Dear Blmoon I need you
Well its been a long time since we have talked. For a long time I needed you every day it seems, but life has been pretty good to me and I am doing my very best to keep my chin up and have hopes for my future.
I have a couple of things I need some help with if you don't mind.
First of there is a man who comes in my store, he smiles at me and flirts a bit, I really like him, but that's as far as it goes. Should I leave it alone, or try harder with him?
Also I am having Drew trouble now. He and his girlfriend broke up a month ago, and she got really bad. She punched him in the face, said horrible things about him and about me and even emailed some of his female friends with threats. He was so mad at her and determined to stay apart and then somehow they got back together. Now he is pulling away from me and I don't know what to do.
Then there is today. I was jerked awake by a text from someone who didn't leave there name saying they hope I have a nice day, and still mad about that and half asleep I sat at my computer and got an email from Ron saying he is sorry, but he is broke and has to cut my support payments in half because he can't afford them anymore.
I called mt lawyer, but haven't gotten a reply yet.
Help please. I could really use your insight and your special gift today.
oh I've missed you! but yet knew it was a good sign and you were doing well----meaning that no life wasn't perfect but you were handling things like everybody else. First, not surprised about Ron, I remember telling you that despite any court victory it would still be work getting him to comply for too long and considering his problems he will never have financial security. He does have to go through the system though. He can't just cut you off or reduce payment. He must apply for a reduction through the agency in your state that governs that---either DCF--or the dept of internal revenue. Whoever collects his payment and sends it to you. He must redo a total financial disclosure to prove change in income. You definitely need a lawyer because these agencies are bogged down and make mistakes and are hard to talk to. Anything government is difficult to deal with on your own. If he has already applied then you will get the paperwork as well to do your side all over again---giving your financial situation.You need your lawyer to make sure he is not hiding anything. I think he was testing the waters with you to see were your at----if you are at all that person who he once could dominate. If he just doesn't send you all your money your lawyer will advise you to NOT accept that outside the system but will most likely file a contempt of court . Actually you can file that yourself. Do it fast as the court has a time limit they give him to comply or face the legal punishment of your state. Usually, first consequence is driver's license suspension and after that a court ordered appearance where the judge either gives him a time deadline to pay all he owes or he can go to jail. Most state do arrest for this. He's stingy about seeing a lawyer so he may not realize if he gets called before the judge that the judge will not care about his financial situation but can only uphold the current court order as is. He does have to apply for a change of finances---that takes a while! So if he does not send your money then you report it immediately so it goes through the system. He needs to know you will not play. Realistically, you will always have to be ready to go back to court with him. Just keep it all business----spend the money on good legal help and avoid personal exchanges with him. You must have that firm boundary with him---you earned that! I'm sorry to hear about your son! Every mother's nightmare. This is the fallout of his relationship with his father. He is in an abusive relationship---he is playing out being drawn to a relationship that repeats the helplessness he's endured. AND he's in a place that fires up his pent up anger. She is possessive and worse dangerous! Her anger has no restraint--like a loaded gun. Your son will not stay long because he can't live without space for himself. He feels smothered and when he makes a boundary she goes ballistic. She is pulling him away from you----he gives in to have peace and she has two sides----it's his lesson to decide if her good side he thinks he loves is worth it. Sound familiar? That you can love half a person just to be abused by their other half? You have to be firm on your own boundaries despite his. Threats and violence need legal consequences. A temper like that will get arrested. It's hard but try and use calm reason with him as he gets charged up and their relationship is all emotion. He will be coming back to you. You can say things like "if a man punched me in the face" and threatened others how would you feel about that? What would be your advice to me?" He's caught up in a place of ALL emotions so you have to put him back in his head and YOU have already been there. You have already had to master your emotional side to protect yourself so you do have what it takes to advise him but realistically it is no overnight fix. He's growing up. He will make mistakes you see coming but can't take the wheel for him. All you can do is be there for him. Never argue with this girl in a heated way but be in your power and let her know you will not be bullied and you WILL call the police if she ever decides to bring that on. She's a bully. Never get sucked into their drama--they need you at their level to be who they are. I see the number 3 so expect something to happen probably in three days. As for the flirt. Spirit says he is perfect practice for you. Know what you truly need in a man and then practice how THAT man should respond. You definitely do not want the man who is TOO much mystery or hides. Flirt back a little and see how he reacts. When he comes through again smile and say well alright--my favorite customer! If he never comes back well he ain't for you! You do not want a man who seems to be TOO good to be true as if he's not real but saying whatever he thinks will please you AND you do not want a man who is so insecure he turns it on then off so your never sure. There are guys that flirt by nature so it is hard to tell if it's just for you. BUT you can just ask--that's what's great about being your age---you can speak up like a big girl who doesn't waste time. Next time he obviously flirts---you can put your hands on your hips and say "do you flirt with all the ladies--or am I really that special?". SPEAK UP GIRLFRIEND---you earned it! BLESSINGS!
