Another needing advice about Cancer man!

  • Hi all I am new to this.

    I have been reading with great interest the information regarding Cancerian men and I am shocked at how accurate the observations are, regarding my own life and situation.

    I am a Taurean woman (moon in Aries, Acquarius rising) and I am involved with a cancerian man for the first time ever. I usually attract fire signs. Please forgive me if the post is long as I try to explain my dilemna!

    I started talking to my cancerian man online last September/October, we 'met' through an online dating service. He contacted me, we moved to MSN, then he rang me and we had a laugh on the phone. He wanted to meet up but I wasn't keen. I was convinced that he was a bit of a player and he had told me he sold his flat and was living with his Mum at the age of 41 and to be honest I didn't really believe he was living at home.

    He was flirtatious but not overly so. I kept things quite casual but would not commit to meeting up. We spoke a few times after that on MSN (before the end of the year but I did not have internet access at home then so it was sporadic contact) then in January he started contacting me again more frequently, by text and on MSN.

    During this entire period I was dating other people and telling him so and he kept asking what was wrong with him and why I wouldn't give him a chance. He also said he wanted to prove to me that he was not the way I thought he was.

    In the end, I met up with him at the end of May and spent a weekend at his house, his Mum was away and he did live at home. We drank together, talked, ate and generally connected. We both felt we were on the same page and we both said we wanted to experience emotional intimacy and a healthy relationship.

    From then on we were an item. It was quite intense and at times dramatic. He is a bit of a drama queen. From the start we opened up a lot to each other and would spend hours and hours talking. We have spent every weekend together since then, mainly at my house.

    However, it has been up and down, with quite a few intense arguments. He has been obseessed with hearing all about my exes and relationships and he constantly talks about his exes. I tried to tell him that so much emphasis on the past didn't seem healthy.

    When we first started dating we were both on the dating site still, but he was constantly checking my profile to see if I had been online. After a couple of weeks I told him I was taking myself off as it wasnt appropriate if we were to carry on together. He said he would take himself off but then he found his subscription went on for another three months and he didn't delete his profile. We had a discussion around why he would keep it there and eventually he removed it! I feel that he needs a constant ego boost and attention from women, but he denies this! I also think he took his off only because he didn't like me still being on there.

    He also had issues with other guys who were in contact with me, old acquaintances etc. whom I had never slept with or been involved with. As I am open I told him about texts I got, if he questioned them. He felt that the flirtatious nature of the men was inappropriate and disrespected him so we had a chat around MSN and text and I told him I had no need to talk to these people and would ignore their contact as I didn't need an ego boost. He then told me that some girl he had dated had asked him on MSN to be a f*** buddy after he had told her about me. I told him that this was more disrespectful than the comments he didn't like from my male friends and also told him that I felt it was more meaningful as they had dated and slept together in the past. I queried why he felt the need to keep on MSN all these women he had met through dating sites and he said that he only spoke to them as friends and he set boundaries and told them all about his relationship with me. I felt that he was ignoring the real agendas there and told him so. This conversation ended with him deleting the girl who asked him to be F*** buddy and every other woman from the dating site (tho not all friends as I am not suggesting he shouldn 't have female friends) and me doing the same. He made a big ceremony about this but I was on the other side of the room so I didn't really see what he was doing.

    He has told me he loves me, he is in this for the long haul, he has never opened up like this before etc. and a couple of weeks ago he confided something very serious from his past, which I know required trust and which I would not repeat. However, I find his behaviour secretive and closed a lot of the time and when he has been drunk he has told me he can't love and that he just really really likes me. Plus, I have seen that nasty side verbally that others have talked about and there seems to be a dramatic situation at least once a week.

    As he only works two days a week and I am currently off work he has been spending days at a time with me and in the most part we get on, have a laugh and he can be quite nurturing. BUT there have been three serious situations where I could have done with him next to me and he hasn't been there, making excuses each time.

    He has made excuses not to meet my friends and family, at the moment, and I have not yet met his Mum and Stepdad either. He told me that he fears his Mum and I will talk about him!

    When I have pointed out things to him he has taken them on board. I mentioned that he seemed to have got very complacent in a very short time and all the passion seemed to have dissipated. He responded by becoming more romantic, buying flowers etc. and also we have started to go out more together.

    However, when we are not together I have no idea what he is doing, I don't even know when he works. The secrecy is strange and I have brought it up several times, and he has denied it! I just openly mention anything I am doing and I find it odd that he doesn't. I also find that he often contradicts himself with things he says and is not that consistent. He keeps telling me he is committed to the relationship but I feel that he tests me on occassion, one time finishing with me then backtracking, when we had a disagreement. I feel that his actions don't match his words.

