Hardest decision of my life.... Guidance anyone?
First I ask for no judgment from anyone. I am here in search and desperate for some guidance. I got myself into a situation I never thought I would. after much apprehension on my part, and much persistence from his part a male friend of mine who also happens to be my friends recent ex (they have children together and she left him for someone else and also stopped speaking with everyone)... and he also happens to be best friends with an ex of mine from years ago. Anyway he had been pursuing me and I ended up giving in... but not wanting it to be anything long term... especially because of these connections we have. The first time we were together he got me pregnant.
It is super stressful for him because he just lost his family (she took his kids and its not smoothed out yet and to another state) and for me stressful as well because neither of us planned to be in a relationship with one another plus we are both trying to achieve stability (financially and otherwise) at the moment. Plus our exes finding out could cause plenty of problems and having a child together under these circumstances doesn't seem very promising of a good relationship.
He is a wonderful guy though and we get along amazingly. He is very understanding and supportive, but ultimately he would feel much relief if I terminated the pregnancy. First I thought this was the best decision, but as a woman I just have doubts if I should do that.
If I do terminate we wont have to deal with all the drama and then trying to build a relationship around this. Being this is out of wedlock and unplanned does not sit well with me and being that he isn't that excited about... at all is also something I don't want.
I am just so confused as what to do... I made an appointment to terminate for next week and he will be with me...he is aware that there is a chance my mind will change... which may cause resentment... but maybe I will feel relieved to go on with my life and do things the "right way" with the right person.
Sounds like you are in a very complicated situation to say the least. First, I will say to you that although the baby is both yours and his, this is ultimately your decision as you would be the one to carry the baby to term and then be responsible for the care and nurturing of the child once born.
So with that being said, my advice to you would be to first separate the complications and uncertainty of your relationship with him from the issue of whether or not you want to have this baby. Take some time without him around, without having to hear what he wants or doesn't want, and get clear on what you feel and what you want. If the appointment on Monday is looming over your head and causing stress, then cancel it for now while you do this.
Hope this helps you in some way,
If he supports your decision to terminate so easily I'd back-off from him. I'm not thinking of the relationship w/him as it doesn't seem like there is one. I couldn't have stated anything better than what Watergirl did. Adoption is an option--add-option! If you want a totally honest answer from me I'd chose the baby.
Watergirl and Dalioite are right! This is your decision not his. The exes are exes for a reason and have no say so what so ever in this situation. They do not matter only you and the baby. Yes if you choose to have the baby it will be hard but well worth it. Whether you choose it or give it up for adoption. Think very carefully about terminating the pregnancy will you be able to live with that decision?
@Watergirl.. first thank you for your response. The points you are making are exactly what I need to focus on. For some reason though I am just so indecisive even though I have been away from him.. in fact The week after we were together I left to visit family out of state and I have not yet returned.
Also thank you@ Daliolite and Shadowmist... seems like you all agree on that I should focus on me and this child. I know this is whats important too.
Truthfully I have no idea if I want to have a child right now.. and under these circumstances is less than ideal. I know that is selfish of me. I guess I just don't want to end up being a single mother. I am 29 and I have never been pregnant because I wanted to wait and do things right, but here I am.
Like Daliolite said.. he is way too supportive on terminating and he said that maybe he is just not that attached yet because he hasn't seen me for weeks but being that he would rather that just makes it so sad rather than exciting like a new mother to be should be.
I know he would try to make "us" work and so would I, but I never wanted a relationship with him... it could turn into something special... who knows. We are suppose to spend a few days together before the appt. since I return tomorrow... maybe things will change.
The point Shadowmist makes about me regretting the decision is my worst fear in this situation. I do want children someday... it doesn't have to be now, but I don't want to regret and wonder about THIS child.n Because I believe everything happens for a reason and God never gives you something you cannot handle... I wonder if having this child.. and so unexpectedly and without trying is for a reason too.
You may have had physical distance from him, but you have still been speaking with him and I felt very strongly last night that his voice was drowning out your own. I am not trying to say that you should (or should not) have the baby. What I am saying is that you need to allow your OWN voice to come through.
