To Astra Angel ~ Letting You Know What's Going On...
Oops, sorry, the picture did not show.
One more time. It's going to be a charmer!
Yay! I did it! Yeah, this one is from two years ago. Again, I did make a much, much better version of this costume last year, but not pictures yet.
And no that's not my real hair, and yes, I am tying a bow on a tail! I'm a dragon character from a favorite series of mine.
Hey that costume is amazing, you really have a gift there. I hope you get plenty of calls to do more of your costuming I think that is wonderful. Yes, make sure you don't overdo it, our work, craft should always be fun, play really.
So he is silent, yeah I think men really struggle to simply let their feelings express passion without any concerns at all. Fear I guess. Who knows why. Maybe because we didn't get the Barbie Dolls and Princess Playhouse sets when we were growing up, only the tanks and guns and James Bond Attache cases.
How do you feel about him? That is where I always come back to when trying to understand something about a relationship. I think our tendency is to try and gauge the partner's feelings along with ours so that we don't fall hopelessly in love and then get hurt down the road. However I think it is really better to simply let yourself go in love, and not even be too concerned about what he does or doesn't do. I know that sounds different, as we are usually very guarded in our emotions, we don't want to be in love and not have that reciprocated. I go worn out waiting for the reciprocation though. Which sorta spins you off into a la la land of love... however "real real" land of love never worked for me anyway, so I just decided to fall in love and live a fantasy I guess... the nice thing though is in la la land if the guy (or girl) dumps you, you can still love them in a sort of heavenly way and not worry about it. Then you are in good position for something even nicer down the road. Maybe.
So that is my personal sort of love relationship philosophy I guess, always subject to change.
That is such a common question... what is he feeling about me? Because he is quiet... what is she thinking about me, what are her feelings? Because she isn't saying a word. I think that is where la la land comes in handy because all you have to do is look in your heart, and hear him whispering to you, "Joylily I love you..." in some nice sweet way, sort of like telepathy I guess. A connection that transcends the limits of our outer communication patterns.
That would be something to try, maybe write down some dialogue between you and him, in your journal. Imagine he is sharing with you and just write it out as you wish it would be, like...
You: Oh, my love I miss you so much! Why won't you talk to me more?
Him: because I love to talk to you like this, secretly, when it is quiet and we are together in mysterious way.
You: Oh, I try to believe you are with me... I really do Robert. It is so difficult. I love to hear you tell me these things...
Him: I am telling you now...
You: I know... still, your voice is so sweet to my ears... and I miss seeing you, and hearing you...
Him: I understand dear. Maybe..., for some reason it is important that we connect like this, in a deeper mysterious way!
You: Okay! I will try... how do I know you are really talking to me like this?
Him: I will show you a sign and you will know it is me...
Just an idea Joylily, all of that is emotion reality play. It is a land we don't often explore because it is a little different. However some of us need to explore that more as I believe it really helps to develop our faith and trust in relationships. That would be a nice foundation for love, trust in one another. That could really be what you are working with in yourself, is trust. Trusting him, that he does love you so much, that all is well, even if he doesn't say the right words all the time. Sometimes it takes a while to trust. Which is fine, you should go at your own pace. Me? I would simply keep it light and breezy with him, and if you are feeling like he is not communicating as you would like, then write out some pretend dialogue where he IS communicating as you like. And I think you will find some real comfort there in your art your craft.
That is the thing about you, you are really an artist, so your world is very richly colored in themes of love and romance... of little ribbons, and softness... and all of the beautiful words ever spoken. So you are alive in a very beautiful creative emotion realm full of castles and dragons and angels everywhere. Perhaps... see him as one of your characters in a play that you are creating. What would you like him to be like? You can write that out... maybe sew a costume for him!
Just some ideas... I am a little out there in all of this emotion realm things. I don't think my feet are really planted very firmly on the ground any more but I don't care. Maybe goats can fly.
I can look at some cards... what is going on with him? Where is his heart at with you? We can look at some cards for fun...
3 - 3 of Wands
33 - 3 of Pentacles
46 - zeta (4C + 5S) (rulesets)
50 - kappa (1W + 8S) (isolation)
So, your love interest is working with some zeta (rules) and kappa (isolation) themes and is trying to work through the contrast between growth in his inner dialogue patterns, and growth in his outer physical patterns. So, I think he is in some sort of psychological place where is wanting to do the "right" thing with you, and yet he is still being sort of isolated in order to grow his inner dialogue patterns about you, and that is connected with his outer material growth patterns. So he is thinking about long term commitments, could be marriage or something devoted like that. zeta is often associated with marriage. If you two get to that place, please work through your agreements though! Talk about everything and wait as long as you need. He is certainly pondering something very serious with you I believe. So he is thinking "about you" and needs time alone to do that, so that would explain his lack of outer communication patterns. Until he works through whatever this kappa (hermit) thing is about. He could have a history of feeling cut off from others, so it may take him some time to trust and open up more. Love will work wonders though. I would sew him a knight costume to come after this nice dragon in his life !
