Broke up with a Cancer Woman, How do I get her back?
So i was dating this woman for 5 years its been about one month now since we have broken up. I have read that cancer women retreat back into their shell when they get hurt, and the best way to get them to come out is to let them be. So you see my story starts about a year and a half ago. During that time it seemed to me as though she was acting very distant, I approached her about it and she claimed that she wasn't. however, the break up it seemed was planned by her. The break up was done by me, but it seemed that she pushed me too it. She would always argue and pick fights this past year, which put me in a corner, so my temper got the best of me one day and I snapped and broke up with her. She recently just turned 21 and im three years older than her. She said she was confused after the break up and didnt know what she wanted. so I tried emailing her, not begging, but just wondering what was going on and why thins happened. I emailed her three times and wished her a happy birthday and got now response. So my question is basically, is this typical cancer behavior. where she is putting an outer shell of toughness and actually hurt inside and if so how do I approach this and try to win her back. My plan is to give her space and let her just let her be. Or does it already sound that she has moved on without chance of getting back together. Any help that will help shed some light on this would be greatly appriciated.
I don't know if I can help you, seeing as I'm lost about a cancer of my own. But here i go!
The only thing I can think of is showing her slowly and painstakingly that you still care. Dont force her into anything, just over the course of weeks or months or however long it takes, show her signs of affection and endearment.
But, first I think you guys need to talk about things. If your saying she pushed you to break up with her, maybe that isn't a good sign. You need to figure out if she actually wants to have a relationship with you. I read somewhere that when cancers are unhappy in a relationship, usually instead of breaking it off themselves they'll just become so distant and unemotional that their partner has no choice but to do if for them.
So, before you start trying to take her back, make sure you guys actually have something to go back to.
Excellent advice from MariaRia there! As a Cancer I completely agree. I only ever went back into a relationship one time in my entire life. We broke up after two years - I confess it was my doing - I was in college, only 19 and I just wanted some freedom. We were apart for about 6 months, I had my fun, figured out he wasn't so bad after all, and we got back together. We stayed together another two years but right at the point that I was about to graduate he started talking marriage. I didn't want to get married right out of college, I was only 21 after all! He persisted, I resisted, he said if you love me we should be married, I said if you love me you should give me some time, next thing it became a battle (he was a stubborn Taurus) and I suppose it was actually me who ended it again. Tooo much pressure!!
Giving her some space is the right thing to do, and I agree with Maria, is you sensed that she was the one doing the pushing, in my little Cancer mind, it suggests that there were aspects of your relationship that were making her unhappy. Too much to explain here, but suffice to say I've done the same thing.
But with that degree of uncertainty about what she may be feeling for you, for your own sake you either need to try to figure out if she sees any future at all between you (ask her directly and go from there), or make a decision on your own to just keep giving her space, keep in touch enough that she knows you care and all the while try not pin your hopes on any particular outcome. If you are in her heart she will return to you with the right encouragement, if you really are out of her heart, well, I can only speak for myself, I wouldn't return to a relationship unless I were totally, completely sure that I wanted to commit myself to it again, otherwise I would not want to risk hurting the other person.
My biggest tip is: if there is clear evidence that she might be open to returning to a relationship with you, you must give her consistent attention. I don't mean smother her, or you will blow it - she does require some breathing room right now. Just gentle reminders that you are thinking of her, and that she's still in your heart and mind, that you miss her. Do not grovel or beg - this will have the negative affect of making her feel bad about your pain as well as pressured to come to a decision that she obviously needs some time on. Back into the shell she will go and she may never come back out! Lol.
I hope this was helpful, and wishing you a good outcome no matter what happens.
