For Astra

  • HI Astra,

    Glad to see you're back - missed ya!

    Did you take that road trip you talked about?

    What's been going on with you?

  • Hi Danceur!

    Nope, no road trip yet! But I would love to still... I dream about warm sunny beaches and palm trees... especially while shoveling snow off the sidewalks. Otherwise I am still in kind of a holding pattern I guess... my efforts to find work haven't amounted to anything yet, I try and then it just feels rather pointless and I just keep writing, or playing... been getting back into radio control toys haha... I keep wanting to get back to art as long as I can come up with something fun with it. Still doing some paper craft type things - a little.

    Yes... I have wondered about you also and how you are doing? Hope the dancing and everything is going well for you? New job maybe? I know your work was something you wanted to improve. My 18 yr old daughter has started taking ballet classes again...


  • Hey Astra!

    Glad to hear from you.. 🙂

    Radio control toys - you mean like cars and stuff? I never was good at that stuff (directionally challenged), though my brother was into them. And paper craft things - like origami?

    Are you into 3d art? I don't know the technical name for them, but they are awesome. Some sort of optical illusion.

    I guess I identify with your holding pattern - since I have been trying to find work too. There was a recent job offer that's kinda up in the air at the moment. Don't quite know anymore if they want me, since they're being rather aloof. And i'm not sure I'm reading them correctly.

    Glad to hear yr daughter's back in dance classes. I have started going back to dance, but slowly, since I'm still recovering from the injury. No one has been able to find the root cause and we're just treating symptoms. Then this week I went to pilates and it might have aggravated everything again or injured something else, so rather bummed out about that 😞

    I wonder if you might be inclined towards teaching? Like creative writing classes or something?

  • Radio control helicopters... like a big one, 4 foot + rotor span... expensive to crash too haha...

    Paper craft things like cards and little books and stuff.... rubber stamps...

    I have not tried to do any 3d art, but it is an interesting concept, I have tried to see some 3d images in some of my weird drawings at time however nothing "popped out"!

    Yeah, the holding pattern mode seems to be the thing lately... I keep trying to find something nothing has developed, I have about given up and will now focus on flying helicopters as long as I can beg borrow or steal money to buy them.

    Okay on you dancing and the injury you still contend with. I would like to see you over that, I will agree with you for complete healing on that!

    Your job situation, did you leave whatever place you were at? I thought you were working somewhere just not too thrilled with it?

    Teaching... maybe... I am in a fog... nothing is really clicking for me right now, very difficult to get motivated for anything - except RC helicopters! 🙂

    I could probably teach others how to crash em, however most people can do that already.

    My mom was a school teacher so I sorta grew up in that atmosphere. Teaching can be fun AS LONG as it is something that you are really passionate about. That is the thing for me the last few years, getting some passion back... maybe I need to find love first and THEN the passion will return and the other pieces fall into place. It could be that our lives never really click until we find our proper love relationship, until then we flounder and go nowhere. However I am not seeking anyone either, have pretty much given up on that... so I flounder! And dream of flying RC helicopters ...

  • Wow radio controlled helicopters - cool!

    Yeah I can't draw so I don't know the mechanics of it but I guess 3D paintings are a mixture of art and science, maybe math... that give it an illusion of depth. Very cool stuff. Argh I wish I could draw or paint....

    My job situation - well they terminated my contract at the anniversary of the 1st year (should have been a 2 year contract). Supposedly it's downsizing, but I guess I didn't fall in with the management because I stood up for myself a lot. So I've been trying to find a job, and I thought I did - was given an offer from another company, but I made an unsuccessful attempt to negotiate the salary and now they're behaving all non-committal and silent, dragging their heels about confirming any arrangement to hire me. Plus they're also on a new recruitment drive so I think they may changed their minds about me joining them. I don't want to appear desperate so I've tried not to badger them for answers but I really need the job at this point, so I may need to push them for some finality. Else, I really need something else to materialize like right now.

    It sounds to me Astra that you are heading somewhere - it's just that things feel disconnected at this point. Whether that means finding love or something else that triggers your passion that leads to greater things.... I think you will get there. Because you have so many talents, there are many avenues open for you. But sometimes we need a time out to think (or not to think) - perhaps that is what this time is for you. You're letting yourself just 'be' - which is the best thing we can do sometimes - instead of obsessing about what we're not getting or where we need/want to be. So I'd say go with the helicopters, as long as they make you happy 🙂

  • Yeah, well the heli's are fun, I just flew a little one outside in the freezing evening here. Snow on the ground. I think I like the planes and helicopters because the go up.. into the air, maybe that feels like a place I want to go... sort of a freedom about them maybe that I relate to.

    What makes me happy? A girlfriend would make me happy... something nice like that. Finding someone though, ah, that is the trick. I haven't given up on a companion completely... however I don't see the point in chasing anyone anymore. To tell you the truth, I think it is the women who chase the men, a man is not much really. sort of an empty vessel waiting to be filled by the right lady. So until that happens, a man really goes no where... he just waits... flys toys in the air and wonders where she is... she is the one in charge though.

    I think that she knows me pretty well... and she waits for the right time to show up. Maybe you ladies all know who your mate is, and all of this tarot talk about which guy... who is he? WHat does guy A think... guy B... all of it is funny, because I think each of you know perfectly well who your guy is. You can't let on though... that's not in the rules... so we all play... and the lady hovers around a man, like my helicopter hovers around me... angels... its all some kind of love game and I haven't quite figured out all the rules... not sure I want to. Until she appears I will try to have fun... look at little cards and try to be a nice guy (still working on that part haha).

    Okay, that is my weird love theories for the day... you are right, no use obsessing over anything, be at peace and let life develop in her own way.

    As for you and your job situation, I wish I had an answer for you there... it will work out for you, you will find a wonderful situation, in whatever area you long to be in. I don't know what kind of work you did/do... as long as it is something you love, you will always find a place. You never really talked about your job, like it was something you loved. You spoke of your dance, you love that. And a relationship... you talked about how you wished for something better!

