I got a New me and there peace, i am alone but its ok

  • Hello everyone

    I noticed lately that i got a new me in me[ if thats make sense]

    Most my life i been alone and it was fine, 3 years ago my life got more challenging after i lost my job, got a mortgage and got a lot stress on my shoulder for those 3 years and had noone to help, speak to or support through it

    I had many drama during those 3 years

    lately i noticed peace in me, it feel like the end of circle

    I been feeling this peace for a while now but i didnt know how to read it

    I used to care what other think about me

    trying to get validation and love somehow

    but this doesnt matter to me anymore

    I have this conflict now inside about the old me trying to be nice and the other me that stand for herself

    This conflict is not new it always been in me but now it's getting clearer and louder that is there

    I actually see now that most the conflict i had with other was a reflection of the conflict that was happening inside of myself

    Everyone want to be love, be with someone, have kids, have a job, home, ect....

    I thought thats what i was after too but it's no longer feel this way

    I am surrounded of problems, no friends, family or partners

    I deal with conflict every day

    My life is not perfect looking from the outisde but inside

    I am ok, i am more then ok

    but my mind want to find fault in that state, reason that i dont deserve to be in that state

    but i am learning to love myself more then ever

    I am not afraid to be alone

    and dont feel alone ever

    i just welcome every experience how they come

    Is anyone experienced this kind experience and kind want to share as i still dont know how to be this new me

  • I can completely relate to what you are saying. For me it has been the last 7 years...a cycle started where the outer life situations got more chaotic and problematic but my inner self got stronger and felt more peaceful. It is a strange thing that happens, but I believe these are part of your evolution as an individual so if you tend to be a positive person you will eventually propel yourself to a new place. This is perhaps the hardest lesson of all...to let go and trust when things are the most difficult, to let go of control...If one can manage to do that the rest finds its way. I have been very alone in those seven years and I lost even the understanding and support of my own family. I have lived on my own in a foreign country for over two decades, away from my closest people. It is hard...I have made dear friends, lifetime friends but I have not been able to rebuild my life as part of a couple with anyone. So yes, I can relate. At this point I do not care anymore, I just trust and I have good days and bad days. I have pretty much come to understand two things: even the most wonderful close people to you will let you down at some point AND I have at times let myself down or not been able to figure things out or been too hard on myself and I just must forgive myself. Validation from others never gives you good results if you do not know who you are first. Particularly women and women raised in certain cultures we were brought up to believe that unless you are part of a couple and can build a family and maintain the attraction of a man through decades you are really not much...Just think how unfair that is...no one thinks that of a man but in some cultures it is part of the fabric of how women are being brought up. It is so insidious that it can shape how you relate to people throughout your life in a negative way and unless a lot of awareness and work on yourself is exercised it can affect you for life.

    I may be wrong here but that is my point of view. It has cost me to go against the grain but I have also many rewards and I believe having peace is really what being happy is all about. So, if you can get there and every day maintain that to the best of your ability and be present it can be blissful. I love "The Power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle if you can read it. Also look for Vernon Howard, another good teacher. Some people find these books hard to read, but I believe it is because they are struggling with their minds to have control and that gives them anxiety. But both books have a great deal of wisdom in them.

    The one thing Star2u that I have found in my own path is to never believe that I have "arrived", really anywhere. The moment I believed that and I showed the slightest bit of arrogance the Universe flipped me back with another lesson. So, I do not know, perhaps it is just best to learn to let go and be still, the hardest lesson of all...

  • Hi Mardeep , Thank you so much to share your experience I greatly appreciate it.

    I understand completely what you are saying as it similar to my own experience especially the part you said: you have let yourself down,

    It's funny, I took the decision to leave my abusive parents at age 10 and I did well since, I thought I was standing up for myself in way I was but all around me nobody gave me any recognition at all even now

    Only my therapist 🙂

    At home my parents won’t speak to me if they do they are verbally abusive toward me.

    Very quickly in my little 8 years head I believe I deserved better then the life and parents I had

    I can’t explain what made me be that way but I left my parents, find a job and a place at 10 years old

    I been alone most of my life and it was fine

    Eckhart Tolle “the power of now” I discovered his book at age 23 in 2003 and listen to his voice each morning since

    For some reason I feel not the same and there is a peace in me , despite all issues i get right now

    The issues started when i lost my job and rented my home, this open door to serious conflict situation for me

    I didn’t predict to get attack, bullied, taken to court and police involved by renting my home to people but it did

    I felt trapped as i couldn’t stop renting my house

    If i stop i loss my home and be homeless and i have no friends and family that can help me if this happen

    I did well most my life, moved to foreign country, learned a new language started working as cleaner then a nurse then in bank as analyst learned all on my own I did not go to university only home learning

    I was earning 20,000 week crazy money but the more i was going up the more the people i called friends left my life