I am a Sagittarius who spent 10 years trying to figure this out about the Cancer I was with. He did this, over and over again, and it, unfortuneately, usually meant that there was someone else, or that there were too many dark secrets or emotions that they don't want to share with you. It will repeat if you get back together. Mark my words. Either you learn to live with it, or walk away. All I can say is that if you love them, stick by them. If you love yourself, you may have to learn to let go. I finally had to choose myself over the repeated trauma and heart ache, because it was all I had in store for me until I changed the outcome. I do wish you the best outcome for you, as I know exactly how you feel, having once been there. Letting go, though, was the best choice I could have possibly made, and I would never go back now.
well all i can say being a cancer myself is that we are very hard to understand because we hide are feelings alot. And if you have hurt a cancers feelings they usually wont give another chance because they feel they have lost your trust. They may forgive you but they will never forget. All i can say is tio try to explain that you felt pressured and that you were not trying to be rude by breaking up with her.And you want to try to work things out by gaining her trust again.
As a Cancer with a Scorpio stellium, I can tell you... once we have been hurt, we can never ever trust you again. You lose our trust? You hurt us? You've lost us... forever. Grim? Maybe. But as the most sensitive creatures in the Zodiac, we are too intelligent not to protect ourselves.
I have NEVER EVER taken anyone back, and NEVER EVER will! Sheer protection, darling. You can attempt a conversation with us, but I am 99% certain you will be shut down. If she pulled away, you hurt her. Maybe you meant to, maybe you didn't, but she got hurt and withdrew. We will put up with a lot, but once the final straw breaks, we drop kick you back into the abyss whence you came, and you are no longer part of our reality. There are people out there who can appreciate us as we are...... usually Scorpios or Pisces. We don't look back. The wisest thing to do is to look forward to the future.
thanks everyone for the input. and you know looking back in the relationship we both did things that were bad. however, my temper sometimes got the best of me during our arugments, i guess that was the aries in me. But you know I realized my mistakes, and do want to try things again with her. But one thing ive notice with her is that she doesnt really accept that she did anything wrong. I always had to apologzie for everything, is that typcial cancer behavior?? thinking you are always right?
Also with the lost of trust, how do I gain that back?? how do I show her?? or is already to late? we have been separated now for a little over a month, with no contact on her part. Like i stated ive tried contacting her three times and got no response. So should i just assume then that there is no future for me and her? or should i just keep giving her her freedom?
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The temper thing is something we don't do well with at all. And, if you haven't heard in 3 weeks... I hate to say it, but I'd give up and move forward. Make sure you don't unleash your temper inyour next relatiosnhip. Or pick out a Leo or Sag next time, who won't care quite a s much. But once you've lost our trust, sorry, but there isn't anything on earth or heaven you can do. Cancers do know when they have made mistakes. Just because she won't tell you doesn't mean she doesn't know.
There's that trust again. We only admit when we've made errors to someone we trust 150%. It's the basic vulnerability of the Crab. The Aries I was with decades ago destroyed my trust, tried to get back together with me, and I had to make it very clear I wanted nothing to do with him whatsoever. I tried telling him, and wound up just moving, changing my phone #, and ignoring him. It took me a year before I could speak to him... but by then I had found a fine fine Scorpio, who I could trust. With him, the communication was fantastic, and we both admitted when we were learning and growing. Sorry this isn't happier advice but... there it is. Good luck!
see you made it clear though.......you gave him closure. So basically you saying that once that trust is gone that there is nothing, nothing that can gain it back. so everyone in your life that has either hurt you or lost your trust is no longer in it? is there any easy way to approach the trust issue. i mean i think we both oh it to ourselves to sort our issues. there are men out there that have done worse things than me, i didnt trust her and i got angry easy. i never hit her, never cheated, i treated her amazing.
and if i really did hurt her, then how do i approach it then? do you agree with seanymph in that if you get hurt you cant forgive??