It's no coincidence that you started out your post by asking for no judgement. This is exactly what is swarming around you right now. Your thoughts are focused on the judgement you will receive from others - exes, friends, family as well as society. With the subject of pregnancy you will always receive advice from others based on their own personal or religiious beliefs as well as the cultural/societal norms. But you are also judging yourself. The pregnancy being "out of wedlock" and "not the way you want it to happen." Drop all the judgements, both externally and internally, and listen to your inner voice. Shield yourself from outside influence, quiet your own mind, and get in touch with your higher self. When you can find that space of inner peace the answer will come through and you will know it is right from the peace you will feel in that moment.
Watergirl thank you so very much. Your guidance is helping me immensely. I have been thinking about how he feels about it more than myself so I did not speak with him for a couple of days. During that time I still felt much confusion but ultimately started feeling like abortion would be a decision I will regret and have a hard time with.
I have to admit though that I still am so confused... its almost as if I wish someone could make the decision for me (but no decision seems to be the right one and no one but me can do this)... I wish I could know the future and see how the outcome would be.
It's still very early and anything can happen but I my life is so unstable right now and I am scared to have a child right now. I have great family support though so maybe it wouldn't be so bad.
You were a thousand percent right that I have been so focused on everyones opinions and judgments... I am just trying to drown that all out of my mind like you said because the decision is hard enough without that and its not their life anyway.
I have a couple of more days before the appt. which I have not cancelled because I guess I want to see how it feels to be in there... if I am upset... scared.. relieved. They also do some testing which I need done anyway and counseling.
Still confused and terrified of either decisions outcome... But I know the answer will come to me before its too late... I am going to see how I feel I guess. Just wish I could make a decision and feel happy about it.
Most people, when faced with a really important choice or decision, get their minds into overdrive. The thoughts race around and the only result is confusion and even exhaustion. The key is to stop striving to find the answer and allow the answer to come through to you. This involves doing something to stop the circular thoughts. Doing something physical can help - getting yourself out of your mind and back into your body. A peaceful surrounding also helps. I can imagine you right now in a kayak on a calm, clear lake at dawn. Try to find something that will allow you to stop thinking. When all the mind chatter dies down, that is when you can find the peaceful stillness inside and that is when the answer will come TO you.
I'm going to post my experience. I was raped. That was bad enough. Became pregnant. That wasn't so bad. Had a fibroid tumor that started to grow incontrollably due to the increase of hormones in first trimester of pregnancy. Still wanted the baby. Had to travel about 250 miles to a clinic for an abortion due to size of fibroid (about the size of a football.) It had pushed the fetus to the fundus (upper most part) of the uterus. I freaked out and went home. Started hemorraging then returned (later) to clinic. What I experienced in this clinic is what I feel that I need to share w/others. Clinicians and dr's at these clinics will call the fetus "tissue." It's also called a procedure prob a d & c. If you can get past the tissue and d & c maybe you'll want to view the procedure on the ultrasound that was provided--this is what I was asked. I didn't dare share my beliefs because I knew I would be considered a "freak." It's ok to have your own opinion. Still feel that way today. They offer counseling--their form of assurance that it's only tissue and it's your decision. I contacted a funeral home and was able to get the remains in an urn. The nicest person I spoke w/was a mortician. I paid for everything. Sometimes things happen for a reason.
Flowsco last edited by
I have been following your story and after reading Daliolite openness I decided to share part of my experience. My pregnancy was also unplanned yet the difference is that I was in a relationship with the father. The circumstances where far from ideal yet scared as I was I questioned myself what I really wanted and not considering everybody’s comments or judgement. I was about to lose my job at the time and I was young. After so many discussions between the father, the family and I we decided to continue the pregnancy because his primary choice was to terminate it. As Watergirl said there are so many noises around you that you can’t think straight and so it was with me. Life cleared up my way in what choice I had to make. After agreeing not to terminate and still within the months that it was still possible we made plans to move and while moving house I lost my grandmother. I left country for the burial and when I came back my “relationship” was over. My welcome was a choice from him and it was to choose to terminate the pregnancy and please him or keep the baby and forget him. I wasn’t in a position to be a single mom yet due to my convictions and believe and what I just experience by going back to home for the burial made it clear that I would be okay. It felt right. Timing and situations are never ideal when you are blessed with life. Follow your heart and don’t be fazed by judgement whatever you choose for you.
znl last edited by
So many brave ladies on this forum.