Thank you for your suggestions. Believe it or not, the inner dialogue thing is something I do often with a lot of people. LOL But people always surprise me by acting in ways I don't expect.
This is not the first time we've been out of communication for so long, with nothing more than a couple of texts wishing each other a good day. ^////^ However, I do wonder where he wants to go with this. He says not to expect anything and to not put a lot of faith in him. He kindly tells me these things whenever I say something that suddenly makes him uncomfortable.
Yet, there are times it feels like he's treating me like his girlfriend, even though we're technically not in any official relationship. The most serious we've ever gotten was discussing meeting each other. If marriage is a thought that's crept into his mind lately, or at least an actual commitment of some sort, that's certainly a surprise. He's still dealing with getting over his ex. I don't want to rush him, but it'd be nice if he said something. I'm too afraid to go there without expecting him to run off.
As for my feelings, they've certainly grown. My sis told me to give it three months, and it'll settle down (that's what she calls the "honeymoon" phase). Well, I'm closing in on those three months. My feelings are far from settling down. I want to know more about him and spend time with him. He's currently working on some serious goals right now, so it's understandable if he doesn't want to do more than text or call. If anything is going to move forward, it'll have to come from my end. That will be tough with me just starting a new job. He already expressed interest in me coming to see him, so as long as I have a means to get there, I know he's all for it.. Which is why I'm dying to get a better car.
I hope to hear from him tomorrow, since it's Valentine's, but if it doesn't happen, it doesn't happen. Thanks again, Astra.
Hello again, Astra,
Well, I have an interesting development concerning my job. Turns out they're going to close the store I work in at the end of May, but they hope to place me in another store. I'm not guaranteed my current position (Assistant Manager) or even really a job, so I'm currently looking elsewhere. I do hope I am able to keep both because I do enjoy my job, and I want a chance to concentrate on starting a side business with costuming. Yesterday was a pretty miserable day for me. I didn't know what was going to happen. I just finally started crawling out of the hole I've been in for several years.
As for Paul, I have a better understanding of what you're previous reading meant. He told me recently that he was having a hard time holding on to faith and that he missed the person he was a year ago, when he began making major changes in his life in order to win back the girl he loved (she told him about this time last year that there was still a chance for the two of them). Back then he was thriving. Now, he seems very deflated and of course unwilling to really talk about it in depth. I hope to gently draw it out of him more later. Right now he's preparing for a mission trip. He enjoyed it so much last year that he's going back. It sounds like he's trying recapture what he had lost, though this time there's no real prize at the end (at least no temporal one). He still urges me to come visit him, and I've promised that I will eventually.
I'm still curious about what you meant about him contemplating some sort of serious commitment with me. I don't get that vibe from him at all. Whenever I touch on something that may imply commitment, he makes light of it. Not in a mean way, but almost as if he's avoiding the question. I'm not being blunt with him either, so that could be part of it. I did send a serious email to him when he addressed an addiction he had on his blog since I was worried that I might be fueling it. I admitted my feelings (which he knew already) and apologized for possibly ignoring his struggles while concentrating on what felt good to me. I won't go into detail as it was pretty personal. He told me not to worry. That was right before he told me about how he missed his old self and not knowing where to start when it came to his struggles. Being the introvert that he is, that was about all he did say.
The only thing I can think of that he would be contemplating with me amongst all that he's dealing with right now is possibly wanting to make our relationship physical. It's something that has come up before, but we knew we would have to wait a while on it. I didn't really want to mention this since it's pretty embarrassing to say out loud, but I have no idea what else it could be. I mean, it would GREAT if he was thinking of me being his actual girlfriend, where it could potentially lead to other things like marriage. There were times when I honestly felt like I was his girlfriend, and he's clearly a guy who doesn't need to be in constant contact with his significant other (he actually had a story up on his blog about a female friend he finally had to cut off because she was griping about her new boyfriend not texting her every other minute, and would not listen to him when he said her boyfriend was probably just busy. I don't want to become her!).
Every time we do talk, I tell him that I think about him alot, in more of a mushy sense really, though again he knows my real feelings. I also told him that I pray for him everyday in my email, and he seems pretty cool with all this. He's admitted to thinking of me too (though in what way, he's a little vague, LOL). I also remember back in February when I told him on the phone that my sister's fiance was from the area he was, and he got all excited and asked me if she was going to move there (as in me visiting her LOL) and was a little disappointed when I told him no. That was just one incident. I am excited myself at the possibility of seeing him, but I'm worried about my possible job loss keeping me from doing so.
If there's any insight you can give me, I'd much appreciate it.
Oh I am sorry to hear about the store closing that sounds unexpected. So now you are back in job search mode. Well, that will work out for you I am sure!
