IS THIS HOLDING ME BACK?



  • I've been reading some threads posted for the Captain, and seen her answer to one which piqued my interest.

    My own inner life has been in absolute turmoil for a long time now, but more so in the last few weeks. I've been estranged from my family for years, but had held out the olive branch more than once. I was back on talking terms with them - and this was after my father hanging up on me more than once - then the clincher came on Mother's Day. A post I put up on Facebook was passed on to them, and they totally misunderstood it, so when I rang my mother for mother's day, she told me how upset they'd been about this post.

    To say I was gobsmacked at how a post that said how much I missed them (that's the gist of it) could be misconstrued was beyond me. I hung up, and haven't talked to them since because I'm sick of being the bad guy all the time. (The reason for the rift in the first place is a bit long-winded, so I won't go into details. But the basis of it, was they seemed to refuse to accept my foster son, and my sister was the guiding influence on that).

    My mother rang me just before Christmas and "nicely" accused me of being a slack daughter because I hadn't talked to them. Here we go again, I thought ...

    Suffice to say, I told her a few home truths from my side of things, which were a long time coming.

    But I wonder if this rift and the recent contact from her is causing my life to be such an emotional mess. God knows I've tried to reconcile with them, but they keep throwing it back in my face.

    I find myself wishing to run away and start again somewhere else where no-one knows who I am, as the last week or so has affected me so much. I've tried not to let it, but this phone call from my mother has really driven the knife in.

    Can anyone see if this situation is the thing that is really keeping me stuck in the past and unable to move forward? Or if there is something else I am doing, or some other influence causing this? I am really at a loss!

    Thanks in anticipation 🙂

    Cheers!

    Moon50



  • I feel for you moon50 - i made a promise to my dad before he passed years ago and me being the black sheep it was a difficult promise to keep but the capt gave me some very wise advice

    "let it go as I am not responsible for the choices my family made" and you know what I am free now if they want to talk they know my number and I like it that way I don't feel guilty anymore

    Have a wonderful & safe new years



  • Thanks shadow, I had come to that before my mother rang. I can't feel guilty or responsible for what they've chosen to do, or how they've chosen to be. They've sided with my sister all these years, and made me the fall guy too many times, which is what I told my mother. They'll never look at themselves or their contribution to any of this mess - rather, they'll safely blame me and get on with their lives.

    I don't wish the worst on them, although between them and my ex husband, I wonder how much bad stuff is being wished on me.

    However, I'll keep on keeping on, and will try not to let this bother me.

    Thanks again! It's nice (although sad) to know that someone else is in a similar boat to me. And don't we wonder sometimes: Why? Why did we end up in families that never really nurtured or supported us, knowing we chose this path before we incarnated. It's confusing and hurtful. But makes us who we are now.

    Have a cool new year's and let's hope 2013 brings us some comfort and a clearer path!

    Cheers



  • HELLO MOON. After reading your post I could feel your pain and disappointment , I also have experienced the loss of family life about ten yrs ago.,, and I just kept on trying but to no avail. You see I always thought differently than my sibblings , there was 8 of us..BIG FAMILY.. ,,,ONLY one did not betray me and she died 25 yrs ago. She was 5yrs younger than me ,, open minded and very sweet, I have always missed her and I know she would be appauled at how I have been treated all these yrs i THINK you are Artistic, creative and spiritual,,,, YOU SEE ,,you have a different mind and soul , and they can not truly EVER understand you. And like me you are very sensitive and vulnerable to their opinions and this brings out the feelings of guilt and despair.,,, so you end up wanting to fix things . DON,T BOTHER,, let them come to you ,set up barriers in your heart and mind and let your spiritual side dominate . YOU SEE they do not like or understand the difference, but I am sure God does and in the end that is all that really matters. yOU SOUND LIKE AN INTERESTING INDIVIDUAL ....ALLOW YOURSELF TO BE JUST THAT. Sending you warm wishes for a loving and prosperous NEW YEAR ..... leinida from Canada. P.S. I hope this helps. YOU ARE SPECIAL AND NOT ALONE



  • Leinida, I do appreciate this, and it does help a bit, but the way things are, I feel I have been left completely alone now. I have no partner, my daughter lives with my ex husband, my foster son is out of home and I am struggling financially along with everything else. Friends don't have the time for someone who's struggling; they only want to know me when I'm smiling and happy it seems. I do have one very good, special friend who lives a long way away from me, but at least we talk on the phone often. If not for her, I'd be round the bend. I feel like my guides and angels have deserted me too. And today, my foster son texts asking for money and I couldn't help him!

    I am at a loss as to why so much hard stuff keeps happening to me. I have done nothing to hurt anyone, at least not deliberately. My ex husband - who has more money than he knows what to do with - wants me out of town and my last partner vowed to keep in touch and never once has rung to ask me how I am. This morning, I tried to reach out to someone who I thought was a friend, and she got another incoming call, and hung up on me!

    I feel like all doors are closing for me. And I'm wondering where I'm going to end up.