My advice to you is do not call her. Show up on her doorstep. 5 years is a very long time to have dated someone. Although, it is true that once a Cancer woman has been hurt we do retreat or side-step to gain clarity. As we age, we are less apt to not "trust again". There are many factors to consider. The first is to remind you that we just went through THREE eclipses in a short period of time and TWO of them were in Cancer/Capricorn. Capricorn is the polar opposite of Cancer which means this did have an effect on her. Plus, she dated you for 5 YEARS!!! Cancer women have 3 M's on their mind from birth. MARRIAGE - MOTHERHOOD - MONEY (not necessarily in that order). IF YOU LOVE HER you need to talk WITH her. NOT at her! YOU need to LISTEN! Most Cancers are looking for stability. You not taking action in over a month maybe what hurts you most in this scenario. We are dreamers and fantasize about the knight in shining armor who comes chasing after us. Calling when we are upset and confused doesn't count in our heads. SHOW UP! LAY THE TRUTH out for her to see. It may not be too late for you. Your girl wants nothing more to hear you say those words to open her heart back up. We are the most nurturing sign of the zodiac. Ask her to show you how to communicate in a better way with her and prove it to her by having deep discussions about your feelings for her. If you are not ready to fully commit to her - she will spot that by a mile. Giving her "space" works for a SHORT time. We aren't like guys who need to go into their caves to ponder the situation for ever. We ALL get hurt at some point in a "REAL" relationship. But Cancer Women also know how to forgive. Go See her. I wish you good luck.
i only didnt take action because she said after the break up to not text call or see her. so im only following and listening to what she said. one thing i read about cancer women was to give them there space and freedom. is that completely true??
She said that because she was angry, hurt and disappointed.
Show Up on her doorstep. IF she loves you she will be so happy in her heart to see you.
Do not expect her to run into your arms...she will probably remain cool UNTIL she hears
what you came to say.
You need to tell her that you were angry and hurt and apologize. TELL her you understand
if she is angry with you still but she is too important for you to let it all go. Tell her what you told us here. That you love her, miss her and are asking for another chance. Stop writing on this chat and drive over there before it really is too late. She is probably the best thing you will ever have in your life time. We are loyal, caring, & determined sign.
As a Cancer woman who has many break-ups over the years (I'm 60) the best way to get her to understand that you want her back is to just let her be for awhile. Then slowly let her understand that you are a friend & would like to just do things together, like go to a movie, have a coffee together, whatever. Nothing too sexual - nothing too pushy.
She pushed you to a break-up by pushing your buttons. She figured that if you loved her you'd put up with this crap OR break it off....just like you did. SHe set a self-fullfilling prophesy in her mind & when it happened as she thought it would her thoughts were "See, I knew this would happen. He doesn't love me."
I know cause I've done the same thing. My self esteem has been very low fo rmany years. After my husband died I really was low. My new significant other has allowed me to become the woman I should be by loving me as I am.
Wish you good luck with your love situation. She will be worth the effort once you get her to understand that you're not going anywhere. You love her & want her for life.
Thats what ive been told otherwomen, just to leave her alone. Ive done that now since her bday, july 17th, so its been a month. I mean where do I go from here? theres no contact between us, I just feel like the more i give her space, the more will eventually lose her for good. That is if i havent lost her already. I mean how long do i really have to let her be before i can start to attempt to even contacting her or should i wait for her to contact me?
It doesn't matter what your sign is. If you are a mature person, you can grow and learn, and forgive. But.... and here is the big gigantic but.... part of learning and growing is knowing when to forgive and try and work on things... or to forgive, wish the other one well, and move forward to the much better future you can create for yourself.
Judge me all you want. I don't judge. But I don't keep abusers and abusive people in my life, nor people who have proven that they can't be trusted. Why? There are more than 6 billion people on this planet. There are a lot of friends and lovers out there for us to meet, and jettisoning our baggage makes it easier for the Universe to send us a better relationship.. Remember that Cancers have the best memories in the zodiac. We remember everything. If a person... even moreso than a relationship... is worth keeping, we know it. And we will work on it, and forgive, but we absolutely need to know that that person is changing. Basically, he (or she) has to come clean, be honest, take responsibility, admit they were wrong, be willing to change, and then start showing the change. Wish I could write "CHANGE" in bright golden letters, but I can't, so there are the capital letters.