So your Paul, he sounds like a deeply devoted sort of man? Anyone who is working as a missionary to help others sounds like a deep sort of calling. So he has that side of his life (maybe his deeper search for purpose or something, or whatever his truth is) mixed in there with his feelings for you. Path concerns. That will tend to spin you off into your own world while you try to come to clear goals. Then once the clear goals are set, then you share that with your partner and then they look at you like you just landed from mars haha.
I think we all do that a lot? We relate to each other in two ways. the way I see you when I am in touch with you, and those other times when you live within my heart, the memories, the vision of you. So maybe Paul is spending some time reflecting on the two of you and will "eventually" share his vision with you! Guys I think tend to hole up with their 'vision' until they they reach some conclusion? However he could really be (and should be) sharing all of that internal stuff with you. So that gets you involved in his world. I believe that is really where he wants to be with you. Oh, that we could be partners with no strings attached! And then let the stars lead us along. of course that is all just my opinion. I can relate to your guy, with the religious background and all. My story too.
"I'm still curious about what you meant about him contemplating some sort of serious commitment with me."
Yes, I should probably not be making such pronouncements that should be for you to determine. It must have simply been suggested by the cards. So whether that is one of those fleeting sort of thoughts, or something ongoing I am not sure. His response when you try to bring up commitment themes is indicating a little nervousness on his part to me? Ha ha I don't know... a totally relaxed view would be to be open to anything and just be sincere with each other. He could be spending more time thinking in that area than you realize and simply isn't ready to talk about it when you bring it up, so he may use humor or make light of it in order to deflect (delay) that topic for another time. My 2 cents.
I will look at a few cards for fun...
17 - 3C
73 - tower, relax
share play, relax
35 - 7S
1 - AW
71 - devil, see
35 - 7S
46 - 4P
71 - temperance, blend
54 - 8P
78 - Universe, complete
remember share begin begin see remember share nurture nurture blend move nurture complete
(I have been using these simple little one word translations lately)
So that sounds like, you can be yourself with him, and share your "play" desires or plans, and relax? what do you think?
I have the sense that he probably would love to hear you share your ideas and dreams of nurturing life.
We should be able to talk about those things? The "blend" in that (temperance) is really about two people merging (to me). Which is a total union, coming together in every way possible. So that is preceded by "Move" so that seems like "blend" is on the move between you and him. Yay that sounds nice to me! then
the "nurture complete" sounds good... the universe seems to be involved with you and Paul. In any case, you can relax and be yourself, seems mostly what is said.
I hope that helps JoyLily. I am excited for you and him! I am praying for you both to have the most wonderful and fantastic relationship that is very fulfilling for both of you.
That's an interesting way of interpreting the cards. It's true. I'm able to be myself around him, and I'm more relaxed when I talk to him, though most is just through texting. The "play" desires might be referring to our rping (role playing). It's something we enjoy. Sometimes, it would start early in the morning to after midnight. We having done that in the last couple of weeks. Granted, he's going through a down period right now and just lost a longtime friend (the crazy girl complaining about her boyfriend.) She wore him down to the nub during a very busy time at work last week, and when the boyfriend finally confronted him via text about talking to her, he had enough and just dropped her. It stinks losing a friend like that. He's loyal to a fault to his friends.
The part about nurturing life makes me blush! ^////^ Makes it sound like we're having a baby or something! I don't think we're anywhere near ready for that yet, but the possibility of it in the future sounds nice. I do wish he'd share what's going on in his head more. I should probably just call him this weekend out of the blue. I usually ask if it's okay to call. I'm someone who doesn't want to intrude.
Seriously, your readings are going to send my daydreams into overdrive! I really need to be a bit more forceful with calling, so I can get more answers directly from him. I'll keep you posted on what happens.
*haven't (first paragraph
Darn tablet keyboard!
Okay, well it sounds like he is going through some transitions with the last relationship. The crazy girl haha... the fact that you feel very relaxed with him sounds wonderful. That to me is so important, and is something we all deserve in a relationship. I mean, when you love someone and they love you. I would at least hope the two of you would be perfectly at ease with each other.
The role playing sounds fun, I think I do that too in my own way, make up characters, dialogue out relationship patterns, I guess it is one way we learn. So that sounds really fun to me that you two can do that. Not sure what that "role playing" is exactly, however it sounds fun.
The "nurturing" talk, is really a sense of reality mostly. To me the nurture pattern would be what is causing the relationship to be. As long as you are nurturing that it seems that any relationship can develop and deepen. I hope you and he can talk more about your hopes and dreams together. He should be relaxed enough with you to share what his goals are in any area of life. (It seems a shame to me that these areas sometimes seem so locked up in our hearts, not sure why).
I have been thinking about you and him and praying for nice things in your communications!
And BTY I had an idea for you in your costumes, start your own costume rental place! For birthday parties for kids? I think it would be cool that parents could "rent" a set of costumes for the kids to dress up in for a birthday party, so you could theme the party, super hero party pack, fairy princess land... space for the boys :)... could be a lot of fun. I can see you so successful at whatever you set your hands to.
Okay... my 3 cents because I saw the moon this morning and that is worth at least a penny extra...