    That is something I am slowly learning, is that every dream we possess will ultimately come to pass. Either our dream, or something even better. Life is absolute, exquisite mystery, and it is filled to overflowing with all of our dreams becoming reality. We see where we are at... and it doesn't look like that dream... that is the hard part. Trying to see past wherever we are at to where we long to be. That part I still have bad days with... I always longed to understand life, what is this place anyway, that promises so much, and then we are crying and in despair... I could never understand that. Has caused me a lot of soul searching... I have no answers. And yet perhaps not having a clue is what the secret is. Not knowing a thing... like a baby, doesn't really know... anything. Has to trust completely.

    We are all little children like that I think. Newborns, or becoming reborn. We once knew so much, we once trusted our minds, and what we could understand. Now we trust without knowledge and watch and wait for surprises... and love... and great jobs (that really fit us and we LONG to show up for every day... wouldn't that be a switch!)

    You will have something soon, that will be so much better than the last one!

    You are going to have love also. Something wonderful there. There is absolutely no way that someone as nice as you, who knows what love is, will be without her true companion.

  • Hey Astra,

    It’s interesting to hear your point of view about men and women. Truth is I guess there is just so much we don’t understand. And you’re right – we are moving into an age of a different consciousness, where we’re learning to trust in the unknown. Hope I’m paraphrasing you correctly.

    It’s not peaches and cream. I have bad days too. Maybe that’s why we are all here, to comfort and support each other through this process of evolution. Cos it can get pretty lonely and painful sometimes.

    Aw… I think you have someone special meant for you. And I pray that you find each other sooner rather than later. I don’t think a man is an empty vessel. Least of all someone like you. You give of yourself and help people all the time. You don’t have to do it, but you do. You give hope to others, even when you need all the hope you can get. I’d say that is love of a higher plane. And I can’t imagine anything more fitting, than for you to receive that same love and kindness.

    I don’t have answers, I don’t know who my mate is. I thought it was DG, and look where I ended up….still alone and trying to forget him. Someone once told me, there are those of us that aren’t meant to find a mate. That it would be an obstacle somehow to our life’s purpose. There are days that I wonder if I could be one of them… I hope not… But I also try not to think about it too much. Lest I give myself more grief over a situation that I’ve no control over.

    I seem to have some kind of bad karma with jobs and relationships, none of them last and I don’t really know why.

    Yeah I guess I never did mention anything about what I do…because I don’t really have a profession. I’ve been trying to find a trade that I could pick up – but I’ve got so many financial commitments that it’s been more about doing a job that could pay adequately. I want so much to have a job that I love and which also pays the bills. That’s why when I found dance, I thought…I wished that could be it. But I’ve kinda missed the boat with that. I started dancing too late, the body just cannot keep up with what my mind imagines I can do. I still know though that I’m meant to dance. Even if not as a career.

    Somehow, everything that I think I want to do involves physicality – which is a struggle for this injury-prone vessel. So one of my goals this year is to work with a sports rehab trainer to improve my fitness. I can’t afford this right now… without a job. I hope the right one is right around the corner. So I will just tell myself to hang in there. And you too, Astra. For all the trials that you face… may today be a good day for you. Hang in there!

  • Hi Danceur

    Okay on all that you said... whatever you have experienced has been for a reason. It is all going exactly as it should. It is leading up to something very beautiful for you.... we never really see the "whole" picture, you know? We can only trust... that what ever happens, happened, will happen, is serving a lovely purpose (although it can be something extremely painful to us personally at any given moment - that has been very hard for me to grasp, however it is the way it is and I am thrilled to have a part in life! Trying to smile all of the time....... 😉

    So, looking at some cards for you... looks really nice to me, I think something is developing for you in work,

    6 of Pentacles - sharing, income, maybe not a lot, however it is something and it is something you love to do (the Sun)

    Then Temperance - so you are blending with someone else I think... a shared work I believe.... then the Judgement/Resurrection card, this develops into your new work I think... then the 6 of WANDS so that is super positive and successful for you... nice, nice things coming your way Danceur... I always think of you as someone who, of anyone.... should expect beautiful turnarounds in your life... you sure deserve it.

    Queen of Cups - all is leading up to you being very happy IN LOVE.

    and a 5 of cups, so it could be a love that is different...

    Universe and the King of Wands... there is your man... the King of Wands whoever that is. The Universe's choice for you.

    They are choosing our mates.... the angels... the Universe.

    Gives them something to do. 🙂

  • Haha, gives them something to do 😛

    Astra, seems like they will have plenty to do, where I'm concerned. Ooh, 5 of cups - isn't that a card that signifies disappointment etc. Oh but you are a romantic and you see the positive in everything 🙂 I need to have that kind of positivity!

    I am still curious about relationship matters - although it is not a 'priority' anymore, seeing as job and financial concerns are tipping the scales. I can't expect to meet anyone, if well, I'm alone and home a lot nowadays. So I guess I really have to leave that up to the Universe to find the right guy and drop him at my My last choice - DG - didn't work out, even my effort at reconciling ties with him didn't work out. I know now I was being naive. it's too awkward for us to be friends, seeing as the last time we were together, we were ahem together.. So now I just go to his class, that's all.

    I think sometimes there are things in our life or subconscious that are unresolved, leading to a whole string of 'unlucky' events. They are not truly unlucky, for they are meant to be that way for some reason, that we can't see at the moment. I think I'm blessed, in that because of the upheaval and issues I've faced in the last few years especially, I've had a chance to learn more about life and myself. It means a life that is more enlightened. But I just wish I had more luck in life too, in the material and physical plane. Sometimes I do want to be like everyone else, and have what they have - job, financial security, love relationship, future.

    I realise that I have a propensity to make mistakes that end up as future road blocks, and I hope that this year is the start of me moving those blocks and hopefully making better decisions. Would sure be nice to have a great job soon. Fingers crossed.

    What's on your mind Astra? If you don't mind me asking...

    I'm not sure if I asked you this before, but what would be your ideal job, or ideal job scenario (you strike me as someone who would want to do more than 1 job concurrently). And is it your birthday soon..gosh I have a feeling I should be sending belated greetings...

