Blumoon, looking for spiritual guidance

  • Hi Blumoon,

    I come to forums often when I have a dilemma I simply cannot make head or tail of. I always get an insight that helps me catch hold of a thread to unravel the knots further. Blumoon, could you please help me with what you see with regard to a specific problematic situation I find myself in?

    I am currently living with my sister and brother-in-law and am finding it extremely difficult to adjust to them. The dilemma is whether I should move out or introspect about my hand in creating this situation and persevere to change myself in order to change it.

    The question sounds simplistic, but I find a lot of ifs and buts surrounding it. I have never had a good relationship with my sister. We used to be extremely close in childhood but when we hit our teens, huge volatile issues drove us apart, until recently, 15 yrs later, I was finally able to let go of all the anger of unfulfilled expectations I stored in myself for her and allow her back into my life again, with a promise to her and myself that I will no longer hold her to any benchmark of an ideal sister or have any expectations of her. She is very important to me and I do love her deeply, as she loves me too. But we have too many issues with ourselves, childhood and personality issues that both of us have been trying hard to put in the past. All this work began only in the last three years so we are not at the end of it, in our individual journeys. Hence, I know these troubled times with her are a transition phase and they will pass. But I need to know if it’s a case of letting things be, or must I engage with them and try to bring about a change in circumstances, myself and hence our relationship?

    The question bothering me is it even right to think of moving out? Isn’t it irresponsible? Am I escaping? I have been known to do that in the past, escape, and hence am wondering if I am doing it again. I have faced it and changed it but I want to know if it still exists inside me. I want to do what is right for my spiritual growth.

    This would not have been a dilemma hadn’t it been for a certain sense of tiredness inside me. I have very recently (2 months back) walked out of my marriage after three years of struggle and hard work I thought could salvage it. It has taken its toll and I desperately need space and rest. Yet, during that process I realised a lot of my marital issues were to do with my childhood and I worked hard at releasing them and today do share a much healthier bond with my parents. It has grounded me immensely and I want to continue being close to my family because I also saw how much the grounding nourishes me and helps me in my worldly endeavours and material pursuits. Hence, the dilemma if moving away from my sister is a good thing for me and the fear of making a wrong move and risk damaging the relationship even more…

    I really do want to just put up my feet and relax and stop rebooting my past relationships. At least for a while. It takes a world of effort and although I am left feeling wonderfully grateful by the end of it, right now I need some rest. I just need to know if it is the right time for it.

    Thank you Blumoon. I hope I have been as clear as possible. I would be really grateful to hear from you.



  • I think it's too hard for you to see the forest for the trees. You are wise to seek clarity. Your own good intuition is available but you would need distance right now to tap in. Reread your own post but detach--pretend a good woman you truly love wrote it too YOU asking for help. I think you would have wise advice. You fear making a mistake so much it paralyses you. This is passive. Waiting for life to make the decision for you is not always best. There are times to surrender and times to take action. Boundaries are hard to define for you. When our lives are at a turning point for change it can be the loneliest hardest time because we are starting fresh. Your life lacks a back up people who FEED your spirit and nurture your path. How can you cultivate new relationships when you are still investing energy you do not have on fixing past realities. It's not that your sister is not from your planet but that you do not have other relationships with your spiritual kin to offset. You did the same with your x---gave too much to one cause----very selfless. You fear being SELFISH