Hi Nicelife, I want to wish you courage and all the best in your decision, what it might be.
Love and light.
yes nicelife everything happens for a reason. part of my story when my youngest son was born (his father & I were married) his father was running around and he was an alcoholic & druggie
I was scared to death that something might go wrong with the pregnancy. I left his father when my son was two it was not easy as layoffs were occurring where I work. and I have been thru quite a few layoffs and only could find part time work for the last 10 years could not get any assistance had to do it on my own now this year my baby boy who is now 17 turned out to be a handsome caring young man who graduated a year early. now we are going to look at colleges and try to find a way to get him in. so yes it has been very hard but I would not trade my life for anything if it meant not having my son. Yes I was afraid and still am but you learn and grow and you just keep on going.
Now flashback to 1977 I was a young mother of a one year old (I had a shot gun wedding because no one told me about the facts of life and no one knows about this part of my life as I never shared it with anyone but my best friend) I was leaving a controlling husband who was a momma's boy. at 18 I was not ready for another child and had no skills so I was going home I had my pregnancy terminated and no I do not regret it. My oldest is married & has 3 children of his own and I am proud of him also!!!
What ever you decide to do that choice is up to you and only you. I hope my story helps you in some way as I have been on both sides of the fence.
gracefuldaisies last edited by
I'm so glad you reached out for support (and have gotten it) here, and I hope above all else for you that whatever decision you make (or have made) is one governed by love rather than fear.
I know when I was making a similar decision, I let myself be guided by my many fears. The pregnancy was unplanned (I had started birth control but it hadn't yet taken effect), and my ex (then fiancé) was pushing hard for termination. I had left my job because we had worked together at a company that had a non-fraternization policy, so although I was starting freelance work, at the time I had no steady income. He was also very controlling, and I could see that co-parenting with him would be an ordeal, especially if he resented me for insisting on having the child. I was in my mid-20s and had parents who, several years earlier, had reacted very badly to my sister's teen pregnancy; she had given her baby up for adoption and I knew her heartache intimately. Although I very much wanted the child, I was terrified of finding myself alone and without income or family support, and equally terrified that if I left the relationship to have the baby, he would find a way to take that child away from me—so I chose to do as he wanted and terminate the pregnancy instead of listening to my heart and doing what I really wanted to do.
I never did become a mother, and now am nearly past the point where that's even a possibility. I'm not going to say that I wish I had made a different decision, because I believe life is a journey that takes us down the roads we need to travel, and every path has its struggles and rewards—but I do wish that in making that choice I had given more weight to my inner voice and true desires, and less to the clamoring fears that I let overwhelm me.
And I wish for you that your path, whatever it may be, is the one that your own heart chooses.
I apologize for my absence.. as you can imagine there has been so much going on in, and not only this "situation". Coming back to this post and seeing all these responses and all of you so openly sharing your stories with and beautiful words with me just fills my heart with such warmth. You are all beautiful!!!
I would like to respond to each one of you because each of your lives has touched me so much.... First though... I would like to fill you in on a huge twist in my own story:
....I did end up deciding to terminate the pregnancy and went to the clinic...and guess what... during the sonogram I found out I am twice as pregnant as I thought.. The month before, I was with my ex-boyfriend whom I have a strong friendship and history with but I guess I could never bring myself to settle down with him and our initial relationship that began years ago was terrible timing (long story there).... as soon as the doctor told me that I walked out of the clinic (still pregnant) and called him... he was happy... he's scared too because its unplanned and we are not in a relationship and he's already a single father but...we are going to try
@ Znl : Thank you so much for your kind wishes and I agree... all these brave ladies.. I really appreciate you sharing your stories and I am sure those are only the tip of the iceberg on the challenges you have faced and persevered through!
