Dating, Relationships and S E X..........

  • I've read so many threads on here and the most obvious topic is about relationships and the dating game. What I have never heard spoken of though is the fear that goes with having s e x with a partner who may have an std and not telling you about it.

    This thread is for us to open up about any fears you may have about yourself or your partner, how to approach the topic of being tested before you decide to be intimate. I posted a bit on another thread but this is my story and I want to share it with you because if I can just get through to one person then my mission here is accomplished.

    To say my childhood was easy would be a huge lie, my abusive alcoholic father died when I was 7, then my mom had a boyfriend who molested me when I was 9 and my other young sister who was 11. I have to say this because it became very important to who I was about to become. My mother then married a psychologist when I was 13 and I couldn't wait for the day to move out so when I graduated at 17, my mother signed the papers for me to go into the Air Force. I served my 4 years and when I came back home and got my own place I started dating a guy who made me feel like a Queen. He was everything I could have ever wanted and we were talking about getting married.

    After about a year, my best friend who introduced us called to tell me that he had come by her and her husband's house with another woman and they were very cozy. Needless to say, I broke up with him. Fast forward 5 years, I had a new boyfriend who was a police officer, I was very happy once again.

    On Easter Sunday, 1987 I received a phone call from that same best friend telling me that my former boyfriend/fiancee was dying and she was sure he had AIDS, I needed to get tested. I was stunned, I worked as a paralegal at the time but I wasn't really sick except for a reoccuring yeast infection. I drove the next morning to a clinic far away from where I lived to be tested. I was told to take a number for privacy reasons and it would take 2 weeks for the results. Those were the longest 2 weeks of my life. On the day I was to get my results I took the day off from work and again, went to get the results all alone. There was no easy way to tell a person, it was surreal, slow motion, time stopped and I had to remember to breathe, I was HIV+. I was also told that they confirmed the results with a test called the Western Blot so I was for sure carrying the virus. This meant that I carried the virus for 5 years at least and now I had to tell my partner (who happened to carry a gun). For the grace of God, he tested negative but decided to end the relationship.

    I only told my mother and stepfather, I kept it a secret for 6 years from my family members, I only told them when I could no longer hide it. When I first had my labs done in 1987 there was no way to know at that time how much of the virus was in my body but they could tell how well my immune system was according to the level of my CD4 count. If it was below 200 and a person had 2 opportunistic infections they were considered to have full blown AIDS. So I had an AIDS diagnosis already. In 1995 I was given 3 months to live and so I went and made my own funeral arrangements. I was no longer working, the medicines made me vomit everyday, I was even in a wheelchair for a year because I couldn't walk, I was too weak. I have been in the hospital so many times I stopped counting.

    I've had blood clots and am now on coumadin, I had 2 heart attacks in May 2005 and March 2006 and then in July of 2006 I was given an implantable defibrillator/pacemaker and I already had 3 stents. I've had my spleen removed and most recently had a large tumor growing on my right ovary, fallopian tube and appendix and had all of this removed at one time. In January 2000 I was taken to the hospital with a fever of 103.5 and when the doctor went to do a test he gave me a medicine that interacted with one of my hiv meds, I stopped breathing and was on a ventilator and drug induced coma for 2 weeks.

    In the middle of all of this I have dated. I have even been married twice to men who didn't have the virus. I now wear and engagement ring so that I don't get hit on. One of the best things I did was to be a public speaker in the Miami-Dade County public schools, even a college and University. I KNOW I reached some students by talking to them about having s e x with just anyone.

    We live in a different time, it's too late for me but not for you. 1 out of every 5 women have herpes, some don't even know they have it. A man can have it and not have an outbreak but you can still get it from viral shedding. Then there is HPV, I'm sure you all have heard of this. There ARE people in this world who have HIV and don't care who they give it to. You must be responsible if you plan to be intimate with someone, it's a matter of life. If you and a potential partner decide to be intimate, I would really urge you to go TOGETHER and get tested for ALL std's and please get the results TOGETHER. I'm sorry but it's your life and you both have a right to know if that person has an std that could affect you, plain and simple. If the person doesn't want to be tested then......NEXT!!!