    After we had the conversation about being in contact with other people who could have agendas I kept my word to him and did not responds to texts etc. nor enter in to dialogue with any of the men he had an issue with. A few weeks ago he received a text from the girl, I will call her Jane, who had asked to be his f*** buddy. I asked him why she would text and he said that he couldn't help her texting him and that he would do what I suggested and not respond. The text merely said "hi, how are you?"

    Then on the 14th August he rang to say he had an appointment near to the motorway and would probably come to see me earlier than usual. Casually I asked what the appointment was and he faltered and hesitated in answering then told me it was just work and he had to drop something off.

    It seemed strange as I was just making conversation with him but his response to a direct questions set the alarm bells ringing. He has always told me he will answer anything if I ask him.

    There is so much I could say but I can't or I will be typing all day and boring the readers of this post. He does text me and call me most days when we aren't together and he is still spending a lot of time with me.

    In the middle of the night on the 16th of August, when he was sleeping I woke up thirsty and couldn't sleep so I went in to my lounge with my drink. His phone was there, as it often is and I have never, ever looked in it before. I picked it up and was playing around with it and then found myself in his call log. I really hadn't been intending consciously to pry but once in there curiosity got the better of me. I looked and I found two calls to this Jane, one on the 12th August (when he had left me earlier that day) and one on the 14th. I then looked at text messages and found several to and from her going back to July. As soon as he had left my house, after the "hi, how are you?" message he had responded to her! The hypocricy of his actions left me furious.

    Admittedly the texts weren't flirty but one of them said "can't meet you today mate" and she must have asked where he was and he answered with a town name. It was on a day that he was with me and it wasn't the town I live ink, so he lied to her too. He had clearly not stuck to his own boundaries!

    I also found texts to a couple of other women who I have never heard of, one said thanks sexy and a few calls to women I had not heard of either.

    At this point I wanted out the relationship. It was five in the morning and I went and got his clothes then went in to the bedroom and woke him up, telling him that I had looked in his phone. He was really shocked and worried. To cut a long story short, he said this Jane has been a friend for a long time and that she had serious problems, explaining another of his texts which read "hi, haven't heard from you for a few days, are you still alive?" and she had been hospitalised by her violent son.

    I asked him why he had not mentioned any of this before and he couldn't answer. I told him that he and I knew she had an agenda and as he had asked me not to be in contact with certain guys he knew I had an issue with this particular female because of her comment about being f*** buddies when she knew about me (supposedly, lol)

    I then asked where his boundaries were in telling her that he couldnt meet that day, implying he would meet another time. I told him the issue I had was with the lieing and going behind my back and he said he was trying to avoid a situation but had created one in doing so. I put it to him that he needs adulation all the time and he denied this but said he likes people to like him and he finds it difficult to say no to people. I felt totally betrayed.

    He jumped out of bed and got my phone and started looking through all my messages, trying to find evidence that I had done the same thing. All he found was that I had stuck to my word, since our discussion and not engaged in contact with any of the men. Furthermore, the messages that were there before clearly stated about my relatiionship with cancer man and set firm boundaries. He was a bit flummoxed to find all that out.

    The girl he had written thanks sexy to is apparently a friend he has had for 7 years. Another person I have not heard of.

    He offered to go home, as I was icily calm and just asking him the same questions over and over again, as his answers were not adding up. I told him that if he wanted to run away to go ahead but he stayed and the conversation went on all day.

    He eventually admitted that his conduct had been bad and apologised and told me it was up to me to decide what to do as he is the one who has cocked up. He also wrote a text to Jane saying "I am with my girlfriend at the moment and she is not comfortable with me and you being in contact, even though we are just friends. She is right, given the history between us. I love my girlfriend very much so I will not be able to be in contact with you again, sorry." He ummed and ahhhed about the wording but I wouldn't get involved. He said he didn't want to hurt her feelings but he did send the text.

    Then he got all clingy and made me promise that I wouldn't now mess around with a man to get back at him. As if! lol

    I told him, eventually that I was willing to forgive it all as everyone deserves a second chance and asked him what he was going to do differently. He said he was going to be more open and involve me more in his life and tell me what is going on etc.

    He kept saying to me "you must really love me" and commenting on how calm I had been.

    But then that night and the next day he kept telling me to think about it for a few days. He said I was in shock and I might suddenly think "cancer man is a ba**** and I am really upset at how he has treated me" and he also told me to talk it over with my friends and see what they think!

    I said that they were bound to think badly of him and he said that was ok, he needed to take responsibility.

    I felt like he was almost trying to push me to finish the relationship. He left Tuesday and he rang me Tuesday night but I was out with friends so I didn't answer. He has text a few times. I did get angry again and challenge him by text after taking his advice and discussing with my freinds, who all said he was acting like a player, amongst other things. Yesterday he text and sent me an email link and was texting last night but did not call me and today I have heard nothing at all from him, although I did text him this morning.

