Dear charmedwitchbente



  • thank you 4 your help. i do agree in that there are alot of other things i need to focus on right now. as far as my man never being home, there are many reasons i dont condone it. my values and beliefs as to what a healthy r.ship/marriage means to me doesnt allow for this arrangement. my finances religoius parents agree with me, as well as everyone i know including my pastor and his wife! to me a healthy marriage means being there for your spouse, not just financially but emotionally,sexually, and phyically. i feel a couple needs to share the household chores,duties and child rearing. not just the spouse at home doing everything as if they were a single parent. my reason for going to online dating in 1st place was to find a life partner to share life and experiences together, someone to come to every night, to do fun things with, i read an article from a marriage therapist who is a doctor, he talks about the 4 emotional needs that need to met for a healthy,lasting marriage. and these needs cant be met if spouse is practically only in your life 4 days a month! its marriagebuilders.com if u would like to get more understandin on how i think approach relationship and how i was raised, take a look at this site, and read the vital marriage concepts article. its like the doctor took the words right out of my mouth! lol anyway, i understand we need to make money,pay bills,etc.. but for me a fullfilling and happy relationship is more important then material goods. many of these opinions of my take on this subject was something i believe in more and more through the sermons that r preached at my church. that and i know exactly what my emotiona needs are and what i want out of a r.ship/marriage. ifeel a husband and especially a father needs to be there for his family. and raise the kids together as a team. If i wanted to live the lifestyle of single person then i wouldve stayed single in the 1st plae. im more lonely and sexually frustrated now then when i was single. had more romantic companionship b4 i met him. i dont like the "single" life, its just not in my nature, and right now im living a "single-like" life. dateless sat nights,no date for romantic holidays which are my favorite holidays, sleeping alone, no kissing,cuddling,etc.. things that are important to me. my man wanted to be over the road because he said he is a free-spirit, who doesnt like to be tied down. he called himself a gpysy! after talking to his parents he almost broke down crying saying oh my god, Caroline(me) is right! and he has now "saw the light" so to speak and agrees that its important to choose either "the free" way of lifestyle or to actually settle down. but right now he has little job options cause local company want drivers with a little more experience then what he has right now. as for family,friends i dont have many female friends, but thats by choice! there arent too many woman i want to hang with, i get along and prefer having guy friends, iv always been that way. i prefer the conversations, hobbies,etc,, that men do. i can be a tomboy lol since we have been together i havnt done much with my man, for one reason or another, we constantly had obstacles preventing us from being together in person, quality time,etc iv had more memories/experiences with men i dated for 6 months more then 2yrs with him! so his goal is to go local driving asap, cause he starting to be unhappy with the lack of togetherness we r having, and doesnt want to miss out on all the prewedding events. between studying,working,wedding planning, taking care of his(our) pets, doing the footwork 4paying bills,etcc i dont have time for myself at all. so even if i had alot of friends to hang with i wouldnt have time anyway! cause i have to take on all the burdens at home without any help around here. he admitted just today that isnt fair to me. so meantime we are suffering until he can get out of being over the road. and we looking forward for this unhappy time to be over so we can have a life together. as for family, my family/mom will not be helping me with my wedding. as a matter of effect they wont be attending the wedding either. they hate my fiance, and my mom is mad/bitter that im even still with him! so u say wedding will be success??? does that mean my mom/sis will change their minds and come to the wedding?? will they ever like my fiance again? whats going to happen here? cause its breaks my heart not having my mom there to help me with most important day in my life. she was always my best friend



  • again i mark his job situation is only as long as he gets experience n credits. i am certain once that is in house he will find a job where he can drive n b home with u. in all ur post here i see me me me n i i i not a we at all.

    i do not need to see sites to understand where u´re coming from. u want him to b there 4 him n i ask where r u for him in this? to me it sounds my way or highway! no compromise. u can have so many who agree with u but in end r those the one u gotta live with or is it ur fiance soon to b husband? i know u fight 4 ur happiness n wellbeing however i ask where is his?



  • yes i do understand what u are saying. i want him to be happy as well. neither party in a relationship can be happy if the other is unhappy. he has told me that seeing me sad is making him upset. i do understand that marriage is a team effort. the biggest challenge getting to this point has been the slow process of my fiance being ready/willing to settle down, he has always been the type to go to woman to woman and felt commitment is a prison sentence lol anyway he has come a long way, he has admitted that meeting me has given him reason to finally settle down, and that he realizes its that time in his life to build a foundation for the future. for a good chunk of our relationship it was I who was always giving and giving and sacrificing for him, i put my loved ones needs/desires ahead of my own. dont get me wrong, i dont allow it to lose myself but I just put those i care about 1st. i was raised to treat people how id like to be treated. 🙂 my man was selfish when we 1st met, and it caused alot of challenges, fights, etc.. but he has come a long way. im so proud of him. he still has moments but no one is perfect. an example: when he had flu, he wanted me to cater to him,nurse him, clean,cook,etc.. but when i got the same flu and he was over it, he still wanted me to cater to him, walk dogs in blizzard,etcc lol he had earlier promised he would pamper me when i get sick lol i knew how that would end lol. well regardless he has come a long way, he is becoming more considerate and sensitive. I never ask for anything, even when everyone else says i deserve it . so yes in regards to this, i would like same consideration iv been giving for past couple years, i feel thats fair.



  • any relationship whether it goes to long term marriage or not is a delicate plant. exotic n needs load of tlc. a relationship that is balanced will last. one that aint will quickly fall apart. the plant dies. so i understand u wish it to b fair. i hear u.

    has he said he plans to get a job closer to home once he has earned acolades? experience? if not its an issue u need to address. I say this bc i think believe u can cope with those small 2 to 3 years when the main goal is a job closer to job where he will b home each day. if not then u need to figure if this is what u want n can live with or not.

    in short u 2 need to sit down n talk n above all LISTEN to eachother. now b4 it goes further.



  • thank you so much for your help, you have been so insightful and kind. and yes communication our needs, long terms plans is very important. and yes my fiance just doesnt have any reasonable oppurtunities for a local job, at least not yet. and right now getting financially caught up is important. I just hope is doesnt take too long, biological clock is sorta ticking lol but i want to do things, experience those things with him and are difficult challenging once you have thr responsibilty of kids. and he knows i am deadset against raising children alone. anyway, it will get better we have great faith 🙂 anyhow, what do you think will happen with my family? do you think they will come to the wedding?



  • I get they wont miss it for anything in the world. u are much loved both of u are. the job he has ur man its a temp until he has his experience n acolades. meanwhile he does that explore ur needs wants n desires. by it i mean hobbies n stuff



  • thank you so much, i feel alot more optimistic about the future and possibilities. and want my family to be there for my happiest day! will they just come for my sake or do you see a reconciliation between my fiance and family? as this time they want nothing to do with it or my fiance, my mom even said if i have kids with him she wont see them! so what will make my family change their mind? what will cause this drastic change?



  • when do you think this will happen? cause the wedding planning has already started and i want my family involved with this process.



  • do u think i can see ur photos of u n ur man, that way i may b able to better see what may cause a change. off bat i think when they see how happy he makes u. afterall its ur choise ur life n u are the one who has to live it, not them. so mayb is that an issue u need aired first.

    ur life ur choise n if they love n care for u they accept. If they cant then u need to choose do i want to life my life with my choises or live by their rules wants n needs.