To Astra Angel ~ Letting You Know What's Going On...
I haven't talked to Paul since he told me to give him space. I don't know if he even wants to hear from me anymore. I'm still heartbroken. I don't want two guys, just one. I remember everything because Paul is so dear to me. I didn't even have to look at the texts to remember (they have been deleted a long time ago). I just don't know how to reach out to him without it looking like I'm intruding. I want another chance. My biggest fear is that he'll sleep with this girl. Sex is a powerful way to create a bond, especially when you only have one or two partners in your lifetime. If he does it, then it'll make it ten times harder to get him back.
I really hear you there - not wanting two guys not wanting complicated relationship situations to have to navigate through yeah
There is not really much I could say though relationships are always mysterious and beautiful to me every one and I have seen couples go through changes over time and sometimes there are simply these phases where it just doesn’t seem to be working out and yet and yet the feelings remain and boy do they remain what do you do with that right?
well what you do is what you are doing – airing it all out in a social setting and that seems to be where we all draw a lot of strength from one another – basically simply trying to relate to each other in our experiences in hope that it helps (somehow)
i think you really must love Paul – did you two get to any point of expressions of love? i wonder about that – love really sends you into some pretty uncharted landscapes sometimes
anyway those are just my thoughts for a December morning
Oh you mentioned “I just don't know how to reach out to him without it looking like I'm intruding.”
if you could write him a letter (real one) that always shows sincerity i think
letters are always nice to receive
I do love Paul. The other guy (I'll call him Justin) has been very understanding about the whole thing. Justin has been through something similar, and I guess that's why I was drawn to him. I sometimes wonder if I'm hurting him by not letting go of Paul. I promised Justin that no matter what, we will always be friends. Unfortunately, Paul has it in his mind that I want more with Justin.
I do wish I could send Paul a letter (and a real one, at that). I'm trying real hard not to invade his "space" since he requested me to give it to him. I almost contacted him a few times today. I even cried my eyes out last night, hoping and praying that he doesn't fall in love with that other girl. I feel like I've been walking on some very shaky ground lately. I confided to Justin that I don't really want to fall in love again. It hurts too much, and my heart can't take anymore hits. I figured that I might as well just remain numb for the rest of my life.
I do wonder if you can tell me if Paul will ever contact me again. That's what I keep wondering, since I am doubtful that he'll answer me if I initiate.
okay well it sounds like you do have a thing for Paul! how wonderful i think it is so amazing how we can have these really deep connections/love for one another – in a way i think you answered all of your questions right there when you admitted you love him – so that is beautiful! love will endure Lily i believe – so (to me anyway) when we love someone we simply do that in whatever way we can – love them think about them remember them – i know what you mean about the tears too as sometimes our stories about love send us in different directions – and in those places there is not really much you can do (when you are physically apart) other than be at peace about the relationship as best as you can (i know that is not an answer really however it is where we all end up – being able to be at peace and then we show the universe that we understand ? what do you think? love is a mystery realm that is for sure right?
okay so that is just some of my own comments take it or leave it - i did create a little reading for you about the two of you and i think it is showing where you and Paul are at – i am not really a good predictor of anything though Lily so i probably won’t be able to answer questions like “what does the future hold for you and him?” - sometimes the less we know the better you ask me
anyway i will try to share my approach i have been playing with for relationship studies
what i have been using is a “dimensional” approach to tarot where we are able not only to see our earth dimension (physical reality) we can also begin to look above to some more overshadowing realm (spirit or god or above or angelic or however that works for you)
so what i did was draw 4 cards for you and 4 cards for Paul and then also draw 3 random numbers (1-9) to determine where in this cube/space we place those
there are directions associated with this space as well – left is more memories and right is more expectations and hope – above is above (as in conscious and known) and below is all inward and feelings and also leads to the memories as well a lot)
the “third dimension” is depth and near – so that is where we can gain some insight as to what is a “murky” influence and what is near and a more noticeable influence
In the images below i noted the placements in color and alternated between you and Paul – so you are red (1 3 5 7) and Paul is blue (2 4 6 and then i drew one last card as a sort of “advice” or summing it it up
1 (Lily) - 2 of Cups at 558 ‘“now setting very far“ and so that is a nice couple emotional card – and it is at placement – so that probably captures where you are at right now – this feeling about this relationship is very much in your present life moments you could be very aware of that
2 (Paul) - Death at 466 “yesterday outward known” – So this should provide a pretty quick explanation as to what is going on – you are in a very emotional place with him in love and desire and nice thoughts and he is deconstructing his reality – which means he is learning some sort of life lesson about his life and that requires him to be looking below the surface at life and examining the parts of his life and this is all based on his outward known life experience in connection with some sense of looking back on his memories in a general way