    He is due to come to see me tomorrow night. Sorry for this long post but I am confused and I wondered if anyone could shed any light on his behaviour and how I should now handle him.

    Many thanks xx

  • I have dated 3 cancers before, and my lastest guy was a Cancer and he had gotten me confused. But what I know from them is that once they start liking a girl and if they know that the girl is already seeing another guy or has a boyfriend, they will give an ultimatum to either ditch the boyfriend or give up on the cancer. They have trust issues, they will test their girl to see how they would react. I know, one of my ex's did this to me. He was attracted to asian women, and he would point out "She's asian" all the time to see if I would get jealous. They want to see if you are committed. They will sometimes go out of their way to cheat on you to see if you would leave them or not. I know its so stupid and immature, but it's them what can you do. Yes, they usually go back to their 'shells' when they are feeling insecure, and that's a big problem for me understanding them and that confuses me still. But that's all I know and can give for advice, I hope it helps a little.

  • Thanks Squabull, that did really help. Aren't we supposed to be compatible with cancerian men? lol. At first I thought it was really positive that he was a cancer.

    3 of them? Did that make you go crazy? Looking at the posts it seems cancer men invoke more comments and issues than any of the other signs, lol.

  • Hi guys,

    I can't beleive this, it seems like we are all dating the same guy.

    I started dating a Cancerian man 3 months ago and it was perfect. At first I didn't want anything with him, but he persued me and persisted until I gave him a chance. I've known him for about 6 years, but never really noticed him as boyfriend material. Anyways, so everything is going perfect, he's sweet, loving, passionate, takes care of all my needs, my kids love him and then BAM.......out of the blue...he is distant...when we talk he's cold....he would sometimes give me look that made me think (Did I kill his mother?????) I kept asking him wat was wrong and he always answered "nothing" . I think I must have done something to upset him. I left him alone for a while until one night I went over to his place. He had to go out for a while and I waited for him at his home. (Just a reminder, he is still acting distant and cold...) When he arrived and saw me sleeping in his bed, he laid down next to me and all of a sudden, he grabs me and starts kissing me and telling me he loves me!!!! At this point I'm like" WTH" So we make passionate love like never before and the meanwhile he's asking me if I missed him and how bad I missed him, If I was his and all that type of stuff. I'm asking him why he made me fall in love with him if he was going to leave and he said he never left me. That night we cuddled and everything seemed right again. And now he has dissapeared again, can someone tell me what the hell is going on! He told me yesterday that he needs to talk to me, I think he's ready to tell me what's bothering him. But my point is if he doesn't want to be with me, why doesn't he just leave me go already instead of going and coming back all the time.

    Sorry for the long story.........Help please!!!!

  • Hi Chitkin

    These cancerian men certainly seem to be a breed of their own! I read elsewhere on the site that cancer men do the disappearing thing and that they struggle with commitment and trust issues, they don't seem to want to commit but don't want to let you go either. Maybe that is the problem with your guy.

    I think that cancerian men or not perhaps they are going to respond to a little distance from us. The treat them mean and keep them keen philosophy. My guy has now texted a few times today telling me about a film he is watching! But he hasn't called me.

    I read a great book called 'why men love bitches' and the author described a bitch as a babe in total control of herself.

    As on other posts people have said that cancerian men set these little traps or tests then how we respond to them must be key. I would advise you to keep your cool, limit contact with him and respond coolly when he finally tells you what is bothering him. He may try to call your bluff.

    I do believe we teach people how to treat us. If you stay cool it will make HIM wonder what is wrong.

    If my guy turns up this weekend I am going to be sweetness and light and not even mention his odd behaviour of the week!

  • Thanks Bohemiangirl....

    I guess I just have to take it easy. I'm a Taurus and sometimes I just want to scream at him, but I know he doesn't react well to that. I try to play hard to get and ignore him, but it doesn't work, he just ignores me more and I end up screaming at home. Last week we were not talking to each other and I went to a bar where he plays pool. When he saw me , he acted like I wasn't there and started greeting all the girls there...I was ready to blow..but I ignored him all night...I saw him pasing back and forth the whole night walking in front of me..I guess he wanted me to aknowledge him, but I stayed strong..even though I was crying when I went home. I love him, but don't think I strong enough to endure this tes. Is it a test? I don't kow anymore.

    Chikitin with love....

  • Chikitin, another Taurus eh? lol

    I was really excited when I first realised mine was a cancerian as I had always read that Taurus/Cancer is a match made in heaven! I wasn't anticipating the problems, that is for sure.

    You have been dating yours around the same amount of time as me with mine.

