To Blmoon: could you please do a reading for me ?
You did some readings for me in the past and you were always amazing. I am at a crossroad right now in regard to a very import decision I am about to make. I need confirmation on going with it and I am asking my angels to give me some answers but i am not reading anything. I usually do get premonition dreams, but not advice kind of dreams.
I did tell you in the past that I married someone i was never attracted to, and I was never in love with him. I always regretted my marriage, but my husband has really changed a lot in the past few years since he really understood I was leaving him. He has reached to the point that I can't complain anymore about the practicality of every day marriage life, as opposite to what our past was. I have a son with him, and he is being a good father to him too.
So back in time, when my son was 1, I tried having another kid. I always wanted a big family, but at least 2 kids was the minimum i thought ever wanted. As soon as I became pregnant, i realized that it was a bad idea. My husband which didn't prove a good father until then, treated me soo very badly and caused me loose the baby in my 2nd month. He was very immature back than. He was taking it for granted the family i was trying to build for us. This event made me ask for divorce which never happened, as he has turned against the all odds to be the best he could ever be.
So now I am in a big confusion. I just past my 41, and i am on the edge of my years for having another kid. My son of 8 is begging me to make him a brother or a sister. He is a very sensitive kid, ADHD, and I believe that this would make him much happier in life. I feel like I shouldn't live him alone. Also my husband is trying to prove a lot to me, just to make me have another kid, as he feels he is ready for it.
And of course I love to have another kid, but the fear is as big as the wish. A part of me insist that I need to find love in my life. Time to time i am reminded and tested in my love life but I can't do anything since I am married, and feel depressed on it.
I wish i didn't need to be in love.
Could you please do a reading for me on what way is best to go about it ? or any thing you could see on me in the future should be doing ?
lots of love B
It is very hard to hear intuition when in deep emotions. When I read for people and they are too intense with indesicion I often tell them to take a few days off from the subject and calm their energy as it is easier to recieve clarity. For you to connect with your own wise guidance you will have to let this go first.. There is always the chance my impressions will be a jumble of spirit speaking and your own fears--fear is a loud voice. Never make a desicion out of fear--or in fear. Fear can paralise but if you can gather up the strength to go outside of fear--suddenly isolation is gone and the world speaks to you. I say this because the issue of your husband has a possability of using fear. In the past--keeping you isolated in fear was his insecure way of control. I can see you have an unspoken fear that he can not be trusted--that perhaps all this new good guy stuff has an agenda--you are not sure what but you are not trusting him yet and have wise reason. What if his wanting this new baby is not really the new start he offers but just another way of trapping you? And what if a new baby is not the happy answer for your son. Maybe all your attention on a newborn will not be the mature happy of an 8 year old. What I am sure of in reading your post is I can see this baby question revolves more around your son and your husband. You give a lot!! I so can relate to your remark "I so wish I didn't need to be in love" THIS needs to be healed. If you knew how to love yourself---love would be felt all around you. You have no reference for what true unconditional love feels like--it eludes you. Your soul journey is about this challange of loving yourself. Both a manipulating husband and a child who can be difficult (no fault of his own) tests you to love yourself. An adhd child is not going to be always doing or saying loving things--so he came to YOU to help you build confidence on knowing you are loved and you do not have to please to get it!! But I know this does not answer your baby question. Spirit says---give it 6 months of silence and you will know. Trust that if a baby is meant to be it WILL be. Make a SELFISHLY GOOD BOUNDRY on the subject for 6 months. If you can tell your son and husband the subject is closed untill YOU say and do that without argument from either then your wise guidance will not let you down. Pray today to give it up to God---lift your arms towards heaven and say I'm too in fear to decide but trust I will know what to do--then wipe the desicion from your head. I promise you--within 6 months it will be CLEAR and divinely answered--your prayer. BLESSINGS!
Thank you so much for connecting and taking your time to respond to me !
You are right on everything ! I will wipe it off from my mind for now and give it a brake. Thank You!
After I wrote to you, it reoccurred to me how important it is to express your feelings into writing, as it made me get answers to myself spontaneously afterwords and I was laughing at myself. even though I had a bad mood yesterday.