    Let this be a place where we can share our stories and our fears. I just thought that with so many of you on here that have an ex that you want back (while he has found another woman) you need to seriously think about the risks involved here.

    Peace, Love and Light to all of you.

  • WOW!

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  • My advise is to trust your intuition. If you "know" it will happen and it is only a question of when, then you have the ability to prevent it by removing yourself from the situation. Please take the other advise given here and find an alternative living situation so that it doesn't happen.

    My experience when I was married was that my ex and I had a severe drinking problem and there were physical fights during some of our drunks. I have learned to accept my responsibility for the part I played but I will say that physical violence is never acceptable in a relationship. EVER. That is a non-negotiable item. I can tell you that it took me quite a while before I quit flinching whenever a man raised his hands up in anger. I remember being with my ex boyfriend who would never have hit me...not in a million years... seeing his anger towards something ELSE, not me, made me wonder if he was capable. Luckily for me I realized that was my gut reaction to a previous situation and not something that would have ever happened in this relationship. I guess my point is that it can and will affect future relationships if you don't get yourself out of that situation and it does happen. Hope this helps...

  • Notshybyme...I think I have seen you post this elsewhere and I would like to tell you how much I admire you for sharing your story. The fact that you have made this a mission to inform other people of the consequences of not being safe is outstanding. So many people believe, it won't happen to me...and yet the numbers prove that it can happen. I remember reading somewhere that when you have s e x with someone, you are also having s e x with all their partners and their partners and their partners and so on. That is really scary when you think about it. I know that when I was a teenager I was pretty wild and not very cautious. I was worried about not getting pregnant not about what the other person might be carrying.

    I have teenagers now and as a parent, have the lines of communication open with them about s e x. I am very happy to hear them say "NO" just because of the STD factor. Ehhh....I don't want to get a STD. Geez...Mom. people like yourself and thousands of others coming forward to share your experience, you are helping me and helping me protect my them by giving them knowledge. Knowledge is power. Blessings to you! Sending healing energies also!

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  • Hi Elaine, notshy2bme

    i am so glad you decided to start this topic, you have my support and love, you have been in my thoughts and prayers since i read your post on the other thread...

    always God will surround you with many of His Angels and of course love ,light and peace

    hugs, sheila from vancouver canada

  • notshy2bme (maybe you've been in an abusive relationship) i have been in an abusive relationship with my dad yes, but it probably wasn't Really bad but it was enough to scare me away from him.

    I could tell you what happened, but its really long story and i don't think id be able too 🙂 that's why id admire you for telling your story,

    I have had it occur twice been in similar situations where i know the outcome, and the outcome will be bad. iv had enough of the repeats of abusive over-reacting arguments, i know the reasons to why it happened and i know its not my fault, they say it will be but i say well its not really. i have tried to talk to them all about how i feel, they dont understand me, and yes i am trying to sort out living arrangements with a friend of mine, but it will take time!! and time is not what i have at the moment.

    we have had four massive arguments that have had close encounters for Nearly abusive behaviour all aimed at me from my family being my mum, her boyfriend, and one of my sisters, its like there ganging up on me, because there going through a rough patch at the moment, and im like their piggy in the middle. its happened before, and im the one thats always used to blame for something.

    I want to explain more, but Dont really know How to

    (remember last night you said you aren't sleeping well and you are going to school)

    I have nightmares most Nights, i go to college, i dont sleep much in the night to i tend to hang around here a lot, its like my home this forum lol

    Really iss.