    My parents no longer speak to me as i refused to give them money, i use to pay everything for them but i couldn’t afford it anymore as i didn’t have a job

    Still i was smart enough to see the situation coming and when i brought my home planned if something happen with my job i rent my rooms

    but this when the nightmare happen

    For 3 long years impossible to get back to a proper job i had some job there and then but nothing long enough for me to change my mortgage for a cheaper one or to live without tenant

    The tenants think i am full of cash as my home is stunning, the pride of my life 🙂 [ I decorated the place myself and it seem I have some gift in interior designer] they don’t know my situation

    A new bread of people rise up in year 2012 people that go around having also they own financial difficulty looking for rent free or something

    Anyway i got judge by my neighbor, everyone

    I started to develop fear, anxiety, felt helpless and so scared

    This year [ i am snake so feel it’s my year ahahah] i feel much stronger to deal with situation,

    It’s funny but I STOP responding and feeding my own need of drama and fights inside and calm it down

    I feel less attack toward myself and somehow despite that outside people still attacking me and intimidate

    This no longer affects me inside

    I have Surrender to whatever outcome will come, there is a chance i get big issue with the law maybe to prison because so many people have reported me

    But i feel i have nothing to blame myself for and whatever happen i welcome it

    The report of the tenants are always around their deposit money but most of them sign up for 3 months then didn’t like something and demand their money on the same day and that’s not possible

    I use to give in but I started to hold them to what they sign and that’s when problem happen for me

    Despite when I go to court the judge understands this still having anxiety didn’t help me sometimes to give voice to the situation

    I am tired to be fearful, it;s not who i am

    I started badly with home renting it's a job you need to learn to control yourself a bite

    i most say the whole bad experience have made me more peaceful, not stronger but peaceful

    About letting go, well i do not feel this is the lesson i need to learn here

    My lesson is to [Trust myself] somehow i was able to trust myself at age 10 but lost it somehow

    Fear was driving my life; Fear can grow in you like a vicious cancer

    I realize during my life through i think because no one gave me feedback that i was doing well, i know it can sound not right but if a child never heard this kind encouragement it can be a problem

    Anyway i didn’t have this and still don’t have it in my life but i realize i was taking myself for granted

    i was not noticing myself my own achievement and how far i came from

    I took all of it for granted

    And yes somehow I deserved to be where i was as my attitude wasn’t good and i was taking myself for granted more then anyone

    Around me people see me like a very strong woman that doesn’t need support or feedback

    People sucking to me as they thought i didn’t need any from them

    I am an Aquarius and what do you hear about Aquarius???? Well they help people they are the humanitarian signs

    So you help and help and help

    Aquarius seem to attracted desperate case and lost cause, they invest a lot and can drain themselves out

    I learned to have boundaries in my life and it's a great thing to learn as if you are a person that give and give and give no stop

    Chance is you are not giving to yourself and you are not helping yourself

    Last week with my Therapist i open my eyes there is a conflict in me with the child, the adult and someone else called the "Mocker" I thought that the” Mocker" was my inner child but no my inner child been protecting me

    I believe now this conflict is going to balance himself as i am now aware of it

    I wasn’t aware of it at all

    I had issue all my life with situation like: someone says something to me during the day and i agree or do something or don’t do anything then i go to bed and the situation repeat and repeat himsef in my sleep

    Then i walk up in morning and tell the person exactly what i feel about them or the previous situation

    Then i feel good

    For me this is ok but for the person in front of me they think i am nuts and hypocrite ahahah

    This happen a lot in my life and i never really gave too much notice to it but now i realize this is the conflict inside of me

    Someone in me want to be good and helpful, beloved and be accepted at all cost [this is not safe for me by the way]

    But another person in me, scream, go away!!! You don’t need validation from nobody, and this person you trying to get love from doesn’t love you or himself for that matter, get out get out now

    Usually the second person win but after a long period of pain because my first person trying to save this person that is not worth it

    I haven’t find the solution yet but i know now this issue is expose at day light and a balance will be as those voices in me have a reason to exist in me i need to find a balance with myself about it

    I realize few months ago i wanted to be in relationship ahahah looking for salvation in relationship ahaha its kind funny ahahah

    I realize the reason i wanted a relationship was to feel safe but what I find is abusive, unavailable, no trust men ahahah

    That’s because inside i wasn’t interested by them really i just wanted someone to fill my day, make me feel better, protect me [Go ahead fight those tenants for me ahahah]

    Anyway the attention was personal, not genuine, not from love but personal gain

    So yes when you feeling afraid, low ahaha what the solution go into a relationship ahahha

    Lucky enough for me I found no one [No men] that took my generous offer to take my problems and insecurity on board ahahah

    So I had to face my problems on my own and learn and I am so grateful for it really

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