No, we don't throw everything out of our lives, but we give our trust. If you show change, if you work on it, if you calmly admit error and show that you are adamantly working on re-earning our trust, sure, we keep you. We're learning too. But the smart Cancers know when something is not worth salvaging. We may have a shy side, but we know what we are worth, and we don't put up with less. We know how to wait, almost as well as a Scorpio, and we'll wait for something better.
Ummm, not talking to her since her birthday... this just migth be the root of the problem. Did you forget her birthday? Did you fight on her birthday? I don't care if the Cancer is 8 or 88, her birthday is pretty important. She's sentimental. If you didn't remember... ouch! Don't expect a warm welcome. If you fouht, that was probably the worst day to pick. Like the other poster said, better to make amends, rather than chatting here; show that you are willing to be a "friend", don't be pushy, send sentimental cards or notes or the like. Let her warm up to you.
As another poster said, Cancers often look for the three "M"s.. but the biggest thing is stability. I have an alternative lifestyle and prefer to be unmarried, been married, but happier unmarried. But like most, I wnat stability. Think about how you could offer that.
Good luck and best wishes!
The fight happened sixteen days prior to her birthday. She just turned twenty one and that was the biggest issues. The issue was that she wanted experience without me, but also still have me at the same time, which honestly to this day I dont even know what that means. But when we broke up she didnt want any contact or anything from me, no text, no email, no phone calls. So i did that. Execpt two days after she called me to talk, then she called me again. Both these calls consisted of saying she want me to wait, but she doesnt know how long she wants me to wait for. Also she informed me that if neither one of us wanted to wait, each would tell the other that. So i said ok. So she stopped calling after these two incidents.
Now I wanted to informer that I was wiling to change and you know that I was wrong, I sent all this in an email. After this email you know i was feeling ok, I started realzing my faults and I was ready to try and address them with her and we both could potentially work on things together. So I was going to write her another email, you know telling her all my realizations and just like you said being friendly. So before this could happen a friend told me that she informed her that she wants me to move on, to just let go. I was pretty shocked because the last time we talked she said that we would tell each other, we agreed upon that, so I was a bit angry that I heard it through her friend, instead of her directly. Which to me was very immature. So I wrote her kind of a email just asking what happened between the two of us, and was she just pretending to actually are about me these past five years etc. Pretty much kinda of a closure letter from me to her, so I thought
This is prolly the second week into the break up, she is claiming that she already has moved on and that I should do the same, which quite honestly is bs because you cant forget five years in two weeks, not possible. so after this closure email I thought that I was done, but as the weeks past i felt that I still loved her and I really missed her. So on her bday I sent her a happy birthday, and an email saying you know I miss u, and Im sorry and i told her that I would still wait etc. not a begging letter but just a letter like you said showing that I still cared and was willing to fight for our relationships because it meant alot to me. I got no response not even a thank you or anything. So that wa my thrid attempt. I want to keep showing her I care but, not the cost of my dignity, I dont want to continuely put myself out there pouring my emotions out and not get any response. I still care about her, i can even say I still love her. I want to show her that I care and i support her and that I want to be there for her, but I dont know how.
Sorry for the long response. i just wanted to make a few things clear. things were stable in our relationship until the point were she mentioned she wanted me in her life, but also wanted experience without me in it. So basically she wanted to live a single life, but also have a bf, which I honeslty dont want that. so there it is......in a long story. I love a woman, I want to fight for her and show her that she means everything to me but each time I do I ge shot down. So i dont know what else to do. I have all these feelings for her that I just want to share with her, but I just dont want to get hurt when she doesnt respond. So cancers are shelter when they get hurt, i get that, and i get they hide in there shell. But hiding in the shell prevents you to really see whats outside. especially when someone great is knocking at the door. I would do anything for this woman, and I have. And its terrible that she doesnt see that after five years.
