Need Some Reassurance
I don't know if I want to go into what's been happening to me, since I feel I've talked it to death with other people, but right now I'm feeling a little anxious about how to deal with just focusing on myself until the situation sorts itself out. I've had a good friend whose very perceptive tell me that it'll work out in my favor in the long run and that I ought to just be patient. That's my problem. I'm not a patient person. I go from feeling very confident and even happy, to wanting to breakdown multiple times a day. My little sister's wedding is coming up, and I don't want this to put a damper on her big day. I do have some major projects I'm getting ready to work on for her wedding and hope it'll help. I guess I'm just searching for more reassurance or practical tips on how to handle my emotions. I've looked into meditation, but I fear I won't be very good, especially since I need something that'll help me 24/7 instead of just a half hour to wind down. If anyone can help me, I would greatly appreciate it.
Meditation doesn't just benefit you while you do it, Stephanie. The calming relaxing effect continues throughout your whole day as long as you keep it up. And there are no good or bad efforts at meditation. Everyone finds their own way. Don't set yourself up for failure before you try something. You can find a teacher like I did if you don't want to try meditating on your own. If you can daydream, you can meditate because it is a form of daydreaming, of drifting into another form of consciousness.
Yes, your impatience is causing you some problems - you miss out on enjoying your present when you are always looking to the future. You miss the opportunities that are right in front of you. When you are always watching what others are doing, you don't see or appreciate the good things that are happening in your own life. Your big challenge is feeling that life is moving fast enough to satisfy you, and you do this by focusing more on the spiritual aspects of your life; this will help you move into the deeper, more profound aspects of yourself. You need to focus on your strengths and blessings, not on what you don't have or see as weaknesses. You must never compare your life or personality to anyone else's because we are all different and all have different roads to follow.
You have so many things going for you, Stephanie. You possess the vitality and ambition to be successful in creative endeavors. You move fast and usually prefer to be in the exciting thick of battle rather than sitting on the sidelines. You tend to aim high and, even if things don’t always work out exactly as planned, your jovial optimism and tragicomic sense of humor act as a buffer, providing you with a resilience that is second to none. You are a great debater and conversationalist because you can see both sides of an argument or situation. You are more daring and adventurous than you realize. As you get older, you are becoming more pragmatic and rational, with a desire for a life that is still very fast moving, but slightly more settled and orderly. Your greatest strengths are to be found in your creativity and courage, and in your generosity and empathy toward others. These qualities result in a rare, interesting and talented individual who can be counted among the most dynamic, but also the most understanding, of all people.
When it comes to love, you top the charts in almost every area, from devotion to romance. You are attracted to creative, hard-working people who know their own mind and who are not afraid to open their hearts and express their inner feelings. The only downside is that you don’t tend to thrive in relationships where there is constant harmony; if things are going too well, you are not above stirring up trouble to keep the adrenaline pumping. If you want to attract the perfect partner, you will need to find someone who is both exciting and yet can ground you.
Your need for escapism, if not disciplined and channeled, can make you vulnerable to recreational drugs, drink and other addictions. It’s vital for you to find activities and friends that help you keep both feet on the ground and retain a sense of perspective. As far as diet and exercise are concerned, you should avoid excess of all kinds. Your diet should be as varied and interesting as possible to decrease your chances of nutritional deficiency, and a multivitamin and mineral supplement may be a good insurance policy when you are on the go. An exercise routine is advised, but since you are unlikely to stick to it, getting as much fresh air and outdoor activity every day as possible is a more realistic goal. Wearing, surrounding yourself with or meditating on the colour green will balance your up-and-down moods and emotions and help bring a feeling of calmness. With self-discipline, patience and humility, you can find the sense of balance you are seeking.
Since 2014 is a year that for you focuses on career, business and material matters, make sure you are doing work that interests and inspires you. I have always felt you repressed or hid your desires and personality to a certain extent and held yourself back. Your nature inclines you to be a born film-maker. You are also well suited to a career as a teacher, scientist, social worker, or working in the caring professions, although your adventurous spirit may draw you to occupations that involve risk, such as the army and secret services. Your debating skills might attract you to politics, sales, business, philosophy or psychology. The theatre or cookery would appeal to your inherent flamboyance. If you hold yourself back or repress your personality, nobody will ever get to know the real you. Use that innate courage and take some risks in every area of your life. Do what you want to do, not what you think you should do or how others are doing it. The breakdowns you might feel you are having may just be your true nature and desires trying to 'break out' and find expression.
When you said my breakdowns may just be my true nature and desires trying to 'break out' and find expression, that really hit home (along with so much of what you said). I don't mind a little routine, I just don't want my ENTIRE life to be a routine. While waiting for this current issue to resolve, I feel like the only thing I'm allowed to do is throw myself into a routine, which has always been difficult for me, at best.