    I found that mine does not react well to screaming either and he frustrates me so much I really want to shout at times. In fact, I can speak quite reasonably and he accuses me of shouting! This sensitivity of theirs is really extreme. And god forbid you point out a flaw or a piece of bad behaviour, you are then accused of giving them horrendous insults.

    Well done for staying strong when you did. My cancer man did say to me that he likes me because I am a challenge. So, that does seem to contradict what I read about other cancerian men. But I still think that there has to be a line to draw with making them feel safe, letting them know they are loved etc. Why should they get all that attention when they are behaving badly?

    I think they all seem to play these little games. My one knows he is in the wrong with his behaviour and he has been caught out, lol. He is maintaining contact but is acting differently and I think that is because he has lost face a little bit. For someone always lecturing me about honesty, boundaries, how people should behave when in a relationship etc. he was the one who didn't adhere and he knows it. The other night via text he told me to just go if that is what I wanted. And if it happens again I will be willing to walk away, after reading posts on this site from women who have put up with this behaviour for years and now regret it.

    Your guy is certainly acting in a confusing way. When is he coming to see you for this 'talk?'

  • Hi ladies,

    I am not good at giving advise, but feel i need to reply on this tread. I've been dating this oh so sweet wonderful cancer guy for nearly five months when he sends me on an emotional rollercoaster.

    The ideal advise would be to run... run and never look

    In they beginning they ALL are so loving, caring, attentive.. being the perfect gentlemen. By the time they start with their games, it's already to late for most women to simply walk away. I have been through all of that. The first time round, he was so sorry.... couldn't apologise enough. I've been stupid enough to believe all of that. To cut a long story short.... Just like Chikitin's guy, also told me i'm his, am a one woman man.... blah blah blah...... The week after that, he starting his ignoring BS again. Being a Taurus too, plus a very busy and demanding job... i do not have the patience for crap. I don't like playing games, am honest and straightforward. I totally lost my cool this time round. Have to admit i am not proud about the mails i have send him. I regret my actions later on, apologised and tried reaching out to him. Needless to say, no reply whatsoever. Now, more than three months later he is still ignoring me.

    It sure wasn't easy, but today, looking back i'm still confused about the way they run hot and cold all the time. The one moment you are their all, the next it's if they never knew you.

    One thing i have learned... actions speak louder than any words. Keep on living your life.... believe in yourself. Do not let them treat you like a doormat, and that goes for every man... not only cancerian guys.

    I'm wishing you the best of luck.

  • Hi Taureengirl

    Thank you so much for your advice and you are good at giving it, lol!

    I was reading lots of threads about Cancerian men before I posted and one of them had your story in it, when you were going through it all. I could empathise with that confusion and anger.

    How on earth Taurus is supposed to be compatible with cancer I don't know because Taureans are known for being direct and saying it how it is. And that is obviously too much for those poor sensitive souls, lol

    You have done really well and you have moved on and what you say is spot on. The key is not to let any man treat us like a door mat.

    I am not going to run at this stage, lol, bet you knew I would say that! But I am also going to cool right down with him and assess the situation. Any sign of bad behaviour and I will walk away and I know I will have to resist that urge to have contact with him in any way, if that happens. I guess the ignoring thing is the hardest to bear (he hasn't ignored me yet!) because it is so insulting that a man can act as if you don't exist, given all the bs they have said and the so called cloesness you have experienced together.

    You seem a lovely person, so if you have not found another partner yet, I wish you all the luck and I am sure with your karma you will find somebody worthy of you.

  • OMG YES! Watch their actions. And Chikitin I started dating mine 2 months ago, and mine broke up with me unfortunately, but the reasons I know why. Although having an aries mercury I knew how much I wanted to scream at him for playing games with me and ignoring me. And thank you again Taureen for the answers, even if he didn't want to be with me I know he still loves me and hopefully one day he will find himself of what he wants and is looking for and open up again.

  • Hi Guys,

    It's me again and Bohemiangirl, no he hasn't shown up for "The Talk" What is waiting for??????

    Can someone please tell me what is he doing? I'm so make matters worse...I think I'm pregnant! Yep......Not that I have a problem with having a baby, but i don't know if I'll be trapped in this relationship if I am. I called him and he said he was at work, I explained to him that I'm feeling sick all the time and in like 5 minutes after we talked on the phone, he came by and dropped off a pregnancy test!!! He drove off like speedy gonzales after he gave it to me. Don't know what to think of that, I didn't even tell him I thought I could be pregnant.

    I haven't taken the test as yet, want to wait this week to be sure I'm late. So now I'm really deep in it and I'm still waiting for him to have this famous talk with me......Girls please give me some insight in the way he's acting...I'm loosing it......Love, Chikitin

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