Tired of living
I am self-sabotaging my life and know what I have to do, but yet I cannot do it even though I write to-do lists, write down goals, and mark my calendar. I've even bought self-help books, tried self-hypnosis, watched self-help videos, and asked for help but when it comes down to doing my part and implementing it, it's a fail almost every time. I feel trapped by my own thoughts and inaction and don't know how to break out of it. There are no positive people in my life and I feel depressed on a daily basis to the point I can't get anything done and stay home all the time. It doesn't help that my family will insult me or speak to me condescendingly on an almost daily basis. I don't have insurance right now, so I cannot consult a therapist or take medication so I will have to tough it out myself for the time being. I am haunted by past slights, words, events, actions that it's so overbearing to clear my mind and break out of negative thoughts and processes and my pessimism is at an all time high which is unbearable for people around me. What can I do if I am my own worst enemy?
You say you are tired of living but you are not really living. You just allow yourself to exist in a swamp of negativity of your own making. It doesn't matter what goes on in the outside world - you can still be happy in your own heart and soul. But you are not happy, are you? You want someone to ride in and save you, do all the work of self-change for you. But no one can do that for you but yourself. Start small so it is not over-whelming - repeat positive affirmations to yourself all the time, like "My life is full of love and abundance" or "I get everything I want" or "My life improves every day" or something positive that has meaning for you. You won't believe these things at first but if you keep repeating these phrases over and over, your brain will eventually accept them as true. Experts say it only takes about one month of full-on positive thinking to change your life. What does your negative viewpoint produce but misery? Your life is your own to create - start creating what you want in it right now. Also taking a herbal supplement like St. John's Wort and a multi-vitamin to ensure your health is good will help with your feelings of depression and exhaustion, and are inexpensive and effective.
And of course there are no positive people in your life - you have to give off positive vibes to attract them. Like attracts like and negative thoughts only attract negative people. Change your thoughts, change your life.