    Special? Is this the price one must pay for being special? And I wish I could agree with you that I'm not alone, because I feel very alone and it doesn't look like changing any time soon.

    I'm so sorry for all this negativity, but it just keeps happening, over and over again, and has ever since December started. I am now completely exhausted by disappointment and strain.

    Will it ever end?

    Gee, I hope things are going better for you my friend. I wouldn't wish the hell I'm going through on anyone, not even those who have hurt me.

    Cheers, and thank you xoxoxoxoxox



  • very good point leinda people fear anything different - I been different all my life and it explains why my sisters do not associate with me I was never the princess type like them I wanted to explore the different things in my life & try different things but they wanted to lean on the strong male figures in their life oh well cant help that they never explored the wonders of nature or the night sky or learning to dance just because.

    It does get better -moon50 those doors are closing for a reason you no longer need them now you get to look at new things and get back on your path in other words you get to be you which is a painful process but it is a wonderful journey start thinking positive - what helps me is these wonderful mantras that I clip out of womans world magazine they post them every week and they are very encouraging I keep them on my dresser and look at them when I feel low



  • I have been doing Buddhist mantras, and will keep doing them. So far, nothing has materialised except more crap, but then, you're probably right: I need the path clear so I can follow it. Where it'll lead me, who can know, but I know I have to tread it. One day, this pain will be worth it. For now, though, it's almost brought me to my knees, as it has gone on since 2001, although more so in the last month.

    I guess I'm not alone in that though, so I take comfort from that, even though I dislike the thought of anyone else suffering.

    That's life isn't it? Life for people like us anyway. And I think we may all know a little bit of how Jesus felt ...

    Thank you! HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

    Cheers

    xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo



  • ((Hugs )) Chris Sorry to hear of all that you have been going through .Happy new year thinking of you .



  • ((Hugs )) Chris Sorry to hear of all that you have been going through .Happy new year thinking of you .



  • hey moon50 was thinking about you and wanted to see how you are doing.



  • Still not too good, if you want to know the truth. I wonder why it is that I Iook around, and everyone else has someone, and I have no-one. Not a soul. I live alone, I do most things alone. This is not what I signed up for, but it's what I've ended up with. I try, and I try. I socialise with friends, I go to work and keep a smile on my face, but inside I feel hollow and empty. Nothing seems to help. My ex husband has everything: the house, a fiancee and my daughter. My last partner is with someone else now, and also has all he ever wanted. And I'm wondering what on earth I did wrong. Why I'm treading this painful road.

    So, that's how I'm going. Thanks for asking! I hope you're doing a whole lot better than I am 🙂



  • Hi Moon,

    Sorry to hear you're having a rough time.

    Although I still want to wish you a Happy New Year!

    I empathize with some of the things you're saying. I'm still alone (never quite met that orangey colored hair guy you mentioned or even anyone else) - and I do most things alone as well. Although I socialize sometimes and enjoy my alone time, I almost feel forgotten too.

    I get how difficult it must be to seem ok to others but to hold that loneliness and frustration inside and look around and wonder... - why?

    Maybe the only thing that kinda helps me, which might help ya, is that I'm learning to try not to ruminate - that makes it worse - and to just work on other areas of my life, try not to lose hope and believe that time will work some magic. Besides I'm getting sufficient grief in other areas of my life that are keeping me occupied.. 😛

    When I think of you, Moon, it's someone cheerful, with a ready smile and a big heart. I hope this new year brings love and better things for you. And that your brightness and positivity shine out with the stars again 🙂

    Many HUGS to you!!!



  • Danceur, it does seem like we're getting grief from other areas in our lives, and I think that's what makes me feel even more alone. Like I'm trying to batt away the negativity from others that's been coming my way, and also am in a pretty precarious state financially. I'm trying not to worry about that too much, but wonder again, why? What have I(we) done to deserve this? I have never ripped anyone off, never been tight with money - when I have it, I like to share - never deliberately set out to hurt anybody, yet seem to be copping all that myself. It's almost like the kinder you are, the more sh*t you get!!!

    I don't understand it, although a part of me feels that karma will work its magic in its own time. Trouble is, I'm very impatient and running out of steam 🙂

    Adn don't worry: I've had readings where predictions have said I'd meet this one, or this would happen and none of it has happened. I'm still cooling my heels wondering if those readings were correct at all.

    I can't even give readings anymore really. It's like my mind has closed to it and I'm not even sure I trust ones I've received myself, even ones which've basically said the same thing.

    Astrologically, I'm supposed to have come into a large amount of money, but it still hasn't arrived!! And astrology is not a predictive thing; it's a science, so how on earth can the stars be wrong? But they must be in my case hahaha!

    So still I wait ... while I try to focus on what's good. And what IS good, is that I have alone time, which I do need, and I look around and see the green lush grass that is a result of my hard work. Plus the kangaroos that hop around my farm lately, looking for feed and water. And the birds ... lots of lovely birds. Those things put a smile on my face most days.

