If you could get anything..



  • I am in a bad situation taking care of my Mom - she refuses to live out on her own. I have taken care of her my entire life. She has MS and I finally as able to look up that it affects her mind. This explains a lot she is very paranoid of the world and only wants me to take care of her. I am engaged I don't know what to do about her. I love her and I want her to have safety but all she does is verbally abuse me pretty much and tell me how I have no life-- I actually work and pay all the bills. Every type of help I have looked into to get her into her own living situation is something that is voluntary or else have her committed which frankly I cannot do.. Does anyone get anything on when my fiance and I can get our own lives going?



  • You need to put your mother into some sort of assisted living situation. You have your own life to live, too. Are there any good retirement homes around her? Many of them are lovely and, if she gets a pension and sells her home, she should be able to afford it. But you can't wait for her to make up her mind - she has mental and emotional issues that mean she gets all muddled up and fearful in her thinking. Find her somewhere nice where she can be with people her own age and nursing assistance when she needs it - and get on with your life.



  • Thank you Captain-

    Sadly she has no money and she has MS that affects her mind. She thinks people are trying to get her and steal from her all the time. She refuses to change anything. I am trying to get her to stop driving ( my car) I will have to hide the keys soon. She cannot admit life has progressed. She owns nothing no money nada. SHe gets social security that it is. My choices are pretty sad to have her admitted to a mental ward to get her looked at or get her to agree to get on houses lists. She refuses number two saying they will take her money away. P and I want to get married and we both want a life. He takes care of his mother as well but she is not so bad . Both of us have no siblings or any other families except Moms -- and each other of course. Luckily we both have decent jobs but not decent enough to do something like buy a house for all of us to live in.

    I have a lot of patience but mine is almost gone-- Thank you Captain for all you do for everyone



  • Haunted.....is it possible to get a power of attorney over your mother? If you take care of her, if you had a power of attorney, I think you could get her into an assisted living place as her "guardian" without her permission. I know that children deal with older parents who have diminished memory capacity (dementia/Alzheimers) can get them placed in a facility. Maybe you should check with a facility to see what the criteria would be to get her placed there. If she qualifies for social security then she is probably eligible for medicare/medicaid which would pay for the cost of her care in a facility. She would have to met the means test for financial liability but if she has nothing like you said, it wouldn't be hard to get her qualified.

    Some suggestions you might use when dealing with her may be telling her that the facility will handle her money for her and it will be locked up where no one can get it. You can also tell her you will take care of her money for her. Another thing that sometimes helps is to turn the tables on her with regard to responsibility. Remind her that she did what she had to do as a parent to keep you safe and as her daughter it is now your responsibility to make sure she is safe because you love her so much. I know you stated you took care of her your whole life but I think somewhere in her mind she believes she took care of you. Another thing you could do is ask the facility if they have some ideas on how you can get her to accept help. Good luck.



  • Thanks Aunt Buck for your kindness. She trusts me and no one else ( lately she no longer trusts me since I got engaged). She has been very "vile" for 13 years. In my state I cannot get her to go into assisted living unless she wants to go. She is a combination of sick an stubborn. I am 43 years old. And I have reached my end with her. She has moved us around my entire life thinking people were trying to get her. She has good days where she acts ok but they do not last.



  • Have you talked to her doctor about the this? They may be able to prescribe something that would help alleviate some of this. I'm sorry you are going through this.... I have found I have had good luck when I turn these problems over to the universe...or in my case God. Ask your angels for help and trust that it will come. I hope something works out. Definitely try and connect with some of the organizations in your area that deal with elders. They have a great resources that most people don't know about. At least I found out this was the case in Oregon. If you tell me what state you are in I can do some research to see if I can find an organization that might help you. Good luck.



  • Could you bring both mothers together somewhere close to you and get a nurse to visit them? At least you and your partner would only then have to visit the one residence and the old ladies might be company for each other.



  • This was my original plan but the Mom's hate people they do not know. It's funny how life can be you pray and wish to meet the right person and you finally do and then something you cannot control 100 percent yourself blocks the way. I have always had a hard time with any type of plan I make not happening but a lot of random things seem to change events in my life on their own. I guess I am wishing for a random event. I have tried everything I can think of. I am choosing to stay and not leave her because this is the way I am I do not leave people but it is unfair to him.