  • Hi Danceur,

    5 of Cups, I have sorta settled in my mind that 5's are simply 5's. Can be changes, they are midway. I don't see them as anything problematic, other than "changes" in life can sometimes go either way. I like to see the 5 cups as a positive sign of change for the better - or I try to do that!

    Okay on your relationship questions and pondering all that, and the sense of "unluckiness". I can relate to all that you said. I have felt for some time now, that my life feels very scripted in a way... I look back on choices I made and think "OMG why would I do that?", it led to this domino falling over, and then the next, and then... it is like, life sometimes feels very scripted out like a movie, and you get to a place where you are just "watching" it all, and give up trying to figure it out! I wish I could locate the scriptwriter, I have some questions. Maybe God, or a team of angel writers.... sometimes I wonder what they are smoking up there haha....

    The "mistakes" you mention I still believe are there for a reason, and just like you say, we may not see why they are needed. Plus, when you think about it, we are affecting one another's lives, and it could be that what we have to experience is somehow needed to cause some other influence on someone else, that they need... it gets complicated that way though! Over my head...

    What's on my mind? Oh gosh... I dunno.. I seem to be trying to forget more than think about things... my mind has not exactly always been my best friend, I can be a real swords type... so for me getting to place in life where I can just relax and enjoy life as it is, without a lot of big deal goals and all that... something simpler. I seem to be re-grounding myself in some little hobbies and such. Have acquired a little RC helicopter - that used to be a hobby of mine. So just simple things like that again. I was getting interested in motorcycles too, I used to have one when I was young... so it is like, after relationships don't exactly turn out, and you get worn out trying to figure it out, and figure others out, and figure yourself out... you just say, well what the heck, what can I do that's FUN for ME and forget the rest. That seems to be my mode lately. I read too... sci fi, anything ufo related, the stranger the better.

    I haven't given up on a nice relationship, friendships, its just that ,that area hasn't exactly worked out for me (for whatever reason) and I am worn out expecting anything there anymore. Or focusing too much energy on it. If it happens it happens, I am not banking on anything anymore. It's actually a nice place to be as you can just sorta relax... it does seem odd though. To go through life and here is this incredible "potential" of two people becoming joined together, to create a lovely life together. Enjoying everything together, true love, soul mates... and then to have one obstacle, one setback, one frustration after another to thwart that from happening... it becomes very frustrating, and finally you conclude, "I am clueless"... maybe it is all an illusion, some sort of Hollywood idea we once had about love... not real though. I honestly don't know. I have a lot more faith for others to find companions.

    Yeah, I just had a birthday, yee ha! 58. And I still feel like I am stuck in high school, trying to figure out what to do with my life. It is weird.

    Ideal job? I do enjoy providing Tarot readings for some reason... I think because they always seem to provoke questions, and I always liked to ask questions in life. The Tarot will keep you busy all day long with questions hahaha.... I do find when I am looking at cards and writing about them, the time passes quickly and I don't struggle at all with it. So were someone to approach me and say "hey we would like to hire you to give Tarot readings, are you interested?" I would say h3ll yeah!

    Other than that, I have explored scriptwriting... dialogue writing. That is fun, and the Tarot readings are sorta scripts. Honestly I think scriptwriting for a high quality porn movie company would be a hoot :). Or science fiction films, that might be easier to work on and tell people what you do for a living. I am still searching... haven't given up totally on art, I do like creating crafty things with paper, binding... you are right I tend to dabble in several things at once. Which doesn't always lead to success, people who are successful generally hone in one one thing and focus on that. I never could seem to find the "one" thing that rang my bell totally. I loved painting outside when I was doing it, however it was a nightmare trying to see that translate into income.

    What about you Danceur? If you could create your own perfect job, what would that be? What really is so rewarding for you, and you lose the sense of time passing? Something Immersive....

    blessings, astra

  • Hi Astra

    Happy belated birthday! Hope you had a good one. Not weird at all to be still trying to figure things out. It's akin to angst if you will, from having woken up from the slumber of an ‘unknowing’ into a ‘knowing’ existence.

    Well definitely – getting to a quiet place in your mind is just as important as pondering the whys.

    In fact, I think most of us don’t have enough quiet time nowadays. So preoccupied with technology and gadgets and work and the pace of lie, that when we are actually confronted with quiet and having to slow down – we become extremely restless. That has been my experience anyway.

    Regrounding to a simpler way of life is good. Time is still ripe for you go get your bike and go on that road trip 🙂 Doing what’s fun is way better than sinking into despair, which at some point, we all do I guess – because it is exhausting to try to understand the plan.

    Isn’t it funny – when you want something a lot and you focus too much energy – as you say – it can have the opposite effect of repelling it. I’m the same way – I have faith in others finding companions than for me finding one of my own. But I do want one too – I just really don’t know how to make that happen. I guess I don’t fit your analogy of the woman being the knowing one who does the chasing 😛 Cos I’m doing it all wrong it seems. Chasing the wrong guys and chasing no one at all and wanting to be with someone and being scared to, all at once.

    Astra – how about acting? Have you ever done any? You’re just so full of character that I can’t help wondering if you’d enjoy it. Perhaps a columnist, in tarot readings or otherwise – you have great writing skills and are really witty, so I bet you’d have your own fan community (as you do here) 🙂

    Actually, there are successful people who dabble in several things at once. Don’t ask me – I can’t name them. I just feel that you could be kind of a genius, blessed with many talents, and just larger than the life around you – which I imagine is very frustrating for you. You want to do a lot – everything if possible – and why shouldn’t you? No reason you can’t.

    To find something you love enjoy which you don’t struggle with – wow, that’s what I want.

    When I was younger, I loved the idea of working in musical theatre – singing dancing acting, spending days in rehearsals and working out and performing. That’s pretty immersive. Unfortunately, that’s all in my head and in reality, I am still this shy wallflower who has stage fright. And musical theatre just isn’t something that’s developed in my community.

