Ladies Take Back Your Power

  • After reading many stories about cancer men in particular, but men of all signs, I recently decided to put my foot down HARD. I realized that the drama in my life was being caused, not by my cancer lover, but from me. I decided that I would no longer allow myself to be confused by anything untangible. We agreed a few weeks ago to "just be friends". This came after 3 years of unpredictable behavior (on his part). I realized after I just let go of my expectation that there was even drama in my life when he was consistant (worried about the next time he might pull away). Scince I made the resolve to look out for myself and my needs, would you believe that he has called every day, not even a hint of distance in his eyes,voice,no where. Now that my needs and dramatics have become minimal, he has turned back into the person who I use to be friends with. Don't get me wrong he still gives me the meaningful glances, tells me he loves me,wants, needs me, that he is lucky to have me in his life, that he depends on me blah, blah, blah. But that is no longer enough to make me drop my gaurd I don't feel safe with him. I told him in our "just be friends" talk that I no longer feel safe with my heart in his hands, so I have to take it back. I am now openly seeing other men, not to hurt him, not to change him, or anything like that, I'm doing it because this is what I need to do in order to feel good about myself. If he is unwilling to sacrifice, to fight, to wait , in other words everything I did for him, then it is HE who has lost ME (not the other way around). I won't accept anything less then a full out declaration of love and devotion, I want to feel the security that I have offered for the last 6 years (3 as friends). He tries to monopolize my time, calls me all hours of the night, and wants to see me on my off days. I entertain him for the most part ( I still love him) but when there's another offer I tell him I have plans or I'll have to call HIM back. When he tries to implore about if it's with another man I say "Why are you asking" or "Wouldn't you like to Know?" When I feel, see and hear the sincerity in his touch, eyes, and voice I will take him seriously, but before submiting to any thing physical or emotional I will set boundriens and make rules, the violation of them will result in his being demoted back to "just a friend" status or terminated from my life. Scince I have made these changes I have never felt so good about me and our relationship. I use to be afraid of him never returning if I didn't play by his rules, now the tables have been turned, roles have been reveresed. LADIES TAKE BACK YOUR POWER! THIS IS YOUR LIFE, AND YOU'VE ONLY GOT SO MUCH LEFT! . I haven't felt this much in control of my situation scince we started dating and it feels good, no it feels damn good.

  • Sexygem,

    What can I say except... very well said, couldn't agree more..

    Isn't it sad that a lot of men (not all of course) seem to behave like little mommy's boys these days though..

    It's like they need to be entertained at all times and inwardly demand that their woman be a lot stronger than them so they can reciprocate their affection. It makes their love' very conditional : I'll love you if you don't depend on me for anything; however I'm entitled to depend on you for my every emotional need just like in the good old days with mommy.'

    These men also chase after you the minute they sense you're no longer interested or have just about given up on them. Is it, on top of everything else, reminiscent of a primitive need to `hunt' I wonder, tee hee..

    I'd say these guys are mere compulsive masochists, in my humble opinion.

    All the same, I wish you good luck and all the best Sexygem ;-D

  • Thank you I agree

  • Yes I like that story too. As they say the only way to change someone's behaviour is by changing your own. Hard sometimes but sooo true!


  • It is so true, and hard inspite of the fact that our the only person's behavior we can trully control is our own.

  • Thank you, that is so inspiritional. I am going through the same thing in my life.

  • well said sexy gem. Recently started doing the same thing and guess what? I have become more attractive to men then ever before!

  • Excellent! Sounds like my plan...You go girl!!!!!!!

  • That is the best way to do it. As a leo I always believe I have to love myself before loving anyone else. This is how I cope up with manipulative and immature people, whether it is friends or more than friends. I never let them put me down, even if they broke my heart, I kept looking for the right man. I have always believed I deserve love and guess what I found him, married 8 years now going strong. I wouldn't be this happy if I wasted my time on those before him. Love yourself, first and foremost.

  • thank you leoscorp for your encouragement we need more of this on here for us ladies that are really putting our best foot forward to move on from broken hearts. I know what is really helping me is books I have been reading on setting healthy boundries in all relationships. Its hard. I have gotten different reactions from different people in my life when I started putting these tools into practice. Some of my loved ones didnt like it and those that like my backbone are the ones I am keeping around me the most. I used to have no idea what healthy boundries looked like and I am naturally a giving and caring person. I made HUGE mistakes be cuz I thought I was here to serve everyone but me. I thought saying no and not being at the mercy of everyone else was selfish. In reality I was the one who needed help. I needed to help myself and figure out when to step in and when to back off. I really want to encourage all the women to please stop putting yourself last and take really good care of yourselves. It takese a little practice and balance to put boundries into place but wow is it ever worth it. Our society teaches girls from early on to BE NICE. But we arent taught that you need to be nice to yourself and it isnt mean to say no to certain things in life its just being wise. Love to you all!

  • sexygem, would you consider...........he is letting you go to let you grow without having him to save you and vice versa? very healthy blog from u and my only nudge of additional insight might be, try it on your own before u date strangers. you've had a solid leaning post, as rocky as it's been with him. get to know yourself. yes, you going out with others kills him but I sense u guys, albeit young, may not have to be that petty. i'll bet it feels great and affirming to be desired but others but do you feel yourself detached and impatient with their company after you know you have their interest? Consider diving into YOU and what you want with your life that will make you happy, man or no man, right now.maybe?