  • You are still behaving like a child with your mother. You can actually put your foot down if she acts mean or contrary. It not being disrespectful to her - it's being respectful to yourself. She is not the best judge of what is best for her. Both Mums need to learn to live together so it seems like a good plan to me. If you let them have their way, both of them will continue to run rings around you and your partner and your relaitonship may even fall apart. It's probably just a delaying tactic anyway. They don't seem to be able to let their chidlren have their own lives so you will have to put your foot down. Just because they are your parents does not mean they can treat you unfairly or rule your lives forever.



  • Hauntedlady, Call up a good nursing home in your area and talk to a social worker about getting in contact with a relocation specialist to get her on CBA (if you're in USA)--Community Based Assistance. It picks up after Medicare/Medicaid to help pay for assisted living. She qualifies with MS. Or you can call Medicare/Medicaid directly about assisted living for your mom. There are different levels of care in assisted living. This is a good step for you to take and will help your mom in the long run. Don't feel guilty. You'll have to be the one to take the steps.



  • Maybe you could get the mom's together for dinner at your place? Introduce them to each other and see how it goes. Maybe they will find something in common. If nothing else, to whine about their children. :0) If they get to know each other, maybe transitioning the moms into their own place might be doable.



  • If a person does not agree-- her response is I want to die. Then there is nothing I can do EXCEPT call 911 and have her admitted to a psych ward to get her evaluated. This is how they do it Wisconsin. In other states I have lived there are other options. I have called social workers and nursing homes. She is broke. She refuses to even get life insurance. I am not alone there are a lot of seniors like this hating life because life really sucks when you get older. She won't acknowledge I am engaged she calls him my little friend and tells me how women like me do nto get married. Remember the movie Grey Gardens? She is the mother and I sure as hell don't want to wind up like the daughter in that film. I stand up to her all the time she just gets mad then plays all nice. No progress is made. She is bankrupting me. MY only solution is to have her removed from the apartment legally and this is something I cannot do. I am loyal to her because she is my Mom and she raised me. I have no other blood relatives . Seriously my real question is DOES ANYONE HAVE ANY IDEA HOW LONG SHE WILL LIVE MY HEALTH IS WORSE THAN HERS!!



  • You realize her saying she wants to die is just a bluff to get the upper hand over you, don't you? Her death is not your answer - you are supporting her in her nice little life of manipulation and control so why would she want to die? If you cannot afford to pay for her apartment, then she must move. You have to make a choice - either you go broke and both of you end up bankrupt losers or she moves somewhere more affordable. She knows if she plays nice, she can make you do whatever she wants. That is how she manipulates you. Neither of you have the time or finances to put a decision off. If she won't do anything to help you, then you must move her out.



  • Haunted Lady put your foot down and have her placed in an assisted living facility at first she will complain but after being there she will like it my sister in law had to do this for her mother and it saved her sanity & marriage. The nurses and assistants where wonderful and they know how to help when the patients start acting out I got to visit with Mrs C on several occasions and even when she passed just recently (from cancer & slight denitia) she really enjoyed the company of her age group just make sure you have power of attorney like aunt buck said



  • @ The Captain I have told her I have to save money she doesn't see it this way .. She has disliked people her entire life this is nothing new. We all hope people will love begin around other people their age. I used to work in a nursing type facility and no this is not reality they just have no choice. I thought I could get her a little dog or something to keep her company but no pets are allowed eve. I have put my foot down screamed at her -- told her to hand over my credit cards ( this month I will tell her no more driving) She admits she can do less and less. It is very sad. Still I go through for my own sanity-- I have been putting my foot down for 13 years taking care of her since I was 5. The only next step is for me to literally abandon her and I cannot do this. So it puts me back to square one always

    @Shadowmist, Did she have to sign paperwork at all to go there? n some states you can force them in others you cannot UNLESS they post a threat to themselves . I called her Doctor for help ( from advice from a social worker) their response was "call 911" -- So every other option requires her to agree to it and be put on a waiting list.



  • I am still reading your good advice a few years later and wondering why the hell I am still in this mess. I found out she has delusional disorder this explains a lot. I got cancer this year and they are checking for more in other areas of my body. I don't want to die like this.



  • Cancer occurs when something is literally eating away at you. You know this is about your mother, don't you, and your need to throw off her domination and manipulation? What do you fear will happen if you stand up to her?



  • Healer Louise Hay says about cancer: Deep hurt. Long-standing resentment. Deep secret or grief eating away at the self. Carrying hatreds. "What's the use?"

    Healing affirmation: "I lovingly forgive myself and release all of the past. I choose to fill my world with joy. I love and approve of myself."