Anyone for advice or reading?
I have gone through quite the marriage. It's only been two years, but I am totally worn out and I honestly don't feel the need or even desire to continue it, even if he has made a great effort to recognize his wrong doings and change. I have literally lost my mind twice, and I can't ever see myself being happy here for really any reason. I have tried the steps of letting it go and take it day by day many many times before, and now i sense the effort is in vain, and if I am honest, I feel I will never be happy with this man, no matter how desperately he may truly wish to make me happy, no matter how I may wish to just be happy myself. I also feel no desire to try to make him happy any longer. Please help, I am not one to throw in the towel. But who I am now and who I expect myself to be, I fall short. And all my ideals and dreams have gone out the window, I feel lost in the wind. I don't like who I have become under his care. He tells me that leaving him is a mistake, as he had always done before marriage, while I had always had an aching that I would have been the right thing, for myself at least, but I just never want to do the wrong thing. Being honest, I am afraid, but I don't know why - if it is being afraid of doing the wrong thing, or of being alone, or what his family might have to endure if I leave... who knows, I don't!! If anyone can be kind to offer insight to the situation, I would appreciate it.
If you give me yours and your partner's birthdates, I will look at your compatibility and the future of the relationship. But it does sound as if this marriage is more destructive than constructive or productive.
A good marriage is only possible here if a balance between your two very different outlooks can be achieved. If you can effect a compromise between your partner's criticality and his independence and your sometimes overpowering drive and dominance, lasting harmony can result. If not, expect the worst. Your husband's frank and cutting remarks can wound and anger you and you may find yourself responding with violent outbursts and then stony silences. He on the other hand feels you misunderstand him and don't seem to care much about him. You both need to express how much you hurt each other. Open up lines of communication and try to diminish conflict. You two need to be aware of your effect on yourselves and on others. Your relationship tends to be largely pragmatic and unconventional in outlook so a little more loving, consideration, or romance may be needed to help it succeed. Otherwise it just becomes adversarial, strained, and uncommunicative.
You Leolight want a partner whom you can both take care of and be taken care of, someone with whom you can merge your energy and feel mutal empowerment in a total, permanent commitment. Your Gemini man needs to feel free and independent within a relationship - otherwise he can become bored and stifled with family life. Your husband feels he is destined to be a great success in the world. So he tends to feel victimized when he doesn't succeed in his ventures or work, blaming everyone else for his failures. So you can unfairly cop a lot of this blame, and he may take his frustrations out on you. He needs to grow up and take responsibility for his own life choices and direction, not blame everyone else. Until he matures however, he will continue to inflict his frustrations on the closest person - namely you.
Unless you both can reach a compromise on the problems and differences in this relationship, the marriage is over.
What does it mean, to be independent and free within a relationship? (What he wants?) That sounds more like what I want, as well, where I can go out with friends if he wants to stay at home and chillax. However, he ended up being quite the worry wort, and couch potato, and forced me to stay at home, also. This whole relationship has turned me upside down, I don't even know what I want in my life anymore; i used to have a picture of what things should be like, but ... omg seriously! I feel I have lost everything in this marriage. I don't know if I can reach a compromise, because I feel I've compromised enough, if not more than most would, and I am worn out. I don't even feel attracted to him anymore, he's become like a mutual room mate to me. It would break his heart if he knew that... he wants to have a baby, and those dreams for me vaporized about a month or more ago. I'd started feeling very uncomfortable about that.
You are right about him taking his anger out on me, and how he feels victimized left and right. I never thought I would end up in such instability. OMG I have anxiety attacks every day. I just try to take it day by day, but I don't know if it will get better, ever.
Basically he wants YOU to stay at home to take care of domestic life and provide his comforts while HE goes out when he feels like it. He wants you to be the 'little wife and mother' at home. Having a baby will definitely not help the situation. You need to sit him down and tell him the honest truth - that you are very unhappy and want out.
Do you have any read on how that situation might play out? And how much does he honestly love me, I feel that I am not truly loved, but that he is playing out his own wishes and desires, that the dreams of life are not shared, but his alone; but he acts, and behaves in ways of love, and this confuses me if it is my problem or if it's true, the way that I feel.
I feel you are right - that your husband is seeing things all from his point of view and needs. He is still very immature in many ways.
I have opened up my feelings with my father, who can be selfish and unstable himself. Can you please give me any insight as to my father's affections for me? Does he have his own agenda? Is the advice he is giving me the best for me? His birthday is 2-2-1944.