    Being selfish is often the best loving thing you can do for yourself. Bottom line is--you need rest---it is what it is. We must respect our work and rest cycles---or face exhaustion--loss of health and loss of clarity. Exhaustion brings emotional excess---emotions create fear--fear clouds intuition because we hear what we desperately need to hear. Put more brain in charge---considering you have always had a chafe with this sister isn't it realistic to expect the same hard work to be everyday close? Be careful with magical thinking---all bad childhoods desire a fairy tale change. We risk losing ourselves all over again to PLEASING. It's us doing the changing not them---can you see that possibility? There is always a possibility people grow and evolve together and yes often a tough childhood parent relationship in the end joins closely but it happens with less control or concern over others and more naturally because WE change and they on their own change. Right now you are still a FIXER. You must transfer that energy to building your own power. Get out of the war zone---it is what it is---no blame. I imagine you need financial help right now and do not have the strength to build yourself a home yet. Be realistic---be selfish---what can this sister help with right now and what can you afford to emotionally to give? You jumped from the frying pan to the fire. You need to heal enough so you can see how little your self worth really is at a core level---as if just being will never be enough---you feel to deserve happiness means you must be selflessly giving. You can't fix others only yourself. Meet your needs. If you need a roof over your head--treat it like that. Be helpful in a way your sister needs and no more. Stay out of each other's hair. Avoid fixing your relationship and instead maintain loving boundaries. It's hard enough work for loving married folks to live together without conflict let alone sharing space with a less devoted person. Choose peace and quiet. Your childhood taught you to be a victim and have no choices but you do have choices. You can choose to sidestep an argument----to surrender your ego and not need to be right even if you are. Instead of seeing your life about fixing relationships see your TRUE challenge is to THRIVE despite them. Not REACTING. Choose calm and rest. Walk away. Go for lots of walks. Respect your sister's home and keep healthy space between both of you. Get out there and find your spiritual family---join some groups----choose people who are nothing like your family!! Blood is thicker than water is just a shiny idea. Choose your family---the one that empowers you and does not drain. BLESSINGS!!

  • That was overwhelming Blmoon. For some reason my instincts told me to come to you for advice. Now I see why. Thank you so much.

    Since the time I posted this I decided I am moving out. I am not financially stable but have enough to survive on my own. I simply do not have the energy or willingness to engage in winning another war. It is interesting you say that abt me being a fixer and getting out of the war zone. I see that so clearly now. I am always fighting, always at it, trying to change change change. Myself. The way my mind works is since I cannot accept there must be somthing in me trying to prevent it and that needs to change. So change self change self change self is a tape constantly going on and I keep marching on it.

    Everything you read abt me is true and I am aware of it. It helps to somehow hear from someone else though when you are so scared of making mistakes...thanks once again...I tried too hard to make my marriage work, but all the time I was giving my 200 percent my husband felt I was doing nothing, all I was doing was trying to change myself and not working at the relationship. That kinda broke me somewhere and I decided to give up trying. To the extent that now any relationship that needs fixing seems like too much work because after all I will have to change myself to change the relationship right, it won't happen on its own....I understand what you say about relationships evolving on their own, Ive believed in that too, but I find it difficult to put it into action when I sense expectations from my loved ones all the time to 'be' a certain way, which is, more often than not be giving. My relationship with my best friend of 15 yrs is at its brink because she is no longer willing to give me space to 'be'...she feels neglected and ignored and that I take her for granted...Again, I'd love to leave it be but then what if I lose her? Is that risk worth taking? Same questions with wrt my sister...I dont feel people accept me for whom I am, the way I am, do they Blmoon, or am I seeing it from a victim perspective? I hold myself against very strict standards, always judging myself and cannot feel others love when I dont love myself, Is that at play here?

    What you say abt finding my family scares me. I once rejected my family and discovered I lost a lot in the subsequent mistakes I made. So I strove to reconnect with them. I crave spiritual kinship...but I am scared if I find it I will lose my present family with whom I do not connect at all but that is where I belong. Blood family is family after all, isn't it?

  • The path you are on is a universal one. True change comes with great fear and sense of loneliness----like going to the desert! Change is the great UNKNOWN. Your greatest lesson right now is within the serenity prayer of surrender. To KNOW what you cannot change and what you can. The most liberating lesson I passed through was realizing and accepting we can not change who we are on some levels WE JUST MANAGE our shadow sides----the reality of who we are is a loving awareness and a great gift to ourselves. We must unconditionally love ourselves and stop self punishment. We all have childhood wounds that mark us to react in negative ways---we cannot change that----if we were marked an abandoned child we will forever be that child---our first reactions will see events through her eyes BUT--here's God's gift of FREE WILL---we can pick our self up after not being so perfect----after the wound bleeds again---step back IN AWARENESS love ourselves enough to not regret or punish but detach from guilt and see from our wisdom "oh, that was my wounded child reacting like that"---give her a hug and then CHOOSE how to continue to react---know how someone who does Not have abandonment issues should react. Allow yourself to feel what you feel at first but after the emotion plays out realize we all have a shadow side to MANAGE. If you just keep trying to not have a shadow side you will never be whole!!! Healing is not about eliminating your past---the events that mark you who you are--it's about awareness of cause and effect and allowing yourself to be you than making a choice that is healthy--that is HEALING AND TRUE CHANGE! I know your fear----it's a lonely place between letting go and finding your spiritual family---special y when you have no idea what they look like or FEEL like. Right now you do not know what true unconditional love feels like but you will! BLESSINGS!

