Deja vu... needing insight
Hello Everyone! I haven't been here in a while... mostly because it wasn't helping me anymore. I wasn't getting much response to my posts, and i didn't seem to have much to offer anyone anymore. Perhaps Spirit was nudging me to find answers in other sources, which i have. This experience is directing me back here it seems, so I hope that i receive the message that is meant for me, because I think this experience was more meaningful than any other deja vu that i have experienced. I usually interpret it as a sign of checkpoint validating my place and purpose in life. However, due to all the emotional turmoil i am experiencing, I feel it has a higher meaning. There is something to it that I am not getting.
The experience was simple. I was laying in my bed next to my guy friend. He was napping, and I laid next to him thinking I might dose off as well, instead I just enjoyed laying next to him. After he fell asleep, I began to cry, and I used his shoulder to cry on as he slept. I don't have these things in my life anymore, so I guess I used this opportunity to feel like it was there. The deja vu happened as i rolled over to get up. He was still sleeping. My bed faces mirrored closet doors. I caught my reflection in the mirror, and hesitated because it felt so familiar.
I know it was not based off of a memory of something familiar like psychology explains because I have never been near those kind of mirrors. And i don't believe I dreamed it. This experience is significant and I need to learn something from it. An intuitive friend of mine says that deja vu is a "do over"... a chance you have been given to come back and do things over again. I have no idea what I would be doing over again.
Background information... I am divorced, officially in Sept. I was separated 2 years prior to that. I initiated the separation and divorce due to the mental abuse my daughter and I had sustained over the curse of 20 years. My daughter is grown and moved 5 hours away. She has been gone over a year. It broke my heart when she left, and I know I had to get through that before I could really heal from the divorce. I am good with it now, and I have understanding. I have been dealing head on with the emotional part of the divorce for several months now. Every time I take a step forward to move on, I feel good for a day or so, then it all hits me again.
The "relationship" with the guy I mentioned has been slowly evolving over time. I have known him over 7 months now. It started out as an nsa physical thing. He has maintained that he wants to keep things casual, which logically I know is best for me. My emotions have driven me to see him as the "man" in my life, because I am so used to having one. I have gone through a needy and period that i have been trying to keep in control of and respect his boundaries. He has been tolerant when it has been annoying to him. I think I have feelings for him, and I struggle with them almost daily, wanting to end it, but I don't think I am meant to do that. I always come back to giving it time and patience... I get that message everywhere I look... and I know he is meant to be significant in my life, I felt that when I first met him. I have focused my energy wanting him to care about me for a few months now and trying to figure out how he really feels about me... he is sealed tight about his feelings. I think I am moving through that, and I am starting to think more about myself and what I want and need in my life, and I am no longer afraid to spend my life alone, without man in my life. Recently in this shift in focus, I have been back to making the relationship a physical thing... at least when I am with him.... because I know I can't share how I feel about him.
About him... He is 8 years younger than me (34 and 42), only one significant relationship a few years ago, that he won't talk about. He tries to appear strong and silent, but I know he deals with bad social anxiety, which I believe comes from stuffing down his emotions. I have tried to help him through that. Even though he maintains that we are not a "couple", he comes over more frequently. He is comfortable with me to take naps in my bed... lol. He acts like we are a couple, but won't even admit that he likes me... I have to read in to what he says and does. We have deep conversations, and on the night of the deja vu, he was asking me questions about my marriage that brought up a lot of emotions, and i was holding back tears as we were talking... which is probably why I needed to cry on his shoulder when I felt that I could.... but without him knowing. He frequently asks me questions about my perception of him... and I try to be honest, but I am careful how I say things so I don't involve my emotions and put pressure on him to share his feelings about me.
I know this is lengthy, and i truly appreciate anyone who has taken the time to read to the end. My heart is full of gratitude to anyone who can provide some insight.
Love and Blessings to all!
Well, a feeling of deja vu occurs when we relive something we have gone through before. Is your subconscious trying to tell you that you are just repeating the past with this current guy (being unloved and neglected, even abused) and you became sad because you felt stuck in a vicious cycle of repeating behaviour. You say you are moving past clinging to a man, but your need still seems to be there. You need to accept that this man doesn't want a deep involvement because he has been hurt before. If you two cannot share your feelings with each other, you don't have a very strong relationship. You need to find love and support in yourself (which I don't think you do yet) so that you don't need to look for it in anyone else. No one else can complete you.
Thank you Captain for your response. I appreciate your insight. I have already considered that I am repeating past patterns with him. There are some similarities to my ex, such as the anxiety, but he is quite different in the way he relates to me. My ex was quite clingy and very affectionate. This guy is distant and not very affectionate. It was revealed to me that we were brought together to help each other heal. I am in this because he has no expectations of me and I can take that time to heal. Its not that we don't share feelings... we just do not talk about how we feel about each other. I have asked, and he shuts down. Once he even said that he couldn't be honest about how he feels, which I think he meant more that he couldn't be honest with himself more so than me.
You are right that even though I am trying, maybe even pushing myself to move beyond needing a man, that the need is still there. I logically understand that I need to find all these things within myself and that I do not need someone to complete me. I have been searching for all of these things within myself. As I am still in the healing process from the divorce.
It does hit home with me that you say I may be reliving my past in feeling unloved and neglected, as I felt that as a a child more than with my ex. This does verify thoughts that came to me recently. So this gives me direction on what i need to focus on in the healing process.
Thank you so much! Blessings to you!
You are welcome =)))