BTW not BTY (4th para) , not sure what "BTY" means...
The rented costume idea is pretty cute! ^.^ Only problem is, I don't have a bunch of costumes to rent out. I'm a poor girl and always had to take apart previous costumes to use them for other things, LOL! It's sad, really.
I figured the nurturing thing was about our relationship, but my mind went somewhere it shouldn't. ^////^ But the idea is a nice goal to strive for. I've always wanted a family with lots of kids. Apparently Paul wants that too, but of course, his ex put a stopper on that. Paul is convinced that it'll be a long time before he'd be ready for something like that again. If it's to ever happen between us, it's clear that it's far off into the future, and it isn't guaranteed.
Right now he's ignoring me, probably because he's desperately trying to finish a book he hopes to have published soon. The last time I asked about it, he said he wasn't doing well. When I thought about that, I decided not to bother him with a phone call and just keep poking him with texts like usual until he responds. He always tells me if I step over a line, which is good because I don't want to be pushy (like his crazy female friend). So far, he doesn't appear to be annoyed with my smiley texts.
It's still just a real downer when he's in one of these hermit modes, especially since the last week and a half has been real rough on me (there was a lot more than the possibility of having no job going on). The only time I can catch his attention is on his blog when I have something relevant to post about his posts. Yeah, I'm in desperate need of cuddle time here.
Role playing or "Rping" is something that a lot of gamers and writers do for fun and to develop characters and story lines. Paul is a big time writer and gamer, so rping is his way to relax and flex his storytelling muscles. I write too, but I'm also someone who just likes to play pretend. I grew up around a lot of the gaming stuff too, so it's only natural that I would enjoy rping as well.
Thanks for your input. I'll keep you posted on what happens. Any extra insight is always appreciated.
I wanted to share this with you, a more in depth look at you and your friendship-love interest. I looked at 10 cards for each of you and I thought it was interesting. So you can see what you think. (you will be "J" in this and your bf will be "b". )
sig 26 - W4
32 - w10
24 - w2
78 - chi
18 - sigma
61 - PS
56 - S6
7 - eta
52 - S2
48 - KnC
7 - eta
sig 12 - mu
47 - PC
74 - 10P
57 - S7
30 - W8
21 - upsilon
59 - S9
40 - C4
53 - S3
18 - sigma
72 - P8
J, in looking this over it seems like your setting (a + b) is mainly related to your direction in life. Which can involve choices. This is saying to me a transition in that area (of direction, path, intentions) together with trying to say "yes" to something in that area. So that feels like two things are going on at the same time, one you are trying to affirm and play with, and another you are trying to transition toward a new beginning (possibly away from a previously completed path). So something new must have already started for you in a path, direction in your life.
1. Above, begin, goal, dreams. The universe, that can be a symbol to you, that means "happy endings" or "all is perfect!". So, I think your goals are really pure and lofty and beautiful according to this.
2. Beneath the setting, is the basis, which is the playing and affirming foundation for you. This is the star! So that is nice, that is saying a lot about exalted or ethereal dreams, wishes, hopes, as an area you like to play in. So that should be important to always keep that in mind, that Star card is fun for you.
3. A door that is closing is a Page of Swords. Court cards are trying to personalize the personality of the card, so that seems as a person or personal message related something is fading.
4. A door that is opening is the 6 Swords, and that is much more of a general social sharing in dialogue. So ahead seems to be friends, or a more social setting.
5. View. Lovers which is all about relationship themes, so that is your general "view" lately you are viewing life from a sort of relationship centered point of view. We could say that "relating" as a general theme is your main view, your focus perhaps. This also has a lot of connection with your "significator" which is foundation path, so you really really want to establish a "lovers" path-role as something dependable.
6. Relating. 2 of Swords, that is a very balance, relational card about communication, dialogue, so that would seem to relate to that door opening for you now where your social talk is also becoming two talk. So it sounds like a "2" dialogue pattern emerging from the general social communications going on for you.
7. Dreams, wishes, fantasies, can be anything almost here. The Knight of Cups so that seems to show a real dream-wish for a companion, love, all that comes with the 4 cups secure settings in a more "personalized" expression. Knights are generally very determined, so this could be a rather determined dream for you!
8. Outcome. Lovers. So that is where you are heading apparently. Based on everything you have shared so far this looks pretty inevitable at this point unless you change course. Love, lovers, relationship, intimacy, connection, companionship, close friendship is like a magnet pulling you forward now. You may feel you are falling in love (in what that means to you).
Now, lets look at him...
His setting (a and b) is a mix of a happy emotion card (Page of Cups) and a transition of his physical life card (the 10 of Pentacles). So he seems to be juggling a couple of different areas there maybe. Emotional play and communication and also a physical pattern is changing or in transition of some sort, moving, changing a setting. Physical setting transitional influence.
1. Above, begin, goal, dreams. The 7 of Swords. That is a dreamy thinking card. His beginnings could be a little up in the clouds now. He seems a little scattered here for some reason in his life path, general direction.
