Losing It Over A Cancer Man...
Hello all! I need some advice! I'm a Gemini woman and super attracted to this cancer guy! It's such a complicated situation, I want to run! We met by chance back in February. This guy was like a magnet...I mean he really drew me close. It was an immediate attraction! I have never felt so close to anyone. We are the same age, birthdays are a few weeks apart. We have soooo much in common, except the way we express emotion! I was married to an Aries for 13 years and separated last year. My cancer guy has been divorced for 2 years with 2 daughters. I knew him for about a month before he took me to his house to meet his daughters.
Our relationship seemed to be escalating, we were spending more and more time together. In early June..he started getting distant. During a conversation one night, we started talking about our relationship. That night he pretty much made it clear that we were only friends and that he never promised me anything. I was devastated. He seemed surprised that i wanted more. In the beginning he stated his main focus was raising his daughters and he wasn't looking to settle down. I agreed with him, because i thought that is what he wanted. A week later, I called his phone and a woman answered! Long story short, they new each other since high school, dated a few times, his mother wanted him to marry her...he ran into her at the store one day and they started talking. In her words, they decided to get married and be together forever. In his words, he was rushed into it because his mother wanted it. She moved in with him. I kept talking to him as a friend. I realized that our relationship suffered a serious lack of communication as far as how we felt about each other. After she came into the picture, we talked a lot and became even closer. I stopped being intimate with him, but realized we were good friends and have so much in common, so i didn't want to lose our friendship. We are able to see each other often because of his work schedule.
Now..he is telling me that he rushed into this but it's hard for him to get out of his situation. His family knows her family and his daughters are close to her, etc etc. He basically offered me half of him! He says I try to make him "mushy" and he doesn't express his feelings. I have to know how he is feeling...he says i analyze him too much! His actions do show that he has feelings for me. If i read between the lines...little things do slip out. He has told me on more than one occasion that he has never been so close to a woman, as he is to me. I just don't get it....if he wanted me then why rush into a relationship the way he did. He swears that he thought I didn't want to settle down and if he would have known , he would have done things differently. He knows he hurt me, and he has apologized with tears in his eyes.
I wonder why I'm so attracted to him...it is unlike anything I have ever experienced. I refuse to be the mistress, so I wonder what could possibly become of this situation. I will always want more than a friendship with him...yet I find it so hard to let go.
RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN
I am sorry you are in pain over this man. I know how devestating it can feel to lose someone that you gave your heart too. I keep reading more and more stories just like yours and it makes me think that us women are confused because we are giving our hearts away to these charming men pre maturely. Do you not see the pattern here? I am not trying to be unsympathetic but take your power back and start moving forward. if this man is meant for you it will work out later in life. You arent doing anything wrong except for not giving yourself a chance to have a quality life of your own. I have been through this a dozen times with a guy myself and yes he was a cancer. I know all to well what you are going through and the only thing that worked for me was to pull up my big girl pants and say NO MORE! I thought we were made for each other. But the thing is I stopped liking how he was making me feel inside. He isnt making you happy anymore and I am sure you deserve to be happy. Start looking for the things that do make you happy besides you imagining yourself in a relationship with him. I am sure you have alot of people in your life that really love you whether it be relative, or friends. Spend time around those that care about you and take some time for yourself too. Find out what it is that puts that smile back on your face. You will get through this and you will be all the stronger and wiser because of it. Life is too short to be sad over any man. Tell yourself everyday that you are an amazing person and start living your life before its over and youve wasted your precious time because this guy cant figure his personal life out. He is being selfish and even if he is meant for you, you have to be the one to decide what is your values, how do you want to be treated and if he isnt doing it for you move on. Hes not stupid and he will understand why you choose to not be disrepected. There is way too much of that going on. Wake up all you ladies and stop letting these men disrespect you.
RUN for now... but keep him close... never know when the other Woman, might want to END IT... your Cancer man will be there Still....... is time important to you ???
Mille! Ive seen you on here before you are so cute girly. lol
Time is not important right now! I do try to run, but he calls and pulls me back in! I really am a strong woman, I am not understanding myself too well right now! I think the hardest part is our friendship. We can talk all night about nothing! We are both in the music industry and we both enjoy each others appreciation for music. Just so many things that make it hard so hard to walk away!