  • Blmoon, when does one know, one is done with the healing process and now its the time for taking action and manifesting your dreams into reality?

    (Thank you for your insights. They were disturbing since I thought I was done with all of that {low self worth, victim consciousness, and so on}, but as it turns out maybe I am not. Thank you Blmoon.)

  • Don't feel bad!! You will never be perfect but can be PERFECTLY IMPERFECT. You expect too much from yourself. You HAVE come a long way. But in your ego you still question why your life is not perfect . Your decision to change course and rethink the sister issue proves how aware and wiser you have become. Victim is as victim does. You can't change that you were victimized but you can choose not to behave like a victim. And that's what you are doing and life will be full of constant temptations that will press your victim button but you will choose after the emotion to react in a way that gives you a choice. You are perfectly imperfect. No regrets. Do not expect to make the right decisions always but take credit for changing your mind.Healing is a process---sometimes it takes years to even realize the wounds or negative actions we don't notice. We are all in process---even the most famous of spiritual teachers will tell you they work at it. The difference is they are much stronger at not beating themselves up. That's what you strive for. You are not healed only when you are perfect---you are healed when you can forgive imperfection and love yourself and not feel you must pay. Obviously to get this far you have searched and studied the wisdom out there on healing----the common thought is that we are good enough as is to deserve love and abundance. It's not a one time magic healing it's living everyday with choices. Give yourself credit for evolving---some folks stay stagnant all their lives. It's not all or nothing. We are never done growing! You have made a lot of tough scary decisions----following your truth. You ARE healing. Like anything worth having, practice does make positive choices easier to make. And it's usually blind faith when we step out of a path that does not feel like our truth. You really are doing well---but still assume when things are chaotic or static around you it means you fd up

    when really life does not run smooth--that would be HEAVEN. We keep on keeping on---sidestepping--doubling back even ---but persevere and rest. Don't forget rest and repeat are as important as pushing ahead. I feel your original post was asking permission to REST and recoup. You asked for guidance and you WERE open to receive. That's healing! OPEN TO RECEIVE! BLESSINGS!

  • Dear Blmoon,

    Thank you so much for those uplifting words. I read them quite a few times in the past few days and drew a lot of encouragement from them. (Sorry for the late reply. I was very busy with the admission process for a full-time course I have applied for).

    Yes, I am aware of the changes I have brought about. I can feel it in my bones how I have healed myself and grown. And yes, I do beat myself up a lot, its second nature and I am struggling with bringing it into awareness but succeeding little by little.

    Currently, I can see two major areas where I am not allowing healing and peace - 1) Abundance 2) Love relationships. I am struggling deeply with my poverty consciousness and realising daily how deeply it is entrenched in my psyche due to the fears that arise. Take this moving out issue for example. It will cost me money, which I do have though in limited amounts and can of course get hold more of. But, there is this deep-seated 'what if' fear within me that stops me from taking the option of moving out. I need to save to fund my course which begins in December. I am working hard at it but constantly questioning myself. The 'what ifs' do not let go. In the course of last week, during house hunting I learnt I will need to up my budget if I need to find a decent house for myself and I decided that 'what if' I am not able to earn it back in two months? Then what will I do for my fees? So I decided to stay put at my sister's place for two months. 'It is a question of two months only', I said to myself. I was out of town at that point and the idea did not seem bad. However, it has been a day since I am back at my sister's and I am beginning to feel very lost in the negative thoughts and energies I find myself struggling with. I cannot keep focus, I keep wanting to get out of the house. My sister isn't even at home these days as she is travelling but sharing space with my brother-in-law is very uncomfortable, even though he is so fatherly. I can't rest in this space. I go to sleep disturbed, I wake up feeling disturbed because sleep is no longer a time to rest but a device for escape. And escape never works right? I did affirm to myself that I was 'choosing' this and it wasn't a 'have to' before I returned. But in half a day's time I found myself slipping back to a disturbed state of mind. I am wondering where my real lesson lies in this particular situation. In moving out and letting go of fear consciousness and allowing the Universe to take care of my finances. Or staying back and developing detachment and patience.

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