I am ablaze on the inside. May I have some insight or guidance please?



  • I am married. Over two years ago I met another man, and this meeting made a huge impact on both of us. Stupid pride and fear and, of course, my situation (I have not physically broken my wedding vows), have caused us both to engage in what can only be considered foolish game playing. My feelings often seem overwhelming and primal. I know he feels/felt the same way, as sometimes he hates me because of it. I have prayed over and over asking that if this man is not part of my future, for me to forget him. But I cannot forget. I have been thinking about him every single day for more than two years. I feel he wants to talk to me again (it has been a year since we’ve had direct contact), but is either afraid or too proud. I feel the same way. Please, can anyone give me any insight into this situation? I don’t know what to do anymore.

    Thank you,

    ConfuCap



  • Do you want to end your marriage? If you are not sure, then you may be seeing this other man as your escape route from unhappiness, rather than loving him for himself.



  • My husband is a good man, but I cannot see a future with him. We are like two ships that pass in the night. That said, I definitely would not leave him for another man. Emotional safety nets can break. I have imagined a situation in which this other man falls in love with another woman, gets married and starts a family. Would I still leave my husband? The answer is a definite yes.



  • And thank you for replying!



  • So it may be more boredom or frustration with your husband than any attraction to someone else. You need to move on from your marriage if it is unredeemable. Only then will it be fair and wise to look for other companionship. First things first...and you don't really know what this other man is feeling or thinking about you. He might have moved on or behave differently if you were free (some men are only attracted to married women because they don't like commitment) or maybe he would be more forward.



  • It's my strong feeling that this relationship with the other man is based more on fantasy than fact and that it wouldn't work for a deeper emotional commitment.



  • Thank you. Yes, you are probably right that it is based mainly on fantasy. Are you saying that this man has no intimate feelings for me?



  • I think he has physical desire for you but his emotional attachment is for someone else.



  • Thank you. If I'm not asking too much, are you able to give me any more details about this emotional attachment please? His birth date is 25 June 1971.



  • No I don't read about other people's affairs - that would invade their privacy.



  • I understand. Almost exactly a year ago I inadvertently overlooked an email invitation from this man to get together over a drink. Then shortly after, I bumped into him in town while I was with my husband. This encounter, together with my perceived email snub, prompted him to subsequently insult me indirectly via a social network. (I have also suspected for a long time and for various reasons, that this man may suffer from Bipolar Disorder). While I understood – or I thought – his behaviour was based on a sense of rejection and frustration, I felt that if I let him continue to treat me that way I would lose respect for myself, so I cut him out of my life totally.

    About 6 months ago he connected with me again via facebook. I accepted him but did not initiate any further communication. The insults started again. Followed by messages of affection and then insults again and then affection. This man loves to hate! I ignored the insults, but when the messages of affection came, I felt inert; I wanted to react, but couldn’t. That is why I said we haven’t had any direct contact for a year; this was all through facebook. From his perspective I must seem completely over him, because I never once reacted to anything he posted, negative or positive. So now you say he is over me and has a new emotional attachment. It was inevitable, but I am sad about it.



  • Why would you want a relationship that is part abuse and only partly affectionate? You must not be getting much love from your husband so why long for a similar relationship? Why not believe you deserve full love?



  • Aah dear Captain, if I could ‘un-love’ him, I would. Which is why I wrote in my request on the first page that “I have prayed over and over asking that if this man is not part of my future, for me to forget him.”

    I don’t blame him for the moments in which he hated me; I’m certain he, too, would have preferred not to love me. That said, yes, I don’t deserve to be treated like that. It is the reason I cut myself off from him after the first episode and ignored him during subsequent ones.

    It is not love that is lacking from my marriage, but companionship and a mental connection.

    Changing subject: a year ago you told me that I needed to let go of my fears about money and financial responsibility, which kept me “stuck”. I recently I started my own business. Although I’m earning virtually nothing at the moment, I LOVE what I’m doing and feel so fulfilled. If I’m not asking too much, are you able to tell me anything about the success of my business please? Or if there’s anything I should perhaps be looking at?

    Thank you.



  • Have you told your husband that you feel you lack companionship and a mental connection between you?

    What is your definition of business success? What is your goal, beyond loving what you do and feeling fulfilled?



  • Not only have I told my husband that I feel I lack companionship and a mental connection between us, I also told him as soon as I developed feelings for the other man! I told him that I was attracted to the other man’s mind. (In fact, he is the most interesting man I have ever met.) Then I did not mention the other man again. I tried to talk to my husband about how I felt on a regular basis for almost two years, then I just gave up because the stress and frustration were causing me to become physically ill. I don’t think he even really knows what companionship and mental connection mean. He is happy with his Playstation. Plus, my husband blamed me for how I felt – though not in an unkind way – rather than approaching it as a problem within the couple. (I don’t fully recall his reasoning.)

    I want my sense of financial security to come from myself, rather someone else. My goal is to be able to financially support myself 100% (including mortgage payments) in order to be able to leave, if I choose to do so. There have been moments when I despaired so much about my marriage that, if I had had the money, I probably would have walked out. Sometimes I feel terribly trapped. And in the unlikely event that I should decide to stay, then the money would contribute to a more comfortable lifestyle for both of us. Over the last six months I have been able to identify my niche, and I hope to be able to largely work within that specialisation, rather than having to treat subjects beyond my field of interest simply because I need the money.

    Beyond the money, it is also a question of self-respect and my sense of identity. When I registered my business I felt transformed!



  • I feel that it is your career and not another man that you need most at the moment. Focus all your energy on that. Once you are financially independent, you can leave your partner if you choose. He seems not to realize how precarious is the marriage - or is trying to hide from the fact. Both partners have to work at a relationship to keep it alive. But another (abusive) man is not the answer to finding the self-love, self-identity, and self-respect you crave. No other person can give you that. You have to find it for yourself.



  • Yes, that’s good advice. Thank you. So you have no further insights about my business?



  • Just to take it step-by-step and not rush or ignore any of the details, no cutting corners etc.



  • OK. Thank you. Blessings.