2. Beneath the setting, is the basis, which is the playing and affirming foundation for him is 8 Wands. A big beginning here! Something down below in his life is so happy for him as a path, it has or will be something he will really love to "b".
3. A door that is closing. Release in some way recently for him. That has occurred, freedom in some important way.
4. A door that is opening is the 9 of swords. That is a "completed" dialogue or communication in some way. This sounds like a conclusion or successful attainment related to his thinking? Which appears to resolve or clarify what his 7 swords "beginning" is all about.
5. View, 4 of Cups. So here there is an interesting connection with J. She is "viewing" relationship (lovers) and B is viewing stable, emotional settings. Which has a lot to do with the Universe in J's beginning place (1).
6. Relating is the 3 of Swords. So there is a lot of growing "relating" going on with B in his social areas of life, which could involve his dreams (7S1). And leads eventually (soon probably, due to the 8 Wands, 2) to a completed, successful dialogue, communication pattern (9S4). So communicating seems important for him for sure.
7. Dreams, wishes, fantasies, can be anything almost here. He has the Star card there, and that is J's card as her "play-affirm") card. So I think whatever J is wanting to "play at" is what B is hoping and wishing for.
8. Outcome, 8 of Pentacles. That seems like a very physical, focused sort of endeavor.
I would say add some candles.
And lovely, soft music in the background, and let nature take care of the rest.
You and B have a nice connection there in foundation, nurturing patterns, related to communication, you are a 6 swords and he is a 9 swords, those are very compatible. It is like he "completes" something in a social dialogue area for you, it is interesting. Both of you share little swords (1,2,3) in your social area. So there is some nice 2 swords, 4 swords interplay with you and him socially. You wish for a Knight in love, and he wishes for the stars above. I think he searches for your constellation up there.
Oh it all feels hopelessly like love to me! You two are made for each other like the sea is made for the shore I believe, it all looks so wonderful to me. So nice and soft and gentle.
There is so much nice interplay between the two of you, you can see it in the cards, how they talk back and forth! Even your significator cards... he has all of these weigh this, search this out, justice sorts of themes going on as sort of representing his life. And you answer that with this really beautiful path and role card, that is dependable and secure as a direction. You would make a wonderful companion for him is all it is, in a nutshell.
I hope that is helpful and fun for you!
and here is a nutshell for you too
All I have to say is, wow! That's a lot to take in! You know, I've been feeling down this past week because Paul hasn't responded at all. This makes it two weeks since we've been in direct contact with each other. He's gone into extreme hermit mode now. I think you've touched on that.
Paul is definitely trying to sort things out. You should've seen the last post he made on his blog. He basically said he could not see himself with anyone else right now. He's tied to his ex, even though she's long gone. She's still stalking him online and clearly still has an effect on him, not to mention it makes her look like she's second guessing herself. Personally, I just think she's trying to have her cake and eat it too. They had been friends for years before they started dating. Paul doesn't know if he has room for anyone else.
I'm sure he's just letting everything sink in and is trying to just move on in a more permanent sense than before. Dating has become mechanical to him (He's referring to those that he's dated in person), and he doesn't derive any real joy from it. He even mentioned one woman he met recently where he said though he could see himself marrying her, he is unable to fall in love with her. She was basically the standard for anyone who would dare try to replace his ex, but if even she could not capture his heart, then none of those other girls can.
The only thing that baffles me is that he says this publicly, yet he wants me to come visit him. He was very adamant about it the last time we talked two weeks ago. Paul has never mentioned me out in the open. I wonder if this has to do with the fact that his ex is still stalking him. I could understand if that's his reason, but he's yet to indicate what his reason is. I'm a little scared to ask. His recent disconnect is also a little upsetting. I managed to calm myself down and send an email his way, basically letting him know what's been going on and that I've been thinking of him.
You are definitely right about one thing. I have fallen in love. It's not the silly infatuation I felt at the end of last year. I honestly want to be close to him. I want to know everything and tell him everything. Maybe he'll break through his isolation soon and start talking to me again, and it will unfold as your cards indicate. It's funny that the world is getting crazier with each passing day, but my own little world is full of happiness at the mere thought of him.
Thank you for giving me some real hope that everything will be okay. I'm such a worry wart. I'll probably get an answer from him soon. He's yet to not respond to an email from me. I'll keep you posted on what happens.
P.S. That squirrel with the nut is so cute! ^.^
Sorry for the silence. Interesting things have been happening.
I got a second job (or third if you include the crochet classes I teach) that's related to my interests, and I'm getting ready to buy a better car (YAY!). My sister's wedding is also fast approaching, and were currently ironing out the details. As for Paul and I, we reconnected about two and a half weeks ago after a long hiatus.
I stepped away for a while and tried to focus on myself which I'm sure made my overall situation better, since I wasn't obsessing over him as much, but on the inside I felt terrible. I finally broke down and messaged him, thinking he wouldn't respond. I was wrong.