This is why the person involved, the one I'm waiting on to see reality, is someone that I wish to keep in my life. He can absolutely be spontaneous but at the same time has the focus to see something through. Trouble is, he has the tendency to cut me off with little notice of what's actually going on. As I said, a good friend of mine looked into the situation and has given me confirmation that it'll only be a matter of time before his little fling with the exotic will end (long story, but it involves getting over an ex).
There has been serious miscommunication between me and him in the past, which led to the current predicament where I can't beat him with a virtual stick into giving me the time of day. Yes, after saying some incredibly stupid stuff to the point where he got angry and nearly cut me off for good, I severely backed off and told him what I've been going through (past issues rearing their ugly head and bleeding into the situation). I've limited my contact, but it's hard. Again, I'm impatient.
I haven't given up the idea of meditation, I just don't know where to begin with it. My problem is having bouts of depression. My latest bout was triggered when he cut me off. I tried to act like it was no big deal, until three weeks later I just broke down and said all those stupid things. I've read that it's not a good idea to meditate while depressed, especially when it is severe. I just want to be able to function above minimum during the day while I wait on this person. I have a lot to do, but little motivation to do it (amazingly, it's still getting done anyway). Moving forward is tough.
The only thing I see that can completely relieve the current ups and downs is having an actual conversation with him. Not only that, his birthday is coming up soon, and I don't wish to stress him out with a reminder of our recent fall out. Despite him saying that I didn't hurt him, I know I did on some level.
I will keep your suggestions in mind. I always feel a little guilty wanting variety in my life that went beyond just my off-time, which becomes limited with the current schedule I keep. I have a crazy idea that I doubt will work, but I'm going to go for it. For all I know, it might just change my life.
Thank you so much for your insight. As always, I'm open to anything else you might see.
Is your depression about how this man sees you or how you feel about yourself?
And what is wrong with variety?
I wish you all the luck with your idea. Behind all the great inventions and innovations is a crazy little idea. Think outside the box.
And there is free information about meditation on the net or you could search for a place that teaches it in your area.
My depression is a combination of things past and present. Where it concerns him, I think it has more to do with how he sees me. After the emotional bombardment I put him through, he actually snapped at me. He never did that before. He was always kind but not in a weak way. I really thought it strange that he told me I was a distraction from what he was trying to do (finish writing a book) when during all that time I was fretting over what I might've done to push him away, he was talking to this woman practically every night after work (she's in another country, hence the exotic appeal). He's head over heels about her, while I'm treated like I don't exist and not worth the time. It was a huge turn around from just a month before when we reconnected.
I feel like he was trying to brush me aside and make sure I was out of the picture before announcing on his blog that he met someone, and he was going to go to Europe next summer to meet her and go see castles (she's apparently a history buff). I've noticed that he often holds me at arms length whenever another girl catches his eye, or he's down about his ex. I got frustrated enough the last time he went more than two weeks without a single reply, that I stopped contacting him altogether. I realized later how much I missed him and contacted him again. He was very apologetic about disappearing on me and claimed that he was done dating for a long time. It was just so odd how this woman popped up out of nowhere and monopolized his time when he was supposed to be writing.
He hopes this to be permanent, but everyone I've talked to immediately said she won't last. It looks like he's finally getting over his ex, but he's going about it the wrong way. I did my best to give him space when he wanted it and tried to act like a big girl when he broke off communication with me. I even apologized when I did the stupid thing and tried to get him caught up in my emotional tornado. The idea of being passed over for someone that in his eyes I can't compare to doesn't do well for my confidence. I wish to remain his friend, but right now, I feel like I have no part in his life, even on his blog where he seems to avoid my posts like water going around a rock in a river. He answers everyone else's posts.
I feel that once this blows over and he looks to me for a shoulder to cry on, it'll be harder not to be angry with him for how he treated me. He's got some growing up to do, though he's a wonderful person otherwise. This may be a phase that he has to go through. It was something my friend picked up on. There will be reconciliation in the future, but how it pans out in the long run will depend on how I handle it.
By the way, I have been looking at some online sources for meditation. That's how I found out about the warning against doing it while in the midst of an episode because it can do more harm than good. Exercise with have to be my antidote during those slumps, but just as you said, keeping a routine will be difficult for me. It's better than nothing.
The question is not why does this immature guy treat you this way but why you keep letting him treat you so badly? You are a beautiful gifted person and deserve much better than this guy who sees you as his plan B if Plan A fails. The fault lies with him and his immaturity. He is looking for the perfect woman who doesn't exist and will keep chasing 'her' until he grows up enough to realize perfection is impossible to find and that he himself is certainly not perfect. To him, the grass will always be greener somewhere else. Don't let anyone treat you this badly or wait for this guy to mature - it could take years or maybe never and that is a waste of your life. See him as he really is and not as you want him to be. You will not be alone if you ask for respect and real love. You just have to accept that you deserve better and allow a better man to enter your life.