And let's say that I decided to give my marriage another go, that I discarded my mistrust and hurt and took my husband's efforts as genuine. Do you see him having a complete change of heart, where I could find joy again, and that he would be a good father?
Thanks so much Captain.
LeoLight, don't waste your precious time on doubts. Trust your intuition - if it tells you that you need to get out, then you need to get out. You are both still young and you would be doing both of you a favour, by giving yourself and him a chance to meet someone who you would be truly compatible with. Otherwise chances are that you'll waste yours and his lives on living in an unhappy relationship.
Leolight, no one else really matters here. It's not about your father or your husband. Other people cannot make you whole. Other people cannot make you feel happy. What matters is that you don't feel love coming to you at all - when really you should have love for yourself. All your difficulties and confusion stem from the fact that you do not fully know or love yourself. If you did love yourself, you wouldn't be so desperate for love that you would turn to an immature husband or an unstable father. You have looked for someone to give you the love you didn't feel from your father but instead ended up choosing a man who was very much like him. You need to get away for a while from these types of men to sort out for yourself what you really want.
good advice, and probably all true. Thanks all, I hope I can do the right thing.
You CAN do the right thing...your heart has been telling you, your spirit has been telling you...but Fear has held you captive, making you believe you don't know which way to turn. Guilt has held you captive, as in how will I affect others? Others and yourself are not happy now...not truly.
Look fear in the face
What is the worst possible scenario?
That you cannot survive on your own? I think you can....and I believe you will, for Captain is right. You will discover that
When you live the life that YOU want....
making your own decisions and accepting the consequences, whatever they may be...
(and learning to live independently)...
you will find the light that you seek
the joy in knowing that you own your life as you were meant to.
From there...and only there....can you make an educated confident decision based on what you want in your life as to the kind of person you want to share it with.
I've been there... I waited 24 yrs in an unhappy marriage to face my fear...and then...half my life was over.
When I left, after the initial fear and realization that I could make it.... came the beautiful sense of liberation and purpose. I truly began to live for the first time since I had left my parents all those years ago.
After several years of discovering who I really was, I was ready to look for the man with the qualities I desired in a life mate....and I found him, through prayer and asking God to guide me to that person.
Remember....fear is the real obstacle. You will do fine once you make up your mind and begin your first foot forward.
May God give you strength to do what you must to find your own true path and Bless you.
It will not be easy. But the strength you gain from living your conviction will only serve to make you stronger.
Love to you LeoLight
Thanks so much for your kind advice!
I am not afraid of being on my own, instead i am highly confident in myself. I have been blessed to never have had any delusion that I cannot survive without him.
I told him that I want to go last night and he just collapses in agony, and with rebuttles to my pain, and it just becomes so suffocating! He behaves as if he has no oxygen, and says he can't live without me, he starts to completely panic. What can I do when he starts acting this way? It's not the first time, every time I have tried to tell him that I want to move on, he does the same thing, its sickening and maddening. I want to slap him and tell him to grow up!! But obviously that's not appropriate. If I just say it to him he freaks out more. His mom is telling me today that I am stubborn and immature. I know he has some excellent qualities, but the ones that are bad are just not acceptable to me. I wish that if he wanted to convince me not to go, he would behave like a man and not so pathetically I know that that is harsh to say, but its true. :(( Anyways he says that he loves me too much and he refuses to let the marriage fail, so I agreed to go to marriage counseling. We will see how that works. :(( Please keep sending some love my way, I certainly need it
And please keep giving advice, I am feeling so alone, and definitely stuck!!
Thanks so much for these, ladies, it is good to read them again.
Love to you Leo Light; it is possible for things to change - for people to change. I hope you look at your own patterns and get a really good therapist.
One time when I was going through a trying to break up phase I got a psychiatrist that was having a very similar life experience and gave me advice, I feel that maybe wasn't the best advice for me - based on his reality. Of course I took it as "gospel."
Then, after that relationship eventually broke off, I ended up with "Mr. Lowkey," who I thought of as only Mr. Right Now - and four years later I find myself pretty dang happy and in love! and living a very compatible life.
However he was a complete opposite of my father, while the man before had been almost a carbon copy.
So I do hope you take the Captain's advice about the father thing....and let it be part of what you look at in counseling. I'm glad that whatever the situation is, this man feels that much love for you - and I hope you let that in! A lot of times, what we have programed ourselves to believe/see as "LOVE," is all that we can see - even when the other person is right there loving us, we don't see it. People need ot speak the same love language, at least a bit.
Just wanted to let you know you are not alone. Blessings be!
Thank you jlinaangel. So kind of u and such good advice u r very right