    I haven’t found that one thing that I would love and that would pay well enough. In my mind, my ideal job would have to encompass some physicality as well as an innate space for me to dream and become. That is how I know I’m not in the right kind of jobs – I just do, I’m not inspired.

    Dance is the closest thing at the moment – but I’m not ‘there’ yet, I do struggle. I struggle against my body and my mind. Probably writing… I’m not excellent at it the way you are – but I don’t struggle with it. I realise that written communication is the part that I enjoy most – in those uninspired jobs that I find myself in. But the writing I do seems geared more towards communicating and clarifying, rather than selling.. So I probably wouldn’t enjoy stuff in PR or advertising. Nor would I fit in in that culture...

    Somehow I think that further down the path, in a couple of years – I might try juggling different jobs – out of my usual box - just so I can develop these other areas of myself. Let’s see – by day, some kind of customer service job that involved writing/email correspondence. And at night and weekends, part-time instructor in swimming, dance or taking care of cats haha.

  • Danceur

    You are actually a very good writer... I enjoy reading what you share, and it does seem to come easily to you. Flows. You write enough, you simply ARE a writer, regardless of how good it is... for example... I could write the same word over and over...

    tree tree tree tree tree tree tree tree tree tree tree tree tree tree tree tree tree tree tree tree tree tree tree tree tree tree tree

    There... that is writing :). Now, is is "good"? I dunno. Could be good I guess. Could be lousy. Someone else can decide! So that is a secret of our creativity I think. Stepping into a role that we love, a path that is fun and creative and immersive as you mentioned. Immersiveness is a strong clue we are in our element. When I write... like I am doing now... I do lose track of time. I am not a great typist though, so it is little clumsy to use a typewriter. So I like to write in pencil too... however it is hard to shove a piece of paper through the internet to you haha....

    Dance is your thing... maybe write a novel about a dancer who discovers an extraterrestrial dance studio, and when she practices there. She notices that the rules of life are suspended. People float... ESP... faster than light travel to get you to the better venues on other star systems...

    Acting, that is interesting... you like to act? Maybe we are always acting... that sorta ties back to that sense of life being "scripted"... lights camera action... my view tends to be that we have "guides" or angels or whatever you want to call them, that watch over our lives, and see everything... know us pretty well... and THEY decide what would be best at, and maybe that just takes time to discover. Although I have wondered that my angels are off doing other things... i simply don't know. Life fragments... whatever role we thought was "it" collapses, and leaves us walking through the wreckage, smoke fills the air (aftermath of the Tower I guess)... and it is like, OMG well that was interesting... plod along in life as best as you can and THIS is the result! Okay... whatever... so it can take some time before you get up the nerve to even dare start a new project.

    I really am not interested in building more towers in my life. Yet another scenario, path, role, purpose that will build and build and build... and then one day... LOOK OUT BELOW she's falling apart! So there is this "gray zone" between life roles... where you really can't do ANYTHING... I think you and I are in a place like that... after the shock of some cherished life path, partner, relationship, purpose... goes up in smoke... you have no choice except to wander like a ghost through the landscape. Trying to maintain composure while dealing with some "questions" about the plan and all that. So we keep trying... trying to get a job... or finding a relationship... or discovering why we are here... while waiting for pieces to fall into place.

    I think a lot of us are in that place. It could be a transition to an "alternate reality" (I love to think about things like that). Where the rules go away, and love simply works... without all of the nonsense that used to come along for the ride. We fell in love... and then the next thing you know there is a lamp sailing through the air heading for us... and words not so nice... yeah, love... uh huh... whatever...

    This is the reason for the whole UFO phenomena, which you probably aren't into, and yet it is an undeniable part of our culture (I kinda like it I think its fun). Too many people are giving up on whatever this life was "supposed" to be.... so we dream of new realms to escape into... visitors from the stars to bring us true love! It is a psychic "creative" phenomena that is born from the hearts of a lot of folks yearning to leave the old paradigms, and enter the new. I would love to enter anything new. Matter of fact I would love to see anything that is a CHANGE haha.... anything really... surprises... I used to see surprises in life. This place seems like a "Surprise Free Zone" for some reason.

    So all of that is "angst" writing I guess... back to the immersive creative things we do that we enjoy... that is the fun part... I wonder... that maybe we do these things so unconsciously, like breathing. And we aren't even aware of how creative it is, and how perfectly it is for us. So, we don't even notice it, and then we are banging our head against a wall trying to find that "thing" that we can really do that we love - and can bring us financial ble$$ings! Meanwhile... we are already doing it, we simply can't see it! Sort of like being too close to a problem to see the answer, or not seeing the forest

    for the trees.


  • Hey Astra,

    You’re funny!

    Actually I do find writing immersive in the sense that I lose track of time. I never realised it until you brought up that concept. Like you said, being too close to the problem to see the answer.

    I do remember when I was in school, having to do reports and all, the paragraphs would write themselves in my head, as it were, and I’d just type and type… One of my teachers encouraged me to go further with writing, but I think there was an element of self-doubt because I can only write what I feel, when I want to. I also cannot write narrative or do scripts/screenwriting. It just comes out very contrived.

    Felt that I could not pull it off, if writing were my job (eg in journalism). But maybe I was too hasty in totally writing it off. Perhaps it might work if it were part of my job…

    No I don’t like to act. I’m a wallflower… I meant you 🙂 Because you’re so animated. Not in the sense of doing acting to build new towers in your life – I am starting to understand that that’s not what you want – but just to explore and have fun.

    Ghost through the landscape – I like that analogy and I relate. Perhaps it is inevitable that once we start questioning life, we start wondering about life beyond life… dimensions, spaces, planes. Maybe on a slightly less pessimistic note, I think because it’s too much to believe that whatever we are living in and with – is as good as it gets. Perhaps we are hardwired to be intrigued by anything that requires suspension of belief – magic, illusions, fairytales, movies, aliens, UFOs, vampires, Bigfoot… Nobody has found exacting proof of the existence of the Loch Ness monster – yet many still believe it exists. Not sure you’re into that kind of stuff. I am, or I used to be. It’s fascinating to imagine that there is still so much we don’t know about the world and our existence.