    Thank you Aunt buck for your advice it does help 🙂

    Best wishes


  • Dear notshy2beme

    (and hi to Shatz, RebccaAn, Pilot & Aunt Buck)

    I m so glad you have started this are truly a very brave soul and an inspiration to the rest of us. Love and hugs to you x

  • It is sooo true Highpriestess3 🙂 and hello to you too, hope all is well 😃

    Best wishes


  • Hi RebeccaAnn

    Good wishes to you too..... still knocking my old kitchen tiles off the walls.

    Dear Not2shyteme

    Excuse my intrusion in your thread. and hugs

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  • Dear Notshy2bme

    ok. A .small confession from me now..I have Parkinsons Disease, which is minimal stuff really compared to yours, as all that is affected really is my typing .., but there must be quite a few of us who have been landed with these things which do adversely affect relationships, of the main ones is the fear of ultimaely having to depend on your partner more; will that make them 'run for the hills?' I wonder?

  • Oh NotShy....I'm so sorry about not being able to see the baby. You are right though, there is still a lot of ignorance in terms of this disease. Ironically enough, it has never scared me. I worked with a friend that was HIV positive and I loved him a great deal. He didn't reveal his condition for a long time because of the fear of what I would think. I've lost contact with him but I was never worried because I knew that the way it could be transmitted would never happen. He was gay, and I was female! LOL. If he had cut himself at work, well, then you take precautions but it is certainly not something to freak out about. I also lost a childhood friend to AIDS because she had s e x with someone unprotected. She died at 23. I wish people would do their homework and realize that many people that are HIV positive go on to lead very long lives. Even long happy married lives with uninfected people. The right person for you...isn't going to run. They are going to be there to help you face it because they love you....and are not scared of you. Yes, you do have the people that are out there infecting others without caring about what they are doing. They are the ones to fear. The ones that are up front and honest about it are the ones that are protecting you and should be applauded. I cannot tell you how much I admire you for being up front about it and putting yourself out there to be a resource and messenger of information. Love and blessings!

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  • Yes, unfortunately I'm sure she contracted it due to a drunk night and no protection. Her last joy in life was planning her funeral also. She did have a little girl that she left behind but I never did hear whether or not her daughter also is positive. I have seen recent pictures of her on Facebook since I am still good friends with my friend's sister and the daughter looks like the picture of health.

    I saw that there were dating sites out there for people that were positive. I guess for some it would be a good route to go but well, we all know that some things aren't for everyone! I think the fact that you are very conscious of your condition and know how to manage it helps a lot. You are right, you need to let go of stress and part of doing that is to allow people to be who they are. You can lead a horse to water but you can't make them drink. So, you can give people information but if they don't want to listen to it, they won't. Let me know if I can do anything to help. Love and blessings!

  • notshy2bme,

    I have to tell you, I almost cried reading this.

    But I wanna Thank You for Not only going through

    this experience sane but for sharing this. You are Blessed!

    when the doctors said you have 3 months to live that meant

    your body had three months to live but our mind spirt and

    soul generates the body, so for that you have a powerful soul

    that gave your body the strength to live

    I appreciate this, I appreciate you not only sharing it with me

    but other highschool and college students, Noone ever taught

    me about this; Not even my mother! Fortuantely in health class

    i paid attention. My love goes to you to even open up, and you truly

    reached me.

    Blessings, Lots Of Love. -Addy.

  • notshy2bme

    and To all of us, I kept re reading this thread and I said a prayer to God and all his angels, to thank them and of course God, i truly beleive he sent us to you notshy2bme, to allwo us to share our stories, strength,courage,love and hope, with all this love on this thread we are truly blessed, i am honoured to be a part of all of you.

    HP my dear sweet soul, i knew there was something special about you, i was drawn to your thread some time ago and i still am, i got your back, let me know whatever or when ever to post for you even though i do:)

    bless you HP and all of us

    Hugs to all

    Sheila from Vancouver Canada

  • notshy2bme thanks for starting this thread it will be a big help for everyone im sure

    😃 Best wishes


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