He's said its over
I have been seeing a wonderful man now for 7 months and things were wonderful with him. He has a great personality and sense of humor; very intelligent and successful, but slightly on the paranoid side. after things had been going good for some time he suddenly started becoming suspicious of me and accusing me of cheating. As far as I know I couldn't have done anything to spark his suspicion, but after 2 weeks he ended the relationship. Now after a month I feel like I cant move on. I know that I am in love with him and I don't want to be with any other man. I am completely able to accept his flaws and scars, and feel like he could be the one. But, I am afraid to confront him over what happened and to try and convince him of the truth. I never was able to defend myself because he talked right over me, and he said some very hurtful things like saying I was a waste of his time. I am torn between what I think I should do and what my heart tells me. I could move on if I knew he could never trust me, but if he could- or realized he was wrong because he was so hurt and acting paranoid, I would hate myself for not trying again. But has he gone too far? And am I only dreaming that this could be mended? Or, if I go to him, could there be a chance for change? I wanted to give him a letter to explain things, but I dont know what kind of apporach is needed, or if I just need to say goodbye.
He ended it, let him mend it. When he started talking down to you and being abusive, that tells me that his paranoia is a part of his personality. I do have a feeling that he will wait for you to contact him. I think this would be a big mistake for you. I don't know what is in his past, but if you have been good to him, this should have been a bump in the road. I think there is some respect issues w/him also. Lack of respect, that is. You might feel that you need him but in reality you do not. I wouldn't look back on this one.
Perhaps he is not so wonderful. : )
It sounds to me like he has some very serious, very deep trust issues, likely stemming from childhood. Unfortunately, this is something you cannot change, alter in any way, or improve. When he gets tired of being alone, of wondering why things dont' work out for him in relationships, he will begin the process of looking within to find the root cause of his unhappiness.
In the meantime, know you didn't do anything wrong -- and move on.
Ahliyah, Wise words and I agree totally! Do not like that energy at all.
I am so sorry to hear this and I know EXACTLY what you are going through. I have been there!!Mine was a 4 year marriage that ended this way. But I found out, as the same as a few of my friends did, that HE was the one cheating and he was projecting his guilt on to me!! Out of the blue - after having a child recently at the time - he accused me of having an affair! But come to find out, HE was out partying after work, getting drunk, and picking up other women and then accusing me of cheating on HIM. I was FURIOUS when I found out about it and promptly divorced him. Be glad that you found out now that he is insecure, because I'd hate to see you marry someone like this and find yourself in the same situation I was in. Please move on and don't look back. P.S. It has been 12 years and he still hasn't changed - so don't think your guy will either. Even if he is pulling away from you becuase he is "scared" of a real relationship, you are going to have issues with him for a long time. He is really not ready to be a grown up and dumping this garbage on you is a sign of immaturity. You deserver much better and don't settle for less. I know it hurts but you should never be treated like you aren't good enough.
Love and Luck
I want to take a moment to make you aware of the negative self-image that you are projecting and what you need to correct it so that you will attract more positive relationship experiences.
You talk about how wonderful he is and how he may be the one, but yet he was capable of hurting and belittling you without any proof or justification (or apology) for his suspicions & accusations. Ask yourself, do you really want to be with someone who is capable of saying such hurtful things to you the moment they become the least bit jealous and insecure?
You tend to idolize him, and think you were lucky to have found him, but you don't necessarily see yourself as worthy of his love. You are subconsciously blaming yourself and thinking of what you could have possibly done wrong or could have done differently to keep this so-called "great catch" from leaving you. You say you could accept his flaws and that you desperately want/need to convince him that what he accused you of is not true, but this doesn't leave him bearing any responsibilty for the way he treated you. The first thing that you need to realize is that you don't have to explain or convince him of anything because you didn't do anything wrong, and in all reality, if none of his accusations or suspicions are true, there really isn't anything to explain in the first place! You shouldn't have to defend yourself against someone who is attacking your value as a person or makes you feel insignificant.
You need to quit being so hard on yourself and realize that the relationship ended most likely because his inability to deal with his own insecurity and paranoia rather than anything you did or could have done differently. This has probably been a pattern in all of his relationships, so quit taking it so personally and stop looking for what you did wrong or how you can blame yourself.
But the thing that troubles me the most is that you said you would hate yourself for not trying again. You need to take time out to learn to love yourself no matter what and realize that you have something very valuable to offer your partner and are worthy of having the relationship that you really want. Practice self-acceptance without any negative comparisons or judgments.
I would resist the urge to contact him and try to prove your case because it is already ingrained in his head that what he is thinking is true, and in his eyes, you trying to explain yourself will only cause more suspicion and trust issues because he sees it as an expression of guilt. Basically, he knew what he was doing when he made those accusations and what it would do to the relationship, and the more you plead your case the more it will seem like are trying to cover up for something to satisfy your own guilt.
The more appropriate response on your part, and one that would probably work pretty effectively with him would be to tell him that you have given him no reason not to trust you and that there is no proof or merit to his accusations so you don't have anything to explain to him because you didn't do anything wrong. Tell him that you will not stand for or allow being belittled or devalued by him and that you will not put up with any more hurtful comments from him. Tell him that if he can't trust you then you don't need to be together.
Basically you need to set boundaries and let people know of you how you expect to be treated and don’t stand for anything less. This is a problem in several areas of your life, including career and family relationships. You tend to let people walk all over you for the sake of maintaining harmony in relationships. This could lead you to repressed feelings of anger and resentment if you don’t learn how to assert yourself and put your foot down. You have a lot of work to do, but first and foremost you need to work on you before you can work on romantic relationships. Quit doubting yourself by connecting with your emotions instead of being embarassed by them. It is only when you have achieved inner peace and are pursuing your life’s purpose that your true soulmate will reveal themselves.
**FYI, Your post hits very close to home for me because this is something that I just became aware of in myself, so I know all about the emotional rollercoaster that you are on right now. I’m currently working on my own self-acceptance so that I will be receptive and fully capable of giving and receiving love when it does come around.
miche53083, Very well said and very intuitive! I'd definitely say you have the gift!