    You know that saying – I think, therefore I am? I think we start dying on the inside, if we stop believing there is more out there. Although what MORE is, remains to be seen. Have you seen The Matrix? It’s kinda like we are grappling with the concept of stripping away the walls that box us in, which is at once both liberating and terrifying. So there are some who will choose to remain with what they know and can see and there are those of us who, in varying degrees, ponder the intangible – anybody’s guess which side is closer to delusion 😛

  • Danceur,

    I love the Matrix movies I thought they were so cool.... I am a nut for anything sci fi and that stretches your mind... movies are so amazing, I think if I had it to do over I should have just gone into movies some how. Movies keep you part of a group, art and personal writing becomes more solitary, I think it is all good... some of us are on a more isolated path for some reason, which is totally me... that sense sometimes of not really fitting in? That is me... my whole life, I watched... observed... and yet observing keeps you outside, like a scientist almost... just slowly taking notes of the world, how it behaves, what makes people tick. Not that I am any closer to having any answers to all that.

    I do like your writing - a lot. It does seem to flow easily for you... it is funny about the tarot, how we ask for "readings", when really, we are asking for "writings" it seems. Words, we all love words. The simple act of stringing words together in certain ways, and next thing you know, we are conveying something about love, or life, or heartache, or extra-terretrials! Anything! Words are beautiful little creatures... so many of our questions about one another, relationship issues, what have you, could be addressed so easily if we just took the time to write one another.

    I think that is the great pain about relationship breakups, like your situation, and we all have stories of some "situation"... that we know somehow deep within, that it isn't the breakup or ending itself that is the painful part. The really painful part is that we stopped talking, Shut the door on our heart. Refuse to talk until we reached a conclusion. That we can all understand. But not communicating, is like, not breathing. It is a life force that we should always honor.

    Have you seen the movie "The Village" with William Hurt? It's an M. Night Shyamalan film about this remote village started in the middle of nowhere, and they have their own rules and ways of life that everyone honors. Very much like an Amish or Quaker community I suppose. In such a community, they have "elders" who are overseers of the health and welfare of the community. The movie shows how connected all of the people were. They worked and lived with each other and all shared a sense of family with one another. Very beautiful.

    The thing I loved about that movie was how the Elders were always deeply involved with the personal lives of the people. Issues could be brought before them and lovingly dealt with. The people trusted them and knew that whatever decision was for the best.

    I think that seems to be such a need today. Our world today (at least here in the west I suppose) seems to be somewhat cut off from that idea... so when things go "wrong" for us on a personal basis, in relationship situations (that can be devastating in consequence emotionally, which eventually ripples out into the fabric of our communities), we have no where to turn! We must each bear it alone, whatever pain it is. That should not be. There are too many "escape holes" in life these days... someone hurts another and can just run away and hide and nothing can be done about it. That is what makes us hurt deeply I think, we know that we are supposed to remain communicating, no matter what. It is not the endings of relationships, or love, or marriages even, that are so painful. It is the way they happen... the non-communicating and isolating ourselves from one another. That is the great pain, and must break the heart of angels.

    We all have the capacity to handle the truth. If you have a relationship and you talk it out and the conclusion is we must part paths, then we may go home and cry, but you know, we will heal SO MUCH faster that way, than when we are faced with isolation, and the pain of endings of words. For words can heal even when they declare an end. At least we know where we stand. This not knowing where we stand, sends us into limbo... and the world begins to not make as much sense... and then we drift off... like ghosts... between the other actors, and between the props. We become earth angels maybe... something different anyway!

    The strange thing though, is that every situation turns into something positive. No matter what happened "back there" it will yield a beautiful reward, or gift, or growth into something fantastic in our lives inevitably. I have seen heaven I know... because of the blessed painful experiences of the past. I have seen angels, and the skies of vast depths of space... I have seen so much Danceur, sometimes... I don't really think I am "here" anymore... it is hard to explain. I do know that every experience - which at the time was excruciatingly painful - ended up carrying me forward into something else that I never would have stumbled across. So how can we fault anyone who hurts us! We should be thanking them, blessing them, for they are instruments of our own deliverance.

    Okay... you see how I sail off there... I am a real space cadet... and I love those realms where nothing is as it seems. Just like the matrix... the whole of life is a dream. One lovely, lovely dream.

    I think... if we just chase our hearts and follow those things that delight us so. That are so immersive, and stop wondering about jobs and careers, and "how will I pay for everything!"... instead, we just sink into whatever activity that has some giant magnet in it that we feel... and we just forget about everything, and sink into that place, that labor of love, or whatever it is... then... we shall find our way open before us, then we would find jobs and careers dropping into our laps without the slightest thought...

    You do write so well... you could write anything... and anything can be a subject, for a book, a mystery, a story. I think you are in fact already busy at your life's labor of love! I do not know what exactly... you already are though. I do like that idea... that we are sometimes looking for what we already have... and searching for things, for purpose, for love... and all the while we always had it, and were already doing it. I love that idea!

    Okay Danceur, nice to hear form you, you have a nice week! Hope its warmer where you are!

    Keep writing... 🙂


  • Hi Astra!

    It’s been cold here too, raining hard everyday…My first week at my temp job. Argh…. Don’t think I fit in, to the work or the environment or people.

    But then that is the story of my life really. I too have felt like I don’t fit in, that I’ve been on an isolated path. Along the way, I have met quite a few similar souls, each on their own journey. It is a curious phenomenon that you pointed out - that though we are ambling along an inward trail, we are ‘external’ at the same, as we watch others. Perhaps there are those, like you Astra, who have been chosen to observe, to make sense of the complexities of the world and help the rest of us catch up? You could really be an angel for all we know!

    I loved everything you wrote – you are so absolutely right! It is true that what many of us are craving for is communication – words, exchange, discourse, etc. And that is personally true for me. Yeah you know my story well. And I do agree, if DG had had some sense to communicate with me 1.5 years ago, he would have hurt me far less. All this avoidance and silence left me floundering, trying to draw my own conclusions and make sense of the myriad of thoughts and feelings I had…. That no longer had any place to go….but to this forum here, where many also suffer their own personal tragedies alone. I could have gone mad with grief I think, keeping up appearances, pretending that I was ok, when I was hurting. Knowing that no one would ever know he hurt me.