  • I have spent a lot of time alone, thinking and hoping it would prove my loyalty to him, now I have to prove I can be loyal to myself. I am at times impatient with my other companions, problably because I still love the cancer, but sitting around wating for him to see things my way hasn't done any good. I am still single and avaialble so I see no reason, not to date at all. Sitting around watching tv, eating bon bons will just make me miss him. As far as our remaining in contact, he still has a chance to change my dating status, and if he doesn't someone else will. When someone does step up and want an exclusive commitment ( who I like too) I will stop dating other men.

  • Hi SexyGem:

    I'm new to this blog. This is my first time and I have to say that I agree with everything that you stated. As individuals, we have to be willing to take a good hard look at ourselves when something is not going right in our relationships and it's when we do this in a straight forward truthful manner that we see the positive, enpowering changes that occur all around us.

    I am very proud of the way that you handled the situation in such a straight forward, honest manner. Fear is the biggest stumbling block for everyone. F - False; E - Elusions; A - Appearing; R - Real. It's when we realize that we can break out of that fear cycle, that we do have the strength to over-come the problem and that there are many more opportunities out there, and that all it takes is a positiver change of attutude implementing your "Freedom of Will" everything always changes for the "Better Good of All.

    You were luckier that I have been. I have seen what was happening to be for quite a while, however, the realization occurred for me after marrying my partner. He became very controlling, manipulative, emotionally abusive financially micro-managing. It was a tough road for me, however, I was smart enough to get help for myself and I also reported him for his antics and took the chance of getting hurt by reporting him. It's when you are willing to let go of the fear, even though you think that you are not afraid, that opportunities for solutions appear and change occurs. I am happy for you that you were able to come out of that situation before the final I Do's and heartaches!!!

    Many Blessings,


  • Hi there,

    This also applies to my own situation and I'm taking back my power from my parents and brother. It's about bloody time! I have to live my life too. Many thanks, and it's really good to see that you're getting out and meeting other men, having friends etc. Makes you all the more unobtainable. Well done! To be in control and not be the victim. Go girl!!! xx

  • This is what I have been trying to tell people in the thread I started titled "Why are your complaining?". I was thinking about eloping out from the whole forum due to all the worries about men and immature boys. Really, we are masters, we are gods, we are the ones who are leading our lives. We must not give ourselves to anything that just happen to pop into our lives. We must be diligent in trusting ourselves and working towards inner success. And that we can not find by surrendering our souls to the first handsom man we just happen to meet. I wont stay much longer in this forum, due to this excact problem that people are giving themselves. It is simply because of lack of knowlege, and to keep explaining it again and again is on the long rund just boring.

  • Hello Hanged Woman, good advice, once again. We really are the masters, we are the ones who are leading our lives. Women do not seem to trust themselves and it is so important to work towards our inner success. You are a star Hanged Woman, keep up your good advice.

  • Yepp, I am a star;-) Good to hear the acknowlegement;-) In the Bible, God Allmighty says to human beings: I have said to you: You are gods, you are all children of The Highest One. But because you live as humans (I read: animals) you will die as humans (I read: animals) . But I say: You are gods and you must live as gods. I am your origin and you should trust Me in everything you do. I am with you at all times, I am your shephard. Why dont you trust Me?

    But when people surrender their lives to handsom men with silly character flaws that make them fit to be called s luts etc, then we loose. Then we loose our true purpose in this life, we loose ourselves to infactuations for men whom do not deserve anything from us. We are better than how we treat ourselves. Women treat themselves worse than we should. We should respect ourselves, and not let these poor men control us. There is too much lust and desires and lack of faith in our highest selves in this world. We must understand that we are in fact by law, by divine law gods - we are children of The Healing Light. We must learn to follow it. And it is sooooo easy, because it is inside of us. That is why Jesus Christ said: "Listen everybody: Heaven is inside of you!"

    Why did Jesus Christ not marry? Why? To show people that it is possible to come to heaven without ever having s ex. Jesus never even could do it for himself. He could not "come" for himself even. He had no foreskin. Men with no foreskin can not do it himself. They can not use the hand to get satisfaction. Jesus was circumsiced and lived his entire life without ever having that physical satisfaction.

    It seems that people believe that if they only marry the right person, then they will come to heaven. It is therefore an amasing thing that Jesus Christ died as a virgin. This means that it is God Allmighty who heals us, no human being needs to be healed by another human being. We are solely healed by God Allmighty. So we dont need to worry about who is our "right" one. We just need to trust God Allmighty and let "Him" send us the right life, the right husband, the right friends, the right people. It is really not necessary for us to "do" anything other than trust the Allmighty Provider of us all. The Allmighty Father, our origin.

    I will probably move from this forum to a forum with more religious motives, since I love the monotheism more than all this "what will happen"-philosophy that people are living with here. People are having this panick for the future etc because of lack of faith. I urge everyone: Please believe that you are better, you are more, you are deeper, you are higher than you ever can imagine with you mind. Mind is not created to understand the spiritual, the divine is only for the soul to percieve. So we can not understand God with our mind. I urge people to trust the creator even if we do not feel it, see it, smell it or reach it in any way. God is our saviour, our healer, our creator. He can change everything and anything. There is no limit for what He can do when we trust Him entirely. No limit. Really no limit at all.

  • What I said was: Jesus Christ had no f oreskin. Wow, familyfriendly site.

  • Excellent...just excellent. The saying about one person completing the other is so EVIL. How can we continue to accept? We come to a place and learn to love ourself and then we realize we need/want/dsire to be complimented by another for we ARE already complete. FYI on my second marriage(22+yrs) and my mate and I both came from the ugly place you are rising above...together we learned how to love ourselves without the 'guilt' we were together for 3and half years before and the time was spent on being more real to and for one another. We still tend our own garden and each others and it is a beautiful life. Keep on Keeping On and again excellent. so uplifting...Blessings Be

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