No need for astrolgy at this point. You wrote: "The issue was that she wanted experience without me, but also still have me at the same time, which honestly to this day I dont even know what that means. But when we broke up she didnt want any contact or anything from me, no text, no email, no phone calls.".
She wants an open relationship. She wants to experience other men, women, or whatever she happens to be into. At the time she wrote, she wanted you in her life in some capacity. She is also saying that she wants the both of you to be honest if you see additional people. She was basically expressing her desires for an open relationship. If you were cool with that, awesome. If not, then it would be good to go your separate ways.
Then when you broke up, she closed it off. "But when we broke up she didnt want any contact or anything from me, no text, no email, no phone calls."
Remember that if it was 5 years, that she was with you starting at 16. To spend all your time with someone at 16 - 21 is great, but she desires other experiences, and that is totally normal. It might hurt to hear, but it is a totally normal decision on her part.
I would relax at this point, and think about what I wanted in my next relationship. It is time to move forward in your own life. Think about what you'd like to do and get together with your guy friends (very important to have space between relationships so you don't draw your baggage with you), and then go do it. I know, it is romantic to want to fight for your girlfriend, but Aries and Cancer are different. Aries wants to fight to prove. Cancer desn't desire to fight.
With this additional info, she sounds like she has moved on. It will hurt, and you will feel like you will never love again. But you will. As you grow, you'll find someone even better suited to who you are. Think about what was good in your 5 years, and keep that. She is clear she does not want contact. When you have emotionally moved on, i.e., when you have a new girlfriend or when you can think of her and not feel the tingles, then would be the time to contact her and let her know that you care about her platonically. then you can be a true friend. If there is something still there, she will let you know. But... chances are rather good that you will both have moved on, and you can cherish the good times while enjoying your new significant others.
Good luck and best wishes!
how oftern do cancers regret the decisions they make?
Your story sounds almost the same as mine right down to the timeline and events.
Only differences are my Wife, who is from Tokyo Japan (I am a Canadian guy) and she is a Capricorn. About two years ago she became agressive, even physically agresive. We also have a child together ad now she is gone for 4 weeks, same story as you in that there is no reply to communications. I didn't lose my temper, but te day she left I had reached my tolerance and said some words that pushed her away. I didn't understand that, and maybe this is the case with your girl, that she became onely even though we were there. Maybe we missed that their actions were because of feeling lonely, hurt, stressed, or other things we didn't see or understand. Then some other guy comes along, does not live in the situation and looks like a Knight that saves her and she gets sucked in. Not saying this is the case with your girl, is with mine though.
How can we win them back? When they are gone, are they really gone? As hard as it is, the pain can be so deep, so intense and the days can feel like weeks, It seems that when they are gone they are gone, how do we deal with it? They have dealt with it in their own way, and maybe moved on, how do we cope, deal with that? It's hard, especially after five years, but somehow we need to move on also, as hard as that heart wrenching process is we need to move on, but first, maybe send her a mail, about what you have learned about her that you did not understand before, what was missing, what was not right maybe, and let her know that as hard as it is, you respect her wishes and feelings to be where she is right now, but that your Love is there, and that you would do al you can to work at making it right, maybe even a relationship counselor if she agreed. Please understand, as I hae had had too these past weeks, that sometimes their hearts turn cold, they can shut us out more than we can, and if they do there are many and long standing issues that cause this, as guys we really don't and can't see or understand until after we get shaken up in the worst way. We can't change a persons feelings, but if they have anything left we can try to reach them as best we can, but also need to know when to set them free, as the expression goes, that is the hardest thing ever to do anywhere anytime as te deep cutting pain each day feels like an eternity. For myself, I own a business, have not been able to go in since this happened.
Anyways, not able to write well these days, just wanted to comment because it sounded close to my situation. Hope I did not make it worse, but we have to face reality, with the tears and cutting it does. Reach out to others, talk, cry, pray for help, strength, do all you can to keep active. Hope an wish you well.