All this struggle in fact is for my son only. NOT my husband. My son is very bright, with a touch of genius in him, a big mouth and a great communicator, very creative, and also VERY spiritual. He speaks out my thoughts quite often. and spoked my dreams once - terrifying me. He has a poetic way of expressing himself, with a very developed vocabulary. He corrects my english and i am learning a lot from him. He expresses himself as lonely some times and it brakes my heart. He begs me for another kid and has made a big list of healthy food for me to take so I can become pregnant -- as he all knows. And he checks my tummy with the corner of his eye. I bought him a parrot for his birthday last year. He is super sensitive and very caring for the weak and poor people. I take him every Summer to Albania, my birth country, because there is my whole family, and he is so happy in the middle of soo much attention. He is the biggest blessing of my life.
and about me, lately, I feel like i have given up into finding love in my life, because I know I am not good at connecting with men. I am very passive and age is picking up on me. I am good looking and very much looked up from men, but I don't like to show it and am withdrawn. not shyly--withdrawn. I hate to be shy. I have a proud feeling for my self that I was born with. I have a need to be alone, TOO Much down time sometimes, while I also feel lonely and need to love someone, as I know I haven't have that feeling for my whole life I think. I feel contradictory about it all, and you mentioned that about me before too, which was very eye opening. But I do love myself, and I have achieved a lot in my life and am pretty successful at what i do. I live in NY. I am an artist, 3D/2D Animator, filmmaker and photographer but still find it hard to make money flow in my life and be independent yet. I feel I am close to it. but still waiting. And all comes back to the fact that i fear connecting with people. I have some blocks I believe that i am trying to find out how to get over them. I started a dance class a while ago and I am loving it.
But yes, you are right, i have to TRUST in the goodness yet to come !
Love in your way, B
Your son 's loneliness may always be--not that he will not be social BUT being gifted does come with a loneliness that is hard to define. The same for you---artists require aloneness for clarity in inspirations and inovation and creativity is mostly a solitary event. Your son is too young to get yet the connection between his gift and aloneness. As a child I could always fit in because I had an intuition about people and groups--I knew how to fit in but deep down I felt alone----in wasn't until years older a gifted mentor my senior by example made it ok to be "different" and a BLESSING. Alone works for creative folks. Artists absorb so much--to have ideas to process. Another mixed blessing I realised is how having a man who likes space can be an artists asset!!! Once I got over the imagined hurt I realised he provided me with lots of room to BE an artist!! You too may be feeling alone out of uniqness. To be an artist successfuly in any field is to be very strong in your own voice--to be different is a positive--the negative is to feel isolated!! I just came back from an awards ceremony for a poem--that also is apearing in an art gallery in miami. Being around other artists is only a small part of life----otherwise very few others in everyday life can relate. I to require down times more than others. Successful artists are often married to their craft and if you are not married to another artist----a man who likes space can be a blessing. It's all about "perspective! Keep your son surrounded by artistic people and programs as he will be around sensitive folks and belong more---everyone likes to feel they fit in. Such a ironic connundrum for artists ----to fit in YET to be like no one else!!!
You have been pooping into my mind lately because, you told me that in the next 6 months I will get an answer and I did !
at this moment i am moving out of the house i gave birth to my 8 year old boy, and gave an end to my 18 years never desired marriage.
September was the most blessed month of my life. it started since July. Eventually my husband is surrendering to divorce (but not happy about it-- he simply can't face any thing).
tomorrow night will be the last night in this home. I am happy to move on but I will miss this place forever. it feels like I did a revolution in here in the all aspects of my life and it is historical.
I saw my heartache today while moving my stuff out and it made me feel very said. I will miss him forever too. but i am ready to go
any way, i thought to share and update,
I am happy you found your truth and you made peace with the past. Change is scary yet also liberating. You may find yourself discovering new "Favorite things"
specially decorating and color. Trust your new you and embrace whatever embraces you back and makes your new space a place that feels good. Trust whatever colors make you feel good. Be bold and let creativity rule. I'm happy for you! BLESSINGS!
Thank You Blmoon !
I am enjoying it ! It feels like I am falling into abyss. I have no intention on any thing but just releasing the pass and embracing whatever comes my way. In fact, it is a lot coming on my way and I am so thankful. It feels like I am open to all and thankful. It feels great
I have been reading a book of Deepak Chopra lately, 'Fire in the Heart' which is the story of a little boy (little Deepak) with Baba, (a god like figure, which teaches spiritualism to Deepak. I have been reading the book to my son too because he loves it. It is like The little Price kind of writing.
Last night I saw a dream of Baba giving to me a thick drawing paper. On both sides I saw a full page big heart. very nicely decoratively drawn. but the message i got was at the bottom of one page, and it was how my problems start now, or how the direction I am going in terms of a projects it will bring up problems. . .. I couldn't understand the reason of why I was going to face problems now... but when I woke up i got worried. It sounded like i am doing something wrong and it is going to cause me trouble. ..
The only trouble I am in now, is i must have full time job by the end of November. I am applying every day since august and I am still jobless. It is scary because i can support me and my son till the end of November. If I haven't found a job till then I don't know what am I going to do.
Could say something on the dream? Also do you see me finding a job soon ??
Thank You so much Blmoon !!
i meant The Little Prince