Cancer Man Help
I (Picses) will give you the short version. I have been seeing this cancer man (7/5/1972) for about 10 months. Things have been slow to move but maybe the last 2 months he started calling me his girlfriend. Everything seemed to be going along. He mentioned to me his Mothers health is not doing well, and IF things take a turn for the worse he might have to move to Tennessee. I said ok. Next thing you know I am at work (we work for the same Company) and I have to hear from work people that he is moving to Tennessee. I was so upset. My cancer guy called me saying he was sorry and that we would make this work, and everything would be ok. That we would split our time between the two cities. I said ok. We will make it work.
That has been almost 3 weeks ago since I have seen him. I lightly mentioned to him that I have missed him and would really like to see him, and he has made no attempts to see me. The only communication we have had is very surface conversation texting. He knows I feel unsettled about everything and would like to see him and chat. Last time I have heard from him is Friday, and it was another surface convo. I haven't bothered him, and quite honestly I am so frustrated with the whole thing. Seems like he is avoiding me. I even said that to him, and he said he wasn't but really.
I don't mind the fact he is going for his Mother who is ill. But how he has treated me is not acceptable.
What should I do?
What is going on with him?
Timing is not god for the intimacy you crave. For a grown man to pull up stakes and move close to his very ill mother is a real crisis and his life has been turned upside down. There is not much room for planting a new relationship with you. Had you already been a solid couple then you could have been a support post to lean on. Lower your expectations. It is what it is. Crisis like this test even the best of marriages let alone a barely fresh new relationship. He is dealing with expectations of responsibility. Give him some room to deal with his life and when he reaches out to you just be there for him.....ask about his mom.....how he is doing. Just be an open ear and if he is truly sincere about keeping you as a girlfriend he will give back later and be very grateful you stood by him during this overwhelming time for him. He should have told you about the move yes but he was dreading it. You react hurt and are passionate. He is not good with that. As for the surface talk with you perhaps that is a gift for him....that he is overwhelmed right now with drama and worry and fear and all that comes with a family crisis. Maybe just talking with you about nothing really gives him a sense of peace and a connection to a normal life he once had. His life is complicated right now and not PERSONAL as far as meant to hurt you. Just bad timing. You can't push this situation but must surrender to it. Do not put your life on hold. If you truly love him, just be there for him. He just doesn't have anything to give . You crave closeness and intimacy....but you can't force it....he will clam up. Give him room to reach out......and do not try and give too much advice....let him start by just opening up without fear of reaction. He has trust issues. Use this difficult time to show him you can be a safe place to pour out his feelings. BLESSINGS!
@Blmoon - Thank you so much for the kind words. It did help. I do care for him and do want to be there for him. I understand more than he thinks about going for a mom. There is not anything I wouldn't do for my own. I just feel like he is pushing me away, and I don't know if I should contact him and let him know I am there or allow him to come to me on his own?
I feel like it's a very fine line I have to walk.
I do know he has trust issues but I have slowly but surly trying to earn that with him. Also, I just don't like the fact that he isn't keeping his word. He is saying one thing and doing another. That is concerning to me.
I am willing to do what it takes to keep the relationship going but he has to meet a little bit.
His not keeping his word is more about his trust issue and fearing confrontation or upsetting others. He speaks in the moment whatever he feels will make you happy. Of course he may not be aware he does that. So, he may disconnect even further away should you try to point it out. The trick is not pointing to him but expressing the situation from how YOU feel. Ideally, you should be able to tell him how his behavior feels to you. When confronting him try not using the YOU word as that shuts him down. Approach him from a place of expressing how you feel. Say, "It confuses ME and it frustrates me when you make promises I feel you do not keep". "I do not know what to think" People with trust issues tend to isolate themselves in their fears and often can not have empathy for other's feelings because they do not get close enough to put themselves in other's feelings. Right now you should let him contact you. Let him be the one to connect ......you have to test the reality of his ability to connect. If he does start expressing himself as a boyfriend and makes promises then you can address the question of his ability to mean it once he is off the phone again and in his isolation and fears. You can say it in a loving way and ask "As much as I love hearing this from you, I'm worried you are trying to make me happy in this moment?"...I appreciate your making me feel good but prefer you be honest about any fears you have. I wonder if you do not want me to disappear yet a relationship is scary for you.I think, regardless of his answer YOU will feel better about yourself for at least expressing your truth. That empowers a woman. Right now by focusing on his unanswered feelings you are leaking your power and it is not healthy. Energy is wasted and as it stands you are stuck........life is too precious to not be spending this moment on joys that are available. Dealing with his issues would be work enough without his family drama. You really have no choice but to be patient and keep a connection but still do not give up your life waiting on what ifs. I see three months as important for his current situation with family. Some kind of change will come in three months. . Resist calling him. Let him reach out. He has to learn to lead and follow through or you are just giving permission to accept this relationship as is and that is not your truth....you are NOT happy with that. Spirit says you two have boundary issues and are drawn together to possibly heal this in each other. For now, make some goals, be busy with joyful things and surrender to the situation as it unfolds. Blessings!
I kept my distance for about a week. Then I heard through the work grapevine that he thought I was mad at him, so I thought maybe this all a mis-communication. I did text him to tell him I wasn't mad. And it took him til the next morning to respond, and it wasn't very nice. Next thing you know we are texting back and forth, and he said I was annoying him, then he said that I was pushing his buttons. Then two days later, I sent him a text message ending it between us. I was very nice about it. About 20 mins later he called me, and just kept saying he didn't want a relationship, with me or with anyone. I told him that there was no need to ignore me and be snippy with me on text message. He said he deserved someone good that would give me the 24/7 attention I need. I told him I don't need that, but I do need someone who isn't vacant in my life. We wished each other well and I told him to have a good life. He said I will talk to you soon, and I said have a good life.
I have no plans of talking to him again. All I wanted him to do was be adult about all of it. My feelings are still hurt. He was very cold to me and insensitive.
Still trying to heal from the wounds. I just could't not know what was going on. I had something similar happen and I lived in the dark for 3 years. If he comes back, then it was meant to be. I always felt like he had one foot on the banana peel and one have way in the relationship. I want him to be with me, not forced. Just putting it in Gods hands.
He baited you by saying that to coworkers. He wants YOU to be there for him while he gets to be safe. His issue is not going to change. You get to choose what you can tolerate. Everything I posted before still stands. Because he chooses not to own his issue means that others will always be blamed. We all get tempted by "magical thinking". Find a project or goal to keep you busy and do not contact him. When he does contact you be friendly and switch roles and just be a friend. You can not participate in his usual pattern. Change means doing things differently. It is good for you to lovingly look for patterns in your life and from a place of detachment, not regret or guilt or criticism but just from a loving place of being in awareness.about who your are. Buy yourself some nice treat! You are loved! BLESSINGS!
Thank you for responding. I totally agree with you. I could only tolorate so much, and I just couldn't allow him to treat me so coldly. I am not sure if handling it another way, would have resulted in another outcome. When I think back, he checked out of the relationship long ago. My sending the text and him calling was just making it offical. It is what he really wanted to do but couldn't be adult enough to do. He is 42 years old but I think has alot of growing up to do.
I know you think I will hear from him again, but I am not going to hold my breathe on that one.
I plan on keeping myself busy like you mentioned. The past few guys I have dated including this one have really hurt my heart. So for right now I am just going to do my own thing.
Again, thanks for your kind words. They helped me more than you know.