Not sure what to do next

  • Hi everyone,

    Can anyone help me sort out what I am going thru and my feelings about it all?

    I am a Virgo (8-28-66 at 8:00 am central) My boyfriend of 7 years (2-1-62 11:00 pm central) told me Sunday that there is no way he will ever marry me and that nothing will change his mind ...ever.

    As I get older I'm feeling as if I do not have a place in life or with anyone that feels permanent or safe.

    I am uneasy in just being a live in girl friend for so long and would love to be his wife But because his first marriage ended so badly he swears he will never get married again.

    This revelation has hurt me to my soul as I have had a very bad marriage also to a functioning alcoholic that left me with a feeling that I have missed most of my life unloved and emotionally abused.

    I love my b/f dearly and would do anything for him . I can't imagine being with any other man , he is the ONE the love of my life yet he feels as if his ex wife has made marriage a horrible experience.

    She left him divorced him and came back 7 times after until he fell for me.

    Other than giving me a chance to show him that not all marriages are doomed to failure and misery he chooses to not give me a chance.

    He sees and talks to his ex everyday and his adult children feel as if he is still in love with his ex so that is why he wont marry me... leaving me feeling as if I am only here with him for company and sex. He is not affectionate and rarely wants to kiss me.

    After hearing on Sunday say that he will never marry me it's as if I can't let myself get close to him again. I used to want to touch him , love on him and kiss him . Dream of all the things we can do together but I feel like my feelings for him have changed. I still am deeply in love with him but know that I cant live like this till one of us passes away. I want to be a wife , have that sacred connection with him but i hurt too bad and I can't find a way to get over it.

    Can anyone tell me how to get past this feeling of not being good enough or that he really loves me ? It's as if I just want to move out and run away to a place where no one knows me and start over and maybe find a new life before I am too old to have a new life... help me understand please because sometimes I feel like if I was dead it would better for us both....or for both of them

  • I'm sorry but this man does not love you. He is still attached to his wife - there are three people in your relationship, not two. Staying with him (yes he is using you)will only break your spirit and make you feel so low about yourself. You have the chance to meet a nice partner - get out now while you still can. Don't let him beat you down until you cannot help yourself. You are in love with a fantasy of what you want this man to be, not the reality of what he actually is.

  • thank you for your time Captain,

    That really hurt , not only have I wasted a great deal of my life and energy on my first marriage but have wasted even more years of my life with this fake relationship.

    I am done with anything to do with a relationship in fact I am just done... period

    What am I even here on earth for if my entire life has been nothing but sadness and lies?

    My family have all passed so it's just me and my mistakes left.

    Thank you for telling me the truth , now I have to figure out how to keep going because I really feel like I could just die right now and that would be perfectly fine with me hurts too much anyways

  • No experience is wasted since it teaches us something to improve our future experiences. That is what life is all about - learning and growing. This experience is helping you know what you want and recognize the good man who will come along. Really you didn't love this man - you were just needing someone, anyone to make you feel loved. But this one cannot do that. Find someone who will, and give yourself more love. Then you won't mistake a bad partner for a good one. Live and learn. .

  • SS, what you really want is to merge with someone else's energy and feel mutual empowerment. You are looking for total, permanent commitment. You want a partner whom you can count on to take care of all your material needs, and you will take care of all your partner's emotional needs (or vice versa) - a synergistic relationship that is mutually empowering and completely dependable. To successfully establish this type of relationship, you must be discriminating and find someone with similar energy and values. The shared goals must be innately valuable to each of you as individuals. For this to happen, you must first get in touch with your own values. You must become strong within yourself, aware of what you want, and tune in to what is real and meaningful in your life. The challenge is to establish your own energy systems and figure out who you are as an individual. As your energy becomes stronger, you will automatically attract mates of similar energy with whom you can form successful partnerships.

    Your Achilles' Heel is seeking self-worth through others ("I can only feel OK about myself through the validation of others") which can lead you into the trap of an unending search for a soul mate. ("If I have this one special person's energy, I'll feel complete".) In truth, you can only achieve a sense of completeness within yourself - it will never come as the by-product of a relationship, even with a soul mate. No matter how much support and validation you get from others, you always think you need more. In fact, for you, validation is a false barometer of whether you are on the right track. Living according to standards you KNOW are right for you, regardless of what others think, will help you develop a sense of self-worth. At some point, you must stop being enmeshed with others and involved in their business, and simply walk your own path instead. The irony is that when you begin to do this, others will support you, both financially and on an energy level.

    You are here in this lifetime to drop the facade of your public persona in favour of a purer, unaffected approach to life, one where you express yourself as naturally and directly as possible. Born with a belief you are unworthy of love, you grapple with the fear of revealing your true self to others. Adept at artfulness and getting what you want and need through indirect means, you are extremely charming and determined. Often subjected to undue criticism and unfair assessments of your character, you have learned to shield yourself from hurt by being guarded and secretive. You can overcome your feelings of unworthiness by developing a belief in a Higher Power and trusting it to protect you. As you trust enough to reveal yourself to the world, your colourful and fun-loving nature will emerge to surprise and delight those around you. Your core lesson is to trust in abundance and to love life. Your goal is to become more aligned with your own energies and more direct, using your gifts of resolution, charm, and resourcefulness.

    Freeing yourself from the relative constrictions of your own carefully established rituals and routines may be your principle challenge in this life. You need to visit places and meet people you have never experienced before, to step out of habitual behaviour in order to gain new perspective. Indeed, awareness of your own inner patterns and impulses may not be your strongest suit, yet there is nevertheless great potential for self-confidence and happiness for you here. You will have to take care that your inclinations towards servce and self-sacrifice do not distract you from the possibility of enjoyment or self-fulfillment. You also have issues of wanting to be both sex*y and smart. If you can better learn to tell spontaneity from disorder and refuse to allow yourself to be unduly threatened by external circumstances, life will become a lot easier for you, expecially when you learn the value of pleasing yourself before anyone else. You must also learn how to sort through the confusing combination of complete understanding of the psychology of others without fully being aware of your own. Your fulfillment will come from aligning yourself with your need for a simple life with less chaos.

    2013 for you is about YOU and making a new beginning for yourself. The year holds the promise of being an exciting new adventure, with life taking on new challenges that pave the way for the next few years. This is a time to clarify your goals and it is a time to act on them. Hard work may be necessary to get a new venture moving. Your physical strength will be up during this year, perhaps higher than it has been for some time, as you have some special needs for this extra energy. You will feel like an adventure, a major change in your life, somethingdifferent, and new relationships. New goals should be clearly set and worked toward, as this is really a new beginning of a new cycle and it is best not to dwell on the past at this time. This will be fairly easy for you to do because most of the problems and disappointments of the past will tend to disappear, leaving the way open for these new challenges. This is a great time; use it to its full advantage. Embrace courage and be open to initiating new ideas. A wave of new energy is supporting you, wanting to move you in new directions and bring you a greater sense of self-definition. It is a time of birthing new ideas. Define your nature and these ideas as you follow your dreams. You are learning to initiate what really motivates you. It is not a time to wait around, since you could miss out on what this year has to offer. You are laying down the blueprint and foundation that will set the pace for the next several years of your life. Go for it!

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