We had a nice long talk (interspersed with some romancing, hehe) and found out some surprising things. He was surprised I that bothered to reach out after a long absence, but was VERY happy that I did. I told him about what I've been doing, and he was pleased to hear that I was focusing on me. He asked about my car after I mentioned having an opportunity to go to Chicago later on (he lives nearby and wanted me to come visit), he asked if I was seeing anyone (I asked in turn, and he said he was done dating for a long time, meaning there was currently no one else and probably won't be for a while), and even apologized for hurting me by ignoring me.
That last part really stunned me. It meant that I did have some sort of an affect on him. We began talking about meeting again. I won't be able to go see him until the fall when the wedding is over and done with (I also have ANOTHER wedding to attend a week later and my dad's birthday a week after that.) However, I'm in the process of getting my new car which puts me one step closer. There's still much to do before I go, but I'm excited and scared at the same time. I wonder what he would think of me in person and if we would make a connection.
Another thing I found interesting when I went on his writing blog to see what he had been posting during the time I was absent, was that about two months ago he actually deleted the book he was writing that started out as a story to impress his ex. He's now pursuing other stories and is making great progress! He seems happier and more focused on the things he likes doing (the mission work was one of them, and he does charity stuff too), and he has been working on his health (something I think I need to work on the next few months before meeting him, hehe).
He went on a mission trip last week, so we've only talked once since that first time (the other time stretched over two days and so did the second). I'm beside myself and can't wait to talk to him again, but I'm pacing myself.
Thanks for that reading you did a while back. I went over it a few times since then, but until this recent development I didn't have much hope of those things you said coming true. I'll let you know if anything else develops.
That all sounds great about him and you - wow what a collection of interests and your personalities do seem to mesh so nicely - Like you that was something to hear him tell you he was sorry that shows he is really thinking about your feelings so what a great connection that is
Not a lot going on with me really usual story off in my own la la land half the time however it is starting to grow on me Still make these occasional art efforts and it just keeps raising questions making it not fun so I run from it then - nice to hear from you I always feel great vibes about you I know life is going to be a dream come true for you
It's been a while. I've been wanting to give you an update, but things have been a constant rollercoaster.
I'm not with Paul right now. I say this because we had a couple of sudden breakups. The first came out of the blue at the beginning of July. He told me that I was getting in the way of something he wanted to accomplish (he never specified what it was) and that I had been a wonderful band-aid to him in dealing with a lot of pain, but I was also using him as a band-aid, believing that this was something wonderful but was untrue. I had to use the words he used because it was so strange and sudden that even now I'm still trying to figure it out.
After trying to get a hold of him for a couple of days, I finally asked if this meant that he doesn't want me to come see him. He said that it would be a bad idea if I did. It floored me. After all those months of wanting to see me (he wasn't constantly begging, but it was obvious from our talks that he want it) he suddenly dumped me. I told him sorry for bugging him, but it just felt like a punch in the gut, which it did.
Fast forward two-three weeks later, I had a meltdown and bombarded him with texts and emails (I was advised against this, but I had been left hanging by his silence). I had also been dealing with other personal stuff (the memory of Mom's death around that time of year was one of them) and the pressure got to be too much. I became fixated on him, I poured my heart out to him, telling him that I wanted to date him, to get to know him, that the way he treated me compared to other girls was wrong (I even brought his ex into it), that I was heartbroken. He eventually answered, basically telling me that if I believed half the crap I was say, I should leave him alone, that I knew what I was getting into, how it was going to end. I followed up with one last email after a couple of days of reflection, telling him I'm sorry for everything I said, for hurting him, and what I was dealing with during that time. I even promised to get some help (which I did through some good friends) and not to contact him without his permission. He responded, admitting that he hurt me and that I should move forward.
I should note that after my last post on his blog during my meltdown, he blocked me from it. I came back to the blog a couple weeks after his last response, trying to congratulate him on his new book, like nothing happened, but it was clear that I was not welcome. Before this I found out that he had been talking to a girl in London every evening after work (when he was supposed to be getting a book ready for publishing), and he had posted on his blog about this. He was raving about how it had been a long time since he had been as interested in a girl as much as they were interested in him (this was strange because of how he talked to me before and also literally one week before this post, he was posting about how he had a hard time finding a girl to take him up on his offer for a date, blaming it on his social anxiety). He was raving about how gorgeous, intelligent, charming, etc. she was and that he was hoping that this became long term, even making plans to go see her A YEAR LATER as a birthday thing for him to go see castles with her (he loves castles and this girl happened to be a history buff). I was crushed. The only solace I had was the fact that less than a week after he posted about this girl, he took the post down, blaming lack of funds for the trip (and probably was embarrassed about his gushing). This seriously confused me as he was telling me at the beginning of June that he was done dating for a long time while he was hitting on me (I took it as I sign that he was truly done looking). I fear that my extended silence did something.