@Shadowmist: That is such an intense start you went through coming into not only parenthood.. but adulthood!... Its nice to hear someone else who has been on both sides of the fence because there really are so many paths to choose from in life... and each holds surprises, for anyone to think they have it all planned out ever is fooling themselves.. and for anyone to think they cannot handle the hardships are also fooling themselves because look at you...that is a lot to go through...honestly even a fraction of what you endured.. some people never experience. I can tell it has made you into a strong, wise, and beautiful human being. I believe youre right that everything happens for a reason
@ Gracefuldaisies: Your story and life..to me... has such a richness to it. If that makes sense? The man you speak of who was controlling etc.... I have been with a man like that and oh how I feared I would have his child and be even more miserable than he already made me...luckily I dodged that and I thank God for that. Also, the thought of terminating this pregnancy had me thinking I may never experience motherhood myself... I had that fear but just as you know very well that life gives us what we need I try and remind myself of that... and even now that I have decided to keep it... I am terrified. Its so easy to be influenced by what others want and think is right for you... and lately I have been overwhelmed with that and just trying to listen to my own voice ... your story inspires me to do that... Thank you.
@ Daliolite: I have to say thank you for sharing what happened to....for some reason good people sometimes must overcome the hardest things in life. I cannot even imagine going through something like that! I have heard some terrible things about the abortion clinics as well... just recently in fact...they must have to really numb themselves to be in that line of work... or have a whole different set of beliefs. Like you said though... things happen for a reason...and it was beautiful of you to give that baby a proper burial.. many would not do that under those circumstances... blame the child for what happened to them or just hate it because of how it happened and who it was from... you shine!..and I am glad you are ok after all of that.
@ flowsco: first... thank you so much for following my story and others on here... and for sharing your own. Isnt it funny how some men make you decide such things because to these particular men it doesn't affect the at all... not their body yet they are half responsible. I am so glad you listened to your own voice as Watergirl says... its not easy drowning everyone out when you feel like you need so much support. When he gave you that ultimatum I am sure it became clear to you that choosing him over you child would prove to be a mistake. These decisions are not easy to make for us women! It seems like we can go through just about anything and turn out ok... such resilience!
@Watergirl: You gave me the best advice... I didn't get to go out on that lake... but I did start listening to my own voice...and this is something I need to keep doing and get peace and solace to find the answers I need. I came to that decision to terminate based on being in what I felt would turn out to be a nightmare for too many years of my and the unborns life and I was finally firm on that decision... MY decision. Of course that has changed because I know we wont have to go that route and like I said above... I am still terrified.. who knows what could be in store for me even in this what seems to be much better situation... its comforting to know I can come here and get this kind of support. I am blessed for that.
Nicelife12, It's hard not to look too far into the future. I try not to and try and do the right thing day by day. It's a lot easier on me this way.
Flowsco last edited by
First I want to say that I am happy for you and I am happy for the twins. Fear does keep a person from progressing in life. I am certain no matter how things work out or not with the father that you and your children will be an amazing team.
Responsibility is something the father of my child hasn’t picked up yet since he can’t have me. And we are talking 18 years. My son just graduated from one college and is going to another soon. That is my reward and my joy. I pay the father no mind and that eats him. Strength I developed due to everything that was swung towards me. Took me long to move on emotionally yet the person who have helped me to move on is now on a journey of his own that will be definite. Again I am happy that you chose life since life can be short. Enjoy your pregnancy and embrace everything positive that come your way and when times are hard... look at your children and say it’s going to be okay. Don’t you ever forget that!
Daliolite... I think if everyone did that it would be easier.. taking things day by day.. especially since tomorrow is never promised to us...
Thanks you Flowsco for your inspiring words.. the crazy thing is I ended up terminating the pregnancy because the first doctor was wrong (I was not that far along after all) and to have a child with the other guy (not my ex) would have been a nightmare for everyone... it has been hard going back and forth with my decisions but its all because I was given wrong information to begin with.
All of this has taught me a huge lesson... I know some people don't agree with that route but its my life and I felt I made the right decision and I feel relieved even though it was not easy. It can only get better from here since I will be making better decisions.
Nicelife life is hard but doing the best we can with what was delt to us makes us survivors. and I for one would not change the lessons I learned. Just try to do the best you can and appreciate what I call the little things and that is what makes a joyful life.