    In some kind of tragic irony, a lot of us have become disconnected in this increasingly connected world. We think we can control how much or how little we want to communicate, and technology and social media have certainly given us an illusion of control. Yet, when we really need to and want to communicate, we often find ourselves alone. Lonelier than ever, perhaps.

    I have seen The Village. Creepy and thrilling! I have to say that I don’t actually like the communal living that the film embodies, but I know where you’re coming from. This having to suffer alone in times of hardship has overtaken the sense of family and community that used to be normal for our society. We are becoming increasingly segregated and insular. It is funny how our ancestors fought to unite our world, and somehow, without much effort, we are still moving along the path of separation.

    Out of the necessity of having to move on, I have hibernated the DG box of memories… but every now and then, there is some defrosting (bad analogy :P) and I remember… There is no resolution. It is some part of my life where I stopped breathing, as you said, and I put the pieces away in storage, because DG is holding the key to the communication. And I can’t put my life on hold… but in a sense, I can’t really move on either. I can only do as much as I’m able to – which is where I’m at right now.

    I hate to admit it Astra, but I still have feelings for him. On and off, he’ll say bye to me after class if I happen to be the last one there. I welcome that, but it also makes me remember just how much I miss him and miss communicating with him. I still do wonder if he thinks of me, if he remembers what we had. No one knows just how close we’d been, because we look like strangers. I doubt he knows just how much he’s hurt me by freezing me out and alienating me – even though he’s chosen to act this way.

    I try not to linger too much on these feelings anymore because there is no point making myself sad. He holds the answers and he’s not sharing. So I try to keep alive the love and positivity that still exist within me, in spite of everything.

    I do believe you are right about others acting as a conduit through which we receive some sort of deliverance. Were it not for the tragedies in our life, there would be no impetus for soul-searching.

    Even when things are tough – as they are now – there are things in life that are good. We just have to remember to pause ever so often from our long suffering alter-egos 😛

  • Hi Danceur

    Well that is good on the temp job at least that is work... maybe I should look into something like that. My job seeking efforts have run out of so much steam and I am not sure where that is heading. Will I still end up getting a job somewhere? I keep seeing "work" pentacles cards showing up when I read for myself, 3 and 8 pentacles... so I am always asking, okay... what is that? However nothing yet although some modest income from readings which I am very grateful for.

    You do sounds like one who is very much an observer type also... you experience life, as events... like a drama... and that can be very nice, or sometimes painful... and then you go to work processing out whatever it is you experienced. I think a lot of that "decoding" of life events, twists and turns is happening at a deep level, maybe subconsciously... I have even speculated at times (you'll like this) that we are always communicating with one another in "hidden" languages, and arrive at agreements that are occurring beyond our conscious awareness. So, we may be saying to someone "please hurt me in this way" and there is some sort of arrangement to do just that... like we "want" to be hurt in order to feel what that feels like. I know that sounds weird, but the way we are made seems to be driven a lot by a desire for "experience" - good or bad! But we must experience life to be really alive... so who knows... in my own life I wonder that my botched relationships with women occurred because i wanted them to become botched... and the lady just plays along... in my drama... doesn't that sounds weird? I probably need a psychotherapist haha...

    Anyway, communication... yep. That is the big one to me. Physical closeness should be a result of that closeness, if we can't communicate then I don't think there is really a relationship - at all. We may call it that... we can even be "married"... and yet if there is not real communication and dialogue and openess and transparency... then we aren't really in a relationship, we are alone still. I wonder that this is a part of our learning process... that we "test" talk with one another to see what can be discussed before the shield go up. You can tell when that happens... in a relationship that is the most debilitating feeling, when your partner just freezes you out as if to say, "you are not welcome in this room!" ... ugh.... that is not a 'real' relationship, that is renting selected rooms from one another. Those are "hotel" relationships.

    The village, I only mentioned it because that seemed to show the "resources" of the community being there to assist in relationships and interpersonal issues... today like you say, we have lost a lot of that ... we have churches and shrinks.. I guess those are our resources... or tarot forums haha.

    That has to be difficult... the "bye" from him... it is so strange how we close off from dialog... it would be the easiest thing in the world to ask "hey, can we talk? ... and find some place to relax and just... talk... " We do have this amazing appliance called a mouth and vocal cords and a brain... why are we so afraid to use it? So strange... what is the risk? What are we so afraid of? We are all one family really... I don't get it... brothers and sisters...

    Somehow... all of this is working for you Danceur. I don't know how exactly, however I know one thing... whoever you eventually have a relationship with, there will NOT be communication issues ! 🙂 You will ferret that one out quick enough... which is probably what a lot of us are up to now... developing the skill to identify... who can communicate... and who is more interested in a wall building program.

    Hope your Sunday is nice... gray here and very quiet... I am in a new place, this is an apartment so that has been an interesting change of pace... last place was a house....

    Blessings to you!

  • Hi Astra,

    Yeah the way the economy is – sometimes it helps to get a temp job to just get back onto our feet while we figure things out. It is far from my dream job – I think I’m a little depressed in fact….

    Perhaps your ‘work cards’ are pointing to the help you’re giving us on this forum – it takes effort to do that. Might it suit you to teach, Astra? Maybe something part-time/freelance – then you can have lots of time to do all the other stuff you are into, like tarot and writing, and RC helicopters 🙂

    Your speculation is actually closer to fact. It has been said that yes – we do ‘tell’ people how to treat us, by the way we treat them, or how we behave or how we respond to them or what they do. It’s a very intricate mix of verbal and non-verbal communication.

    The only thing that differs is your explanation that we actually want to have those ‘negative’ experiences, in order to know what it feels like. Hmmm, I don’t know… perhaps on a subconscious level – that could be true. But one might also argue that it could be more closely related to unresolved issues rather than a desire to learn and experience. As in, the ‘problematic traits’ in the person one chooses to be with often mirrors the same problems we ourselves have, especially if there is a similar pattern in previous partners.

