In our Early 20's, experienced + inexperienced, bridging the experience gap

  • I've read loads of postings on tarot about love and relationships and this seems like a very safe community to receive well-meant advice from. I'm a Gemini girl in my early 20's, the young man I'm in a relationship with is a Pieces in his early 20's. He's really great, we get along famously and really enjoy each other's company. We've both been through rough patches before meeting and have some minor worries about relationships as consequence and when they surface, we talk about them - and do so easily. We're working through our worries together, reassuring each other and exploring our companionship and the mental side of things beautifully. We're taking it very slow, and it's worth every minute. Now we're starting to approach the realm of physical things. I've been politely kissed a couple of times, very sweetly and very brief pecks on the mouth and I'm more than happy to let him have the reins and wait until he feels comfortable to move further. We have a bit of a gap in life experience, nothing patience, a great deal of care and understanding won't make something wonderful out of - but it leaves me with some questions. I had a high school sweetheart to who I was betrothed for three years, I lost my virginity to him when I was 18 and I expected to spend the rest of my life with him, (but after three years of him being away at school and my finally finishing up my associates to transfer up to a closer school and work on my Bachelor's he began cheating on me, treating me rather badly) it eventual ended in him telling me he loved me but was not attracted to me any longer and wished to date someone else he met at school and a week later I ended up being physically abused and subsequently date-raped by the man I loved and trusted more than anything in the world, who had never previously shown or exhibited any violent behavior. So I am no longer a virgin, and I have been sexually abused. It's been about a year since all that happened. My current boyfriend and I have been seeing each other for about a month, it's someone I've known for years and have developed a very close relationship with over the last 7 of so months. He is a virgin, his experience was essentially one girl, who teased and manipulated him in high-school three years ago and that experience consisted of a date, his first kiss, and absolute heartbreak, but little else.

    I am his first girlfriend. I am confident we will have a brilliant and very enjoyable future. But I want to make bridging this gap in experience as easy as possible for him. We both want a commitment and a future together, and we're both willing to take it slow and deal with life as it comes, get to know and enjoy each other. I care about him a lot, and I really want to do all I can to make him feel comfortable and reassure him when it comes to the physical and mental things that will develop, the good and any bad - as we move forward. I feel like I have the mental side covered, we talk easily and openly and with a great deal of comfort about our mental state, I know that with reassurance and actions, we can get him to a place where he doesn't have to fear being hurt, as I need to, with my similar fears.

    The physical stuff though? I'm beyond lost...I got pretty much dragged through everyone of my experiences and I had no idea what I was doing, the other person was more experienced and I feel like I sort of just got dragged along for the ride, with no regard for my mental health or happiness. I'd like some advice on a couple of things: First, I want to tell him I'm not a virgin when it feels right, but I don't want to feel like I'm trying to trick him into falling in love with me before revealing that I'm not - so won't feel like I tried to deceive him in any way. Any thoughts about when/at what point (besides when it feels right)? I know that's crazy irrational, because I know he won't judge me, and he wouldn't abandon me just because I'm not a virgin, but it's my old fear creeping in on me because I've been hurt and I get paranoid about It, even though I rationally know if anything he'd probably be heartbroken to hear what happened to me, and if anything angry at the guy who hurt me. But he needs to know, he has every reason to know, and I want to trust him with that knowledge. Also, I think he might need to know about what happened to me so if for some strange reason I start having a panic attack in reaction to the physical stuff, however unlikely and rare that might be - he knows why, and he knows its not because of him. At the same time, I don't want to tell him and by doing so make him afraid to touch me for fear of making me uncomfortable, or scaring me. Again, thoughts? Thirdly I know when I found out my high-school sweetheart had already had sex with two people before me, long after I had fallen in love with them and we had been dating for a while, I was very hurt and very sad. No one like the idea of the person they care about having been in the arms of someone else and having been intimate with another person. I have no intention of hiding the truth from my guy, but I don't want the knowledge to hurt him. I don't think it matters that he's a guy, I'm pretty sure that would hurt any one to hear, plus I know he cares about me, I think he may love me, as I am finding I do him. I don't want to break his heart by telling him some other guy has already taken that from me. Thoughts? I want to eventually be completely physical with him down the road. I would be taking his virginity...and while I'm not daunted or worried about what it's gonna be like, (I mean everything takes practice, and if it's not great the first time, we'll work on it and get better) what I am worried about - is what he might be worried about. It's a early to be talking about all this with him, but it's something I think I should start thinking about, when he knows that I'm experienced (regardless of me only having had one boyfriend and having been in only one sexual relationship in my life) I imagine he's going to be worried that he's going to disappoint me because he's inexperienced. Is there anything I can do when all that comes up to make him feel comfortable so he doesn't stress out about it? I'm more than willing to help him learn and be patient, but I want him to enjoy it too - not being worrying over his "performance" so to speak. We care about each other, and when the day eventual comes, its should be about enjoying each other. I'm pretty sure in the coming months I can help him figure out kissing, we have loads of time to work up to the point of thinking about having sex, neither of us are in a rush, but I really want to be aware of what insecurities a guy who's still a virgin at 21 might face with a more experienced girl, about sex yes, but also about any other physical things that may daunt him, so I can start smoothing out those things now, and have time to get him to a more comfortable place way before we even approach that point. So if there are any guys out there, or girls who have had this experience with a guy before and are aware of what he's probably worried about, please share what you found helped reassure your guy/or how you might have been reassured, or how you would have liked to be or what you might have done differently. I have no experience to turn to in this matter, so I'm asking those who do. Thanks so much!