I know its hard and I dont mean to be so blunt but if you want this man to repect you you must do the right thing by you and take a big deep breath of courage and stick up for yourself. You dont have to be unkind to him but I suggest slowly breaking away. Dont talk to him on the phone and so on or you can stay in this rut for a long long time. So not worth it when you can just rip that bandaid off and if hes meant for you he will come for you when the time is right. He is being selfish by staying with this woman and still talking to you. Not fair to you or the girl who is probably feeling the same way about him as you do. Set him free and you are setting yourself free in return. Its going to hurt like he77 I know. But its gonna hurt worse if you keep going like this. and you might be missing other oppurtunities for love or happiness. Its hard to hear I am sorry I just really feel that you are selling yourself short. I have wonderful memories of my ex cancer and im not going to lie I miss him sometimes but the more time goes on that I dont have any contact the more I am finding that I am just fine without him. Not in a cold way either I am very fond of my ex cancer guy I just have to do whats good for me right now and its def not worth pining over him. I didnt realize how much I was missing out on life until my son got sick with cancer and thats when I quit taking crap from everyone including him. Its a growing season and you are experiencing growing pains. Hang in there and figure out what you need from a guy and if all you need is half of a guy then stick with it but it sounds like you want all of a guy to yourself and you deserve that. Dont bargain for less.
I have commented here before on other Cancer men, so you may know that I think they are wonderful.... Except For This ONE.
Please, please, please, please tell him he is married now and that he has made his choice. Tell him to call you when he is over this "rush Job" he got himself into. He has issues HE needs to work out before you and he could ever have anything together. He is not only toying with your life, but the life of his children and the life of this woman!
Think about it. He married her quickly because his Mother wanted him to?? Very mature. I am sure you stay up nights lying in bed praying for a man that has no backbone to make important life decisions with.
He was telling you in the beginning that he did not want a relationship but then turned around and married this lady all of a sudden. That translates into " I am getting married, My mother wants me to have a mother for my girls. I had already asked her before I met you and I can't disappoint her or mother, and if I tell you this you may make it easy for me and walk away." "The sex with you was great, and my ego likes the way you treat me, so I am going to keep you as a safety net."
I know this sounds harsh, and I wish like heck I didn't need to say it, but you need to hear it, taste it, smell it, and breath it. You need to walk away from this man no matter how amazing and wonderful he seams to be to you. If you don't you will have heart ake and pain over being the "Other Woman" in this mans life. No good can come of this situation and I know, deep down inside, you know it to. You and I are both Gemini's, we live life by looking to the possibilities of situations. In fact, the more impossible a situation is the more we try to look at it and see how we can put a positive spin on it to make it come out to our advantage. You can't kid a kidder, I know how we are.
This time though, it is your survival that depends on a clear head out of the clouds and down on the dry land. Look at the facts, write them down if you have to so they are in front of you. Doesn't it bother you just a little that this man chose another to be his number one over you and is now asking you to hang around and stay in the shadows because he feels close to you.
I know it is amazing to be in this man's gravitational pull. I know how he makes you feel. Once beguiled by a Cancer you want more. HOWEVER...You can, I repeat, CAN find another Cancer man. The ocean is full of crabs that need love and affection from you. Men that DESERVE to have you. Men that are truly good enough for you to give the time of day to. This one needs more than any woman will be able to give him. He is want is known as the dark side of his sign, he has many things to work out while he is here in this lifetime. You were brought into his life for a reason and it could be nothing more than to make him see that he needs to grow up, grow a pair, and stop hurting other people. (go back and re read this paragraph again, and when you get to this line, go back and re read that paragraph again, and again and again until it sinks in, O.K.?)
You didn't say why his first marriage broke up, but I have to wonder if it wasn't his lack of commitment?
There are GOOD men out there, honest! I know it gets old looking for them, but YOU deserve so much more than he can ever give. Pleas be good to yourself and believe you deserve only the best...because you do.
Blessings to you that you find the strength to do what you need to do.
Your Sister Gemini
As painful as it is, I think its best that you keep your distance for now... If he really wants to be with you he needs to end his marriage. Don't let yourself get hurt anymore... Life's too short for that. There could be a better man waiting for you right around the corner. Be strong.
Hi I was in a similar situation with a cancer man. I am also a cancerian. I trusted his friendship but found out later that he was using me to fill an emotional void in his life, since he was in a marriage he claimed he wanted to leave and controlling the relationship by quite extreme manipulation. It also became clear that he was very very immature. When his marriage ended so did our friendship - the whole long charade blew apart. He had promptly found someone else but didn't tell me himself, because he knew he'd been stringing me along and promising a future for us. Nor did he tell me he was getting divorced. I was quite happy be a friend because of many shared interests, but with hindsight the friendship was clearly faked on his side. I see some similarities in your tale, not least your uncertainty over your feelings - there is no space for your feelings to be in this relationship. Whatever the truth of the man you know, for your own sake move away from him and find someone else; don't waste years of life. He is immature enough to be bullied by his mother into a marriage he claims not to want, but I suspect there will always be an excuse for your relationship not working. Do it pleasantly, then you can go back to him as a friend later on, when you've got some emotional space from him and have found someone who loves you as much as you love them.
