytical about what he wants and how to achieve it. I learned a lot more about him by watching him with his great aunt on her birthday. It was totally amazing how caring he was as he hardly shows it. Also listing to his close friends I found out he was mentoring a young boy (13 yrs old) who was having family problems. I thought to myself what an awesome thing to do as most 18 yr olds are thinking of themselves and having fun.
It has been so long thinking of myself and you are so right about the unknown journey I will be like rediscovering who I am and what I want to do now that I have all this free time. According to my tarot reading I did for myself last month it said September would be a month of big changes and boy has it!!!!
well I am off to finish the household chores and finish cleaning up his room and I might even get some paint samples for later today to figure out what to do with his room
Thank you so much for you comforting words and I will keep you posted.
Love light & laughter with may blessings
Hello Bluemoon hope you are feeling better.
I wanted to say thank you for your advice. It has become easier with the house being empty and I am no longer crying at every turn. I have been staying busy with cleaning and yardwork but I still cant figure out what I want to do. I feel lost I also have been meditating with Deepak but I still feel lost.
Maybe it is the way it is supposed to be to give me time to adjust. my honey doesn't seem to get this even when I try to explain.
You must honor your feelings. But not drown in them ...and you are managing that. You are grieving still during your empty spaces of down time. Your transition is towards , dreaming and visions to replace the loss until it becomes less frequent. October will be much better for visions so have patience with yourself. And no, men don't get it usually! Since, motherhood can bring with it a lot of self sacrifice......you may have long detached from your wild self....the time consuming joys that motherhood finds selfishly indulgent. A lot of chores and duty come with motherhood and by the time the peeps leave the nest you have gone a long distance from your singular dreams and visions. Playtime and adventure. Be open, yet don't push it. October is the month for visions and intuitions. It's OK to just be alone.......without a service to make you worthy. You are not stuck at all. Be patient. BLESSINGS!
Shadowmist, you have only known yourself in the role of 'mother' for a long time. Now you must switch to seeing yourself as a person and an individual with her own needs, rights and interests to pursue too. Remember what you were like before having a family and build on that. You don't have to forget your children of course but you do have to let them go and be free to live their lives on their own. Transition from 'mother' to 'friend' and 'adventurer'.
Hello Capt It was so hard to let go this time. I know he will be ok and he has a plan including any detours for his life. I am adjusting and starting to remember what it was like when I didn't have my children. I have a few projects for the yard that I will be working on once the rain stops. I am going to build a patio from recycled materials that is the big project.
Good for you!