The Hanged Woman - strangled by her illusions of a perfect world
Dear friends and family.
I am tired. I tried my best. I think I have failed.
I wish I was not the only one. I wish I was not alone. I wish I was in a better state, in a better situation, in a better life, in a better spiritual life. I am disappointed and I have not yet accepted the situation that I am in.
Self interest is one of the most destructive forces in the world. Even to oneself. Why am I the only one who feels like that? Why can we not together build a better world? Why am I the only one who thinks so? I am in bad company. I thought I was really blessed, but I am beginning to see that I am cursed. Something is there to misguide me, to lead me away from the Land of Light. I must have made the wrong choice, since I do not see the fruit of my labour.
What is it that you are trying to achieve - and how are you going about it?
I have problems in my relationship with a man.
I am trying to achieve a life with peace inside.
My husband is like a devil. I am truly free, but he is like an energy-thief. He only has chaotic feelings for me. And it is tiresome for me. I am tired.
I am free. But I also wish that I was not the only one to be free. He is negative. He is not positive. He is selfish. It is tiresome for me on the long run. I wish I could be a positive attribution in his life. I wish I could influence him. But he is not possible to influence. He is stubborn. I think he is depressed. I have done a lot of work to help him. He is negative in return. I can not influence him. He only thinks negatively. Every positive thought I share with him, he declines. He only invites negative feelings between us. I think he behaves as if he has mental problems. I think I made a mistake to marry this guy.
I wish some heavenly voice would tell me that he will stop being so negative towards me. I wish some heavenly voice would tell me that everything will change into the positive for all of us. In stead I hear his voice saying that life is so bad and that he is soo unhappy. I have not done anything wrong to him, not ever.
Can anyone, anyone, do anything at all to help me? To save me? Please, anyone, save me.
Such is the feeling of helplessness. The wish to give away all responcibility, the wish to surrender my whole self to something outside of myself. To not take responcibility. To not do anything. But to be given by a greater God.
But noone is there. Just a feeling of being unloved, inapreciated. But oh, I hear one voice: "I will divorce you. I do not love you. I am unhappy with you." Oh, that voice. I remember that voice. The voice of a negative source of energy constantly vomiting his disrespect of human life on to me.
And why does he not divorce me? I have no idea. But I am beginning to wonder why I should not divorce him.
Because I am beginning to see that he is a constant shower of negative energy. I have been waiting for the light to change. From a dark light to actual light. But he only wants to spread his depression, his complaints, around himself.
And to close himself into that space of darkness. "Bye, bye." I say. Bye, bye, vampire. Bye, bye, thief. The best of luck to you. You will need it.
Noone can ever save anybody. We are all alone. There is noone to help us when we truly need it.
The only essence of true worship is the acknowlegement that we are all truly alone without the giver of Life. We are truly alone. Only God can save us. Only God can help us. This is the essence of true worship.
Will he ever in reality divorce himself from me? That is what I want to know. Since he constantly talks about it. I am tired of hearing about what he is going to do. What about me? Am I not beautiful? Do I not have many many men to choose between? I am beautiful, and many men indeed do feel attracted by me. Yet I have chosen to love with this devil. I probably complain as much as him. Now. The cup is full - of complains. This disease that this man has (emotionally) is a bad environment. I can not take anymore of this negativity. From a person whom I have never wronged. It is surrealistic.
Why do you stay with this man? It is not anyone's job to change anyone but themselves. He is not supposed to be your problem but you are making it so. I do not think you are actually free because in your mind you tie yourself to so many people whom you think you have to help. Help yourself and just be a good example to all - you are tired because you are carrying everyone around on your back. That is not freedom. It doesn't mean you cannot love and care for other people but you have to allow them to learn their own lessons, not prop them up forever. Live as you want and let other people live as they want.
It is simply because he is my husband.
Hangedwoman you know the answer - leave him he will never change and you deserve so much better but only you can change it. Heed the captains advice - it is a long and painful journey but you will be stronger and happier in the long run.
Thank you captain for all your wise advice and for helping all of us. You are a light at the end of the tunnel blessed be
He may be your 'husband' but is he your true partner and helpmate? That is what spouses should be to each other if a true marital bond is to flourish and endure. It sounds like he is your husband in name only. Perhaps you are afraid of being alone, out on your own after being with someone for a long time?
I dont want to tell the whole truth out here in the forum. I want to keep being anonumous.
I have a very bad energy in my attitude to having an actual relationship. I wish to not spread it out, it is really wrong. I do not want a true marriage and I do not believe in it. I should not say it, because it is like manifesting it even stronger, like cursing myself even more, and even like spreading it to others, teaching others about how self destructive it is possible to be. I wish to spread inner peace and love, and not this. So I will not say so much about this, because it is not right to talk about. A truly bad energy must only be surrendered to the Light. And in time it will be, gradually, cleaned away. And this negative energy, that is keeping me to this person, and that guided me perfectly to marry this person, this energy, is yes preventing me from being free in truth.
The cleansing I am doing, is stronger than the bad energy that is guiding me to hurt myself emotionally. The cleansing is stronger. That is what I mean. Eventually I will surrender this aswell.
At least, if I never let go of this, I will be trapped by it forever - and never free. In the cleansing I am free, only because I am then on my right path. If I refuse to surrender, I will not be free from it. It is I who have to do it. Someone else can not let go of this for me. Only me. That is the sad truth. That noone can in reality help me from something that is wrong in myself. Only God who heals if I surrender everything to the Light. As a non-religious, but sincere spiritual act.
Oh God, save us from ourselves. And no, God can not save us from ourselves. It is not possible. Because I do not want to let go of my self-hatred. It is a trap. But I must continue to believe that it is possible. I must continue to say yes to my own inner healing. I must continue to at least say that I am willing to surrender everything to the Light and let myself transform. Because in this rate, I sure wont come far if I dont change how I live spiritually. I dont "work" hard enough. I am not sincere enough. I am not in truth following the right path. I just thought I was. I truly thought that I was. That I married such a selfish creature, who seem to not at all appreciate me or see me, at all, is a clear sign that I am lost.
Let me be more sincere, more believing in the inner healing, let me be opened up to the new life, the new world, the true awakening of my soul, only given by the true Light, by the only force that can truly save me from myself.
If you don't let go of self-hatred, you will not heal. What do you fear might happen if you let it go?
And the person you were when you married is not who you are now. Every day we are different than the person we were yesterday and every day we get a new chance to live our dreams. Let go of the past and this idea that you should be punished. That is not what the Universe wants for you.