Thanks for your reply, you always make things so clear for me.
Ron hasn't had a change in his income he probably is just tired of her complaining about thembeing broke.
I got a call back from my lawyer and he says not to worry, that any change has to be done in court and that would reqire a change in income and since he doesn't have one he is out of luck.
I do worry about Drew and I do think he will move out with her, but I pray they don't have a baby together as she doesn't get family ties and I even tried to reach out to her for his sake and she just ignored me, so she and I have no contact at all.
She is living with a room mate about an hour away and Drew goes there on the week ends.
I know I should say something to the cute guy, but I don't have a lot of confidence right now and I so love the smile he gives, I am afraid he will stop coming in if I push.
It has been over 5 years since I even went to dinner or a movie with a man, and I am starting to think maybe it will always be this way.
That's okay if it is, I am happy with my life the way it is as long as I can afford my house and the silly things I do like baking and gardening, I am just fine.
Drew's girlfriend is determined to push a more marriage like situation and your fear is realistic. I had that come up once with my youngest. And yes it is very scary. All my sons were not in a hurry to marry as they saw it as a serious commitment that meant they would be responsible as the man to take care of someone else and that scared them. They all at that age were aware that they could not even take care of themselves yet securely! I feel Drew feels that way---he gets it-- that making a home with a woman is a big deal. I never expressed my pregnancy fears to my son because there had already been a strain between us over my not so happy approval of her. It was his first real girlfriend. I had to back off praying she would not pull the pregnancy card. She had already convinced him to quit college---just for one semester which of course turned into many. He worked instead giving her endless handouts.To make things worse while attending a huge 21 birthday bash thrown at a restaurant by her parents I listened in horror as the girls mother was wishing out loud for a grand baby!! They did break up and my son had a very hard time and I watched him withdraw pitifully then throw himself into working long hours for several years. He went from a big open hearted too generous boy into a cynical man. But you have to give them their growing space. And his x girlfriend did get pregnant immediately by a new boyfriend! So, my fears were real about her intention. It was very hard during theier dating as she was so possessive that she never let him have a moment alone with anyone. He had always been a pleaser and caretaker so it makes sense once he entered the adult world he had to learn boundaries. He still battles that. My son's have accused me of raising them to be too nice! I think Drew's girlfriend will reach her impatience limit with him. And will throw herself to another man and she will hurt your son deeply. But like when they are little and touch a hot stove and blister their delicate little hand----they learn something. I still had my own psychic back then and she told me I had to stop putting a diaper on the boy and as painful as it would be for him and me that that girl would make him a man. and she was right. As for you being content! That's exactly when a good man notices. Life is ironic. BLESSINGS!
Me again. Well my birthday is next week and for some reason it always makes me sad. I feel so alone in the world, like I can't break out of the comfort zone I have created to protect my heart.
I work so hard and spend my days off cleaning and cooking and basically nesting and I have no life outside of that.
The cute guy still smiles, and stares, but that's it, I feel maybe he has someone else
I am about to turn 54 and this is not what I had planned, I still miss him even though I know he is not the same man he was.
He told Ty last week he is sad and lonely for his sons,
My lawyer is working on getting his wages attatched and he told the boys the irs is investigating him.
Do you see anything in the future for me? Help me please
how nice to hear from you---but wish you were not sad! Turning 54? I turned 60 in May!! I reflected on how turning fifty five felt so scary old---and NOW---wish I was 55 or even 54. Enjoy were you are in life----one day you will be 64, or 74 or even 84! And kicking yourself for not enjoying a young 54. I feel the same way with not having much of a social life----it actually feels like wearing lead shoes. These things can change. Sometimes you are too busy surviving and building a better you and that's all you can handle---I spent the last 5 years surviving my son's death and other family issues. Now I'm over the hump and like you realize I miss something more---to be whole enough to be a part of groups and doing things--socializing---meeting new people. Like you---and a coincidence that today I looked around my house feeling---it never ends, always something to get done and said to myself---maybe I should leave the to do list and drive to the beach! Nancy, you have come a long way! All your focus was hard earned---you could not imagine making the changes you have--remember? So, here you are now ready for a new chapter but it is new territory and hard to imagine. So when the future has no reality yet we tend to slip into the past. That is normal. Also, you are not alone in this end of year lull---it's universal and a lot of folks are still tying up lose ends from big changes. It's in the planets. January will be much better for moving ahead for everyone. I have always seen a new man in your life. I smiled when you said that cute guy still sends you a vibe but you suspect he has someone---maybe he says the same about you! I still say you should be bold and when he comes through you should say--oh, my favorite customer---wish I had a man to do all the shopping for me! That's how you will find out if