    For me, I had a series of exes who after the initial heady phase, decided they were not into me. If I want to psychoanalyze, I’d say it could be because I am still figuring out who I am, and so I attract people who are either as incomplete, or who picture a different image of me in their minds (because my own image of myself is a work in progress).

    Astra, you mentioned a while back that you were interested to go back to school. Is that still on the cards for you, or on hold, or you decided against it? I remember thinking that you’d make a great psychologist. Plus you have a unique perspective because of tarot and your interest in the metaphysical.

    It’s true what you said about communication. In the wrong hands or in an unfortunate scenario, it can be a weapon. I guess there are those of us who are less afraid to talk, because knowing the truth is more important than being vulnerable.. and it actually gives us closure. And there are people like DG for whom communication does the opposite (at least in their minds).

    Him saying bye to me, now and again, is more than he has spoken to me since I reached out to him last May and ‘confessed’. Yes it is difficult. I don’t know if this is the beginning of baby steps for things to get slightly less estranged between us. It’s too much to have hope anymore. It’s sad isn’t it, that saying bye is a normal everyday thing he would say to any acquaintance, and yet for me – someone he let it much closer at one point - he does it so rarely. He hardly even looks me in the eye (I have that problem too). And it’s more normal to him to treat me like thin air. Just as it feels easier (and safer) for me to feel that we will never have more than we have now (which is nothing).

    Haha, wall building program! You know I sure hope so – that I will be able to spot that. Because DG started out being very communicative. So I didn’t know that in the end, I’d end up feeling stonewalled. But to be fair, it is part of his personality. It’s just I never internalized or interpreted the red flags properly. And I never expected to end up on the receiving end, because things were so good between us. I think this has been an exercise in me learning to get in touch with my own feelings, and learning to communicate as well. It’s not just DG. In an earlier phase of my life, I was probably as uncommunicative…

    Astra, could I trouble you to do a reading? I don’t know what exactly I’m asking about. I don’t know where I’m headed. I feel a bit down about the job. I feel alone there…I don’t fit in…and I can’t be me. And there’s nothing else going on in my life, no opportunities, no people of interest, no nothing. I’m not unhappy, but I’m not happy. A feeling of stagnation perhaps.

  • Hi Danceur

    Okay on your temp work... and the feelings about that... "not fitting in" feelings... I am sure that gig is something to just get you through a phase. It does sound like you would rather be doing other things, other types of work. You should consider advertising copywriting... you are a good writer and with all of our emotional work we do with these relationship issues... and pondering why we (and others) act the way we do, you are really getting an in-depth education in psychology, which they pay people to channel into advertising. Just a thought... I still don't know exactly what it is you are perfectly suited for. We could open that out in tarot if you ever wanted to...

    As for "my" work, I am still in a kind of holding pattern. I am trying to stay focused on my own creative projects, I am working on a little book that is going well. Trying to make is something that can be bound by hand for fun... I do like to write I just haven't had much luck getting things from the "created" manuscript phases to the published and on the bookshelves phase. Actually I don't care about all that... I think most of my efforts are mostly self-exploration... art was like that... so I am happy to keep it as a private thing mostly although it sure would be nice to share and see some connection with others over it all... oh well... maybe in time...

    School for me is also in a hold... not getting anything sure fire on that deal, and I am tired of trying trying trying things only to get beat back and blocked, and more roadblocks... ENOUGH! So I am trying a new approach and that is to DO NOTHING except watch old movies and read sci fi and communicate with extraterrestrials and do tarot readings for free and the rest of life can KISS OFF as far as I am concerned. I don't need much $$ so my needs are met in other ways so I couldn't care less about getting back to a "real" job... hey, that door opens, fine... until then forget it.

    Let me know if you need any clarification on that haha...

    Maybe I will get back to art... maybe not... maybe I will figure out how to make some dough at tarot reading... maybe not... I don't care and I ain't gonna lose any freaking sleep over it anymore. 🙂

    And all that you are sharing about DG and the communication breakdowns... I think a lot of people are just scared to talk for real anymore... we hide behind our "roles" and if you start asking questions that my "role" doesn't have a script for, then I can't reply. Did you ever see the movie existenz? It touches on that whole role-playing thing we all do. I like to shake things up and provoke people to open up, and get real... but I have found it is rare to find anyone that can do that without getting emotional or defensive... I don't know what we are afraid of. DG could have simply talked it all out with you and you two could have kept going on any level without the weird "no talk" thing... but it takes two to tango... and we can't "make" anyone talk.

    Okay a reading for you... sure thing!

    I did a celtic cross just sorta general reading to see where you are at and where things seem to be going for you and it looks really good to me! I will share...

    1. (You are the Queen of Cups in this reading so that is the first card)

    2. Situation - Ace of Swords, crossed by (3) 8 of swords.

    So that is all intellectual, thinking, your situation is very much trying to come up with a "new idea" about something and it tends to want to compel you to really really think about it intensely.

    1. Above - 9 Cup

    2. Below - Knight Swords

    3. Left - 9 Pentacles

    4. Right - King Swords

    So you have a lot of swords energy around you, below and right are male court cards so that could be picking up on you still contending with DG in some ways... still working through the setting, why and what of all that... interesting.... and the 9 Cups above still seems to show a deep, sincere love interest of your mind. I tell you what I think you still are really hooked on this guy danceur, or at least on the "love energies" you felt/feel with him.

    So, you have 2 paths open to you, and this is what the reading is showing you. From the place of the Ace swords (where you are now) you can go to the

    Right - which is channel more thinking energies to DG as the King of Swords


    Left - which is fulfilling material or physical setting, home, environment energies focused on YOU.

    So those are your options that the tarot is showing you I believe.

    Now, we can look at the cards up the side to gain the wisdom to know what path to take that is best for you.