After my last attempt to post on his blog (which happened after the post about the London girl was taken down) I only bothered with the occasional text, thinking that if he didn't straight out tell me that I wasn't allowed to text that it was okay. I was careful not to bombard him, and only attempted one phone call close to his birthday in September. I was a total mess at the time. It wasn't good because I had my sister's wedding to deal with (I was making my own dress as I was in the ceremony). I barely had everything ready for the big day. I was surprised that I didn't collapse from the exhaustion.
The only good thing that happened was I became very close to an already good friend who was going through a similar situation (only it was more drawn out over the course of two years, but the guy was similarly unreliable in his communication). She also found out that a good guy friend of hers was in fact in love with her (he was trying to convince her ex not to break it off with her). She had come to him for comfort when her ex began pulling away a couple years ago. I was a happy witness to their realization of love. He immediately accepted me and was grateful for me being there for his new girlfriend.
I also met another guy online back in early August who was very lonely and socially awkward. We emailed each other for a week, then exchanged numbers and began a regular habit of calling each other twice a week (eventually turning to Skype by late October) and texting nearly every evening since then. I've ran to him when the pain from the breakup was too much. I told him everything I was going through amongst everything else, we got to know each other very well. He was encouraging and hoped that I would have a chance to speak to Paul again. I didn't think it would ever happen.
The day after my sister's wedding is when it did happen. Paul texted me out of the blue to ask how I was. This started a month long game of texting tag where we randomly check up on each other and share a little bit of what was going on with each other at the moment (it was a bit like the beginning of our relationship right before we became romantic, only it was a lot more toned down). After that month, he suddenly began hitting on me again. He admitted that he had been recently dumped by a girl (it wasn't the London girl) and that he was feeling a bit lonely (he asked what was it that I liked about him, and he told me that I was a good person when I did). We texted a lot the next few days (VERY ROMANTICALLY), but the next week when he initiated contact, I made the mistake of telling him about the other guy, who I happened to invite to come see my hometown (he was into road trips and we were only mildly interested in each other).
Paul began asking some odd questions. He even guessed it was a guy before I said anything once I said that I was having a friend over. I admitted to only being mildly interested and not expecting anything to happen, but Paul kept pushing. He wanted me to go for it. He didn't even seem phased by the fact that I might be seeing someone on the side (or him on the side). I wasn't. I even apologized for not realizing that we were in fact seeing each other again. I just thought he was looking for comfort and that he would say something if he wanted to establish a relationship again. I admitted that I still had feelings for him during this conversation, but if he wanted to break it off, I understand (of course I didn't want to, but I didn't want to seem clingy like I did the last time which apparently let to the first breakup). He kept encouraging me until I relented. I tried to initiate romance with him, but it didn't take.
I finally decided to share a couple of my fears about going after the guy (I never kissed anyone before and I was worried that it wouldn't work out as it didn't seem possible). Paul was utterly confused by my hesitation and fear. I remembered that I said that I gave my heart away to easily, and he immediately said that I haven't given my heart, I just don't know it yet. I clarified by saying that I emotionally invest too much in guys that I happen to like. This just made Paul even more confused (which confused me as I was admitting a flaw that he had pointed out before). This was the point where he started ranting about how I was a mess of contradictions. He said that I need to get out on my own and get my head on straight (referring to me living with Dad still). I asked what did he mean, and he said that I was sheltered and didn't know the ways of the world, that I didn't know this guy very well just like I didn't know him very well, that if it didn't work out who gave a crap (he used another word), that I orbited around him which was dangerous (strange that he brought that up when I had been careful not to be pushy after my meltdown), that he was messed up (used another bad word) and I couldn't fix him. There were other things he said, but it was along those same lines.
I responded by saying sorry for being such a burden on you, that he had no idea what I've been through (bad move on my part, but I was upset at that point). Paul said so what he's been through a lot too, that I can't go through life being a victim (what?). I told him that I need to release the pressure on my emotions every once in a while or I'll go crazy, that this is what friends do, they share their fears and insecurities. His response was, yet it goes on and on, no comfort is enough. I was really upset at that point. I asked what was wrong with him, and tried to counter the claims that he made about me (the orbiting for example). I said something about not needing to know someone for 10 years to love them. I pointed out to a post he made last December about falling in love with his friends easily (was referring to platonic love between friends. I still considered Paul a friend).
His response? He asked me why was I unable to go for more than a week without texting him (apparently texting someone every few days was considered orbiting) after he block me on his blog, told me to stop (which he didn't) and deliberately ignored my messages for months. I took me a while before I could respond. I had been under the impression that it was still okay, but I also told him that I was slowly phasing him out of my life (I was, though it was with the hope of eventually reconciling). He didn't respond. Later, with a cool head, I explained what had been going on with me. I had been working seven days a week with two jobs and that my new guy friend had been a very calming influence, but everyone around me has been making our friendship to be much more serious which was scaring me. Two days later, he told me to concentrate on the guy when he came to see me the next weekend.