  • Hi Lalaithlingreen,

    1st of all, Im so sorry about you went thru, almost the same happened to me, its hard to let go, its hard not to hate the person that did this, especially its so hard to let us to be touched and love again, especially when it was someone that we completely trust and loved that did it.

    But whats important now is that u r moving on, that apparently from what u r saying u have found the most sweet boy, pisces are very sweet and loving, but they also are very private and if they ever get cheated they can forgive but they will never forget.

    U dont say how long u have been dating him, with time comes trust and thats when we confide our secrets if we feel we should to. So my advise is this, if he already said he was a virgin u should have told him that u werent, because he gave u the change and u didnt take it but its not to late to do it, just be honest with him, his not expecting for u to be a a virgin and u dont need to get into details, u lost it thats it, u can even say it wasnt that special, that 1st times arent awesome even being in love. About the other issue u can tell him too, if u think by being more intimate to him will freak u out, but only if its going to help u, cuz like u pointed out he wont know what to do, u will have to guide him and cuz he will be nervous and u too it can hurt a lil, even for u, why dont u both talk about it first, about if both of you want to take this relationship further and from there u can make ur decision, follow ur intuion, ur heart.

    When two beings want to be together theres nothing that can stop it from happening, if u two love each other, love will flow naturally and everything will happen the best way and it will get better and better. He will teach u on how to be cherish and u will teach him the art of love, is a fair trade.

    Dont worry so much, everything will be fine, if he loves u, it wont matter to him, what its going to matter is that from now on u two belong to each other.

    Another thing virginity is over rated, what matters is what our heart feels and how honest we are with each other, so dont stress about it, dont apologize for having a life, ask him to be gentle with u and assure him that it doesnt matter, that for u will be the first time too (with him is), its never the same thing, each guy is different, my love. Trust your feelings, put fear aside and let your love blossom.

  • Thank you very much, and I'm so sorry that you been through that. You're right it is hard, but I'm fining I am able to feel trust and love naturally, so I think in the long run that hurt will only help develop my sensitivity to other peoples hurts and help develop my character. Ahh, I only know he's a virgin because we both come from a very close group of best friends developed over the last year - among which is his older cousin, who is like a brother to me (also a virgin) and told me when I first told him I liked his younger cousin, to be aware that he is a virgin. Being that naturally he wants to look out for his cousin and protect him, and being that the older cousin knows what happened to me, I think he wanted to help, but maybe he shouldn't have told me, because I'm not sure y boyfriend would have wanted his older cousin to have done that, rather than eventually tell me himself. As far as I know, my boyfriend does not know that I'm aware that he's a virgin. I actually appreciate that - it helps me feel less afraid to be honest. But you've actually answered my question perfectly then. When we have the conversation about him being a virgin, I will tell him that I am not and what he needs to know without going into any kind of detail about the sexual abuse. That way it is a natural conversation rather than feeling as if am forcing it. Thank you, I hadn't thought of that, though it now seems the most obvious course of action. 🙂 Thanks for the reassurance, maybe he isn't the only one who needs it, maybe I do too. And you're right, and I guess like everything else we'll talk about it and sort things out and help each other. I'm still getting used to this idea that someone actually cares about me, and I'm don't exist purely to serve someone else, but as part of a partnership, it's very nice 🙂 The last bit is the best advice, thanks again, will do my best! ^_^

  • U r most welcome. What u just said about how u found out about your boyfriend being a virgin and that this same person know about you, made me think that maybe your boyfriend know about your situation too. Funny hun? See u dont have anything to be worry about, both of u have a great friend that is watching over you guys.

    Never regret what u did for love, it was done with the best intentions, no ones perfect but we can always try to be better, but remember this, we are in this planet to be happy not to serve others purposes but our own, its thru pain that we learn our lessons and how to become better souls, I think u have learned plenty already, but just because u trusted the wrong person doesnt mean u cant trust anyone, just learn on how to listen to your intuiton, shes the perfect councelor and friend. Be happy, try ur best to think always positive and you will achieve great things for your life, remember the old saying that every cloud have a silver lining. Im glad I could help u a lil. Best wishes!!! 🙂

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