he's got a woman. What are you afraid of? That's the reward and beauty of being over fifty---we get to speak up---times a wasting! The fact that spirit is not telling what his situation is must mean this is good exercise for you to deal with being single and confident. I get that a man will show interest in a solid way Feb-- March. But do not dwell on it or you might just sit still and wait but who ever he is is not going to come to your door. Have you ever heard of meetup.com. They are everywhere and you can look through your area meetup groups. I check them out every now and then looking for a group. There are writers, sports, ghost hunters anything you can imagine. People join and meetup to socialize. There are so many mommy groups! That makes me laugh---boy mommy loves to escape now and then! There may be craft lovers. I saw lots of food lovers who met once a week to try a restaurant. That's all they do is meet at a new restaurant and enjoy the food and conversation--it includes singles and couples and even if you do not click one week there's always next time. You can even start up your own meet.up. This new you is going to have to step out of your comfort zone. You worked hard for this and life never gets were it's just "arrived somewhere"---you keep growing. This lull right now has two perspectives---you can see it as empty or as owning your progress--you survived! Give yourself some time to turn the next chapter. I know that you had to detach ---surrender yet protect yourself to do the hard stuff so yes you are tired of that and it will get better---right now you are a tight little bud--but you will blossom. Celebrate your birthday and indulge yourself. Buy something nice---have a decadent meal and count blessings. You have a home---while so many are losing theirs. No one tells you what to do! You know where your money is! You have a very good lawyer and been through enough legal war to know you CAN protect yourself. And you are not old but in a wise place to be 54---and some cutie still looks you over and smiles! Love is ageless----another man will come into your life---I saw that from day one. Be loving to yourself and keep a happy glow---and you will attract from a man what you already give yourself. Buy yourself flowers. BLESSINGS!
Thank you as always for your wise replies to me. I will celebrate my birthday, I told my sons instead of buying me gifts I would like them to all dress up a bit and take me out for a nice dinner at the place we all love but rarely go to. As a matter of fact we haven't been there since Ron left, so its been awhile.
I went out and bought myself a nice overpriced sweater to wear that night and I plan on not driving so I can have a drink or 2.
I was supposed to be on vacation next week, but my boss cancelled it saying it was too close to the holidays, that sucks, but oh well.
I have been having to talk to my lawyer a lot again and we are going to get Rons wages attatched. They seem to think he will try and go back to court and get the amount lowered, but without his wages getting lowered they don't think it will be a problem, plus this time they have told him they will charge him legal fees and court costs.
I hate having to deal with him all the time, even through my lawyer it just hurts so much to feel that I have to struggle to be okay, I deserve to have peace of mind.
Ron wrote me a nasty email and said he didn't leave me for her, he left because I am a bitter old women who hates everyone and forgives no one. He said his punishment will be to have to spend eternity next to me in hell.
Oh Nancy! what a desperate horrible thing to say to you! But really it proves how in power you are---he really is angry with his life and his unfinished issues with his mother and wants so desperately to cut you down to a pitiful hurt mess and it ain't working! And boy I bet you almost laughed about him calling you unforgiving! You did a lot of forgiving! I do not see you having to deal with this continually---I was sure he'd give it one more try as he still can't believe things did not go his way---he really did not expect you to be so strong for your self. As for hell---hell is on earth and that's why you had to divorce him. After trying to get what he wants one more time he will get a reality check and it will be a pain for him too. I love your birthday idea! You deserve it and you are a good person. You really are and never let any one tell you different. And your boss is a GRINCH! My youngest has a birthday next week and a good friend---I have always gotten along well with Sags----they are fun--free spirited and creative.
they bleeped H E LL l !
WEll my birthday was great, my boys all dressed up and took me to dinner, we went to the place that cooks in front of you on the big grill, steak and lobster and a little too much to drink, but we all had such a good time.
Last night my mom and sister took me to our favorite Mexican resterant and we had party #2, that was fun too.
Yesterday I was supposed to get my money from Ron and of course it wasn't there when I looked, but I got a text from him asking me to call him. I did and he sounded horrible.
He said he was sorry, he is so broke and he would get me my money on Thursday. He said he doesn't know what to do, he has no money and after the holidays will look for a second job.
I told him you don't sound too good, and he said Nancye my life is so stressful. I told him well you blew it, you had a good women a house and a happy life and you threw it all way, and he said I know.
That is as close as I ever got to him acknowledging his mistake.
I don't know if I will ever get more, but it helped me to know he knows
YES! I told you just as your life would make a joyous turn he would feel the pain----although he works hard at feeling nothing! I'm so happy for you---you earned this--it was not easy! And as a mother with grown boys---your birthday dinner sounds heavenly---I miss that most---being together all at once and just soaking in how handsome and precious my son's are! BLESSINGS! YOU ARE LOVED!.