I did was he told me, but continued sending random texts every few days, thinking that he just didn't want to take my attention away from the other guy. I eventually got a response almost three weeks later, with him telling me that he made a new female friend he want to go out with. My heart sank at that point. I asked him if she was pretty. He said yes. I said oh. He asked if things weren't working out with the other guy. I admitted that me and the other guy were still just friends and talked a lot, but there was no real spark. Paul's response was that's how it starts (this truly irked me. He was still under the impression that I was wanting to be serious with the other guy). Then he immediately asks me to give him space as he wanted to give this new girl a go without someone looking over his should (How could I be? I was in another state merely sending messages he could easily ignore.) I didn't contest his assumption about me and the other guy or his need for space and simply said okay, that I was sorry for the way I've acted the past year. He said thank you for understanding and good luck (referring to the other guy again).
So, I'm now stuck, still pining for him while running to the other guy and my friends for comfort. The guy I had been talking too suddenly offered to be more than friends last week, even though he understood that I was still brokenhearted. I said that I would keep it in mind, but that I needed to sort out my feelings first. It wouldn't be fair to him when I'm still thinking of Paul. I'm even dreaming about talking to Paul on Skype (which we never had the chance to do). The other guy assures me the pain will fade over time and that even though we were still technically just friends, he was happy to be there for me. This guy is so sweet and obviously puts me on a pedestal, but I do have some serious reservations about him, things that I probably should have mentioned to Paul. The other guy is very negative about himself. We do talk about a lot of things and are even a little romantic towards each other (but not at the intensity that was be between Paul and me), but we've had repeated conversations about his self-esteem issues, sometimes about one particular issue over and over. I don't mind going out and doing things with him, and I don't mind being a good friend and being there for him, because goodness knows, I could've used such help, but I don't see it going beyond what we have now, though it is tempting to accept his offer of being more (it was my need for comfort that made me think about it).
I'm also discovering a great deal about myself through this other guy (who seems to reflect me) and about the idiocy I brought between Paul and me through the relationship I have with this guy. I'm realizing what I really need to do next if I ever get another chance. I keep feeling like it isn't over, that this girl Paul is dating is just another in a long line of girls he's dated. It's funny that every time I turn around after he admits to being done with anything serious, he finds another who he wants to give an honest try to. He never considers me. I know I did some stupid things, but he not entirely clean. I remember during that last argument that I told him that if he was going to date another girl that he just tell me instead. He did this last time, but I fear it might end up being the last time I get to talk to him.
This was rather long, but I wanted you to see what I've been dealing with. I hope you are doing well. I don't want to bring any stress to anyone, but this has been a very confusing and heartbreaking ordeal. Even if I did learn something, I still regret the direction it went. I still love Paul and want another chance. The only thing that keeps me going are my friends and a good guy who at this point is admitting that he would do anything to ease my pain. He can't. All he can do his just be there until I see another opening. Most would tell me to give up, but I'm stubborn. If there's anything to you can tell me that might help, I appreciate it.
Nice to hear from you! and you really shared a lot there I will admit i took it in parts – you really either have a great memory for the relationship twists and turns or you take good notes about them (or journal?) – i am not sure i would be able to keep track! all through though – everything you said you sound very strong and mature to be honest – i like the way you have of being able to step outside of yourself within these relationship situations so that you gain an objective view about them (or try to anyway) but i do get that about you and that is a wonderful life skill i think
as for Paul hmmm i don’t know – i get what you are saying about the spark with him being there and not as much with this new guy (however that can change you know i think every relationship sort of has its own style and manner of growing (or evolving) so that could really becomes something nice for you (and he sounds very open to you) – i think you are in a wonderful place to be honest you have two gentlemen who fancy you and you are in a position to keep a cool head and let your heart guide you to what is real in feelings – and maybe let your head guide you as far as what is really working out and it sounds like Paul is some work for you!
i don’t have any insights for you really though – we could look at some cards however i am not really certain to what direction we should look? do you have an area with Paul you would like to open up? Or with this new person? it is up to you – i am not really a great advice person that is for sure! i have made plenty of dumb mistakes in love and relationship so i feel pretty lame in offering a view on relationships (probably one reason i love cards so much in relationship matters is that you can objectify the relationship a little and then that can help to detach a little emotionally and look at it all with a calm cooler view (you sound like me though a more into feeling person and very sensitive to your deep heart passions and all so i think looking at cards can be helpful in those cases to allow you to gaze at it all from some distant vantage point that isn”t anchored to any one person place or thing
i waited a little and did sort of model out the three way relationship there and it didn’t show us anything we didn’t already know – guy from your past you are really wild about and yet the relationship has its share of challenges and new guy who is really becoming a rising star in your East perhaps? i think they each have equal charms just in different ways for you and me? (this is just me talking) i would be so thrilled to have two men like that with dialogue and interacting with them both that just all sounds dreamy to me
how about you?
(i know you feel like you have to choose? maybe let the universe choose for you? nice to see you out there JoyLily you keep goin’ the universe is looking out for you