    We'll get there. We will. It is our God-given right. We have to believe that, although sometimes I want to give up and have screamed abuse at the higher ups more than once!! They must shake their heads at me, but why do the ones who have wronged me, seem to have everything I want in a manner of speaking??

    I feel like I gave them the right to succeed, and I've been left with very little. And yes, again, I wonder: why?

    Ah well ...

    Many hugs to you too! We must believe we'll get there 🙂

    THANK YOU!!

    Cheers



  • AND HAPPY NEW YEAR TO YOU TOO!!! Sorry! I almost forgot 🙂



  • Hey Moon 🙂

    Your surroundings sound so beautiful - birds, lush greens, kangaroos!

    I so identify with the other issues - primarily financial, as I'm skating on thin ice too. Add to that - joint/injury problems. Both are preventing me from expanding my career options. I want to try stuff and I can't. Frustrating! Although I'm not a good example of it, I am starting to believe that what we feel inside influences what we receive in the external. So I'm trying to remain upbeat, or at least calm and neutral - take it a step at a step, don't freak out 😛

    Sometimes, we want change and that doesn't come fast enough - and we are stuck in our own restlessness and frustration. Maybe almost as if the more we want something, the more we're repelling it..lol.

    And I'm only beginning to grasp that letting go also means accepting a lack of change too.

    It sounds to me like you're trying your best - so don't give up hope. Healing takes time. Other than readings, is there anything else you enjoy doing? Sometimes it starts out as a distraction



  • Oops hit the Reply button by mistake.

    Meant to say - try and keep yourself occupied with things you like and enjoy. Sometimes distraction can pull us out of the negative head space long enough that it starts to lose it's grip on us.

    Hang in there ok dear 🙂 There will be a way through.



  • Moon

    Sorry to hear about what you are going through.When aI first read your post a couple of days ago,I pulled a card for you and it signified a lot of happiness,just rouind the corner.I felt youd feel that as a reading it doesnt match yr experience , so i didnt write it here.Yes the cards did show all those positive things that you write abt in yr prev post.I cant account fr this Im sorry.

    If it helps i was super depressed on 1st Jan as well.Talking to friends pulled me through.

    Dont let this phase get you down.It will pass.i do believe the letting go of the last few terrible months is continuing fr all of us.There has to be something new n better jst round the corner.Think positive honey.If you need an angel reading or smthing let me know.

    Lots of hugs

    And wish you and Danceur a Happy New Year



  • Thinking of you Moon & hope easier days are just ahead for you

    Blessings



  • Happy New Year to you too Suramya 🙂



  • I can honestly say that I always try to be grateful for something every day. And apart from that green grass of mine, and some good friends, I will also honestly say that I am very grateful indeed for the kind words from all of you. I wish the same for you guys too! If one of us can make it, then that brings hope for the rest of us.

    Danceur I feel you beat yourself up as much as I do, and that never helps us. I have a very physically active job, so I don't suffer a great deal of pain too often, but when I do ... JEEZUS does it hurt!! However, I am happy I am in a job where I move all the time. Movement is the thing that calms the spirit. When I'm feeling low, I pull out my push mower and mow anything and everything. I water my yard, because I have the luxury of a dam I can water from. I love tending my plants. So those things keep me occupied, although sometimes those negative thoughts keep crowding in while I'm doing them which p**s me off some!

    Suramya, I appreciate that card you pulled. Sometimes I get that same message: that this suffering is almost over and that joy is just around the corner. That could mean a time thing, or maybe the joy I'm looking for is around the corner! Maybe there's a pot of gold buried there ... !!

    Amused, I think of you too, as I know you're in a similar space to me. It seems that we are all suffering to a degree. Letting go is hard. But what is even truer, is that clutching on is harder. I want to change; need to change and that might also be a few habits I've got that don't really serve me anymore. Like smoking! Ah, that's a hard one, but how I keep affording the bloody things is beyond my comprehension, but afford them I do.

    I will pray that there are easier and happier times coming for all of us, because we do deserve it. And we will shine like beacons for others. That's what this is all about after all, isn't it?

    I laid on my grass for a while earlier tonight and it felt so good, even though I couldn't really relax as much as I wanted to, but it still felt good. I do that quite often, and I love that feeling underneath me. Don't much like the ants, but ... maybe they don't like being squashed under 80kgs of human hahaha! (Most of that weight is muscle mass yknow haha).

    They do say it gets darkest before the dawn. So I'll keep waiting. As I know we all will be.

    THIS WILL BE A MUCH KINDER YEAR, I do feel that. We have done the hard yards, and even though we've still got a few hurdles to get over, this year will be a year where we start reaping what we've sown.

    The meek shall inherit the earth. I actually believe that, even though the past sure isn't evidence of it. But I still believe it.

    Cheers to all of you and THANK YOU ALL. May God shower each and every one of you with stars, angel dust, HOPE AND JOY.

    And Suramya, if you'd like to do a reading, please go ahead, and I'll thank you for your kindness in advance. And if there is something I can do for you, I'm sure I'll be given the "stuff" to do it.

    xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxooxxooxoxoxxooxox