Obsessed With Addictions
I have been married one year and four months to a man who I thought was my soul mate, only to find myself now preparing to leave and divorce him.
We met in 2004, and I left him in 2005. I spent 2 wonderful years on my own, no man in sight. He found me in 2007, proclaimed himself clean and sober for those 2 years spent without me, and said he was a changed man. Indeed he is.
He is now obsessed with addictions. Anything & everything that feels good, whether natural or chemical, is bad and must be avoided and denied. He won't take medicine for a headache, or for his (made up diagnoses, he says) of Bipolar. Now he won't drink coffee; he claims I have a "coffee addiction" when I only drink 3 cups per morning, and the occasional cappachino. And it keeps getting worse; now "marital relations" have joined his deny list. If it feels good, avoid it all all costs...is, I believe, how his warped thinking goes.
He refuses to even go for marriage counseling-or any kind of counseling. He spends little time near me-which I am now grateful for. Funny how things change.
I believed him to be my soulmate, only to realize he is killing my soul, slowly and cruelly.
I won't have enough money to leave this cursed house until September...and today is July 30th. <sigh.>One more month, time to find somewhere to go, as I have nowhere to flee to as of now.
I have learned valuable lessons from this relationship, and I have remained strong and sane, somehow. I have been calling on strength I never knew I had to get through these last few months with him.
If any of you out there read these words, if you have any advice for me, words of wisdom, grains of sanity to spare, any input at all, please don't hesitate to respond and post.</sigh.>
Thanks to Tarot.com for having these forums.
Know that your husband is still an addict. He just traded one addiction for another and his bipolar disorder just compounds the issue. Until he realizes he still has a problem, there is nothing you can do except try to use a lot of compassion in dealing with him. You know he is sick but he doesn't. I know funds prevent you from going to a therapist so here's a meditation techniques to help you release the negative energy that builds up in you. Find a quiet place and if you like, use scented candles. Relax in a comfortable position and think about the sensations your body is feeling. I do this with nothing on but my panties but everyone has their own comfort level. Pay attention to your breaths and how they feel while they travel from your nose to your lungs and back out. Pay attention to any prickly feelings on your skin, the movement of air over your body, all physical sensations and all sounds you can hear in the silence. When you catch your mind straying back to your problems or away from the concentration, that's ok. Just go back to concentrating. Do this daily starting with a few minutes each day and working your way up to more time. When you start feeling the negative energy through the day, take 1 minute, sit, close your eyes and practice paying attention to your breaths again. It only takes a minute out of the hour. Even after you get out of your situation, this will always help with just the daily stresses that arise. And it's ok if you nod off from time to time while doing the meditation. We could all use a little "power nap" once in a while!
You may want to look at your caffine intake as well. This is NOT an uncommon thing. Caffine dehydrates and does freaky things to your thought processes as well. It may not seem like a lot to you and I'm sure it's a lot less than many of us but I am now on 1 cup of half decaf in the a.m. (with some dark chocolate in it for antioxidants & flavor!) and no more sodas at all. Drink a lot more water and find nutritious energy boosters to help replace that caffine high we all crave so much. Try different flavors of herbal teas. Don't do this in one day! It takes time as I found out caffine withdrawal is very uncomfortable. I know we all feel like we don't drink that much caffine and it's not bad for us, but it is. Yeah, it's perfectly legal and sometimes looked upon as strange if you don't partake but so are cigarettes (which I am still trying to kick!). I'm really not trying to sound preachy but I know how much better I feel physically and mentally without all that caffine running through my system.
Hope that helps some and may you find peace.
He is overcompensating for his past addiction, trying to make sure he doesn't mess up, and end up back there.
Was one of the reasons he cleaned up you? I mean, did you two part because of this, and he come looking for you only after he got clean, and had that proverbial "12" months under his belt clean? Not that any of that is bad, but consider that if he did that, and has now gone to the opposite extreme, he may not realize that he is doing all that. And you may not realize that until he cleans up for himself, and no one else he is still sick. He needs the support of his "group", most likely, and for you to tell him, eaisly, gently that this is what he is doing, and that what works for him, might not work for you. If you love this man, enough that you have married him, what? twice? love him enough to work on this, with him or without him.
Having to live w/a person w/these issues is very hard. It does sound like he is BiPolar to me. These people can go from one extreme to the next. Caffeine is definitely a major issue for these people. Usually it's recommended that they totally cut it out. Water and herbal teas are recommended. Coffee is a major dehydrator, but it attacks him 3X what it would you. Life in general is amplified to these people. He may have been medicating himself w/alcohol. Now he must adapt w/o it. He is going to need a real healthy lifestyle. His chemicals are off. He needs to find a good counselor.
If he has major stress, it may start an episode. Hard to understand. Even harder to live with. I understand his problem. This can be the worst mental illness. Take care of yourself.
living with people who have an addiction is a lyf no one should have to deal with except that person, they need to see things wether the easy way or he hard way. But I guess it they're decision to make it just sucks sometimes that other people cant get involed fo rother stupid mistakes
I am also bipolar; but I take my meds every day. I will NOT cut out my morning coffee, and enable his warped thinking....that is just what he believes-that he can change and mold me like a piece of soft clay.....into what HE wants me to be, instead of accepting and loving me for myself.
He did not quit using for me, but to save his own life....we did not marry the first time round; our marriage is our first for both of us......you must understand, this man presented himself as someone he was not. After we married, his true self came out and now rules him. He is a steadfast control freak who demands that I pay for EVERYTHING, absolutely everything, that I want or need, even. Batteries for my mp3 player, clothes, shoes, makeup, womanly needs, my new computer, my meds.........everything. He gets 4x the money I do monthly; I am disabled and recieve far less than him, and since I must pay my own way, I now find I cannot save up any substantial nest egg for myself-or even enough to get out on my own again.
I am trapped.
He is an artist, a painter, and freely spends money on his painting, yet refuses to spend money on me-his WIFE.
He does all the grocery shopping, as well-I am "not allowed to" because "what I buy is 'frivolous'". I have Neuropathy (nerve damage and pain 24 hours a day, even with taking Lyrica for it.) in my lower legs and feet, and now it is beginning to move up my legs....in the mornings, when I first get up, I find myself walking like a crippled duck.
The neuropathy stems from a low vitamin b defiency....in other words, there is NOT enough meat in my diet, yet my husband becomes angry when I DO use my own money to buy meat for us.
I can't win.
There is more, but I just wanted you all to understand SOME of what I live with every day. I know I love my husband, even with all this, but he is bordering on emotionally abusing me, as I believe I have shown.
He refuses counseling of any/all kind-as long as he is happy in his own lil world, life is fine.
For him, mebbe. I feel trapped, duped, rejected and frustrated.
Being disabled, I can't work to make money to leave.....and what I recieve is never enough to begin saving.
I fear I must accept my lot, whether I like it or not-and simply cope.
I have no other recourse.