Should I be advising?
As many of you know from my posts my husband 's health has been a true challenge for him.
He drinks alcohol on a daily basis..5-6 beers a day and has for the last month kept a bottle of Crown around for 2-3 shots a day. He may be rethinking it...not sure.
He had an amputation in Feb,and a triple bypass in December.
I have always tried to advise him to drink as little as possible, and try to recall to his mind the effects that his drinking is going to have on his liver, resulting in more health issues.
My question is this; should I interfere with his coping mechanism in this life?
He may have more heath issues down the road bigger than the drinking...am I right to interfere with his escape into relaxation?
Should I be there only to listen when he needs me to listen without giving advice?
I don't want to make his life worse by my vigilance over the drinking. I want him to be at peace.
This 'coping mechanism' is only hurting your husband, Patchlove. He has to get to the bottom of why he needs to numb his feelings - what is he trying to forget? Whatever his issue, it needs to be brought out and dealt with. Secrets and unacknowledged problems or memories have power and they don't go away because we ignore or push them down. They only fester and get worse. Obviously his method of coping with his pain is not helping him or he wouldn't have to keep on drinking. He has to find the courage to face his demons. Only then will he be free of them.
Thank you Captain. I will suggest counseling for him...his doctors recommend not drinking as much...but they wont come out and say it will kill him eventually
I feel it is his path....what he chooses....but then I feel like it is my path to try and help him
Will I help him best by doing....instead of saying? I need to show growth in my own life and person...
perhaps that is all I should do
He is a wonderful man...
Thank you Captain
If it were reverse and it was you "checking out" slowly killing yourself what would you expect your husband to do? His drinking is excessive and with his health problems your fears are real. I know you want to hear this will pass on it's own but it will not. He already had his wake up call and reality check. Some wake up but some just validate that the bottom line is they know the consequences but can not control their choice. He is an addict right now and addicts are not in control. I pick up that he has always had a distraction and as his life changed his escape changed. He does not reflect or go deep into introspection----he avoids that. A younger healthy man can work and be active and just avoid thinking too much. A younger man feels strong and in control and can burn the candle at both ends. But there is a "pay day due" No escaping that. In your mind you are being a good wife who respects her mates choices but he is sick and is not fighting for himself. Checking out is a selfish thing and is not a judgement---he is a good man with a problem. By being passive you are watching him kill himself. What is best for you? If he does destroy his body and passes
will you be not only devastated with loss but haunted by regret. Fight back. Do not give permission. Do all you can do to intervene and know you tried. It's your life too! Marriage is a partnership and your partner is checking out and if you are not careful your own health will suffer. His choice is not ok. Fight this!! Forget the idea of letting the man be his own man and take action. Get angry at this choice----you are not being mean to a good man but kicking the a ss of this addiction that has stolen the man you love. Pour his poison down the sink! Even if he buys more----do not be passive and watch him die. Call his doctor and tell him exactly how much he is drinking. Demand he get help
be the "man" energy he can't be right now and get tough. He would not allow you to do this if you had the problem. Do not let him hide
he can lie to himself better if it' stays in the home and you keep quiet. Bring reality into the light. If you drank that amount everyday would your mind be trustworthy? Go to a meeting for codependency for strength because when an addicts pacifier is threatened they will lash out and hurt the ones that love them enough to fight for them. You have to see him as not himself so you can be strong through the drama of his persuasion to let him be. He wants to be left alone. He is killing himself........I do not think it would be kinder to sugar coat this for the sake of instant relief. I think you came here for strength and you really do want to fight back but this is so hard for you. Anger and aggression and confrontation are hard for you. But it is not being mean to him its as if you are fighting an evil that has possessed him. Get angry---be defiant and with all your protective mamma bear growl tell this man he may not kill himself and you will not have it and if he truly loves you surely he'd never allow it from you without a fight. Avoid any arguing----just be strong AND FIRM and walk away if he debates. And keep throwing out his drinks. Isn't that what you truly want to do? Follow your gut not your fears. Pray to Saint Michael to help ---start everyday with a prayer ---he listens! Get outside advice from a group or counselor to keep you strong. You are stronger than him right now---you can do this. By being passive and letting him do this you are in a sense sharing his denial---addicts tend to s uck loved ones into their thinking. To give yourself a good reality surge of strength call his doctor and tell him how much your husband drinks everyday and ask him what he sees as happening. You need to hear it. Truth is a good thing. BLESSINGS!
Chances are this is some issue that goes back deep into his past, maybe even childhood. Does he talk about the past or have photos of old friends and family members about? These can be clues. If you can get him talking about his life back then, you may help him to admit whatever is making him feel so upset, guilty, betrayed, or angry that it is driving him to drink himself to death. Be gentle but firm and don't give up until you get it out of him. If he trusts you, you can be more effective than any counsellor or doctor. But it may be something he is too ashamed to tell you. Perhaps if you started by confiding something secret to him, it would help him speak up too. Communication and open honest sharing is needed here. It is way past the time to be worried about his choices - they have not shown themselves to be right ones.