    1. Future environment - Chariot. So this is all wands and ace cup. Chariot is a field, a domain, a fenced in area and I think this is a fenced off area around your physical life. This is also showing some sort of "rapid changes" taking place in this "best" path for you...

    2. Outer influences - Emperor - I believe the Emperor to represent the highest will of the Universe looking out for you and exerting "restraint" over the path you don't want to take, to hep make it easier for you to go the way of the 9 Pentacles which I think is where you want to go. The Emperor could be sorta like "God" or something, watching over your life and ultimately calling the shots. It could be that higher will for your life means that you and DG are not going to the prom if you know what I mean.

    3. Hopes and fears - The SUN - this is where you really live, and what you are longing for, and says much a same story as the 9 Cups you like to think about... Sun is a NEW start in a NEW setting with a NEW love I believe (We see an Ace of cups in both the Chariot card and this card)...


    1. Outcome - THE LOVERS - with all that has preceded it seems to be leading me to conclude two things.

    2. You have a new love coming into you life that will be more SUN like (ie open sky communication policy!) and that takes you to Lovers land again, only it is something you can believe in instead of be bleeding in.

    3. To get there, your path needs to move away from thoughts (swords) of the past, and more on the fulfilling physical of the present. So ANYTHING you can do to keep feeling nice in your personal life, materially, treating YOU to nice settings and doing nice things for yourself that you like is important. I would ponder what a 9 Pentacles means for you... along with these cards...

    Chariot... Sun and Lovers. Those energies are all combining to bring you a love life you can trust and actually works rather than something you have to spend time trying to understand and patch up. That seems to be where the Universe is trying to take you... away from the memories that are swords and swirl around this and that... and toward YOU and the HOME/SECURITY and PERSONAL happiness you love for you. So whatever that is seems to be the thing. Whatever it is that makes you happy by yourself. brings pleasure... focus on that and delight in being happy alone... and then in the right time and setting I believe you will have someone new entering (Lovers).

    I think that is what the reading is trying to tell you. Notice I am not telling you nothing can happen with DG... but to get to Sun and Lovers land again, I think you have to focus mostly on you alone right now. How does that sound? Let me know what you think...

    Okay Danceur! THanks for all of your thoughts on my own path and career and all... I am in a weird place in my life and honestly I am getting to where I kinda like it that way! 🙂

    You are reading cards too aren't you? Would you be willing to do a reading on me sometime?

    Blessings and much happiness to you!


    P.S. I tried making an animated GIF of your reading lets see if it comes through!

  • Sorry Astra,

    I hope I have not annoyed you with continually suggesting things you could try.

    Because you are so talented and I sense some restlessness (not unlike myself) I keep trying to imagine what else you could work on that could make you happy too. It's nice that we can do that for one another on these boards. Cos sometimes things are clearer as an observer (although this can be skewed because we do not know the issues/trials in another's daily life).

    I'm a late bloomer of sorts, still trying to 'find myself'. So for me, trying new stuff is ok even if it doesn't lead anywhere in the end. But you already know who you are and you’re doing what you want to be doing - for now anyway (Tell me more about this book you're working on :))

    You're perfectly ok being in the holding pattern - I wish that was me, haha. No matter how much I've struggled, I've probably not paid my dues in life, so to speak. So although I want to take things slow, I feel pressure to get everything in order. Although, life has other plans, and I'm in some other holding pattern (of the stagnation and freaking out variety) 😛

    No I haven’t seen the movie, but I should go check it out. Is it a David Croenenberg film? I would say that life has conditioned us to play roles. It is too uncomfortable for most people to function outside of that. If the film reel ends, does life begin or cease? Reel or real life. And all that jazz 🙂

    Thanks for the vote of confidence. I’m afraid no one else will give me a chance. I have tried to apply for positions in copywriting and PR, but without experience, it’s a lost cause. I do hope something else will turn up soon. I'm losing my mind at this temp job and I would definitely be up to exploring what tarot would say I should do with my life…lol!

    Astra, thanks so much for the reading...and the animation. Cool! The way you’ve interpreted it makes sense, except I do wonder if the king and knight of swords refer to anyone in my workplace, rather than DG. I see The Emperor as the establishment/organization, because authority is something I struggle with, and have no control over.

    You are right - I do still have real feelings for DG, and I wish I didn’t. I’m moving forward but some part of me still reminisces. It’s just the duality that is the Scorpio in me I guess. You told me once that Cappies don’t give up easily, neither do Scorpios. Letting go is like pulling teeth. But I also now believe that letting go allows emotional freedom into one’s life. I’m getting there but slowly.

    I believe you are right – I have to keep on the path of focusing on myself in order to get to where I’m supposed to go. I know you’re far too kind to tell me that DG and I are done, no going back. And although I do still fantasize, there’s some part of me that knows he is ‘That Guy’ – the one who got away. That’s someone you never get back – someone who was there for a reason and a season. Perhaps if he weren’t still in my environment, it’d be a lot easier to close the chapter. But it is what it is, and perhaps there are still lessons to learn.

    I wish I could do you a reading – I would have done them long ago, many times over - were it not for the fact that I don’t read tarot cards. I don’t know how. So sorry about that. All I can offer you is observation and perception. Which it seems isn’t too accurate, going by your response…lol. I hope that in some small way, our exchange of ideas and conversations are useful to you. For me, they are nothing short of life-affirming.

  • Hi there Danceur,

    I do appreciate any insights you have... I don't have any answers, nor do I know "who I am".

    Right now I am a father with a depressed 14 yr old daughter and staring at a wreck of a family life that has left her (and me) enraged with how screwed up our relationships can become.

    Emotional manipulation seems to be at the heart of it all... and refusal to communicate. This family traces back to that... the husband and wife can't communicate... the kids then grow up clueless about communicating... really interesting world we have going here!

    Sri didn't meant to dump on you there... I had a nice reply to your last message I was going to post but then I just get a call from the school to come pick up my daughter... and it hits me all over again at how &%$# up relationships seem to breed &^%$# up relationships... generation... after generation... ugh... wake me when its over...

    I will reply later to some of your comments after I can think straight! 🙂

    blessings, astra

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