Hello rastagurl, my heart goes out to you as I have been in a similar situation only he was never married his problem is alchohol, and mood swings. He can be loving, kind , but very confusing, he is also very troubled and I have concerns about his health. He pulls me in & he pushes me out I know it is just a matter of time when I will stop all contact I have it my mind to do this , as I know this can,t work. & I think you know in your heart and mind what you have to do. just do a steady pull away and it won,t be so difficult. I wish you much courage and Luck let your spirit guide you. Leonida
Hi lovinmylife..... not sure how to respond..... lol lol lol I Think you're a cute girly too......
I like reading the Cancer anposts, being I'm one myself & a very stubborn cancerian gal.....
i like to compare how other's react to their Cancerian mates.......
i wanted to post you a Private IM Message..... but i don't know where to post it.... lol
see you on the threads.... be well stay cool...
AirTwin....you are so right about so many things, I guess a Gemini knows a Gemini...LOL!
Sometimes I do think it's the challenge of the relationship that keeps me wanting more. It's just so hard when you meet someone you have so much in common with! He did not get married...yet. He claims he has doesn't plan too, but I can't base anything off of what he says.
It really is a sick cycle...and I guess I needed others to show me what I already know. He lives an hour a way but works in my area Mon to Thurs evenings. It is so easy for him to keep both of us. Weekends give me plenty of time to think and usually by Monday morning...I say I am done! Until he calls....and then right back to seeing him Monday evening. We have not been intimate since June...I want to, but will not be with a guy who has another woman. Our sex was amazing, but i won't do it! After it all came down with me finding out about her, I did not see him for about a month. I should have just stayed away the first time. I was actually getting back to normal!
We are both in the music business...at least trying to be! My career started going in a different direction right after I first met him. I started traveling more often.. He later said that this was once of the things that made him realize we could only be friends. He didn't want to hold me back. His first wife left him once her career took off..she is now well known and he raises the kids. It left a scar on him. He says that if he would have known that I wanted him in that way, he would have never rushed into this relationship with his ex. So I guess for me...it's those things that makes me wonder what could have been. This is their 3rd try...she moved in with him so quickly because she was living in another country., and needed a place to stay in the US. Part of me wants to stick around to see if it will work this time. Now that I know he is capable of having 2 women at the same time....I'm not even sure I want him in that way anymore!
Hey rastagirl good for you I can see the lightbulb starting to flicker in your head. lol But seriously stop acting on your emotion and keep using your head. Be strong and start distancing yourself from him more and more and if he asks you whats up then tell him honestly but firmly that you love him but he isnt capable of treating you the way you need to be treated and you must protecct your own heart bc you are getting hurt in this situation. Tell him that he has to decide her or you period and you will not tolerate being second in his life EVER! He knows you deserve better than what he is giving you. More than likely it wont last with his ex but do you really want to be with him just because it didnt work out with her? Come on, youve gotta stand up for yourself girly. Quit dreamin that hes going to majically stop acting like a jerk. He may grow up down the road but right now he hasnt. He is an adult im assuming and he needs to figure this out. Dont mother him and start telling him to grow up and stuff either bc thats not very healthy. Get yourself in a better place emotionally so you can use your strength and use good judgement should he try to pull the wool over your eyes.
ramonita last edited by
great advice! he love me first, i wont settle for second best,
wont wait around to be first best, because someday he will or could decide
that he wants to place me in second best all over again, love hurts especially when it is betrayed, and when they are games behind it, as it is obvious, no u dont want a serious relationship and jump into one.? WHY WAIT AROUND TO GET HURT EVEN MORE!
ramonita last edited by
I AGREE COMPLETELY WITH LOVING MY LIFE,
VERY WISE WOMAN!
Thank you romanita! Thats a compliment.
Thanks! The lightbulb usually goes on Sunday night, by Monday I hear from him again and....It's a vicious cycle! I do think I am ready for tomorrow,.LOL.
Lol, Rastagurl. You will know when you are ready. You just hang in there and take good care of yourself. I have had relationship advice that was smart but I wasnt ready to take action at the time. Let us no how things go for you later on. Good night.
I'm a Cancer that was married to a Cancer man. He was a Momma's boy but handsome, attractive - I fell for him immediately too.
At this point I'd run too. Start doing other things to try and get your mind off of him. Don't call him and have him stop calling you too. Telling you that you can have "half" of him should have the bells and whistles blaring. You'll never have him completely and you deserve more than that.