3 (Lily) - 10 of Swords at 269 “very memory outward everywhere near” – so you can see here that you are in a very remembered place with him in communication transition patterns meaning a lot of memories of transitioning in dialogue with him and that was everywhere near so it was working in a very wide open way with him in communication and it goes pretty deep into memories past there it is also outward so this was a place you had with him that was like you door to all the places above and in hopes with him
4 (Paul) - Emperor at 455 “yesterday setting us” – so here is Paul saying to you “hey just yesterday we had a really nice setting for us” and that is his viewpoint (emperor) about “us” – this also falls directly below that 2-death placement so you can really feel the analysis here and trying put the pieces together
5 (Lily) - Ace of Swords at 619 “ahead everywhere feeling everywhere near” – so this is our first inclination of what the hopes are here – and it begins with you looking ahead with this tender little hope to begin in communication with Paul in an ”everywhere feelings and everywhere near” sort of way – so that feels to me like your wish almost like “i wish i could begin again to talk to him and really share my everywhere deep feelings in a very near (close and personal) way to him”
6 (Paul) - Seven of Wands at 792 “expectation, everywhere above, very far” – so this is Paul’s response to the Ace of Swords from you – dreamy wand path places that are his expectation in a general way and they are very above for him and very far away in the sense of being indistinct or obscure mostly – so Paul is in a searching phase it sounds like – it really sounds like his spiritual path work he is on - he desires greatest clarity in his life directions and yet he has a soft spot for the mysteries of life (so i think you have really influenced him in some of these mysterious ways he actually is drawn toward)
7 (Lily) - The High Priestess at 167 ”everywhere memory, outward, near” this seems to be an overshadowing of you by the communication and dialogue themes from above = somehow all of these experiences with Paul related to your communications with each other seems to be something important and goes into all of your memories and all of your past – so that sounds like either healing to me of something in your past that Paul could be helping you with or simply showing just how important communication is to you – like it is everything to you
8 (Paul) - The Universe at 877 “very expectation, above, near” – this would be more development of the 7 of Wands out into the future in some general way as is best determined by the universe
and then a final “possible advice” or a summing it up:
The Fool at 429 “yesterday, very feeling, everywhere near” – well where there is love you will usually find a fool in the sense that love is always a chance we take on one another and sometimes even the fool gets lucky
not sure what kind of advice is in that Lily! hopefully you can find something in there of interest
as for your comment about another girl and Paul falling for her i wouldn’t be concerned there as all of our relationships are guided along as is best so you sort of just have to trust that whatever is happening or will happen is for the best and go with the flow (which i know is canned sort of advice we often hear however it is still true that you can’t go wrong to trust in life to be true
I guess I really am a fool. I do hope to talk to him again and see if he's ready to take a real chance with me. That is what's missing. He never seemed to give me a serious try. The fact that he has told me he thinks about me a great deal while I'm gone says something. I guess when I push him to make a decision about me, he recoils. Justin was just an excuse for him to get a way when he was starting to feel scared.
I don't know. I have to talk to him to see where we are. It's been a month. I'll let you know what happens. Thanks.
Why don’t you rely on your new male interest to share with about Paul? then you could kill two birds with one stone - in other words it would open you up more to trust in someone else and help deflect some of the Paul issues at the same time – this new guy apparently has an interest in you – just be honest with him and explain “i really feel something with Paul we had a great communication going however he wouldn’t give me a chance”
then your new guy friend could reply
“well i will give you a chance!” if you will give me a chance!”
of course you will still have your deep-romantic-feeling-memories with Paul to contend with – however feelings are not always that reliable and even were you and Paul to sail off into some committed relationship pattern like marriage then what happens down the road with all that deep feeling is replaced with “hey you lazy bum when are you going to take the garbage out” ??
i think you are setting yourself up for some difficult relationship experiences if you are trying to “get back to that close place” you were had (or was expecting to develop) with Paul – another man could be perfect for you right now – one way or the other you need a way to share all of this with someone real in your life and why not a man? unless the guy is just a total zero however it did sound like you had at least some passing interest in him
my sense about these love-romance situations is that quite often who we are really “in love” with is not really the other person at all – we are in love with our own idealized model of what a wonderful companion should be – and then when someone shows up who matches enough of those preset role definitions all of our bells go off and we think “hooray! i have found him/her! now i just know it will all work out!” and then we are disappointed as our newly casted actor can’t seem to get his lines right
so if i were you you have an opportunity to develop something with Guy B now that Guy A is off into whatever new chase he is on – seemed to me like he is trying to analyze his life in some way which requires some isolation
none of that was a tarot reading though just my 2 cents dear Lily